not thinking clearly

I really just want to take my meds and go to sleep...I'm tired..My head hurts...I can't begin to figure this out..And I'm looking at the future and see nothing...No way out and I'm sick of all of it...  don't have the energy to pretend right now..I don't have the energy  to talk ..I'm scared I'm going to loss my jobs because of no transportation..I'm worrying and freaking out and I see no hope anywhere..I just want to get in the car and drive away
.I didn't see Courtney today so I'm out of half my meds..which doesn't help my thoughts any at all...My thinking Just gets worse and I see how way to turn it off...I'm waiting to tell mommy because I can imagine how that conversation will go..I need to pay bills and I can't.but if I don't I'll lose my stuff in storage..I don't know anyone who wants to drive me around to get to work...I'm stuck..in so many ways right now..

I've been hiding today...crying..hiding..thinking...I told nia I give up..And I do

I lost

I gambled and lost...I trusted and was lied to and now I have no idea how to pick up the pieces...I suck at life..And I see no way out..I was so happy..so excited..I missed the signs..And now I will pay for it...I'm just stupid and I'm trying hard not to do anything bit the need to pull away ..hide...ignore everything and everyone pulls at me..I can't deal right now..I just cant..And I don't want to anymore...I'm tired of trying

.of trusting...of believing that things will get better...all I want to do is just go away...I don't think I'll go to see Courtney tomorrow..I'll ask Jane to get her to call me...I can't face anyone right now...

update

Its been a while since ive written..a lot has been going on..both with me and with the kids at home...bullying and meetings and pulling the 11 yr old out of school for safety reasons..ive been helping her mom out as much as I can and going to some of the meetings to kind of speak for the 11 yr old...my schooling comes in handy at times …. the meeting we went to last week..the guy found out what my degree was in and he asked me to apply for a job with them...if only I hadnt screwed things up and what not with my background stuff...but that has happened and is in the past now..i have to move on...its on my record and nothing will change that and so I have to wait that one out....im learning its not the end of the world...but it does make things a little bit difficult..but im learning to manage...and now I have two jobs...one at ac moore that I really like which surprises me...talking to people and stuff...and then I have the one with sarah now that is really cool actually...i mean im helping her and spending time at her house and now there is a pay check involved...for the weekend anyway..i would come over and spend time with her anyway you know..and I do...shoot I still prefer hanging out at her house lol...i do feel a little guilty though...working for her and being engaged...i know ppl do it all the time ..and I guess its just one of those things that is what it is..but still...im just trying to get used to it...

but back to other stuff...the accident has really screwed things up...i have a car that im working on getting..and I think the stress is beginning to affect me physically..something is wrong with my stomach and or lower regions and I dont know why..and im worried..and scared ill end up in the hospital as they try to figure out whats going on..i dont want to be in the hospital...i dont want to have something looking inside my stomach...ive never had ulcers or anything like that before...and suddenly im all stressed and worried non stop for weeks and other physical symptoms start popping up and I dont know why...im still having headaches...daily headaches actually that dont really go away..its tiring and hurts and I hate them..even now I have a major headache and it sucks...

but yes I have found a car...i am still waiting on the check from the insurance so that I can pay for it...the car is going to be shipped to me...and the payment will be through ebay..no meeting weird people alone or trying to decide if im going to be kidnapped and killed or something...yes my mind works like that and ive seen way to many movies and read way to many news stories about things happening to people...and it would involve a crap load of cash so yeah..this does make me feel more comfortable at least....but if all things work out I will have a car soon...like within days..i have to get the payment sent which I will do as soon as I am able to get the check cashed....that is a big stress reliever on one hand but on the other I have mommy who is back to putting the pressure on relating to money and holidays and so the holiday stress and obligations are beginning and it gives me a headache...everything gives me a headache lately..there is no let up in the stress and things are just really hard a lot of days...

I got a light session with anita this week..but no I have some things we need to talk about next week...i need some closure on the mommy thing or I need to at least explain to her that it made me very paranoid and scared....i still want to talk about the lotus of control thing...i may write about that on facebook and see what others have learned about it...i know I have heard about it but I dont really remember where I heard it..and that irks me majorly...

things are a little messy in my head ...no cutting or suicidal thoughts ..just kinda down...worried....planning and thinking and trying...im trying so hard and then I talk to mommy and it all goes down the drain and I feel like I cant do anything right ...and that nothing is enough...she yelled at me about not sending her a birthday card..honestly I didnt even think about a birthday card..i truly didnt ...i called her on her birthday..but as soon as she found out I would send her money oh everything was fine then...but will I send her enough? Will she call and ask for more? I have to send nia and rob some money...i need shoes and a jacket and maybe if im really lucky I can get an actual bedset...im hoping ill be able to get my new glasses at some point in the near future … who knows...and now I have presents and planning to do...as I said the headaches never stop...i need to get my meds filled and I see courtney tomorrow so maybe that will help...ive been taking them..sorta...ugh...i cant seem to get out of overload these days...its becoming the norm..and it bites...but I better do what I came to do..before I run out of time...

a struggle today

Today has not been a good day...I made some very not good choices..I cut my leg this morning out of anger..And being  overwhelmed...I did bandage it at least.. it's sore....And walking hurts a little bit...I'm trying to remember if I took my meds this morning...I think I did..the morphine from yesterday kicked in this afternoon and knocked me out..I was hazy and had no idea where in the heck I was..And I was only in bed...I was a mess.this afternoon..Well later this afternoon..

Mommy got to me both yesterday and  today but it was this morning that it was to much...  I was stressing about my car an  talking to the insurance guy and money and  a million other things and she calls to yell at me about a stupid gofundme page..told me I made her look bad...that i was begging..that no one needed to know if I was struggling...on and on she went..I told her that I am working my butt off with my head hurting every single time because I am trying hard not to have to ask for money..I'm trying to jungle an almost minimum wage job against bills and life and meds and the outlook is depressing..I'm trying and all I get from her is that it's not enough..if I sound ok  on the phone  .Ok I guess Im  going to work..if i don't sound ok..go to the hospital and then go to work..there is no stopping..No giving in...giving up is failure..suck it up and move on..

How it goes from 0 to 100 with her...
The cycle begins slowly enough...the accident happened...I called nia and not mommy because I didn't want to deal with all  the questions right from the start from mommy..I kept her updated and she updated mommy..I called mommy after I got to the hospital..let her know what happened and that I was ok..she asked some questions but I told her my head was hurting and I would talk to her later..she asked me to call her when I got home that night..I called  her when I got home...she called me the next day numerous times asking how I was and asking about my insurance stuff..what to say and what not to  say..I started getting headache  And she pushes  going to the hospital...I went and was told I had a concussion...the numerous calls kept coming but they slowly began to focus more on insurance stuff..money..the deductibles..who I was talking  to..was I calling enough..if i complained of not feeling well she mentioned the hospital..told me to get a lawyer..to have a doctor trail that something is wrong..that she would talk to a family member and let me know exactly what I needed to do...on my days off I was sleeping a lot..And she didn't like that.. she told me I needed to keep calling the insurance people..she told me she didn't like how I was doing things..she told me that I would lose my car and have nothing and no one would be able to help me...that conversation got me to start questioning myself..what,was I doing wrong? What hadn't I done? I had called and left messages..  was becoming afraid that mommy was right .. that some decisions  was going to be made and it would be a bad one and it would be my fault for not trying harder..I began to tell myself that I was mess in  up..that this was my fault.the accident..that I was  going  to lose my car and my job..that even though I'm not feeling good I have to keep going to work..  have to keep trying to do something right in the midst of so much wrong...I started thinking about cutting..wanting it..needing it..I finally got in touch with one insurance person only to be told my case was  transferred...I got the information for the new person and began calling him..the not  I couldn't get him on the phone..the more paranoid I got..I was stressing myself out worrying about the rental..about work...about if I would have to drive home..what would happen..And having to go  back an  forth to the doc because of the headaches...the more I couldn't get answers the more worked up I began..And the more negative I got ..until I was feeling suicidal..until.  I was tired of fighting with myself and tired of listening to mommy and tired of insurance and worry and not knowing what was going on...I finally talked to the right adjuster just to  be told that my car was considered a total loss..And that some one else would be calling me..i  didn't want to tell mommy that because I felt like what she said would happen..had happened...I messed up... i ruined my car..And now I had nothing..I was at work when I got that information and spent the whole shift thinking of a way to get one of the box cutters and cut my arms and wrists...I wasn't able to do that...instead I came home and found the dilaudid..And suffered for a couple hours after taking it because it makes my chest hurt so much..but I took it anyway it made me unable to stay awake but the real weirdness happened today..this afternoon ...but this morning mommy again called and yelled at me..this time about the fundraiser thing and I really did just lose it I guess..I started crying and agreeing with everything she said..that I had messed up and made her look bad..And that no one needed to know I was struggling..And all of that..And as I listened and agreed with her..I very calmly planned where I was going to cut...I hung up after she was done ..avante was in the process of leaving and I told her I was fine in some form or fashion..I think I just shook my head and close  the door actually because I was crying..I waited until the house was quiet ..the baby was sleep..I was watching  him...got what I needed..And did what I did and then bandaged it up and put pants on to hide the bandage..I cut until I calmed down pretty much...watch and analyze what I'm doing..not enough..to much..not deep enough..How to tell when the anger is gone...this time I was angry when I cut..which is kind of a don't do that rule...those are worse...those show a lack of control...those show the  absence of pain..because there are more.And they are more likely one top of each other and stuff...it can get messy...but that's pretty much what happens..the cutting has gotten the suicidal thoughts to slow down a little but both are still around..

