Weight....

So while I was at the clinic yesterday, I was able to weigh myself..and I am ashamed to even admit that I've gained a lot of the weight back that I had lost..I'm not surprised..I just wanted a number to put to it you know..and we'll I have one and boy is it a number...I'm disappointed in !myself but I also know eating cake for three weeks straight is going to have an effect on a person ..ugh... So no I'm not making excuses... I'm making changes... Fixing things ..decreasing things and cutting way down on the sweets..I gotta get more active.. And out of bed..the job will help with that.. I want to get a fit bit and start counting my steps... I am in control of my health... me... I've lost weight more than once . So I know I can do it... I just gotta stick to it... Stay on track... Keep my head on straight... I gotta lose this weight again... I'll go to yoga next week...

good news...great news

i got the job ! 

i was beginning to get dejected and give up since i hadnt heard from them since the interview, earlier last week..but they called yesterday to talk to me ...and offered me a position!!  im so excited ..and i cant believe its been almost a year since ive worked outside of the house...wow...but im back to being employed...well i have 2 jobs but we need the extra income..and im excited to be working again ..so it is good...it is really good :) 

sick ?

i have felt like crap this whole week...i cant figure out if im sick? or is it stress ? am i adjusting to a med ? what ...  ii just feel like crap ...right now it feels like my sugar has dropped but ive checked my sugar and it is not low...but im lightheaded and out of it...im waiting to eat..like food in the oven waiting to eat...and im going to lay down and see if that helps..but its been something every day..and ive been freezing...so i dont know...just ...just feeling rather crappish ...

eh

ive been avioding writing lately..some things i dont want to acknowledge..some things i do..like mommy has been getting to me lately ..and getting on my nerves ..and frustrating me to no end .. talking to me about my skin which i immediately took to mean im ugly and stuff .. i sent her a picture of my new hair style ...she could have just said she liked my hair ..instead she mentioned more than once that i have acne..and am breaking out ... thanks..i kinda already know that but thanks for pointing it out and causing me to feel self concious about it .. ugh ..

went for a job interview yesterday and i think i got a job ... i was told to look for my offer letter in my email..so that means i got a job..im being hired to work in the pharmacy and the store for now..there is a lot of training involved and a lot of unknown to right now..but i have a class that i have to go to first and so that should clear up some things...but that comes after i get the offer letter and accept it and things...im excited but nervous big time because the job will come with A LOT of changes...the biggest being health insurance ..and leaving the clinic.. scary!!!  but im trying to take it just one step at a time ! 

my eating has been on a major down hill slope in my opinion and i have to get a better handle on that ... wont get all into details but  i feel like ive been gaining weight -major sigh- ... i know i can do better..blah blah blah.. dont eat so much bread..blah blah blah ..the usual ..

i did get some new tops though and rushed them here only for them to get here AFTER my interview...blah...i could have used that extra money had i known that they wouldnt make it in time..but whatever..it is what it is... 

i see the med doc today and the behavioral lady today...i want to start pulling back from them all because im afraid that ill have to leave and the need to protect myself in trying to kick in big time..you know...i need to leave first type thinking is kicking in..but im trying not to act rashly...trying to slow myself down and not jump the gun and make none thought out decisions..anxiety is rising .... i think ill stop writing for now...

Post Birthday Thoughts and Rambles

Yesterday was my birthday and I had the absolute best birthday ever.  Sarah made sure of it. and I love her to death for it.  It is not often that I wish I could repeat a day, but i truly truly wish I could live inside of yesterday and just stay there.. I was happy yesterday.  I laughed and smiled and refused to place judgment on anything i did.. we went out to lunch at my favorite restaurant, we had cake and drinks at home, we went shopping for video games, we laughed and talked and planned trips and just had a really really good day together..and it was great..i got a lot of birthday well wishes and i loved them all..i got to talk to Noa and Marley and the boys...  not even mommy could bring me down yesterday.  Ive loved all of my presents and still my birthday stuff isnt even over yet..cas we are going to the state fair next week..and a friend is bringing over a cake next week..there is still trip to build a bear in the works with some friends...

i guess what im trying to say is that..i feel loved , i feel important..i feel so very special and loved and it makes me feel good...  it is a feeling that i dont want to go away..i want it to stay forever ..and i dont want to lose this feeling at all.. 

i turned 34 ... and gosh it has been a year..and yet..this is a year that i have grown and become the most stable in so many ways...there have been a heck of a lot of ups and downs..but in all of that sarah has been by my side cheering me on and supporting me...pushing me to step outside of my box..i have made friends..i have stood up for myself on the rare occasion but it has happened..things are different..so so different...and finally i feel like i can say that i can beginning to feel like i am living and not just surviving..i am stopping doing things that stress me out to the max..i am beginning to let sarah into my inner world more ..and telling her truly what is going on...i feel like the current medications are finally working for me and i feel like i have an actual outlook on life...i am not constantly thinking about death... im currently crying very easily lol..but im not wanting to die..i am able to have my sisters picture hanging up in my room and she is no longer a secret that i feel i have to hide...my friends know that i struggle with things but they are accepting of me as i am..and sarah has always been accepting of me just as i am..she tells me that she can see a big difference in me also and that she likes it, that she is happy for me...she stands behind me in my decisions and helps me when i fall...we have a place to live, we have a new car, we have a stable income and we are managing.. i have goals now...i am working on taking care of myself .. i want a future.. and i think that is what is different.. i actually want a future these days...i may not be able to see how it will be yet..but the want is there...the urge to get older and to be happy and safe and stable is settling into my bones... i still want to travel...i know i will always want to travel.. but the stability,  the safety net is becoming a big part of things too..and now i feel like i have to ability and the drive to actually create one... im no longer constantly fighting myself so hard to stay alive ... 

