the lights are turned off

im attempting to write before i start crying .... the pressure is suddenly coming from all sides and im feeling overwhelmed and more upset ..and i want to cut..i want to hurt...the longer i sit and think the more i feel a need to find a way to get the feelings out of my body..because i can no longer talk about them..im being told now that i need to move no..go to work..do this..do that..and i cant explain honestly to mommy or nia that my thinking has taken over and is preventing me from doing much more than laying in bed and wishing i would just die and be done with it...i already know what i have to do..i know what im supposed to do..and yes i know what im expected to do...but none of that is what i want to do..i dont know what i want to do..i cant get myself to think far enough in the future to even figure out what i truly want to do...again i know logically what i have to do and what i will do..and at some point the time will come when i will get off my ass and actually do it...but right now i just cant...i want to be left alone..i dont want to talk to anyone....i cant explain just how truly awful and worthless i feel for screwing things up so very much...and how ive messed things up for myself ...i may not have meant to but i have..and now im stuck...and once again im asked to stay quiet about it..dont talk about it ..dont say anything at all about it...but the price of silence is high because the thoughts dont stop if i stop talking about them...and the few people i talk to about them prolly wouldnt even agree to me not talking about them...i dont know...the command has been given...and its as if locks are immediately placed on me..and everything goes back to being fine and ill go back to being fine and no one will see me cry...which also means that it will be a matter of days before i have razors...that is the way it works ...i can be silent...i can say absolutely nothing..i can be nothing..i can be obedient and good and silent and smile and go to work and do what i am expected to do...and all those thoughts..all those feelings that im not supposed to talk about..all the stress and anger and fear and sadness...they will still find a way to seep out...but as long as no one knows...as long as no one sees..who cares what it is that i am doing...i am a functioning adult...that is all that anyone cares about...thats all i have to be...nothing else..im dying inside just to keep up appearances ..because that is the expectation of who i am supposed to be..but dont worry..im fine..ill manage..

I am trapped in silence

Monday my world fell out from under me..And I'm  Just at a major loss for what to do..I'm depressed..I'm almost at that suicidal point..everyday I get a little bit closer...And I don't know how to even stop it...I've been coming. Over to Sarah every evening...but I have all day to get lost in my thoughts and they are a sucky place to be...Anita mentioned yesterday. That it's not really the surface stuff causing the issues..it's the stuff it brings up..the feelings of defeat and worthlessness and being a failure and not good enough..over and over I think about how I've messed up..How this is all my fault...that I tried my,hardest and still got fired..And its only made worse having my supervisor and the people.  I worked  with at the new.job telling me how well I did...How I was such a good case manager..And that I'll be missed...I suck ok..I'm stupid and awful and make incredibly stupid decisions...And dig myself into massive holes that I can't get out of...I'm tired of all of this...I don't know what to do..I know what I have to do..And that is seeing  if I can get my hours back at the group home..No  complaining..No arguing...suck it up and deal with the job I don't want at all...but I have to,survive..I have to be able to live...an  that is what it looks like it will have to be...I have no choice and that upsets me...all of it refuses to let the negative thoughts go away so slow down...all I think about right now is hiding or dying or hurting myself in someway..I hate feeling  like a failure..I hate feeling worthless because I can't keep,a job...I try to be a good person but I'm not...I'm just me and obviously that is something that I truly suck at..My entire life I've been told I'm not good enough...And when mommy slowed down on telling me..I continued it even more...And right now I have failed completely...And deserve to be punished for that..

negative mood....extreme

as the day has gone on..my mood has gone downhill with it...i dont know why..ok i have some clues as to why..but im just ...im feeling stupid and selfish and lonley and lost and sad and just really trying not to cry from feeling so utterly useless and annoying...im currently waiting and praying for sleep before i get up and do something really stupid..just because my thinking is in overdive and my anxiety is up and im ovverthinking and trying to stop my head and not think but its not working and im upset i guess and i dont want to bring it up because its the same old issue..i need so much freaking reassurance and comfort and whatever and its not fair to expect it all the time ...and not getting it shouldnt make me feel so upset... i dont know...im just stupid...and selfish