total loss

My car is a total loss...the cost to repair it is more.than the car is worth ..My car is gone...I tried to see about raising money to help.pay the deductible..I saw nothing wrong with that...I didn't see it as begging...but mommy did..she got me.this mornin about it...it got back to.her that i,was begging. I wasn't begging. I.wasn't..I've taken it down of course...I cut ...instead of killing myself and I'm still thinkin  about cancelling t...I don't want to be seen..I don't want to be anything..I'm trying my hardest and its not enough
.two notes to keep my ass home and I still go to work because it's drilled into me that I have to...sick or not I have to... I just want to not deal right now...I can't deal...I feel so useless and stupid and sad and worthless and so so so not ok

overwhelmed to the point of numbness

I'm so very tired..bad night of sleep..took some morphine...bad idea...I said not to take it again bit last night I was wanton  t  cut so bad that I chose practically giving myself a heart attack ..for whatever reason that shit hurts like a bitxh and I can feel it moving through my system...And so for a couple hours it was suffer central...I didn't ask for help..I didn't deserve it..I managed..I slept like shit though and I still want  to cut..I will...it's just a matter of when at this point...I'll have some alone time this morning...so whatever...I'm stressing ...overwhelmed to the max and frustrated...I found out yesterday that my car is being classed as a total loss...what in the hell am I going to do..because I have  insurance and everything I'll get some settlement for my car but will it be enough to get something else...?  If I can't keep the rental how will I manage to get to work? How will I survive at all at this point??
I have another doctors note to not work..And what am I doing?? Going to work...I have to  work.i told someone last night that me a my concussion are going to work..And have been ..i didn't even truly take off a single day..i got them to switch my day to later in the week..why bother eating when I take Tylenol and aleeve all freaking day long just to manage and that's at the bare minimum...the headaches kill me..but I have no  choice. I have to keep an income coming in..No matter how small...these days I feel like crap..medically I feel like crap...emotionally I am incredibly suicidal...I don't have the energy to go through this again...I really really don't..And giving up just begins to look better and better and better..because I see no,,way out..I'm working and its not enough...in mommy's eyes I'm not doing enough and I  not doing it right..let's ignore that most days I don't feel good anymore..but again I  am a failure..I ruined my car..I should have moved more..or left work earlier or something..this is my fault..And I can't even fix it.. and there is no more borrowing money for a car..there is nothing...nothing at all..I'm just done..

hurting

 ..I'm once again writing this and trying not to cry...My head hurts so much..I just got this job..I can't call out..again already.. I came home last night and crashed..cried on the phone with my sister my head was hurting and I didn't know what to do...I woke up an  my head  hurts..I just want to sleep..I'm only taking my regular meds and some aleeeve..something heavy or that I shouldn't have..mommy is pushing for me to go back to the hospital..  don't wan  to though :(  it just hurts so much. I don't know what to do...I have to work..I have  to get the money for my car..I don't have any options. I don't know

Mommy is pushing for so much right now and my head can't handle it..insurance and lawyers and cars and it just makes my head go in circles

I'm just tired...so so tired

very angry tonight

Everything seems to be getting to me today..everything....sing  I heard about my car...And maybe that is affecting other stuff..I don't know...but I think I've ended up pissing everyone off..And it just pisses me off even more...currently I'm just up thinking about my car...My situation..My life..My lack of a life...My joke of a life and I want to end it..silly little argument with avante over the kids being in my shit...hello this is nothing new..and she knows that. She knows they are in my room and take my stuff out...she knows I find my stuff all over this house and I leave my stuff in my room...but she picks tonight t  want to tell me to speak to,her children in front  of her...Ok then..whatever..I'm the one with shit missing...with shit broken...with shit lost...stuff I came here with is gone...My mugs..My knick knacks..My magnets..stuff out of my room...gone or broken..but I say nothing...How many nights have I come in and my chargers are out of my room? And I have to ask for them back..My stuff...they didn't ask for it..or to use it.No they wait until I'm gone to come and get things and then can't find them...I told her I didn't want them messing with my movies because one of my cases is already lost....but still they are being taken out of my room when I'm not here...but again I don't say anything...I let it go..but I'm wrong in this to right...because I'm here I'm freely supposed to allow all of my stuff to be ruined to be destroyed...Yeah..My hand is forced ..because I have no wear to go...And so,silence is my friend ..hiding is my friend..I have nothing anyway...why pretend otherwise..

worry

I'm going to write some because I can tell that,I'm getting angry and. I Don't know why..I started to get anxious at work..reminding myself I didn't take any meds this morning..great...No...left work and its pouring rain and mg lights aren't the best so my anxiety just spiked..I was scared..I couldn't see..I was afraid of getting into an accident..I made it home and still it was pouring  And I was locked out which did not help my mood any...so then I was in I don't want to talk to anyone mode..came in..took meds and laid down...kaiya decide tto have litter box issues tonight so I ended up cleaning her and the litter box out..And now I'm laying here..unable to sleep and just getting more and more angry..I know I'm stressing about stuff...And my eating is all weird and all I want to eat is sugary stuff..cakes and cookies and candy..I'm tryin  to do a good job at work but my need for reassurance is already popping up and it has been like 2 shifts..I'm worrying myself to death with everything

trapped

I'm feeling quiet..tired..a bit worn out with things I guess.Maybe it's the depression...I spent pretty much all of yesterday in bed sleep or just lay in  down. I did go to the store and sort of cook dinner..And then that was the extent of my energy it seems
 My first day at work was hard..it was restock day pretty much..first day and I got to spend it looking for where all this stuff goes.
I tried to keep a positive attitude..but it got harder when I couldn't find things..And had  to keep asking for help..I of course didn't have snacks and so I knew when I started to get cranky and frustrated  that my sugar,was low..but I didn't want to make a big deal about it because there is a young girl there with diabetes and her  sugar dropped during the shift and everyone was focused on helping her and so I didn't need to make a big deal about it. When I get some money next week ..I'll buy so stuff to take for lunch well snacks since I don't really get a lunch..I'm hoping my hours stay the same each week though. That would be nice. If I can just snag another day..but we will see how all that goes...

Sarah is out of the hospital..she got out on Wed...I'm glad she is out..she still may end up going to the crisis unit..but won't know that until next week...which has me thinking a mile a minute about everything and nothing...I'm just off..Just waiting...I did let her know I won't be comin  over when anetras there..didn't realize it was bothering me so much until she asked ..but it is bothering me...Sarah going  away is bothering me...but  it's not my choice is it..im supportive...but I have no answers..And that bothers me to.

I'm trapped in my head today....really really trapped

My thoughts move backwards

Sadness engulfs me...fear...tears...not understanding...guilt...I think and think..I don't sleep because I'm thinking.trying to figure out I don't know what..I'm lost and my thoughts become so convincing...No point in not cutting if it will keep me calm...May as well..bad bad dreams..pain..death...rape..torture..violence..I keep ending up in bad situations...I'm sick of slee

empty

Right now I'm feeling so empty and alone...And stuck I guess..  want to be ok for Sarah..And she has my full support and I'm so proud of her for getting help and calling her docs and going to the hospital...but at the same time I feel useless and alone...I know she needs to figure out what's going on and get a handle on it...but I feel as if I've been left on my own..And its making me just want to shut down..  don't want to talk to anyone..or do anything...  don't know when she will be able to call me or when she will be out...I am mad and jealous..I tried everything I could to help while i  was there and it wasn't enough ..And it makes me feel like I didn't try hard enough..I didn't care enough..I failed..And now she is in the hospital..the jealousy is coming from the fact that she is in the hospital..that she can go to the hospital or crisis program and get help or get a break..but I'm not allowed to do that..personal rules... I guess...And I can't afford to do it anyway...And mommy would kill me herself...Yes those are the reasons ..Well some of them anyway for avoiding the hospital..things aren't that  bad for me..I'm only thinking of killing myself a little bit this week..so that means this week is acceptable..there is a major need to hide my thoughts..pretend I'm ok...as I usually do..otherwise I'll just be stupid and not stop crying...she is safe and I'm happy for that. I truly am...I'm just wondering how safe I am...the thoughts weigh heavily on my head ...another night of no sleep..not even with the medicine..I just stay up and think...but maybe today I'll just sleep..I'm not to sure about managing today safely..

life waits for no one

My brain is sluggish bit I feel like. a lot is on my mind right now so worrying it is...I'm back on my meds..  saw my doc today and i actually let her know that I was off of one of them and because my blood pressure was so good today she said that we are going to hold off on the one I'm not taking..And see how my blood pressure does..I have to go back in to have it checked in a couple weeks..but everything overall was ok...got my usual lab work done, and depo shot and flu shot today..to say my arms are killing me is putting it lightly...I'm feeling. A bit miserable actually..My weight is the same though...for three months I say that is good but I told mommy and got the you can do better speech and so immediately felt bad but I'm to tired to take it out on myself today..I'm just down. I had to take off my shirt at the doc to have her  look at my back...embarrassing..but I needed her to see..she sent in a cream..Maybe Sarah can put it on my back  for me...

