kicked while already down...

if this was a battle...then today i lost and lost big time...

mommy - 1
me - 0

im not sure i can find the words to truly express how badly i am feeling right now...my thoughts have gone downhill and are sitting at the bottom of this hole and i see no way out...im tired..my head hurts..and i feel lost ...i know i shouldnt believe her but i was already feeling a bit vulnerable from therapy and so talking to her and having her just i guess attack me in a way just made it all worse...she got me twice today ...and it is to much to deal with...im tired of fighting..and i asked her to stop because i was feeling stressed out and she didnt ..it was like i didnt even say anything..

according to her ..i need to stay in the closet...plan on moving out of sarahs in a year..dont make myself comfortable ... brought up old things that have been said to me..brought up my failures at my jobs and with living arrangements..my messy car...my inability to pack and clean and organize...all of it...if i can be so secretive with my family then i need to be just as secretive with everyone else...over and over ..i get this advice from her..and its like she doesnt care...no one cares in my family ..but as long as i keep up the pretense that i work with sarah then she is happy...nothing more can be said..i dont trust her or nia..and it feels like i do need to go back to keeping secrets ..because otherwise im doing something wrong...she says she doesnt care about my lifestyle and in the same breath tells me not to let anyone know..that what goes on behind closed doors is my business ...and not to mix business and personal...and that people will talk and say i am taking advantage of sarah ... and that im doing something wrong...i keep feeling like i am doing something wrong when im not...im truly not ...but i am fed the same arguments over and over...what part of im movin in with sarah is not clear?  why would i plan to move in a year if ive said im living with her? why am i going to make new plans now that dont include her ?  i feel like i will be forced to distance myself ... because i cant seem to win at this... i feel like im being pushed away in some ways because im not good enough..i dont fit in well enough..because im not following her commands as well as i once did ... does she ever think that maybe i need support to? or that i know being in a relationship takes work but every time i turn around im told to keep it quiet ...to leave..to move .. to date other people...over and over that is what i hear and it wears on me...not to make me leave sarah but just makes me tired and depressed and suicidal because it is so much to fight against..so many thoughts to fight against and sometimes i dont feel like i have any fight left...today i have nothing left...i cant think...and cutting is at the forefront of my mind..because i dont know any other way to ease this stress...because i feel like im worthless..not good enough ...a total waste of space..not accepted or even wanted...never wanted or liked  or loved..because im just a horrible person and should die anyway ... that was the plan  away..all those years ago ... just die and get it over with..and now all these years later i still have that same thought

emotional breakdown in progress

fighting for this stage in my life

something has been on my mind for the past couple weeks...ive been thinking hard about something and i just couldnt put my finger on what it was....yesterday after yet another conversation with mommy and sarah had a conversation with one of her case managers and i realized that we are both being questioned to death about this choice we are making ...and it is upsetting me in a way...it is stressful and overwhelming to always have to explain why..and defend the decision..and just not have people be happy for us..either separately or together...

i talked to sarah yesterday and she was upset and crying and i told her that i had decided no one would be taking this happiness away from me...and i realized in that moment that i truly meant it...that this move has been a long time coming and i dont want to be made to doubt myself or the decision...we made the choice together..we will be living there together..not with everyone who feels the need to share there opinions about the apartment or anything else...and im holdin tightly to the thought that this is a good move..this is what we need..we are always better together..we have talked about the pros and cons...we have talked about the changes that need to be made ...we have talked about ALL of it...and still people doubt..but no one is offering any help...except mommy and im paying for that!

the thing is that i am finally in a place right now where i am feeling accepted...almost happy even some days...and it is a feeling that i dont want to have go away...in the past almost three years ..i have been homeless more than once ..in bad living situations..without jobs..without a car...and now ..finally now things are beginning to look up and ill be damned if i have anyone take that away..its not fair...its my life..and im happy with the choices i am currently making...believe me i have made some really bad choices in the past but i am still alive...i have learned even if i didnt want to learn...i learned..and now..finally now i am able to say that my current choice is one that truly makes me happy and lets me feel at peace...and the fact that a lot of people are doubting us makes me want to scream...we are both adults the last time i checked..capable of making decisions..why do people think that they get to force their opinions....