i turned 34 yesterday... and at 34.. i am finally beginning to see that there truly is a light at the end of this tunnel that i have been stuck for years...  i never thought i would see my way out...i never thought i would make it out alive.. yet here i am.. living.. maybe even beginning to thrive a bit in some areas.. but i am making it.  Who knew that I would be able to ever write anything like these.  Two years ago all I wanted to do was die, One year ago, I was invited out with co-workers for the first time in my life for my birthday.  This year though, this year things have majorly begun to shift into an upright position in a lot of ways. No this year has not been all happy rainbows and unicorns either and there were some serious bouts of wondering whether i would end up in the hospital. They were a scary few months of uncertainty and well craziness but i reached out with some strong willed help from the clinic and sarah and somehow we all got me through it and out on the other side.

 Dear god im gonna turn into one of those success stories eventually !!!! haha  

ill stop here for now...my thoughts are scattering a bit ... and i gotta get up anyway..busy busy morning !

birthday thoughts ...

tomorrow is my birthday and im turning 34 .... i dont mind the turning 34 part ... its the its being my birthday part that makes me sad...it highlights again the fact that my sister is not here ... that i am alone in that aspect of things ..and that drowns me in sadness....  its that i crave the attention of everyone telling me happy birthday almost to the point of obsession and then just wanting to be left alone .. but then getting so angry that i may be forgotten ... that people may forget about me ... i am so afraid of being gotten and so i have been obsessing all week about presents and mail and gifts and mail and reminding people about my birthday and did i mention presents ?? sarah has been helping but doing little things for me each day to make me happy and smile ..like i get one small present each day...yesterday i got flowers and a pop..which is like a bobble head thing..i collect those lol..it was of Thor...and i got roses...and the day before i got nias present in the mail which was a worry monster that i absolutely love...i cant wait to show her to Britney...i might need to use her before i see Britney..and ive gotten other gifts to ..a fingerling, a stuffed monkey, some barbies, a necklace... i finally feel like im in a place where i can get toys and things because i know i missed out on this stuff as a kid and i want it now and im mostly ok with that... i have a group of friends...a small group of friends that i have that i can play with..who accept me as i am and we have play parties and things and we have fun..and it makes me so so so happy to hang out with them..to laugh and play and just be for a little while... because i do feel judged a lot of the time for my likes and stuff...and if i had to analyze it ..which i hate doing ...i know it stems from childhood stuff... but the point is i like it..and it makes me happy you know... but i hate being laughed at for it and stuff...  but ive been trying hard to working on being calm and happy you know...doing things that make me smile right now because i know that in the quiet time the sadness desends and i am overwhelmed by it...and it makes me feel like im not trying hard enough..

it still hurts

i talked to my sister a little bit yesterday about the fiasco borrowing money from mommy was (ive also talked to sarah) and how she made me feel about and how hard it was to ask her in the first place..and my sister told me to try not to let it get to me ..that mommy isnt going to change ..and that she doesnt see how what she says hurts us and frustrates us...she said one of my brothers had called her earlier in the day and was talking to her about pretty much the same thing... mommy and her 'helping' talks thats really just leaves you feeling more hurt and sad and broken than when you began... i wish i was strong like my sister and not so easily broken ... that one conversation with mommy caused issues for 2 almost 3 days..and still i cant seem to let it go fully... i just feel that i am not trying hard enough..im not doing enough to keep myself afloat financially...ignoring the fact that since moving in with sarah we havent had to borrow money in more than a year and a half...or that we just came back from a major trip that took all of our money..or that i just got a new car and that is a new expense on the budget...forget all of that ..and just clue in on the fact that i asked her to borrow a small amount of money...and it just means i have failed ...and lets not forget the guilt trip of reminding me that ..if anything happened and my brothers or sister or mom needed me in an emergency i would not be able to go to them because i wouldnt have any money saved up..i would in a sense be utterly useless...that is all that i am..useless.... and i am trying to find another job to have more money coming in...im trying to learn to budget with sarahs help...im trying ..what else can  i do ? what other miracle of money can i make happen ?  between our two incomes i would say we are doing damn well .. its just been a little slow playing catch up after the trip..but talking to mommy and i feel like i have a secret gambling addiction or something ..because yes i do have things i pay that i dont plan on telling her about ... because paying for my medication and therapy out of pocket is an expense that i did not have a few months ago but i do now and  i have to handle that..and i dont want to change doctors again ...and i cant handle another change in medication that will land me in the hospital .. im not doing that to myself ...just to make her happy.. so yes i have things i have to pay that i have no intention on telling her about because it is not her business...but its just these types of conversations get to me so bad and i have so much trouble letting them go...its like they sink into my bones and failure becomes etched into my very DNA...i work so hard to manage and live and right now things are a bit of a struggle yes..we are going pay check to pay check...but its not going to stay like that..but it just makes me feel like im not doing enough..still..i need to be doing more...i always need to be doing more...

jobs and such

well i have a job interview today and im super nervous about it...its at ac moore...i think that is my most favorite store ever..and so i stay away from it lol..but i really liked working there last time and so going back will be a good thing i think..its part time and so not stressful...so as long as i can get some good shoes i think i will be fine...but i do want to be hired so very much ! 