I talked to Sarah the other day about somethings and we had some time together and it was a much needed release...I'm just stills  struggling so much to accept that sex is a release and that it's ok to like it and want it and maybe even need it. I can't get there as often as I like and so it hard  ..And I get stuck and act on things negatively..I don't mean too

Things with Anita are rough..Well rough territory..scary territory...

I may have a part tome job...at ac moore...I  waiting for my background check...And then ill know when I can start...it's something..I'll be able to live..it's going to be tight..but I'll manage..somehow I'll manage.

Secrets

My whole life is made up of secrets..keeping them..protecting them?!hiding them...when do I bet to stop keeping them.Anita is slowly learning my secrets..and she will hate me too.I'm trying to push people away..I don't know what I want..right now I'm sorry I exist and I'm wishing mommy had gone through with what she threatened all those years ago...why couldn't she have just killed me then..and it wouldn't have mattered..

down

I'm feeling so down..My thoughts are getting darker..what's the point of fighting...the planning and plotting an  thinking are going on...what do I want to do..it's a choice..  i now.. I just keep making bad choices..And these choices will kill me...eventually...I'm just tired and feeling alone because I'm having a hard time pitting things into words..I can't ask for help when I don't know what's going on..I can't ask for comfort from Sarah when I don't even know why I want it...And not being included is makin  me sad..Well sadder...I know she would..but If  I'm not invited and not wanted then I'm not going to show up.but it doesn't help my any thing..to be pushed aside for reasons I don't fully understand..but it's ok..I'm not bothered. I'm fine..it's a part of life. I am reminded again that regardless of it all I will never fight in..

Aimless...

I'm just feeling so aimless right now ..I'm not sure what I want to do and the energy and drive isn't there to do anything with either..I'm sick of laying in bed..but I'm stuck in my head..which aggravates the already aggravated symptoms of my head and leaves me with to much time to think and plan and remember and wonder and question and feel useless.. And I just wonder what I am doing. What am I supposed to be doing and I'm afraid to truly revisit that question from Anita about working and doing a job..and me and my views or plans or whatever you want to call it..I don't know what to call it..I can keep a job can't I ?? Have I become so messed up that I cant? Do I expect things to be given to me?? I don't know what to think..maybe it truly is better I get out of mental health and see how I do away from the field..just a regular job..no taking another peoples problems ..but at the same time. I don't trust my ability to do anything else...I can't be normal..I don't know how...I feel stupid.

Something is brewing in the corners .maybe that isn't the right choice of words... something is driving this current back and forth anger and sadness and I'm getting those questions I have no answers to. Why couldn't I protect us? Where was everyone at and why was no one there? Someone is looking for answers that I just don't have..I feel guilty for not being able to answer.. I feel guilty that the questions even have to be asked. I think I'll go back to laying in the dark.

Overthinking

Something is bothering me..I'm not sure  what it is though.. My mood goes up and down and I'm suddenly feeling more down and lonely and I'm not sure why..I'm feeling mean and spiteful and I just want to be left alone..suddenly the need to run and hide is strong...to just go away .. I don't understand. Yesterday was OK right? I held off the thoughts but I guess today there was no holding them off and so they returned...they are back where they are comfortable .. Causing me to doubt and question and fear everything...

Happy Birthday

I made it through my birthday. I am 32 and I am alive. I worked hard to have a good day yesterday and overall it was good. Some down moments and struggles but lots of good moments too and I even got to spend the whole day with Sarah on Sunday. So overall a good birthday.

What is the next move?

I'm not sure what to think right now..or even what to do...I know I'm being irrational and impulsive.. I know I'm thinking to much and to fast..planning stupid things...I know better than to plot things when I'm feeling this way..because right now I'm ready to quit everything and disappear..just walk away...or die..like I said..not thinking clearly...I've been trying to write this forever but I'm distracted as all heck... So much has happened in the last few days and my brain is hurting from thinking so much...

I'm trying so,hard to,find the bone crushing depression over losing my job...I really am..but it's not there..I,am fighting myself over the idea of losing my job..over the idea that I am supposed to work...that I am not supposed to be fired..that is what I am fighting...the job its self though..No..I cried yesterday because  it hurts being fired ..but no,I,am glad  to be gone..I'm glad to not have that stress..that,fear and worry..I didn't like it there...but I felt like I had no other option because  of my background issues..like I had  to stay..because they were the only place that would hire me.. that was my mistake..I stayed..And suffered for no good reason...so now that option  is gone completely and I am happy on one happy and stressed to the max on the other. I mean I don't have a job. What am I going to do. How am I going to manage. I'll be able to get buy until Nov if im incredibly careful and do nothing extra..and count every cent...I was going to stop the meds but I won't do that. I'm still going to get something small for my birthday and pay the bills . I'll be able to pay rent  for Oct. And I'll need to have a job by Nov pretty much..that is what I'm looking at. Sarah will be going to the training then in oct  an  of course I'm going but I'm stressed  about getting there an  stuff..we can't take my car so yeah..Just more money..I'm worrying about her and she is worrying about me. It's kinda funny. 

I'm down about my birthday. I mean I'm getting stuff. I'm worried about being by myself a bit...actually in general I'm just worried about myself right now..I have razors...real ones this time..And a plan...im not surprised...I know what it will  take to use them...No thinking involved...sad  right..but birthday..I'm going to try to make it as ok as I can..I feel stupid asking avante If  she is planning anything..an i   feel useless like cooking my own dinner and buying my own cake but it is what it is..it's not like I haven't done it before..it's not the end of the world.. so I'll just make it a nice day..And try not to cry and stuff.. rent some movies and order a build a bear..And fix dinner an  have cake with the kids. It will be nice. It will keep me busy. Maybe a can find a cheap portable DVD player since my tv isn't working and I really want to watch movies..And I know I'm getting the book of life.. 

I'm pretty sad that the stupid race is going to have everything blocked off around Sarah's house and I won't be able to get through..that makes me frustrated..And I feel lonely already..

Maybe I'll take a nap...I'm feeling badly  again...

Outlook ..abuse..mental illness..families

I watched a movie today called Mississippi Burning...I watched mainly because of the description.. I told the story of three kids and kind of followed there life of how they got through growing up with abuse, family issues, alcoholism, etc..it go my interest. These movies generally always get my interest. I watch them to see the outcome. I want to know if they are saved, if they are helped. I want to know if they make it out in the real world. So I watched it and it made me cry as generally these movies do. This time there was no real anger, just a lot of sadness, a lot of wondering if there is any real hope for true honest to goodness recovery and if it is even worth it.

The cycle repeats over and over within families. Generally there is the one kid who makes it out and gets away for it all. But really just how much are they getting away from. You can't run away from your past, you can't run from the memories, the fear, the harm that was done. You can try, you can pretend, you can try to hide from it, you can use other ways to escape it, but it is still there waiting. Against all odds your past can out wait your defenses, what will it take ? How can it wait? 5, 10, 15, 20,30 or more years before the flood gates open and suddenly all those little quirks of yours suddenly begin to make sense. There is a reason you don't like loud noise or check the windows or only wear a certain color or whatever it may be. It's not made up, its not that you are crazy. Everything has a reason, a cause, a beginning point ( in my opinion anyway) .

I just became disheartening watching it. Three generations of these families..one generation after the other, falling apart. No one catching the signs. No one seeing the hurt or the problems. One alcoholic parent raises an alcoholic child, one abused child abuses other children, and then accuses the hurt child ( who has at this point grown up) for not warning another child. There was no help or understanding given as children and so they grow up repeating what they know..the adults continuing the same behaviors..each kid slowing giving up and staying in the same cycle..and the one child that is trying to get out, they are trying to pull her back in. Telling her she can't make it out there. She does leave in the end, but it takes a lot of issues to get her to that point you know..and even then I wonder if she will make it. I wonder what she is carrying with her from her past. What demons will creep into her dreams. What demands will be placed on her while she is gone that will drive her back home to the place she is trying so hard to escape from.

Maybe I should have watched the movie in a better head space, who knows. The outcome may have been the same. I just wonder what the point is. Yes I made it out in some ways but I am still locked in my family. My mom still has a firm grip on me when it comes to certain things. The triggers can still send me onto unstable ground faster than I can blink and I am left wondering what the point truly is. What life am I fighting for when I can barely stay out of survival mode. I am self destructive to myself but would never harm anyone else. I see my therapist and take the meds when I can afford them and still can't stay stable. The outlook is bleak. The birthday is Monday and I may be extra depressing because of of that but really..what am I missing? A million messages everyday to be happy to find happiness to stay in recovery, to have hope, so on and so forth..and then I read something or watch something and reality hits and its like recovery really sucks. It's not all rainbows and sunshine.. It's snot and tears and wanting to die and talking about painful stuff and still having to interact with the world without burning shit down or cursing someone for just breathing next to you.. No one wants to hear that though. They want to hear how you are happy and recovered and being a productive member of society...I hate to break it to you but most days I'm not productive..most days I lay in bed and try not to kill myself honestly. That is me being a productive member of society. I can even multitask and smile and play farmville while I'm doing it. Ugh.