so screw all of them...i can deal with mommy with sarahs help...and sarah can deal with all her loud opinionators with my help....

but i am determined to see this through..its not for anyone else...its not to make anyone else happy...its like ive struggled for so long and no one really knows that ..but sarah does know..and she has stayed by my side...we have managed to make things work in the face of everyones opinion...and we are still together...has no one figured it out yet ???

im learning...that i have to make choices for me..and my happiness ... and i dont want to let anyone ruin it for me...i dont...

Sick

Heyy
I have been pretty quiet , ended up going to the ER yesterday bout the chest pain because it got worse... I'm not having a heart attack....luckily...gave me pain meds and sent me home..said it was maybe a pulled muscle or something...on top of having major stomach issues..it's been a crappy couple days..literally..I'm reduced to saltines, soup and ginger ale...I did eat a pbj a little while ago and my stomach is not happy..I'm just worn out from it all. A lot of time laying down..going to try to get the pain meds filled tomorrow. Maybe they will help...I just,feel crummy.And gross ..

Feelings

Stuck in my head...sad thoughts and feelings..cranky..irritable..quiet..wanting to have silence..distancing myself..some thoughts of harming..Just feeling off..very unsettled and tense..can't relax ..overwhelmed..tearful..sorry for being me..headaches and not wanting to eat..angry..down..I'm feeling invisible...lost and alone...lonely..tired..exhausted..I don't know

So much in my head

I really wish I could listen to music right now..but I can't so I'll try to write and not get lost in my thoughts.... the depression is getting bad again...I feel tired..I feel off..I feel like crying...I feel down...really down...I'm at home we are leaving Saturday morning..it's storming currently so leaving now would have sucked anyway...mommy was only around for a few hours and still I got overwhelmed, defensive, upset...but she is out of town now and still I can't seem to relax...I don't know

But good news for a.change..I have a place to live

A real address...an apartment with Sarah...soon we will have more privacy...more space..And we will be together...we would out for sure yesterday..the lease will be signed on April 1st...And then I'll be back on Richmond for good by May,1st... finally

Kai is doing good..he has grown a lot !! But he still remembers me..he is such a good cat...super energetic but good...And bounce is super chill And good

Well

My anxiety has been increasing lately...I'm worrying about a lot of things and its happening more at night.. and then I end up having trouble sleeping.. I did start back on the wellbutrion today...at a lower dose than I was before...so will see how it goes.. I'm a little nervous because I don't remember how I handled taking it last time or what side effects popped up if any...so I'm trying to be careful...
I'm still having stomach issues and that just depresses me...my stomach is back to constantly hurting...and going back and forth to the bathroom is a pain...I hate it...

Not feeling so great

My stomach is acting up again...back to being a gross mess from multiple bathroom trips...I'm worn out...and feel weak like my body is going to give out...I'm tired and can't sleep but I did take a nap earlier... I feel awful that I'm just laying around and can't hold on to energy enough to get anything done...I feel nauseous and my stomach seriously hurts...and I'm just sick of looking at the bathroom.. OK whining over with.. I'm just gonna lay back down

Things

Today and yesterday have been really long days...busy days..And I'm not sure if I am completely processing things...we talked to the case manager about me being here into  the new agency is in place..And it is a big responsibility...a big thing to do...I have to be careful that I don't get burned out or startt to feel so tired that I no longer want to help...I guess that means I just need to do self care and not keep things bottled up...I have to be idealistic about what I can do and not try to be super woman and move heaven and earth to get things done...I'm not doing it to be recognized or anything..I agreed to stay way back when things started to look sketchy...I am here ..I will,stay...its just I feel bad for needing space at times or having  mood issues and shut down..or being a spazz and crying for some unknown reason..ughh..it will work out...it has too..it's going to. I have to be confident..I'm trying to be confident and not dwell on things mommy tell me...My life is slowly becoming more stable....I feel safe at Sarah's...I have a small steady paycheck...soon we will be moving..around may...Im  going to get kai in a couple weeks and bringing him back with me..much to bounces horror...I really need to get kai fixed..essh...I'm going home with Sarah for a couple days to get kai and all of that...