i still havent given up on my pharmacy job at all but i need to take the test for it and im gonna be signing up for that at the end of the month..so that is happening then..i have to sign up and then ill get the date for when ill be taking the test... im nervous about that too but im trying not to stress.. once i have that  and pass it will be easier to find a job in the pharmacy...but for now i just need a job and some extra money coming in...

im really a bit sad that i cant do a lot for my birthday .. but that is what being an adult is isnt it ..blah .. being an adult is not fun .. but i can always do something later right ?!  so i know it will be ok .. and i know i can always get something later on for my birthday..and i am going to get to do build a bear and have the little picnic and maybe go out to dinner ..nothing big ..but still fun.. and it will be good.. so no complaining... it is just frustrating that money is so fleeting and everything has to be paid at once you know ..well all at the same time..blah...so uncool... but it will work out ...it always does ...and hopefully with the new job and extra money the financial stress will ease up a bit ... i hate battling out the idea of asking mommy to borrow money ...im trying not to..i really really am...but i know if i need to i could ..but i just hate doing it...ive been doing so good not having to ask her..but right now things are a lot tight money wish .. and just need a little extra to get by...ugggggh ...

life

Things have been a stressful since coming back from vacation..and a bit of that has been my fault..since I spent to much money at the store and ended up not having any money left ...so we are pretty much out of everything and I have been just trying to get by you know...and money is a big big trigger … but I have made it to pay day and this month ive asked sarah from the beginning to chip in for stuff and that is going to help.. I ask for to help with stuff anyway .. but im asking at the beginning of the month this time...is all...i have so much running around to do today...i have to go grocery shopping and pick up meds and get the household stuff and pay bills..and get my bank account back straight... I have a list because just thinking about it all makes my head spin … I have to be smart and stay in control and no impulse buying... ive talked to sarah repeatedly about setting money aside for me to have to buy stuff for 'fun' to kinda curb my impulse buying ..which is what happened to the money in my last check..so it doesnt happen this check...ill talk to her again today about it before I go to the store..and most important is paying the car note before anything else today. And I need to call the insurance lady about getting my insurance switched to something else because it has increased and is more expensive now so hopefully she can find me something less expensive...

I saw my med doc yesterday and it was good...we talked about how things have been going and everything...we agreed to the increase in the abilify … im going up to 5mg .. but with what she ordered for me ill be at 4 for a couple weeks and then at 5mg when the new bottle comes in... I will be getting the anxiety med filled today also.and my reg meds … so all of that needs to be taken care of … the foggy head has still not returned and that I am very grateful for … the med doc yesterday kept telling me that I looked different … and its like I feel different.. I am different.. I just feel more alive and that I just such a hard feeling to describe to someone who has never been so horribly depressed... it is like waking up for a dream world after so many long years and seeing the world for the first … becoming a part of the world for the first time.. being able to do things and having a desire to do things.. wanting to be a part of stuff..want to feel and touch and just engage ..to capture life and the world and things in it for the first time in my life is an amazing thing... to not have that crushing I want things to stop, and end has lifted a major weight off of me, you know... no it is not all gone.. no I am not going to go dance naked in a field of wild flowers or something and sing with the butterflies lol...but when I say things are different..things are truly different..and I understand what she means when she tells me I look different..because I feel different.. I am different..i am me.. but I am changing to. This is a place I never thought I would find..a place I never thought I would be in …

curvon is over here again...his mom is dealing with a dv crisis and I am concerned, scared, and worried for her...and I am having to remind myself that I am doing all I can to help..and that I cant run myself into the ground doing for her...she is an adult.. I can help and offer a safe place .. but as sad as it makes me ..i cant save her ...and saying that..writing that does make me so very very sad... I love all of them and I want them safe..but I cant take care of all of them...i cant give her money and still survive and pay my own bills.. I might want to but it is not realistic..and if I have to tell myself this daily..then I guess that is what I will have to do... because this is the type of thing that gets me into trouble... I want to go in saving the day..i want to protect them..i want to save her...i will give everything I have and end up with nothing to protect them...but then..who will help me ? When I have given all I can ? This line of thinking and helping has caused me more harm than good. I know I have the best interest at heart .. but giving all and leaving nothing for myself is not the best way to help someone else. I have to say no (dont I ? ) . I have to take care of myself first ( dont I ? ) . I have to live and survive in this world to ( dont I ? ) . I am talking things through with nia and sarah and trying not to make rash decisions .. I feel things are still weighing on my mind heavily though and I really feel like talking to britney but I see her in a few days thankfully. But sarah is helping me not make any rash decisions.

just whats going on

for some reason i am very teary this morning again.. im also very tired ... woke up again super early and yeah instead of going back to sleep i have been doing random things online and what not... so i am really sleepy...maybe i will fall asleep after writing for a bit...

it has been a rough few days since coming home from the trip...emotionally its been a rough few days...seeing mommy this time around was very triggering and hard and just well .. it has sent me into a bit of a tail spin and i have been feeling very broken..very sad..very off since the trip...during the trip things were overwhelming and frustrating  and sad.. i didnt take any anxiety meds because i didnt take any with me which was stupid on my part...very very stupid..and it was so upsetting that i wanted to come home before i even got there...like turn around and come home.. the same old fears and wants bombarded me ..and i just struggled to deal with it all...

the wedding was nice .. everyone had a nice time..it was good hanging out with nia and rob and henry and sarah and noa and curvon..it was good seeing ms morris..it was nice seeing mommies new house..me and sarah found a fun new little place to eat..we had an adult day while nia took the kids to the amusement park with rob and henry...there were good parts to the trip...dont get me wrong .. there were..  there were good times, we lots of laughing and smiling and fun...

the sad times though have a way of overshadowing everything...

i know now that it is a 7 and a half hour drive to mommy in Ohio... which is also how long it takes me to get to nia is SC.  I know we arent going anywhere for Thanksgiving, but that i will be willing to drive to either for Christmas..

