hands off

since this is my most bothersome thought currently i guess ill write about it and see if i can get it to make sense what so ever ...

i know what i want to write..a simple three letter word..so easy...but typing it..thinking it..saying it..fills me with nervousness..dread..fear..im not entirely sure..it just feels wrong in a lot of ways..i shouldn't write it..i shouldn't acknowledge it at all...but if im going to write this then i have to do something with it...so its going to be referred to as fun time for now..when im with sarah i ask for play time.sometimes Sarah makes me ask very specifically for what i want and where..which is scary and embarrassing and i fight her on it..well i refuse to give in pretty much all the time..until the outcome changes and i give in..otherwise i wont say them...i wont flat out ask for what it is..and good grief this is hard...i wont label things correctly..obviously i know the correct names of things..i know the more interesting names for things..information that is just filed away i guess...never to be used...its just there..i tell nia to teach noa the correct names for body parts because other wise she will go to school calling them all sorts of things..

i dont really remember when things got really hard with all of this..i have no idea ...i was pretty much hands off with everyone i could manage when i was younger i think...if i didnt have to touch you and you didnt have to touch me then the better it was...mommy being the exception to that rule i guess..i grew up being afraid that everyone would end up hurting me..hitting me if they touched me ..and so i avoided it..and people..so i guess isolating started really early..i cant put ages to any of this..the fear started early..the need to be good and quiet and seeking approval all started early..

sometime after the move to nc ..i was 7 8 9 one of them...i ended up getting hurt by a cousin..with mommy in the house...the whole memory is gone..it only gets to a certain point and then im not sure..it was with a cousin who i am almost sure is either the same age as me or maybe a little bit older..maybe a little bit younger..but by then my ability to say stop or no or anything of the sort was already dead and gone..and i dont remember telling or asking her to stop...i remember being in her room..and wanting to play with her toys..but she wanted to play house..she had a dollhouse..a really big one..one minute im playing with the dollhouse and then im not..im being held down with my mouth covered..and her hands being under my clothes..and then it just kind of goes away..and i dont remember exactly what happens..i think i may have acted out a little bit after that but it didnt last long..and instead of the acting out turned inward..never mentioned what happened of course..but i think i was more careful with not being touched after that .

mommy didnt give hugs and i knew not to go to her for one..i worked hard to convince myself that i didnt need comfort or love or anything...i was doing different things to hurt myself back then but it hadnt progressed to cutting...everything i was being told i was just taking it in and twisting it around until it become mine..and i just made it worse..because i knew what my weaknesses were and i knew how to exploit them myself...i became worse on myself than mommy every could be...it was like a game in some weird twisted way..she hurt me..so i hurt me more..and the more i hurt myself or yelled at myself then the more worthless and unloveable i became...i convinced myself that i was fine with being alone...that i didnt have to worry about ever being hurt again because i was already the best at it..and no one could beat me...no one could win against me...i couldnt even win against myself... in school i didnt have friends and i didnt date so it wasnt a concern..i kept to myself..and made sure to keep everyone else away from me..

anyway..i got older..same thought processes...i don't remember if i ever took a sex ed class...i know i had to watch the whole miracle of birth thing in biology or something and still remember thinking that was the grossest thing ever and i didn't want to see it...im sure i learned all the body parts but i really dont think i ever really learned what sex was...not until i was much older..because i didnt understand why mommy kept accusing me of doing things and that she would find out about it after my period stopped for maybe a year and a half..i had no idea what she was implying...i guess i was in maybe middle school..no idea that she kept accusing me of being pregnant..absolutely no idea..but the threats and accusations came every single month..with no explanation..so it was confusion for me..i didnt know what she thought i was doing..i didnt know what she thought was going to happen or show up..i  didnt understand why she called me a whore and a slut..again words that i didnt understand or know the meaning of....i knew somehow they were bad ...and that i didnt like them..that i shouldnt like them..but at the time had no idea what i was being called or why..all centering around the simple fact that my period just decided to stop ... fear that something was wrong with me..that i was doing something wrong and had no idea what it was..worry and stress trying to figure it all out and then being stupid for not being able to..

when i started babysitting mommy drilled into me that i was not to be alone or even talk to the kids father...never ever ever....i became so afraid to even be near him..im still afraid of him and he has done nothing to me...but those fears grew to every male..they are to be feared..because they can hurt you...it was my uncle and my moms guy friend who lied on me and the end result was mommy pulling a knife on me and saying she would kill me...why trust them or anyone else at that point..so i made sure i stayed away from males because they werent safe...i still stay away from males..i refuse to see male doctors or talk to guys i dont know..or be around guys i dont know if i can help it...there is always space between us if i have to work with a male or something ..things have changed slightly due to work and stuff and having to be around males more..but the fear doesnt go away...i have to watch and be on guard..there are rules that cant be broken..dont speak first..dont approach anyone ..dont look at anyone..dont be noticed..dont call attention to yourself..reminding myself that i am ruined ..that there is no hope for me...because the scars no longer fade..

and this is way off ...ill try again another day...