I'm feeling more or stable ground I guess...the depression has eased a bit...things don't look so bleak right now...I'm trying...I think I'm looking for validation...Maybe that's what it...Just reassurance that I'm doing ok...that I'm making good choices...that I don't need to be afraid...I don't know...

Some days I just get so tired of being me...

Had a falling out again with mommy..I knew the peace wouldn't last...I'm just left feeling so left out and worthless..I'm really down..And so very tired..

I'll  be restarting a med either Friday or Monday...Maybe it will  help lift me out of this overwhelming depression..it hurts to talk..to engage..I want to be alone but that's not possible..I was honest with Sarah about wanting to cut..but I haven't done it...the desire is there but the energy to go through with it is not...

I've been reading a lot today..trying to keep busy..bounce has been close to me a lot..Sarah to..I'm just struggling and I hate it...

a lot of changes

im not even sure where to start on the amount of things that are changing....ill be moving back to richmond before october and living with sarah...we are apartment hunting now...that is a happy happy set of news that i will be able to move back and find another job up here..vs lookin for one in nc..i will miss haning out with courtney and marley and the boys but yea i do better away from home...im still working on becoming more self sufficient..im working and slowly am able to see ow ill be able to save...right now money is needed for moving ..and once that is taken care of i will save for a new computer and then for the trip in sept to Illinois ...

things got bad with the aides and the company last week and so they are gone now...but that means i am here...and being here doesnt bother me...im still really upset that it was assumed that i would be here and able to do the stuff that needs to get done...i told sarah i would stay until the aide thing is worked out...but this past week as exhausted me...in so many ways...a lot of angry feelings...

mommy is still being nice when i talk to her...no pushing or talks about what im eating or not eating or where my money is going ... so that is good but weird...im still waiting for the other shoe to drop you know...but its been a little over a week and things are still civil...

i did ask to see the med doc though and we are going to look at my medicine on monday and make some changes...im nervous about that..i hate med changes ..but what im on now isnt really working ... and have been feeling more suicidal and stuff..so looking at them will be a good idea.

i do miss kai and hopefully will get to see im soon..but i know mommy and courtney are looking after him for me....

im working hard to use my coping skills.  ive been coloring a lot and even went for a walk one evenin when i was royally pissed off...i havent been cutting or anything

i am feeling a little down today so i am taking it easy...

Angry

Very very angry and struggling to calm down...took some meds and am finally able to think a little bit more calmly.. did some  writing and listened to music ..but still angry...

One of Sarah's aides has been yelling at her and she didn't show on monday and now she has pretty much quit..but the supervisor has only talked to the aide and is coming on Monday to see and talk to Sarah about what is going on...the aide has been waiting till I'm not around to say things.to Sarah and that pisses me off..the fact that the supervisor is saying it was a miscommunication pisses me off..the fact that the aide is taking personal days tomorrow and Monday and no back up person is being sent pisses me off...I'm sick of them assuming that I'm  here and will do it...the supervisor said nothing about someone coming in....

I am so angry and frustrated and they really all must think I am stupid..or have forgotten that I have a degree and I've done in home and personal care...I know what is supposed to  happen and this company is failing miserably...they have made one to many excuses now...I won't let it continue...