Had therapy last week and cried through most of the session...we talked about the trip...i was so frustrated with myself for crying but i was reminded that therapy is a safe place to cry! so im trying to be ok with that too...

note to self ... i need to by a scale ... i probably shouldnt ..but i want one... this is the last week of the nutrition program and so i wont be in the clinic weekly anymore and so no more getting weighed every week.. im sad to see the program end though ... i really am

now that things are ending ..its time to buckle down and look for another job ... gotta put my pharmacy stuff to use.. im going to apply to take the test at the end of sept ..and im hoping to have a job by then cas i have some things we need for the house ...and i have some things i need..like a new computer cas this one isnt working and it is frustrating the heck out of me...but like christmas stuff and planning a cruise for next year and all of that kinda stuff..and probably in the new year ill be cutting back on my hours with sarah ...so yeah..gotta put these last four months to good use !  and of course with a car payment now and stuff and budgetting ..yep...def need some extra income !!  so we will see how things go ..

oh and the new med situation ... well i truly think we have fallen into the right combination ... i do..not the right doasge yet..i think the abilify needs to be tweaked just a bit .. but i am getting bursts of energy and motivation to just get up and do stuff...ive been cleaning and organizing..ive been cooking and going out ..i can tell when things start to wear off and im going to ask her about taking it in the morning ... again i feel more awake most days ... right now i know that being around has kunda made things harder ..but im not trying to hurt myself either..im trying to manage and cope...im talking to sarah..and doing other stuff.. i mean im safe you know..

but im gonna go and lay down for a little bit longer ... im tired right now

thoughts on mommy ....

just a side note -  i went on vacation without filling the anxiety medication because i thought i was strong enough to manage without it... that i would be ok.... well as you can see and read.. THAT WAS A GIGANTIC MISTAKE OF EPIC PROPORTIONS -- sigh


being with mommy = hello darkness, my old friend. we meet again. i have missed you. i am lonely without you. it is as if i have lost a part of myself that i am more than willing to welcome back. That mean streak. That rebellious streak. That judgemental screecher that sits on my back, whispers in my ear, keeping me distracted, and out of focus. Judging me and everyone around me. picking and looking and watching everything. waiting and on alert for something, anything to happen. the thoughts, the questions of why, of what i deserve. of if i was loved enough. did i get the amount i deserved. did i get exactly what i deserved and i am paying the price of my badness level. i have to make up for being bad. i have to atone for my sins. i have to pay back for not being good, for being broken. for not being perfect. i see her look at me with disgust, with an emptiness. like i am not there. like she wises for anyone but me. i am not enough. who does she want? the good girl? puppet? the bad girl? cinder? silence? so many ? and fighting for her acceptance for her love and watching her with Noa and knowing that there is not enough for everyone. That i had my chance I guess. Now I am to old. I am an adult. I am not a child right ? I should have to compete for my mothers love. I watch though. I se the hugs and care and love she gives the children and the hurt and anger try to surface. I see the gifts and extra that she gives while I yearn and receive nothing but criticism. While I lie and say that it is fine as I am told to do better, to be better, to be more. I agree i can be more. But what else can I do? I can feel the cracks forming as 'more' tries to become a reality. what creating this time. another sad child craving attention and care? an angry child demanding to be seen and acknowledged? how much battering can one body take? how many words must be said before it all just stops and there is a break from all of it . How do I come back from vacation feeling as if I have failed at life? I wished on that second day to just turn around and come home. i was frustrated and upset and wishing I had filled the medication. I was overwhelmed and feeling like I couldnt deal. i did not want to see her. I did not want to be bothered with her. i was afraid already and already I was feeling attacked. just talking to her on the phone. I was reacting to her, putting myself on the defense. i didnt want to be there but i had already driven most of the 12 hours and could not turn back. I see her and the jokes and name calling at my expense starts. i laugh because that is what i do. Life goes on I guess. The days go by and the wedding happens. I thought I looked nice but doubt creeped in heavily after seeing mommy of course because she came up and looked at me with her arms crossed and said nothing..just looked at me. have you ever had someone do that? it is as if i am being criticized and dismissed all at the same time. i tried so hard to find something approving..something nice. something pretty..and it was shot down without a word. just a look of utter disgust.. i hate being watched but she watches me, she asks what i eat. what im doing. where im going. the child is me responds with anger but the need to obey is still there. it still takes over. and i am left stuck and broken and yearning for things that i can not have...how easily she can pass me over...how easily she can seek my approval and ignore my seeking of her approval..my seeking her love...can she not see that there is not any feeling behind my words...that there is no desire to be near her .. that i am usually defensive or upset around her...how can she not see ?? how can she not see me ?

medicine changes

since i am up i might as well write :)  and boy is there a lot to write !!