Maybe I'm still that kid waiting to be saved from myself and pissed off that it doesn't happen that way for adults. I'm expected to suck it up and deal with what life throws at me. Life doesn't play fair. Life throws the past and the present at the same time and trying to tell the difference between the two causes a lot problems. That is when I have conversations going and things getting mixed up. That is when I can't figure out why I'm worthless and stupid but without a reason. The demons currently have an unfair advantage... They are winning the fight.

You deserve to die
I hate you so very much
Just go away and leave everyone alone

waiting and tears

I am overwhelmed...I already feel like a failure and the feeling just increases...each day it has continue  to increase and as it increases the feeling of giving up..being done nightlife and everything come with it..I feel tired..drained...sick of trying..My birthday aggravates these thoughts..How dare I celebrate a day that is not mine to celebrate.. an age I was never supposed to reach..another year with out my sister and I am supposed to be happy? For what reason exactly? Looking back at this year makes me feel worthless in so many ways...so much has happened...so much to deal with..so much to accept and live with and jobs..moving..money..stress..health stuff..so much going wrong..so much stress and fear..it over shadows the good moments..I can't truly say my entire year sucked...most of it did but I did have happy times with Sarah and nia. and noa and meeting Marley ... I spend a lot of.time at Sarah's house ..Well this whole year I've prolly spent half of it at her house...I don't mean to be so negative..right now..My mind is on overdrive an  I,can't seem to get things to slow down...I'm waiting for the inevitable...I'm waiting  to see what will happen today..what turn will my life take today..Will I end up back in serious survival mode..Will i  become suicidal...Will I go back  to the serious cutting just to stay calm enough to get through each day and not freak out..I'm trying to plan..but I can't..what will I need to do..How can I survive...How will I survive..How much money will I need to  make it..How long will it take to find another job...what in the hell  I going to do...No I don't even want the job..I see the advertisements all over for places hiring...Will I be able to find a job that I'll be able to manage? And like? Maybe it is time for me to get out of the mental health field while I'm working on my own stuff ..I'm reacting to much...I'm getting to angry..I want to be left alone...I don't like this job and I certainly don't want to be there when they go under...right now I have no clear answers...And the unknown is staring at me and I hate it...I really do...I can't plan the unknown and I need to plan...I need to know.what will happen...And not knowing drives me crazy...No meds gives me no balance point...I have no ending point..I go and go an  there is nothing to stop me from breaking..I'm tired..I want to sleep..I can't get the head ache to stop..My head  hurts  so much..when did I eat last? Last.night? When I got off work? Goldfish? Am I hungry? No time for food. Better to just sleep until. The meeting...the dog stuff is stressful..go don't go..go..those ppl make me want to scream.I don't like them..have to play nice. Don't kick them. Don't yell or curse. Be nice. Hate them for what they are doing. They are inconsiderate and rude and stupid and a waste of space..so have to go there in oct..more. unknowns
 More worry. More stressors..more everything..mommy wants me to go to Ohio for her birthday. Money I don't have and a trip I don't want..I. feel.sick..I feel stupid forgotten..worthless..I am reminded that the cutting I did on Sunday was nothing..that I can do better if I want to sleep and feel better...so convincing...so believable...I shouldn't listen..I don't think I should listen..I don't know..I need something...something that will keep me distracted..something that will keep me slightly out of focus...anything..something..anything..I don't know...sleep..cry quietly so no one hears...




No one likes you anyway..it's best if I remind you of that now..you have nothing. You have no one. Quit being a baby and grow up.

past

So much for that lockdown...My brain is crying in pain..I,can't outwardly cry...so so..My eyes cry backwards...I wonder if it's possible for my body fill up with tears? Would I drown in my own tears?  My mind is on fast forward...And rewind..I'm thinking and trying not to thinking.I'm tryin  to remember and not remember...which pretty much means I'm tryin  to piece together things that don't completely make sense and end up feeling worse because  it doesn't make sense...  talked to Anita today,about happened with fat daddy..you know I don't remember his actual name...he was just,fat,daddy...And I'm also beginning to really think I don't have the best relationships with my cousins..some of them anyway...but anyway..he is younger than nee..,,went to there house once a month to get my hair done...it took forever....went for years..about we were caught..I guess she asked mommy to stop bringing me...I,thinkin  I just eventually started doing my own hair..I,wasn't comfortable there..  felt like I,was  being talked about..picked on..I didn't stand up for myself so they,said what,they wanted..I heard them..or thought I,hear  them and took it in...And believed that I had done something so awful..so wrong..I,knew I,was in trouble ..a lot of it.

It started off simple...I,had been dropped off to get my hair down..And.  was in the den area under the dryer..bored..watching tv...probably reading ...fat,daddy ma  have been playing down there but it was jus  the two,of us in the room at the time some how...I don't think i was paying much attention to him..I mean he was younger than me..but some how he ended up next to me on the couch or maybe stand in  in front of me...but his hand was in my shirt...  was surprised..scared.but more than anything I was scared of being caught..I think we both listened for his mom..My mom wasn't there she always dropped me and nia off..she never stayed...this went on for an hour or so i guess..he would come back and forth..touching me..when he heard his mom he would stop and move away...I didn't ask him to stop..I don't know why...the second time it happened  .I guess I expected it for what it was..it happened  back and forth the entire time I,was there but also included more.than just touching my chest..he moved to trying to kiss me and touching me between my legs...again I didn't touch him...the third and last time it happened his mom actually left the house...as soon as she left he came to me and the same stuff happened...  didn't know an older cousin was in the house..she caught us..she came yelling and cursing and grabbed him off of me..she said something to me but I don't know what..I thin  all I thought was that mommy was going to kill me..his mother  came home..an she of course was told what had been going on..she didn't ask me anything...he got a beating and she didn't speak to me at all...she called mommy and spent a long time on the phone..mommy came and didn't speak to me either..when we left and mommy got me in the car she started to hit me but stopped..she didn't hit me again for almost three days maybe..during that time..she threatened me.. she promised what,she would do to me for what I do done..told me I,was  awful disgusting,that,she couldn't stand to be around me..all,day over and over..until I was afraid of being in the house..I was afraid to be near her..at first I tried to defend myself..to say I hadn't started it..but I didn't know how to explain it wasn't  me..And who would believe the younger kid was behind it..all of them blamed me..And so I blamed me..I didn't stop it..I didn't say it was happened...they,wouldn't have believed me I  the beginning and they,certainly didn't believe me afterwards..why go through it twice...I was older...so I should have known better...it was the same with the other cousin....we were really close I age but I graduated first..so I'm older..I should have  made her stop and I didn't..I contravene remember...but I,didn't stop her...I knew to follow who ever gave out the rules...follow whoever was strongest...even if it meant being hurt..And I knew to keep it quiet because telling made it worse...that's what I learned growing up where all my needs were met and I was provided for.

Lockdown

Need to lock it all down.. my head..my thoughts...the urges.. i can feel them wanting to take over and that can't happen...not now...so it needs to all locked down..nothing in..nothing out ..I need it to be quiet.. I need to be able to be calm and OK and practical and reliable...I can't deal with my stuff and all that Sarah needs from me at the same time... so back burner for now...its OK. I'll be OK. Silence is my friend..right now I need to keep both Sarah and eddy safe...and fight the urges to cut... some how...Sarah tells me I'm reaching out and really fidgetty in my sleep...I don't know what's going on with my head right now...I need to ignore myself...focus on the outside....

When will i stop forgetting

Actually right now im feeling betrayal from all corners.. The thing at home that I wasn't included in..but talking to Nia today let me know how big it was and how many people can..but I was here. Guilty and ignored..the work issues popping up..and not being sure how to handle them...wilderwood lying to me is a betrayal but I'm going because I promised Sarah I would  ... I don't know if its just the month or so much going on ..so much stress and worrying about so many different thins..now car issues...and paying back Nia and rob has to start. Tramaine has been messaging me again .. Mommy is doing her usual.. Not out right asking for money but I know she needs some to thanks to Wayne being a dang jackass..my ability to curse is increasing at an alarming rate...I'm becoming depressed..more depressed than usual..more tearful...more unable to cope..and I don't know what I'm doing. . I forget what I'm doing..I try and fail so easily..I feel stupid and guilty so often lately...like I'm not doing enough..I'm not trying enough.  My thoughts are sinking.. The fact that it's September just makes me want to hide even more...September does not mean happy...there is no happy in this month and I keep forgetting that. Bad bad bad me

Betrayal

Not sure how to handle this...I work at a group home for adults..one of the residents self harms actively... She figured out I have self harmed..she asked about visible scars and I didn't deny it. A few times she has used this against me with the people in charge...but seee. The guy who owns the company knew before he hired me..because he asked when he interviewed me. But that is none of her business. So I explained that as needed to the program director when she asked me about it. No I didn't lose me job..now I'm being told this dang resident is telling other staff that I used to be a cutter..and that makes me really upset and hurt...its not her place to say any damn thing about me to anyone and she keeps doing it..I don't know what to do about it. And I'm so pissed off.any way I look at handling it leads to me getting fired...but this is just wrong. I don't know why she is doing this..I have worked off and on at this place for a year..why now? Why tell now?? Because I don't fall for her bs any more? I don't know... I can't seem to let this go...I can't help thinking that all the staff now think I'm awful and just like her..or now wonder why I know so much..or why I even work there... I feel like I'm being talked about..and I've done nothing...I don't feel anyone will come to me and ask...and so it will just be gossiping.. And I really hate that. I can't handle that or those thoughts

I am angry. Wilderwood did not tell the truth about this trip..of meeting half way and I'm just angry about things right now... And overwhelmed... And scared..