I wish I was good enough

My looks are something to be ashamed of...everything about me is shameful and embarrassing..I'm not pretty enough or thin enough..I'm not active enough..I don't take care of myself...it's hard taking care of something I hate..And the question I guess is who taught me to hate everything about myself...destroy the thing you hate..I sit in silence and agree that I'm not good enough..that I need to be better...I may as well agree that I'm worthless and no matter how hard I try I'll never manage to be enough...so why bother..

i feel as if something is wrong

Im feeling down..pressured i guess..i didnt go home this week because of the weather ... mommy has been calling and just questioning the life out of me..and i end up more stressed out and upset and defensive...she keeps making it seem as if i am doing something wrong by staying with sarah..like in some way she is making me sick...somehow i am getting in the way...using up all of sarahs stuff...that im not wanted and need to just stay out of the way...things that fill my head with doubt and tears and sadness and anger all at the same time ..and i dont understand why she tries so very hard to make me doubt myself...to question what i am doing..its not fair ... my little bits of happiness become overshadowed and i wonder if i am in the way..if i am doing something wrong and i hate it...being at home is causing a lot of stress..the pressure to just be better is there..everything i do is watched and i feel like i cant do anything right...i was actually told not to apply for a job at family dollar because its somehow beneath me to work there...and i dont need to be in the community like that...no one knows im home..i cant work in the community around were we live because i guess some one will recognize me or something..knowing i have issues with my background right now and she is doing everything is her power to keep me hidden away like im not wanted or worth the trouble..and it makes it hard to have confidence in anything at all when im constantly put up against some imaginary list of qualities i dont have...it makes me feel like a failure ...im questioned so much i guess i am a failure ... everything from what i eat to finding a job..how much im making ..paying back nia and rob and wayne and her...i dont have time to breathe because im always worrying...worrying how im going to manage and survive and do what i need to do and keep everyone else happy..because im sure at some point this will all kill me anyway .. and its really is like living on borrowed time and that at some point my body will just call it quits and no one will even care...ill be permanently out of the way and not a hassle for anyone anymore..the stress doesnt go away...even though im not even at home this week has been really stressful...she calls and makes me feel like a liar when i say the weather is bad..she swears that being here is keeping me sick and i got sick at home..she hints that im in the way here at sarahs and that im going to be seen as taking advantage of her...she asks if i asked if i could stay ..if it was ok...am i staying out of the way of her aides...everything...anything that can be questioned is.. and im left feeling as if im not wanted anywhere..and its pushing my thoughts into unsafe areas..

worthless life

Why me..a question that I keep asking today..for some reason I can't do anything right today..every phone call leaves me feeling worse than the one before it...And somehow I am the one feeling suicidal..And worthless and paranoid..why is it such a concern where I'm at...why is she trying so hard to make me give up everything relating  to Sarah..because now..in a  sick some how because of Sarah...I got sick at home..I've been sick both places...but staying home and not working will do what for me? How long will that last exactly before  I'm hounded to find another job..to stay home where I have nothing and where I'm not happy...all I get are questions..accusations..And I end up feeling defensive and upset and on edge...I can't relax because I can't stop worrying..And all day the thoughts get worse...And I stupidly keep answering the phones...I've gone from being ok to being unsafe in matter of hours..  wan t to scream and cry and just give up because no matter what I can't seem to make things work..I'm still in trouble..I'm still useless...And currently I just wish I was dead...

Valentine's 2016

Spent the day watching movies and goofing off...there is candy also :)

today

Today I've felt happy and pretty calm...still sick and feeling crummy but not as bad as it has been....I once again down play it but as mommy told me when I did it...I've been really sick..I'm truly not sure the last time I've been so sick...Maybe I need to take vitamins or something and build up my immune system..

But I'm back in Richmond for the weekend..I drove down this morning...I know what I need to do next time if I leave on Saturday and not Friday...I think I prefer coming down Friday..but i can handle a Saturday drive every so often..

I was pretty excited that I managed to get Sarah the cupcakes that she likes...that made me really happy. She got me flowers and candy and a stuffed unicorn..which made me happy too

I wonder why

I'm sick..I know I'm sick..I know to limit my contact with other ppl because  of being sick..being told three days in a row to not be around Sarah has me feeling paranoid and out of sorts..I have to work yes..but anything beyond that is just making me nervous...And talking to mommy keeps me on edge...And it just feels like I'm always stuck defending myself..over stupid things..am I really that stupid? I just feel like I nee  to be quiet and not do anything at all since I,can't even manage to be sock correctly.

sleep patterns...

