this morning ... i woke up and wrote a little bit about how i was feeling...it as hard yesterday and last night...really reallly hard..i think somewhere in my head i knew i had a plan and that i was going to act on it....i dont think i was consciously thinking that i had a plan if that makes any sense...but it was a day where everything was overwhelming me..i was out of ideas..i was out of hope..i was done..there was nothing else for me...i didnt even want to go to sarahs and i just wanted to lay and bed and be miserable and argue with myself and yell at myself and pressure myself to get up and do something anything ..knowing that physically i couldnt get myself up at all..i just couldnt ...i truly was done with everything ..and i think telling mommy was the tipping point...i couldnt handle it anymore and i couldnt handle being told to just move on and deal with it..not when i was seriously fighting myself to stay alive..and i couldnt tell her that...and so it was an immediate reaction ... immediate impulsivity to do things ... to follow the rules..what ever the are..to do what is expected of me....to just i dont know....but pretty much yesterday i guess was the really truly no good very bad day...and i wasnt sure i was going to make it out alive...sarah called me around 3:30pm and we talked for a little while and she asked when i was coming over..and since i had already agreed to coming i couldnt say no to her either...so i went ..it took me a little while since it took me forever to get up and get dressed and force myself to go out the door but i got there..and we did our usual..talked and hung out..she watched spongebob and random other cartoons with me until i got sleepy and fell asleep...i had been trying to sleep all day long and wasnt able to..two hours at her house and i calm down enough to fall asleep...but she woke me up around 9 something and i was of course dead to the world but eventually she got me up enough so that i would move out of the way...and i hadnt planned on spending the night..i was in the process of actually falling asleep again in her living room but she kept calling me and i kept waking up..so i started putting on my shoes but kept stopping ...and i couldnt figure out why...i knew i was tired and wanted to sleep but generally if im going home i get ready and go ..but i was dragging big time..and not really doing anything..just sort of sitting there...and i just kept thinking that i cant leave..that i really cant leave and that i cant go home ...that i needed to stay ...but i wanted to go home...but i couldnt get myself to get up or go home or anything..so finally i asked sarah if i could spend the night...which she said ok to..and i literally just dropped my stuff and went and laid back down with her..and was able to almost instantly go back to sleep...i didnt have any of my meds..i was away from anything that i could have used to hurt myself...at the time i wasnt even thinking of any of that...it was just a really really strong desire to stay where i was..i needed to stay put for some reason...and my anxiety ..the restlessness wouldnt let up until sarah told me that i could stay.... i slept through the night...woke up at 5 something..and needed to get up because i was beginning to think to much again...but it was more trying to figure out yesterday and last night...why did i need to stay all of a sudden...i never ask to stay ..sarah will ask me to stay ...or if something is going on i may offer to stay..or we plan in advance if i am staying ..but i never out right ask to spend the night...not once..but i did last night..something was wrong that i wasnt fully aware of ... and wasnt able to even put together until this morning....i didnt realize i was feeling that badly or that unsafe...i didnt realize that going home and being alone would have been a mistake...and i did not realize that sarah was my lifeline at the time...
yes i am alive...no i have not cut..i am taking extra meds to sleep at night...but not every night and ive only taken two of the pain pills...i am still feeling incredibly depressed and the negative thoughts are still winning...its still a battle to want to do anything at all..but im not crying like ive lost my mind anymore...and i did some to work today..and i dont feel like the world is out to get me anymore at least....so once again i found the bottom of whatever it is that i needed to find...and now i have to figure out how to get myself out of there..i dont know how...im not sure i want too...but i know that i have to get it together..i have to work..i have to live...ive been neglecting everything..myself..the cats..my room..my apartment..geez im not even sure when i actually took a shower this week...well i took one today before i left sarahs apartment...but really...its been pretty bad...i havent cared...and i guess i need to figure out how to start caring again...i have to find the energy to do something....anything....i just feel so tired...so stuck...like im going in circles and there is no way out ....
but almost time to go home so i guess i need to work on paper work...and tomorrow is spending the day at sarahs ... so a relaxing day...maybe ill partake in some of that physical activity that anita and courtney swear i dont get enough of...and maybe i wont mention this particular physical activity ..
seriously my only goal for tomorrow is to take a shower...how sad is that....two days in a row will be a new record...good grief
No comments:
Post a Comment