Im sinking

Something is really off..and has been off for a few days...it would come and go but now I think it is sticking around..I have literally spent all day in my room..not doing anything..not really talking to anyone.. Not really eating..just laying down..just being here because I have no where else that I want to go..tears and sadness are close today and I am over whelmed and stressed..scared..thinking about now and the past and the future..I'm worried about Sarah and trying not to show it..I've been isolating and not feeling good..work..home..the hospital..talking to Sarah on the phone more than going to the hospital.. Hiding at home..self medicating..low energy..no interest.. Some suicidal thoughts no ideations. No plans..just little thoughts creeping through..I'm trying to keep the bulk of how I'm feeling and thinking to myself...I want to be left alone..my head hurts a lot right now..I'm trying to figure so much stuff out..I'm feeling left out..mommy told me about this party thing happening at home this weekend..I'm not invited..Nia and Henry and everyone will be going home .!but my actions fro. So long ago makes me an outcast..dark family secrets..I'm never truly invited to things.. But it hurts all the same..and the guilt and blame just becomes even more set in stone..it was my fault it happened and everyone who knows about it obviously agrees... So I stay away..I'm not welcome at these things..and I guess that is what is the driving force behind all of this..since writing that has caused me to start crying..and the need to be alone and hide and blame myself has increased..maybe I'll just go back to laying down in the dark and staring at nothing...this is one of those unknown nights?..I need to stay put..because getting allows me access to different things..I don't know. My thinking is off right now.

sad

I want to write but words escape me..sadness nd loneliness are eating at me. I'm so scared and worried and trying so hard to hide it. Sarah needs me to be strong. I have to be strong and calm. No crying. No cutting. I have to remind myself of these things daily..if I stop for to long or think to much I'll cry..I'm going tomorrow to see her..after I see Anita..I'm scared..I'm not strong..I'm so so sad

School

My memories of school are sketchy at best...I did enough work to pass..but I wasn't really engaged I guess...we moved when I was in elementary school.. Maybe middle of ,3rd grade or so..I was new and scared..mostly the other kids just wanted to hear me say different things because of my accent..I didn't make friends...I didn't really talk much.fear maybe..I was afraid to be noticed.. Lunch times where hard.in elementary school I know I had to stay in the cafeteria. I sat alone and rarely spoke to anyone. In middle and high school my gears jhad increased..there was more paranoia..I felt like I was being watched.I didn't have friends ..I rarely eat in the cafeteria.. I hid in the bathroom aalot to eat lunch and stuff because I was scared..sometimes I went to the library..but more often then not I was alone. I was bullyed ..because I was fat, because I was quiet..I don't know why.? I just didn't fit in..there was no place for me and I didn't know now to make a place for myself..

Sleep is taking over...bye

Touch

As much as I may try to fight it..I am drawn to touch ...I need it...I need it alot and that makes me so uncomfortable.. And I feel needy and clingy..I try to be OK by myself but alone I get trapped in my thoughts..and I end up not OK..but I want Sarah to touch me.?yesterday I was drowning in loneliness and today I feel content.. I spent a few hours at Sarah's and just laid down with her..we watch a movie but contact was kept between us..and as soon as I laid down and snuggled into her I calmed...immediately calm and quiet...I don't know how it happens but it does...it makes me want to be with her all the time..and never leave her...because I'm OK with her..I'm more than OK with her...it is difficult to produce these same feelings on my own.. I just want her..and only her..I can feel some jealous feelings popping up ...but trying to deal with them...

Just thinking

My thoughts aren't racing but I have a lot on my mind...I am tired..like my body..my bones..my brain.. I'm just so tired..I know I'm taking to many pain pills..I'm up to about 3 a day... My supply is lessening...I'm not taking them to get high or anything.. Half the time it's just to help me sleep..other times it is for back issues...but I have weird little water blisters popping up on my arm..and I don't know what's causing them...they don't hurt or itch or anything and a little scratch pops them open. It's just weird..I will have to make a list for the doc..blah I have a few things going on that I need to talk to her about...I am becoming more aware of my body and that scares me. I know it shouldn't but it does..I'm beginning to realize the pain I have inflicted on my body..the self harm..the b/p..not eating right..not moving enough...like I take care of my body like 15%...crap I can't even take a shower on a reg basis...and the more aware I become the more I'm getting antsy to make changes..give up sodas..eat better..join the y...take my meds right...the way I care about Sarah's health is what Anita wishes I would do for myself.

Work is hard right now...i m reacting alot ..I need to keep my head down and do my hours and go home...I have to get better at controlling the things I can control and stop trying to control the world..

My forgetfulness is increasing ..my anger is increasing..Anita said lack of sleep and maybe that is true..but I know myself..it increases when I'm stressed but right now I'm not 100% sure of what I'm stressed about..maybe some jealous pertaining to Sarah..and worry about her too.. Nervous about my birthday ? I m not sure..and I hate not knowing what's going on with myself.. I really do..

Today

Today has been a real struggle...I was so happy when Sarah told me she would get to come home today..my day was off to a good start...but work stuff happened and I slowly became angry and frustrated. I'm tired of the secrets..I'm tired of watching my words when I have so much to say...I wish I could feel as if I was truly free..I can't be myself..I can't celebrate my life with my family and it just makes me sad..I feel like such a loser and a liar..yes I have my other account.. But I just wish I could be myself and stop hiding so much.these days the secrets weigh heavily on me..the emotional backlash from remembering is happening..I have trouble containing the anger.the sadness. The fear..it all just makes me so tired.and I end up feeling like giving up.. Because it's to hard.. But I can't quit. I just can't..I have Sarah now.. I want to be with her and means being alive kind of...I don't know. I'm kinda rambling right now..I'm trying to cope. Pills are bad right now.. But I'm coloring and listening to music and reading...my last self harm was 8\18\15... Not serious a few scratches.. But I have to keep reaching out before things happen..that's the key..I'm jumping around between a lot of stuff.I think I'll go lay down since its after midnight..and I'm still up..get to see Sarah tomorrow before work..cuddle time before work...maybe just a little time to relax..and regroup before work..OK bed. Yeah

selfish thoughts..racing thoughts

Right now I am really feeling badly..like almost into the hopeless, nothing matters stage..when nothing makes me laugh or smile...when I feel so broken and can't stop crying...I argue the need to reach out and then can't manage to keep any type of conversation going..I'm blaming myself, feeling guilty, useless, afraid,.scared and alone...the need for impulsivity is high..very high...thoughts of how to hurt overwhelm my brain..And the. I shut down...I've thought through numerous scenarios..planned out the least obvious..even set it up to happen and I couldn't do it..so I can add failure to the list to. There is no relief when Sarah is in the hospital ..No amount of trying can get the tears to stop..I was with her today at the hospital and I was kind of ok..trying not to cry once we found out that she would be admitted...they have taken her away again and I am alone..I talk to her on the phone and I cry
.I'm so pathetic..And I hate myself for being so weak...I've talks  to his and mommy..I pushed what I was feeling way way down..No tears..Just explaining..showing how strong I can be..talked to someone from work..I was happy and talkative on the phone..all lies..all just so no one will know how broken I am feeling..I just want to be alone and I am alone...I told Sarah I would be hiding out in her apartment..And now I'm scared..her apartment feels darker without her..I want her here..I want hugs and kisses and to be able to see that she is ok...instead I can't deal and hide away from everyone...I wait for Sarah to call and try not to cry on the phone and beg her to come back..I don't mean to be so selfish..I don't know what to do with myself..I've cried so much I have a headache..I've been sitting silence for hours..I did read a bit..but that's about all...I overage and didn't throw up so now I'm feeling a bit sick..stupid choices I make..How do I ever pass for an adult? Right now I feel like a very sad and lonely little girl..I don't feel safe. I am afraid..but i have to keep being strong...so I cry quietly in the dark while writing...do I nee  to take more pills?? Why can't I sleep? I need to stop thinking...o want to stop feeling...I am not myself without her...

Yeah..selfish is all I am

fears

I'm afraid to sleep...I'm afraid if I sleep I won't hear if Sarah needs me....I feel like crying because I really am at a loss for what to do..she is hurting and in pain and sick..And all.comes can do is wait for the doctors to figure out what's going on...she's been sick twice tonight and all I could do was help her  get cleaned up tell her it's ok..I have to keep watch..o have to help but I don't know how..I know she is feeling bad about getting sick..And I'll keep reassuring her that things will get better..I'll need to,keep my hormones in check..And stay calm...for her...