I guess ill start with the big thing first .... i am feeling more alive than i have felt in forever...and by alive i mean more 'awake' i guess...its hard to explain...like generally i go through the motions of life..i maintain..i manage...im tired and sleepy through the day..and it is like i am in a almost perpetual fog kinda ... like im here but im never fully here ..i wonder if that makes since..hmm ... like its hard for me to fully be aware of my surruondings because im always so stuck in my head..or so focused on the millions of other things im thinking about ...or just not fully with it you know...my mind is just sometimes..ok a lot of times just on autopilot and im just going along for the ride..or im sleep and just not dealing with anything or overwhelmed ...and sometimes i can break through the fog a bit ... i mean i do have happy times..i do have fun with sarah and laugh and play and do stuff you know...im not always stuck in the fog..but the fog has been a constant companion for almost my entire life... like i cant look back over my life without feeling the depression has overshadowed it...without feeling the fear and sadness and feeling like an outsider in my own life ... i have been trying to escape my life so long that right now i am actually terrified of what is going on..because it is new and different and just altogether scary in a totally different way... but i have to explain it also !  ok  so earlier this year i went of all the psych meds... BAD idea.. just very very bad idea...to say i kinda fell off the deep end is putting it nicely...yeah i was probably that step away from actually being put in the hospital had i not been put back on something when i was .. im just glad courtney listened to me in my moment of utter madness and put me on effexor..i picked effexor not her.. i had been on it before and remembered enough to know that i felt it had worked back then ..but back then i couldnt afford it .. but now there is a generic thank heavens that is affordable this time around ..so on the effexor i go..couple months in (maybe more ..my ability to remember time frames just sucks)...i see her and we talk about how im feeling and decide to increase it, instead of adding in an new medication at the time ...which i was fine with ... over the summer a bunch of triggering and overwhelming stuff happened and so i was up and down... i did cut once ... and havent done it again but i do have razors .. luckily the desire to use them has not come back again very much .. so i guess im managing ok .. but i ended up having to stop seeing courtney because she has been moved down to the medical clinic side of things and a new lady has been hired upstairs for the mental health side of things at the clinic..which i am not thrilled about... i ended up having to meet the new lady last week because i realized that i needed refills on my medicine and that with going out of town ..i really couldnt put it off ... it took a lot of convincing and some pushing from sarah to get out of the door but i went to the appointment and ended up talking about what has been going on and how ive been feeling and stuff and we decided to add on the abilify ...a low dose ... it was a conversation that i had already had with courtney ..when we talked about my options with either increasing the effexor or adding something else on the kinda boost the effexor ... so it was a step i was comfortable taking..since i had talked about it already... and i was also super lucky in that she had a sample that was a freaking months supply !  now comes the scary part though...ive been taking the medicine for about a week now... umm i started it last thursday... and i am feeling more awake ... i am feeling almost excited about things..about starting my day you know... like i wake up and kinda want to get out of bed and do things...and its like what is this?  what is happening ?? i dont know these feelings ?  i mean i am a pro at staying in bed !  i can do it for days and not care !  and all of a sudden i want to get up?  i want to do things?   this hasnt really happened before and i cant seem to wrap my head around it?   i mean no it doesnt last all day... no im not becoming super woman over here ... but it is happening enough the past couple days that i am noticing ... like i was excited to go to the beach over the weekend and had a good time.. i was excited yesterday to get my hair done ... normally the beach would have terrified me to the point of panic and anxiety... i was nervous .. but i made a new friend and we stuck together and the anxiety was held at bay ... i didnt take any extra medicine ... and i had a great time .. i still had to take some quiet time to myself during the day..but that was ok to .. yesterday i didnt get frustrated when i had to wait to get my hair done... i spent most of my time over there talking to curvon and jr .. we watched movies and ate strawberries and had a good time .. like my mood is still not totally level but it is more up than down the past couple days and it is slightly mind boggling ... like this i dont know ... i know depressed.i know suicidal..i know anxious..angry..sad... but ok..excited..calm... maybe even almost slightly happy...this this i dont know !!!  this i dont know what to do with..what am i supposed to do with it ?  am i supposed to do anything with it ??

i also realized during my talk with the new medicine doctor that i am not needing to take the anxiety medication as much these days ... something that i had not really noticed .. of course i asked for the prescription ... and was given a prescription for a small amount to take with me out of town..and i am still going back and forth about even getting it filled... i know the medicine makes me sleepy and as much as i may want them ..and as anxious as i may be...taking them around mommy may not be the best idea ... but thinking about being around mommy still leaves me feeling anxious and even writing this i have to stop and calm myself down...i do want to be able to stop taking so much medication... i was looking at what i take the other day and it is a lot...and i guess i have just come to depend on all of the medicine and it is hard to let any of them go completely ... except the metformin !  the metformin i will gladly throw out the window at an given time !  just let the doc give the word and out it goes ! but i get so nervous without the psych meds ..like can i manage without them..will i fall apart..will i be ok without them? but now i am questioning if i can manage without the klonopin and that is so scary

but getting a little tired ..maybe ill sneak in a nap and then get up for good at 7 or so ...waking up at 4am is a little on the early side

well...i got a car ...

since its 1am and i cant seem to sleep..i guess ill write about my car adventure ....