Everything is born of something
Every action has a reaction
Every choice has a consequence

I was asked tonight if I would put my bed in the middle of the room or up against the wall when I move. A simple question..a yes or no question..a or answer question...it was not supposed to be a life altering question by any means..yet here I am thinking about it still and wondering why it's not just a simple question for me..I'm frustrated that it's not a simple question.I'm frustrated that I feel the need to explain my answer and say,why...but I'm not even 100% sure why...

I'm trying hard to remember how my bed was set up as a kid...was it against the wall or in the middle of the room..but I don't remember..Maybe it was a mix of both..I moved rooms a lot..

In college of course my bed was against the wall..My first apartment it was in the middle of the floor..when I moved home..it was back against the wall..it changes
.but why does it change? I should be old enough now that I should know how I am comfortable sleeping...but I'm not..I don't know..

When I sleep with Sarah I sleep against the wall..I feel safe an  protected that way...

At home my bed is against the wall but I sleep on the outside part of the bed that's not against the wall...I sleep facing the door..No one can surprise me or get into bed with me without my permission..I don't feel safe at home...I don't see why anyone would be sneaking in my bed but I am watchful..I have to protect myself..I keep stuffed animals and other things on the other side of the bed so there is no room for anyone else..

If I'm at a hotel I prefer the side of the bed that is farthest from the door..I think. But again depending on how I'm feeling I could end up in some position that,allows me to stare at  the door..to make sure no one co.we in..No one can get me..

  Think when I was  younger I may have tended to try to  sleep close to the wall...

Ugh I just don't know

Even with someone in the bed with me I try to keep space between us...Morgan  it works but being crowded and hot doesn't work for me
.sleeping with Sarah being the exception but Sarah also knows I'll get up if I  getting to hot..And sleep on the floor..

There is a pattern somewhere in all of this..something I learned a long time ago..a reason why I have to sit and think about if it is ok to not have the bed against the wall...she asked me the question and my immediate thought was it has to be against the wall..because I don't feel safe with it not being like that..second thought was its ok..it can be in the middle of the room..but this second answer bothers me for some reason..I don't know

not doing great

Struggling.....stomach issues. And not eating which can't really happen because am diabetic..so ended up with a crash this evening from not eating anything for lunch..And then got sick after dinner...massive headache...actually talked with t about sitting with emotional pain and not acting on it..I remembered that last night and have been sitting with the awful feelings...still dealing with the feelings...not acting on them but the thoughts don't stop..I'm losing control...I came home my room has been set up to mommy's specifications...My food has been bought for what I can have and not have I guess...My week has been planned out...I wonder if im allowed to think on my own anymore..I'm trying to remember who I am but it's slipping away...the need to be good and obedient..the fight to become good enough...the need to be good enough no matter the cost to us..I am not important..I keep forgetting that..but I come home and am reminded of my place very quickly...  I have no place..I haven't earned a place..  I don't measure up...all these years and I still don't measure up..

New schedule to get used to

Even though my stuff moved home weeks ago I've still been here on Richmond..but today after therapy I'll be going home for the week..I'll come back sometime on Friday and breakthrough Tuesday of next week..but generally that is my new schedule..I have been really anxious and out of sorts...worrying and stressing about going home...it's been on  of those things that's kept getting pushed off until it's become this huge thing in my mind...I have been safe...Just really struggling...I know what to expect going home and I'm trying to prepare myself for the talks and being stared at and told why I need to be better ...do better..I've been racking my brain on how to be better in a couple days..become someone who mommy approves of..I've failed at that again...I've begun obsessing over food again..which has me.nervous...it's been such a long  time since those thoughts have been in my head but mommy is pushing losing weight...And again I return to those old thoughts....I remember how it's all done..And with mommy watching me my paranoia picks up and kicking isn't an option..so it will once again change to food issues...not immediately but I know how I work...something has to be done and if it's not cutting then it's food...but everyone will be so happy when I lose weight..Maybe I'll become a vegetarian again..I don't know...Yes I need control of something...I hate this...but I'm going home now either way...so I better get,used to it nd stop being a crybaby about it...