The sadly funny thing is that I decided not to be in bed with her because her legs are bothering her...if I had been in the be  with her I'm not sure my gag reflex would have held out...there were a couple iffy mime talk an  I had to take a step back and breathe before I hurled too..things are quiet now and I'm hoping Sarah is sleeping...she really is tired...Maybe I'll quietly watch Netflix or something...I just keep thinking I need to be up...

so many thoughts

My brain is overloaded ...I'm so excited to see Anita tomorrow...And I'm even more excited to know I'll get to.stay with Sarah until Friday morning..a much needed break..And much needed together time...gripes I'm sleepy..Ok lay down and then write..yeah

progress...acceptance

 you know..i came to my sisters house determined to relax and have a good time and all of that..i knew we would be going to the pool at least twice ..and i love going to the pool...i havent been in years really...i stopped going pretty much when the scars started accumulating ... i couldnt show them to anyone..i couldnt let anyone see them..or even know they were there...half of the time i pretended that they werent there...i can still look right at them and not acknowledge them at all..i dont see them...i convinced myself that they werent there...in reality yes i could see them..but at the time i wasnt truly seeing them...for years i wasnt truly seeing them...i would go back to and forth to therapy and talk about it a little or not talk about it..but now things are beginning to reach a point of being different...of seeing myself differently..something is changing and i cant really put my finger on it..but lately ive been wearing tshirts that dont really completely hide my scars...i came to nias house and put on a bathing suit and went to the pool..and got in...i cant hide the scars on my legs..but i tried to still keep my arms covered up..but i was in the pool...i had to work really hard to just focus on being there with nia and noa and curvon and not that people were looking at me ..or judging me...i had moments of just really wanting to hide out and got nervous from so many people being aorund me..and not being able to just say ok ive had enough its time to go...i wanted the kids to have a good time ..and heck we paid to get in..i wanted to have a good time too..but so often fear sends me running in the oppisite direction...i wont do a lot of things because of the scars...and the fear of them being seen and wondering what people will think...but i know they scars arent going away..they arent..they wont grow any smaller..they wont fade out..they are there permanently..and i guess i took responsibility for the cutting but ive never accepted it...sometimes im able to see it as a behavior...sometimes not...its still touch and go..but this time i was determined to have fun..and it took a lot but i did go to the pool and the museum and all sorts of stuff...i wore a skirt..and tshirts ..and i know at times my scars showed..i know they definitely showed at the pool...i still pull at my shirts trying to hide them when im out..but that is more of just a nervous habit ...but its to freaking out for long sleeves..no i dont think i will ever get to the point of wearing tank tops except when im by myself or with sarah...but maybe ill get around to wearing shorts again...or going to the pool more often...even holding noa in the bottom picture scared me when i realized that she is pulling at my shirt...my scars are showing..and i was going to take the picture down..but then i changed my mind..and left it up...i like the picture..i dont want to be ashamed of it..and take it down and hide it away..so i did put it on facebook..on my main page ... yeah im hoping no one makes comments about it..im not so sure i can handle that...buti cant  control what other ppl do can it?  sigh...i wish i could but i cant...so maybe the small rebellion has begun...slowly the scars controlling me will let up and ill be able to breathe...

my niece in her innocence has showed the world my scars...i wont hide away from it...i cant...she will get older and ask me what happened...i still want to be able to tell her the truth..that i struggled but i got help and got better...

worried

I,am,scared and worried about Sarah...And now I'm far away and can't get t  her and all I can.,do is be reassuring and be there for he  over the phone.. I'm afraid she is going to have to go back to the hospital and that scares me..I'm already trying to shut myself down and do stupid things out of fear..I want her ok and better and her not feeling good makes me cry...I  glad it's.the.silent tears right now
..I'm aat nias..which will keep me safe but I want to be with Sarah..i have to keep it together..I have to stay in control...I have to. Stop crying..I will be talking to Sarah in about three hours and will check on her..today is doubly sad because Emerson is going t  his new home today :(  Maybe I need to lay down for a bit...I have been up since 6 worrying...I'm just scared...I want her to feel better..she is the strong one..I'm not..without her I keep falling apart....No more leaving her...I don't think I can handle it...

This one speaks to me

I'm lost without her :( :( :(

Sad thoughts. jealous thoughts

I'm just feeling off.sad. lonely..afraid..Sarah is still in the hospital.. She is still sick..they keep changing when she can go home..its Wed and she is still there ..I miss her and I do go to the hospital.. As much as my anxiety allows..so like every other day..I feel so disappointed that I can't manage the hospital.. She is stuck in there and I can't even get myself to visit her everyday..we talk on the phone a lot..but I miss seeing her...and I'm feeling jealous of the around the clock care...I'm so screwed up...-sigh-

And I have a friend who just made her two year milestone of being si free..I'm super proud of her..and sad for myself..thanks to recent behaviors I'm on day three..my count keeps getting started over...that's what I get for being impulsive...I'm ashamed to say that the hurt from the scratches was a welcome feeling.I liked it..I needed it..I wanted it..I don't know..I'm just feeling so stressed out and worried and I'm just doing a lot of stuff to kind of ignore it all and not have to deal with it..I'm making poor choices.. But right now I don't see any other way to deal...my supports aren't there and I fall apart without them :(  my lack of being able to deal on my own is appalling.. I'm not thinking.. Lately I'm to drugged and out of it to really think clearly...

Things are a struggle

I'm struggling a lot right now...just making some not so good choices and going back to hurting myself in a lot of ways..I'm scared with Sarah in the hospital.. I'm frustrated that I can't handle being in the hospital with her..I can't keep control of the anxiety..I panic..I can't sit still..I'm worried...work is draining me..I'm not complaining I need the money..but I'm so tired and feeling on edge..the expectations are even higher.. There is not enough staff.. I've done doubles for the past two weekends..I'm working full time and I'm only prn staff..I'm being asked if I would consider the house manager position..I'm upset that I can't see Anita. I am feeling so overwhelmed without her..I need someone to talk to..there is so much in my head..I'm trying..well I was trying harder but Sarah ended up in the hospital and I lost it...instantly got overwhelmed and started scratching my arm..nothing deep but it hurt..and I keep taking the percocets I have...its numbing me out a bit..but I know I'm not working today and so im staying a bit out of it...I'm tired..but can't sleep..I didn't sleep well last night...I think when I'm not sleeping well things get worse.. And working overnight has messed with my sleep schedule... And I need to get my meds filled..and going out of town maybe..but Sarah is not feeling well.. And I'm afraid to leave her..maybe I'll go and lay back down for a bit..

a mess

Currently a crying slightly drugged mess..can barely keep my eyes open and fighting the urge for more pills. Scratching at my arms...it burns but if you don't know what to look for.you won't see them. No razors. I want razors. The fears overwhelm me..I'm cracking..
I just want t  sleep and not think or feel anything. Stressed and anxious and overwhelmed..And scared cas Sarah in hospital and I don't do good in hospitals and I try but get so anxious.. and scared something back  is going to happen. It's hard for me to be there but I don't want to leave her by herself..And I'm trying not to shut her  out. But want her to feel better and not worry about me..I'm ok .  I'll be ok  . I just need to sleep. Yeah

Important

I wish I could copy what Sarah wrote to me yesterday when I was feeling so lost and empty...it meant a lot seeing it..hearing it..

I feel like I'm remembering to much..to quickly..the urge to hurt is very strong..overmedicating a lot..i just want to sleep..and not think...I'm writing.. I am

wanting comfort

I'm feeling on edge and a little unsafe..today was a sad  day because today is the day my sister died so long ago..sad..And no idea how to grieve..Just felt off..I ended up being with Sarah today..she had surgery yesterday and is doing pretty good but still in pain..And so I stayed with her last night and today...I forgot the date though..until I woke up and was online..And then I didn't want to be by myself..And I spent a lot of time laying down with Sarah..she is stuck in bed..And. i do like laying with her..mostly slept but we did talk about somethings to and working on plans for things...we now have a plan b and a time frame...I think I've been needing a lot of comfort and haven't been getting it..I'm not asking for it and I don't know..I just get scared asking... but I've gotten more Percocet...a fair amount...I'm not cutting..that the important thing isn't it?? I'm just overmedicating..a little..I don't know..

Impulsive

I'm afraid that my impulsiveness is heading downwards... I got upset twice today and both times my thoughts turned to cutting..serious cutting...along with crying ..feeling guilty and stupid..and canceling my trip to see my sister..which I have uncancelled now..but earlier I wasn't thinking about anything except how things still just aren't working out and that mommy got to me once again..and the pressure was to much...I need razors...my thinking is becoming circular and I need to be able to stop it..I think I stopped functioning for maybe an hour or so this afternoon because of the conversation with mommy... The reaction was immediate and the response and thoughts got bad fast...thankfully I was at Sarah's house and alone...I'm pretty sure she kept an eye on me until I started coming around...I wanted to go for her shavers...I really did...but the thoughts are becoming overwhelming.. The pressure to do more..to do better is being pushed at me and I can't deal...yes I need my blades back..?just for a little while...