so on thursday ... i had set up a meeting to go to a dealership and talk to someone about a car...on a recommendation from a friend of mine... now in my mind i was only going to talk you know.. i mean the last time i had been to a dealer ship was like right after i graduated from college so like 2006..before the big mess with all the dealerships closing down and stuff..and so you know it generally took a couple days of shopping around and filling out paperwork and stuff for a car to kinda come through ... so i was basing things on that and thinking i was truly just going to talk and maybe fill out some paperwork and hopefully hear something back in a couple days... well wed. night i finally got around to printing out all of the infor the dude needed.. work and bank stuff .. the whole nine yards...i got it all ready and organized.. i was prepared... actually i was totally prepared to be told no i dont qualify.. i mean my credit isnt great .. i have a steady income but im not rolling in extra money each month you know.. how can i get a car...i was plagued with doubt...thursday morning comes along and im yelling through the apartment to sarah that i am not going and that its a bad idea...i was sick with anxiety and afraid to go..i was utterly convinced that this was such a bad idea and i was just going to be rejected...sarah somehow got me up and moving enough to get me out of the house...and on the drive there i really had to give myself a pep talk and remind myself that i was a grown up and that i could go to the dealership and talk to them without mommy ... i had to remind myself that i was prepared...i had the information they needed..i knew what i could afford.. i was just going to talk.. i was so panicked i was practically in tears but i kept telling it to myself until i got there...and i did get there... the guy i met with was nice..really young lol..but nice ... he worked with my to fill out the application..he answered my questions .. and before i even realized what was truly happening my application had been approved and i was showed my credit score...which by the way was a lot higher than  i thought i was... my information was given to the finance person and sent out to the banks ... i was being asked all sorts of questions about my budget and down payments and monthly payments..and still in my mind..i am thinking that i am still going to be told to come back you know...when 2 hours in ... all of a sudden i realize that they are looking for a car for me...like i suddenly like just clicked that they are looking for a car for me when he asked me if i wanted to trade in my old car...and i was completely floored ... like on what planet was this happening on floored... i asked him to explain the process because my old car was already paid off... and he did ... and i of course and sitting in there wondering how in the hell im going to make a down payment on a car with no money... but luck was truly on my side that day because not only was i financed for a car but my old cars trade in value was accepted for the down payment.  i went in at 10am...and by 4pm that afternoon i drove away in a new car with the registration and plates all in my name... and as i drove away the stress of the upcoming trip just completely fell away... no more worrying about renting a car...no more worrying about money for the trip...everything has almost completely fallen into place... no of course i cant just go and blow money because there are still bills to pay and medicine to pick ..but a load of stress has lifted.... it is nice to be able to go to my car and not worry if it is going to start...to not worry if something is going to be wrong with it..yes i will have to go back to have a car payment ..but i will manage... yes ill have to go back to actually looking for another job ... but i will manage ... its just a part of life...one more trip and then i guess summer is officially over....

Another Year

After seeing Britney this week, I have been thinking very hard about how I feel about divine intervention and the afterlife.  How I feel about guardian angels and if Nicole is truly watching over me.  Do I believe she is in a better place.  What do I believe.  I am not a religious person but I do believe in faith.  I believe in heaven and hell.  I believe in the there being an afterlife, I believe in the ability to come back and fix things, i believe in second chances, I believe in guardian angels, and if I wanted to be truly honest with myself I do believe that Nicole has watched over me for my entire life.  There have been a lot of times that i have cried and wished for her to close her eyes and to not see the things i have done, but I believe she is always with me watching and looking out for me.  I mean I have done some very stupid and very dangerous things and I am still alive.  I have been hell bent on killing myself and I am still alive. Some how I am still alive after so many passive attempts to kill myself.  Britney talked to me about survivors guilt, we talked about a lot of things but the survivors guilt is sticking with me, how much i have blamed myself for her dying, how much i have blamed myself for not being able to save her.  She was in the process of rejecting the transplanted liver when she died.  I was 2 and they could not take my liver.  I am trying to remind myself of this, because I keep wanting to go back to the old thoughts of 'why didnt they use mine, because i had to have been a match' i just had to have been.  or i was the healthier one so that means i stole all of the nutrients from her and made her sick..so it is really is my fault that she was so sick..when i know full well that fraternal twins do no share an egg sac thing.  i know this stuff.. but i still try to carry the blame.  i believe everyone blames me.   i was brave this year and posted on facebook and i am surprised at the responses i have gotten.. i have not thought maybe about how others maybe feel or what they remember at all.. i dont remember but i have discounted that family remembers older than me maybe do remember. and by me posting my picture they will remember and tell me. maybe not.  maybe they still grieve too.  i dont know.  i didnt really post it for others though...i posted it really for me. so that i can grieve.  because i have been trying to grieve for so many years in secret .. but this year maybe i can grieve openly a little bit ... still quietly but not in secret ...  i cried while i was britney and was able to acknowledge that i truly do miss my sister ..very very much .. i almost made it the whole day without breaking down even ... but as the day ends and my mind begins to quiet...my thoughts begin to drift and i realize that my head is sad...a little broken...a little lost ... and so i am trying to cope..i have music on..i am writing .. im trying to organize my thoughts so that i can get them out..and not keep them trapped in my head... i am fighting the tears though ..i still fight the tears

..

hhhmmmmm

steroid cream is so sexy .... omg im so itchy on my sides lol .. at least the doc listened and gave my something to try out ..cas im about to lather up and take a nap as i think about all the shit im supposed to be working on today ... - sigh -   oh well ...  

crapola the itching is suddenly like a million times worse cas im thinking about it...

