a decision has been made

i want to write but my attention wavers..and i am lost at what to do..ive spent the last few days stressing out about things..worrying and thinking about my options about what i can do...about what my next move will be and the more i think the more stressed i get and the more i cant seem to figure out what i want to do..i just want to be told what the right thing to do is..i dont want to make a choice..but i have...and i should be happy shouldnt i?  ive made a good positive shoice havent i?? then why do i feel like my world is falling apart and im just going to fall apart with it...ive made the choice to go for the live in job..the job that will offer me a place to live..safety..security..freedom..steady income..small but steady...and the one thing i cant have...the one thing that i am being asked to let go of is my cats...the cats that i have been a permanant fixture in my life since like my third year in college..ive never gone more then 3 months without them..and that was only for a summer when i had to work at the camp....but this is like a final goodbye..this isnt i can change my mind the day after and go get them back...no this is heart wrenchingly final..and my whole world is pretty dark right now as i face this ...i know its my decision...i know that i had to make a choice..and yet i feel like i am the worst person ever for not being able to figure out any other way...any other choice...no one to take them...no one to keep them long term...and so i have to say goodbye and my heart breaks...and it is as if i will never be happy again..i want the depression to take over..i want the dark thoughts to take over...those i can deal with..those i am used to and dont have to fight..i want them ..because they match how i am feeling and and they make way for behaviors that require no explantation...they understand the needs the urges..they enjoy them..they want them..and all i have to do is give in...just quietly give in..things are a mess in my head..but again..as long as everyone else sees strength and me managing..thats all that matters...so ill go and to work and then just hide in my room when im not at work...im to on edge to be any good to anyone anyway..its best i stay away from everyone...if i could get away with it i would turn my phone off and just disconnect from everything completely..sleep and work and try not to do anything that will get me into trouble...but whats the point...my horribleness continues to win out ..and im stuck playing along ..