It snuck up on me..my sisters anniversary

I blame myself for not being able to save you..I try to remember you and I can't. All I have is a couple pictures. It is as if you never existed and I am sorry for that. I will keep your pictures with me. I don't remember but I know you were there..and now you are not..29 years without you... I believe in heaven for you. That you are happy and loved. I miss you. I love you. I will remember you.

http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=114442301

piece 2

Even though it has been a few days since T I am still very embarrassed to be writing this. I am in a long term relationship, engaged in fact, and so with t the topic of intimate stuff comes up from time to time...and each time we shut it down..become immature..giggle or swear its gross..and that all things related to the subject is gross..we have a few hangups in that area to put it nicely..and the partner is patient and has talked with me/us repeatedly about things and the struggles we have with it...how is it possibly to grow up and have no connection to your own body?? I think that is what one of the issues is...this body has been destroyed...it has done nothing good for me..and im supposed to take care of it? like it ? accept it? I don't even want it ? maybe that is where the disconnect is at...this is supposed to be my body..the only one I get ...and I feel nothing for it..no care or love or concern..maybe that is why self care is such a struggle..why I cant read my own body signals correctly...when im sick im sick..when its something serious ..I blame it on being sick..or stress.. take some over the counter meds and call it a day..this body has been cut, burned, used, broken..and what others couldn't do I tried my best to finish...so no there is no connection there.. (and piece 2 falls into place)

well I emailed t some writing ...which was about past things..she read it and came to the session more prepared than I was...I was thinking she was going to turn into a monster and eat me..she on the other hand had like educational stuff for me...go figure... so anyway as the session goes on she shows me the book she has..and its called you and your body or you and caring for you..something along those lines..pretty much a book for preteen girls going through puberty and things..teaching about the changes to expect and things that happen to your body as you grow.etc... I of course looked at it in horror and wanted nothing to do with it..but some inside wanted to see the book and look at it..t talked to me about it for a little bit and asked me to read a small section and then we talked about it... I really wish I could remember what I read...but the fear and nervousness came ..the sadness and embarrassment over the fact that I am having to learn this stuff as an adult because I didn't learn it as a kid and it just makes me feel so stupid...I should be able to talk about intimate stuff with my partner without becoming unable to cope and I cant...I cant label body parts correctly or even say certain words out loud for fear of something happening..something bad happening...we have agreed to work through the book with t because I know that its not me per say who was pulled into the book and wanted to know about it....the fear is theirs..the embarrassment is mine.. :( we are literally having to start at the basics ..body 101...this is your body and what happens...and why and it is hard...I just want to scream that im not a child and I don't need this...but it is the kids that are causing the blocks...the refusals to speak..the struggles to have an adult relationship...its because of the unresolved stuff...which means addressing it right?? but I would rather the floor opened up and swallowed me alive before having any of these conversations..

the session ended up causing flashbacks because in talking things from the past were of course brought up...and it took all day to kind of reach the breaking point but it did..and the fear and paranoia of mommy finding out that we are talking ..or learning this..or even acknowledging this was brought back to the forefront..the issues of speaking to much and that means punishment came up...the thoughts of needing to go forward or to hide and stay in a comfortable zone all came up...it took a long time calming things down..and it was done safely..there has been no punishment..but the head took a massive beating you know..all the energy to maintain and not crack when things are going all over the place..

I guess the reactions to the session lets me know that this is important...that this is something that really needs to be worked on...but im struggling to get past all the feelings .. upset, fear, sad, angry, embarrassed..dejected..did I mention embarrassed? -sigh-

and all of this is started before we wont be able to see t for 3 weeks.. anxiety is up..well writing this has increased my anxiety..

I think this makes sense..i think there are questions in there somewhere..im not sure..

guess I'll give myself a pep talk

I feel like life is playing with me...like this is all some big cosmic joke and I'm in the middle of it..so much going on and I'm not sure what else I can handle..I'm tired..of all of it.. everything...
But reality sets in once again and I know that I can't give up..this mess goin  on with tramaine won't break me.I'm doing what I can...I'm doing the best I can to survive and stay stable..I'm not going to keep going back and forth with her..I've asked her to stop calling mommy and she has refused..so now it will be time to make decisions..I can't make money appear out of nothing...I have to keep living and move past this and keep trying and yes pay off all of this debt before it kills me...but right now..it's one thing at a time.working in therapy and looking for a job..And working enough hours that I can start to pay Rob back again...so much has happened..I became jobless and homeless all at the same time...there was nothing to fall back on... but I have Sarah and Anita ..check mommy in small doses , nia and avante...I'm not alone.   I need to reach  out more but I'm not alone...And what has happened can't be changed...what will  happen from here on out is still developing...And somehow someway things are going to get better...I will work on accepting where things are now and the steps I need to get them moving in the right direction...
One step at a time..as long as I don't stop moving...

Drained

I'm feeling really down, tired, out of it and sick..yesterday just became incredibly triggering because I couldn't get my thinking to calm down or slow down..I just kept going over and over what we talked about in therapy..and it got worse and worse..until I started to panic and cry and generally have a melt down that hasn't happened for a few months..not like yesterday.. I rote a lot yesterday and only took the meds has a last resort. I talked to Amanda and she helped me get myself grounded..I described all of my stuffed animals to her in detail until I was able to get a handle on the panic and fear...I stumbled upon one major issue with things yesterday though..which is what set off the panic and fear in the first place..something I hadn't thought of in a long time..but the fear of being in trouble of mommy finding out that I'm talking that she will some how get me and hurt me..became so overwhelming that I completely lost it...I've broken the old rules.which brings up thoughts of punishment for talking.. For saying to much..for not being quiet..

Today I'm just tired..feeling exposed and very vulnerable.. I want to hide..try to erase yesterday from existence . my mind is tired.my body is tired..I'm not sure I'm strong enough to win this battle

being taught the basics

I'm struggling to stay present ..since leaving  Anita..My thoughts are scattered and I can  get them together..I'm feeling to many things and tryin  to shut down..Im  tired but feeling so sick..I just  want to lay down and not think for a little while..bit my head won't turn off...I'm remembering old things..old hurts and feelings and current feelings and its all mixed up...

Courtney did print out what I sent her and both of them read it...And Anita started to address it today..And I ended up talking about past stuff and how things were and things..but also she added in this stuff about girls growing up and body stuff an  things...it upsets me that I have to be taught this..it really does..I know it is geared towards helping the younger stuck parts of me..but I'm struggling to get past the fact that I am 31 and am having to go back and learn all the stuff I missed and don't know..not really anyway.. i feel.stupid..because I should know no  it's all mixed up and wrong and well gets in the way of things..it's like having to start at  the beginning..And I feel like I'm to old to be starting with all of this...knowing that all of it is going to be leading  up to the big issues around sex and stuff...she said she would take it slow not rush..but I'm  still so afraid...afraid to talk about any of it or admit anything..admit not knowing...I feel off..sad..dejected.. and once again like a failure...

so very angry

Again tramaine is up  to her tricks again..calling  mommy..gettin  her sister  to call mommy...what the fuck..the lease is up..I'm not going back to the apartment..I'll call them tomorrow...And give them an address..I owe her nothing..I owe the rental company..not her..so she can try to take me to court but for what I don't know...I made plans...I had back up plans..but again it is my fault her plans aren't work in  out..no ...I refuse to take on any more of her damn blame and accusations...I have done nothing to her..but I seem to be at the center of ruining her life..me?? I can barely live my own life..much less single handedly ruin someone else's...an hour long talk with mommy and I'm filled in on all of this...fuck everything to do with meeting her and agreeing  to live with her...biggest mistake ever...but it won't happen again...never again

touch ..safety

Tonight before  I left Sarah she mentioned that she was  happy that I had a safe place to go..And it stopped me for a second because it's true..I am safe here..I'm not afraid..I have my,space but I'm not completely alone..I'm beginning to feel comfortable here..an  with that comes the fear that somethin  Will happen...that I'll have to leave..that I won't be wanted..And that is where my thinking gets messed up..it goes back to ..if I'm good enough..nice enough? Am I helping out enough? Is there something more I should be doing or need  to do? I have to remember that I'm not a child..that I can do things because I want to help and not because I'm trying to convince them to let me stay...the fear is there..And the one  I acknowledge that this part of stress is lessening the more worried I feel..

Sarah Birthday 2015

have you ever woken up feeling broken..confused..unsure of everything..and so very tired...i slept all night and as soon as i wake up im already tired..i dont want to deal with the day..i dont want to have to struggle to get through the day..and right now things are just back and forth..im ok and then im not ok ..im sad and then im not sad...well not even sad really ...depressed..i worry..i am worrying..i cant stop worrying...looking for a job is beginning to make me panic..and i understand that i have to look differently and find a job outside of the mental health field ..which could be a really good thing..since im still trying to work on my own stuff..but being outside of the field makes me feel so useless..what else can i do ?? what am i able to do...there is the chance of working with sarah but thats mostly weekends...and that process will take a couple months...but looking for something full time is just making me feel stupid ..and the thoughts of how much ive screwed things up ..and it is all becoming overwhelming ..and i dont want to do it ...but i have to.