like hey you wanna torture info out of me...just make me itch for a couple days and not let me scratch and ill tell you my life story !   yep... ill tell it all lol ... good heavens ..

good heavens ..

but my doc appt went fine this morning.. i was even on time ..

the metformin is in the end going to end up being increased to 2 pills twice a day .. but for now im going to keep doing 1 in the morning and 2 in the evening for a couple more weeks to make sure my stomach is ok... i have to ..have to make sure i am taking it before i eat ..so prevent the stomach upsets from happening ..which is fine... its so much easier in the morning because i know i have to eat in the morning ...things are a little harder in the evenings but that is just something i have to work on more consistently ..  and of course i need to stay on top of checking my sugar at home ..

my weight is holding steady right now which is fine ... im stuck on eating sandwiches and fruit cups..and cereal ... not very inventive i know ..but it works .. i may ask gail if she wouldnt mind making my some egg rolls tomorrow... i kinda want some more of those ..

i see britney tomorrow ... and the bh lady... and on thursday my nerves are all over the place about going to possibly see if i can get a car...be approved for a car....scary...scary...but im hoping i can be..ill figure out the money part later ...right now i just want the bank to say yes ..gosh...

fear and anxiety about later in the week ..so i dont want to really touch on that ..

maybe laying down for a little while is a good idea ... i dont know...

famous people and mental illness

i truly get that any and everyone can have a mental illness ... i understand that any and everyone can commit suicide ...

what i disagree with is that when a famous person commits suicide..the world hurts for them..the world cares for them...the world is sad for them, for their family..the world is concerned suddenly for every single depressed person all of a sudden.. suddenly there is a major need for more access to mental services...suddenly if you need help there is a million posts on social media for help lines, tips for reaching out, guidelines for getting help, a million and one 'you are not alone' messages.  In my small corner of the world depression, mental illness, struggling, suicidal thoughts and all of this did not just suddenly materialize because one famous person committed suicide. Yes, I listened to Linkin Park. Yes, I loved their music, and I am truly sorry he was hurting so much, that he turned to suicide.  I hurt for him the same way I hurt for the people who day by suicide every single day and they are not splashed all across the news and social media.  They are not the faces of mainstream depression or why everyone needs to speak up and get the help that is out there right now.  It is not fair in all honesty.  Help is not free, Help is not easy to get, Help is damn expensive, Help can hurt you and leave you more broken than when you started.  Help is not that lovely, warm, catch you when you fall dream that some people seem to think it is. For now though, everyone is saying how important it is to ask for help and get help,  who is offering to pay for all of this offered help ?  who is going to pay for the medication?  or take me to appointments ?  when the 'help' high wears off who is still going to be in my helping corner?  depression doesn't stop when the media attention goes away you know.  it doesn't begin again when another famous person dies. I don't exist to be your personal charity case when the hot topic is depression and saving someone, that is not how this works.

so yes i am sorry he died.  i am sorry every day for anyone who has reached that point and commits suicide. i am sorry the news and social media has a fucking field day with it and turns it into a circus for the people who live with mental illness every fucking day and continues to deal with life because it is what we do.

disordered eating and forgetting her (nicole)

i have been avoiding writing in a big big way...i dont really know why though ... maybe i am afraid of where my thoughts are drifiting and i dont want to acknowledge them..i dont want to get them out and have to look at them...if i can hide from them then maybe i can keep pretending that they are not really there ..that they are not really getting bad again ...and that i am okay ..you know ...

ive noticed the past few days that i am judging myself rather harshly .. that i am comparing ... that i am condemning myself based on rules and guidelines that i am not even sure i am aware of ..but i do know that i am failing to live up to the expectations ... i fear that my disordered eating is wanting to get kicked into high gear but because of the medication and the fact that i HAVE to eat that it cant ... the fact that not eating for just like less than 12 hours turns me into a horrible mean and grouchy persons means that i cant go days without eating anymore.. the medication and medical issues have put a stop to that little plan... my eating has certainly changed though...i am eating less... i cant handle super crazy big meals anymore .. i get full easily ..  and im not snacking as much . i still have random days of like wanting to eat everything in sight .. but my days of binging dont happen like they used to.. its so hard to explain you know..i do eat..i mean im not starving and im not barfing ... i dont really eat three meals a day though...most days its like 2 meals ... some days i have to force that second meal in because my stomach hurts a lot in the evenings or im not hungry... its weird.. i eat a lot of fruit cups .. but i am noticing that my thinking around food is getting a bit ..ok its getting a lot disordered again...im losing weight and i think that is a direct correlation to the current influx of off thinking ...like i need to get more effective...i need to lose faster...i have to do better...etc .. but at the same time the need to sabotage is strong ... and its like trying to lose and not lose at the same time .. it truly is a daily battle with myself ... is it a good day or a not good day you know...constantly bickering with myself to just eat and not go overboard..but these are secret thoughts..not to be voiced to anyone else ..  yet it is never ending chatter ... food food food ...  -sigh-

my mind is so focused on the date ... i watch the calendar and the clock...i watch and wait ... i think about it and the guilt builds up and the shame builds up and i  dont know what to do with it.. i just watch the calendar ...and wait as another year comes to an end and i am here and she is not and i wait..another year of silence ...but this year i have my own picture of us together ...this year i wont forget her ... this year i will try hard to remember ... i keep trying to hard to remember her and nothing is there .. and i have forgotten ...  her memory is lost to me.. what kind of sister am i to have forgotten her?  to have let her memory fade away.. ?  no one tells me about her ..and i wonder if anyone at all remembers her anymore ?  has anyone kept her memory alive ?  am i alone in trying hard to remember her ?   i keep watching the calendar ..because the day draws near... i fear it coming every year ...  i fear that i do not remember .. i am ashamed that i have forgotten