....

i want to write
but im tired..sad..feeling defeated about life..things..i dont know...hopefully this mood will pass..

maybe the chat in therapy has caught up with me...  i dont know

New home....

I have made it over to avantes house...My first full day here..My first night here..My anxiety is up ..but I'll have to make do...there is no other option..so three kids and all..Im  here...it's loud...gosh it's so loud here...I think my meds are kicking in fast tonight...I'm ready to pass out..I'll write more tomorrow.

pressure

this is completely different from what i wanted to write ..but i am feeling so much pressure right now to figure things out and im afraid that im just going to screw things up or mess things up some how...
i need to fidure out what i am going to do come monday..i need to figure out what im going to do about going back to the apartment before the 11th..i need to figure out  getting my stuff moved and fitting my bed into the bedroom i have...there is a lot to figure out and right now i have plans i guess but nothing majorly concrete...and i need concrete..i need to know what im going to be sleeping at ... and so the worrying doesnt really go away..and i want to just take pills all day long to numb out so that i dont have to think about anything...what in the world am i going to do...and its not a time to go crying to anyone i guess...i did that ..and now im supposed to move on..and get planning and do something..anything..and really i just want to sit and cry because im tired of thinking and planning...im tired of wondering what im going to do and what i have to do..im tired of thinking up a way to make things ok and plausible and just i dont know...since i didnt get all the money from kathy ..a hotel is a no go...not even for a couple days..i need gas in my car and after giving avante the money ill have maybe 90 dollars or so...so that means sleeping on the couch at her place or sleeping in my car or well sleeping on the floor...all things ive done before..but what is going to get me through the next week..will i need food..what will i need to get done..job hunting and so much...just a lot to do and i am feeling the pressure...add in an inability to get a release of any sort and im just a ticking time bomb..waiting to explode..how much more will get piled on before i end up exploding ..on in my case imploding ... already the thoughts of getting razors plague my head and im not really sleeping all that great...even with the meds...its time for my sort so i am feeling really off and what not...pretty sure my hormones are wrecking havoc on something ..im picking at my hands and feet..im picking at my arms and face and legs...i am having trouble remembering if i am taking my meds...and im afraid to retake them because then ill accidentally take too many ..but which doctor would look at me and then look at my body and say i wasnt trying to kill myself...*sigh* im not suicidal...im just really really down ...depressed..tired ...im pretty sure im hiding out at sarahs ..but i have one more day ..and then ill be forced back into the world and im not really sure i want to be a part of it...i just want to be left alone...but i guess that means im just feeling sorry for myself or i like being depressed or something...everything is just to much right now...ill take enough meds to force myself to go to sleep ...  maybe i wont have bad dreams tonight..

antsy..

unsettled...thats what it is .... im feeling unsettled right now and there really isnt anything i can do about it...im living out of a bag ...and staying with sarah until monday..and then im going to figure out things over at avantes place ..but i wont be getting my stuff until that weekend...and so yes im feeling unsettled and anxious about things..worry plagues me and all i can think about is how im going to manage..i have to find a job ..but im so displaced right now that i dont want to do anything of the sort...given this is a holiday and a weekend anyway ...so i have a few days...i found a couple places to apply to ..but this is going to be really hard..and i want to give up before i even start..

whats down memory lane

lets take a walk down memory lane
only its dark
there are no pretty pictures
there is a lot of empty space
abandoned and neglected areas
where it feels as if the darkness
will reach out and grab you
but you walk it anyway
all alone
looking for answers
but nothing is there
silence surrounds you
and you cant speak a word
even here there are rules..unwritten
that cover everything
the road is endless
but you reach a certain point
And it is here
where your daily life plays
in bits and pieces
Blank stares and unremembered faces
This is where you are now
you walked through your past
and found nothing
you can walk no further
your future has not been lived yet
you stand
stuck
wondering
is it safer to go back ?
should i stay where i am ?
am i supposed to move forward?
looking down i study the road
looking for answers
or maybe a way out
instead i see my pile of tools
bottles of pills, razors, scales
coloring books, cartoons, music
mixed up together 
i feel it looking at me
daring me to make a choice
waiting for me to fail
Ghosts of broken promises
And failed attempts surround me
You can't move forward until
A choice is made

hands off

since this is my most bothersome thought currently i guess ill write about it and see if i can get it to make sense what so ever ...

i know what i want to write..a simple three letter word..so easy...but typing it..thinking it..saying it..fills me with nervousness..dread..fear..im not entirely sure..it just feels wrong in a lot of ways..i shouldn't write it..i shouldn't acknowledge it at all...but if im going to write this then i have to do something with it...so its going to be referred to as fun time for now..when im with sarah i ask for play time.sometimes Sarah makes me ask very specifically for what i want and where..which is scary and embarrassing and i fight her on it..well i refuse to give in pretty much all the time..until the outcome changes and i give in..otherwise i wont say them...i wont flat out ask for what it is..and good grief this is hard...i wont label things correctly..obviously i know the correct names of things..i know the more interesting names for things..information that is just filed away i guess...never to be used...its just there..i tell nia to teach noa the correct names for body parts because other wise she will go to school calling them all sorts of things..

i dont really remember when things got really hard with all of this..i have no idea ...i was pretty much hands off with everyone i could manage when i was younger i think...if i didnt have to touch you and you didnt have to touch me then the better it was...mommy being the exception to that rule i guess..i grew up being afraid that everyone would end up hurting me..hitting me if they touched me ..and so i avoided it..and people..so i guess isolating started really early..i cant put ages to any of this..the fear started early..the need to be good and quiet and seeking approval all started early..

sometime after the move to nc ..i was 7 8 9 one of them...i ended up getting hurt by a cousin..with mommy in the house...the whole memory is gone..it only gets to a certain point and then im not sure..it was with a cousin who i am almost sure is either the same age as me or maybe a little bit older..maybe a little bit younger..but by then my ability to say stop or no or anything of the sort was already dead and gone..and i dont remember telling or asking her to stop...i remember being in her room..and wanting to play with her toys..but she wanted to play house..she had a dollhouse..a really big one..one minute im playing with the dollhouse and then im not..im being held down with my mouth covered..and her hands being under my clothes..and then it just kind of goes away..and i dont remember exactly what happens..i think i may have acted out a little bit after that but it didnt last long..and instead of the acting out turned inward..never mentioned what happened of course..but i think i was more careful with not being touched after that .

mommy didnt give hugs and i knew not to go to her for one..i worked hard to convince myself that i didnt need comfort or love or anything...i was doing different things to hurt myself back then but it hadnt progressed to cutting...everything i was being told i was just taking it in and twisting it around until it become mine..and i just made it worse..because i knew what my weaknesses were and i knew how to exploit them myself...i became worse on myself than mommy every could be...it was like a game in some weird twisted way..she hurt me..so i hurt me more..and the more i hurt myself or yelled at myself then the more worthless and unloveable i became...i convinced myself that i was fine with being alone...that i didnt have to worry about ever being hurt again because i was already the best at it..and no one could beat me...no one could win against me...i couldnt even win against myself... in school i didnt have friends and i didnt date so it wasnt a concern..i kept to myself..and made sure to keep everyone else away from me..

anyway..i got older..same thought processes...i don't remember if i ever took a sex ed class...i know i had to watch the whole miracle of birth thing in biology or something and still remember thinking that was the grossest thing ever and i didn't want to see it...im sure i learned all the body parts but i really dont think i ever really learned what sex was...not until i was much older..because i didnt understand why mommy kept accusing me of doing things and that she would find out about it after my period stopped for maybe a year and a half..i had no idea what she was implying...i guess i was in maybe middle school..no idea that she kept accusing me of being pregnant..absolutely no idea..but the threats and accusations came every single month..with no explanation..so it was confusion for me..i didnt know what she thought i was doing..i didnt know what she thought was going to happen or show up..i  didnt understand why she called me a whore and a slut..again words that i didnt understand or know the meaning of....i knew somehow they were bad ...and that i didnt like them..that i shouldnt like them..but at the time had no idea what i was being called or why..all centering around the simple fact that my period just decided to stop ... fear that something was wrong with me..that i was doing something wrong and had no idea what it was..worry and stress trying to figure it all out and then being stupid for not being able to..

when i started babysitting mommy drilled into me that i was not to be alone or even talk to the kids father...never ever ever....i became so afraid to even be near him..im still afraid of him and he has done nothing to me...but those fears grew to every male..they are to be feared..because they can hurt you...it was my uncle and my moms guy friend who lied on me and the end result was mommy pulling a knife on me and saying she would kill me...why trust them or anyone else at that point..so i made sure i stayed away from males because they werent safe...i still stay away from males..i refuse to see male doctors or talk to guys i dont know..or be around guys i dont know if i can help it...there is always space between us if i have to work with a male or something ..things have changed slightly due to work and stuff and having to be around males more..but the fear doesnt go away...i have to watch and be on guard..there are rules that cant be broken..dont speak first..dont approach anyone ..dont look at anyone..dont be noticed..dont call attention to yourself..reminding myself that i am ruined ..that there is no hope for me...because the scars no longer fade..

and this is way off ...ill try again another day...