im fine

There is an emptiness that engulfs my soul. I am so tired, my mind is tired, my body is tired. I dont know what to do or say and i would prefer to stay in bed and not have to deal with anything. I don't think I am really believed when i tell the doctors that I do not have time to have a proper breakdown, as there is no time. After a night of tossing and turning, I woke up this morning to complete the mid-term exam for the pharmacy class that needs to be turned in today. Yesterday after some not so good choices, I still showed up for my doctors appointment in the afternoon because it was to late to cancel it. It did not matter that I found out yesterday morning that I will be losing the pdoc who i have worked with for what 4 or more years ? She will no longer be working in the mental health portion of the clinic, they need her down in the medical part of the clinic. Which means she may as well be gone to us. So immediate shut down, and as she so nicely told me yesterday she is not a therapist and so she didnt have to sit and wait for me to talk to her again, and that i was to old to act like this. She said she would rather i yelled at her or said anything so i said nothing. She knows, i swear she knows how hard it is for me to deal with people leaving and she tells me this ..and what does she expect me to do? so downhill spiral was instant and immediate. why is it so easy to automatically go after myself ? hurt myself , get back at myself in someway, punish myself..stop thinking and just hurt over and over ..in as many ways possibly because that is all that matters..that is all that counts..i knew i had another doctors appointment later that afternoon and i planned to go and sit through it quietly.. not that it actually worked out like that..and i was a wimp and cried ....but before that i got new razors .. but to make it a happy occasion i also got sarahs birthday stuff.. paranoia is way up and just buying razors at the store freaks me out ... in the grand scheme of things that should be the least of my worries .. long story short ..i told my doc i fell and denied needing help for anything at all.. i told her my plan was to stop everything .. meds, appts, no more docs, no more therapy, because everyone leaves in the end.. and i feel so abandoned ..and hopeless and feel so alone right now and lost and empty..and hurt...really really hurt ..and lets just throw in sick for my troubles ..stupid medicine .. so doc had a convo with me about not giving up and i may have mumbled something along the lines of ok...but i do what to give up...i really really do want to give up ...but again i cant..there is no time..sarahs birthday is wed..i have to feed the cats..i have to go to class..im supposed to be going home this weekend..see my schedule is to full...i cant pencil in giving up anywhere just yet..my stomach is to sick to handle food..but hey i lost 3 pounds in 2 days...everyone should be happy right ..yay me... im not really though... im drowning in sadness .. actually maybe im just drowning .. i have a couple hours to pull myself together before i have to go face the world again .. put on my im fine face and hold back the tears ... because all anyone needs to know is that im fine ... thats all that matters .. so it doesnt really matter what i am doing to myself as long as everyone believes im fine..then im fine ..tons of happy smiles and rainbows and unicorns
(depressing isnt it :( ) but yeah... im fine

"I hate the killing. I hate the violence. But I cannot stand aside and let others die for me. I will fight, too. I can't kill. Don't ask me to kill. 
-sarafina 

fears and things

i really wish i could think cleary and make sense but right now my thinking is all over the place...mostly negative ...sometimes im not even sure what im even thinking about ..its like nothing is there ..im just kinda laying down and nothing is in my head ... but my thinking when i am aware of it does have that sorta suicidal tone to it again ..like the thoughts are there but my body and mind are to out of it and to tired to put the effort into doing any thing ..like oh there is a thought..let me watch it float on by because im certainly not acting on it right this minute type thing ... but they are there ...

my mind is currently stuck on this medication issue and it has me afraid ... and i finally am realizing that i am afraid to make the medication change because i am deathly afraid of coming off of the effexor ... i came off before and almost ended up in the hospital... i came off cold turkey ..i seem to have issues with tapering off of meds ..its like ok you want me to stop so ill stop..i see no reason to drag it out ..but effexor is crazy dangerous to do that with ..i know that ..and i am currently fighting myself hard to not just go ahead and stop the medicine already because i know it will drive up my symptoms of well craziness .. and as with all things i cant afford to go to the hospital..i dont have time to be in the hospital ... but i dont have money to buy a bunch of medicine either ..and i had been getting the wellbutrion from crossover which means waiting for it to come in...  and with it being the holiday the clinic is closed tomorrow and tuesday..so i cant even get her until wed...maybe i could call britney...i dont know..i dont want to talk...but i just keep thinking and my head keeps filling up with stuff ..and overwhelming me and i keep trying to escape into sleep..maybe that is what i will just keep doing ..sleeping the days away for now just to stop the thinking ... im tired of thinking ..

in the mean time ..i have become and unfeeling , irritable, leave me alone, dont touch me.. i need silence ALWAYS not so nice person ... sigh ...i truly just want to be left alone ..like talking to noa tonight took a heck of a lot of effort and that made me feel so sad ... talking to sarah takes so much effort these days ... i dont want her to touch me and we dont play anymore .. and i love her company and being around her and things ..but i cant get past my need for utter solitude .. for silence ... i know it is causing a strain ...  im just kinda tired ... this time of year also is not a good time of year for me right anyway...so yeah ... a lot of little things ... a lot of big things ... just a lot of stuff going on ...