going home and stuff

Once again I don’t realize that im doing something or that im feeling a certain way until after the fact…I didn’t realize that once again I was tracking things that weren’t happening between sarah and me..until something did happen..and suddenly all the things that didn’t happen came into focus and I realized that I had been feeling a bit unwanted I guess..maybe unimportant is a better word…and I didn’t know I was even feeling that way until yesterday..and we have both been so busy with work and not feeling good and being tired and not seeing each other..and I guess some of the small things kinda stopped happening and I noticed but didn’t notice at the same time…and I yesterday .. I was tired and cranky and tired and sarah ended helping me relax and later on I suddenly started thinking that ..ok I am still wanted..and I didn’t want to be a dork and just thank her for what happened..so instead I told her that I had been feeling not wanted..and sort of why..its hard having those types of conversations …and especially with coming back from being at home and feeling more watched and having to be careful knowing that mommy was watching and so everything did stop..no touching or anything really…no giving anything away..and so it was a completely hands off..your a friend and nothing more type environment and that is really hard to do..since being at home is hard for me and sarah already knows that…and not being able to really get that comfort and physical support…not sex..but physical comfort…and with getting so frustrated and anxious on Friday and not having the money I was expecting and not having all of my meds ..and just feeling unable to relax and or fully calm down…and trying to just be more than I was..and worrying about sarah who ended up not feeling good while at home…and just being at home and feeling so very much like I once again truly do not fit into my family…even more now…everyone is breaking off into their own little families and im not allowed to have mine…and so im just alone surrounded by everyone else..but I don’t fit into anyone elses family either..and so I did feel incredibly left out…yes I got to hold and play with marley..i talked to the boys…I saw noa who doesn’t remember me and wouldn’t come near me…I talked to nia and Courtney and wayne and henry…but now the differences is that nia of course has rob and noa…wayne and Courtney has marley and the boys..and henry of course has so many friends he is never lacking for company or friends…but me..i never had anyone…there was never anything for me at home..growing up all I did was babysit if I wasn’t at home or with mommy..i didn’t have friends and I never went out ..coming back isn’t a time for me to go visit anyone or to catch up with anyone..no one misses me or needs me around..im nothing there..no one..and even in my family I am invisible..a mistake…I have done nothing..i have given nothing…im not social enough to be invited anywhere..and im truly not invited places at all…if mommy or nia didn’t mention me I guess I prolly wouldn’t be remembered at all…but its ok..im used to being forgotten..and maybe that is why being forgotten is one of my biggest fears….because I am forgotten..im already forgotten…there is nothing about me worth remembering…and maybe that is where some of the never ending loneliness comes from…feeling that I don’t ever fit in..that I have never fit in..once again…something has been bothering me and I was not fast enough to catch it…or figure it out..i talked about it a little bit with sarah..but of course there are deeper issues…there are always deeper issues.. and maybe I need to stop writing for now… I can tell this is not going to end well ..my thinking is going in circles and I hate them all…they are all liars..they have all lied to me my entire life and none of them helped and none of them noticed and all of them told me to be grateful..and see..this is why writing is not always a good idea..

cant sleep

another night of missed meds and i cant sleep...im frustrated and overwhelmed and stressed and anxious..and the negative thinking is taking over to the point that silence really is the best option right now...im going over and over in my head of how to make every thing work and the strain is making me just feel like crying...i cant do it...unfortunately a lot is riding on my small check im getting tomorrow and the wiating is driving me crazy...because i dont know how much it will be or if it will actually be on my card and im just freaking out a bit and just scared about going home and i keep reminding myself that im going to see the baby..that im going to see noa and nia and everyone ..everyone sadly enough except mommy ...i dont want to see her...im not good enough to see her..i havent lost enough weight..i havent fixed enough things about myself..im not better..and just so many things..and she will look at me and just hate what she sees and i will know it..i always know it..i need my stupid razors i should have just gotten some yesterday...but yeah  silence  is better right now..i think im going to try to go back to sleep for a bit...its only 3:30am..and ive been up cleaning and what not since 2..im trying to distract myself...but the anxiety and fear is already becoming to much to deal with..and im getting lost in my thoughts

racing thoughts

early morning writing because my head is all over the place..trying to make everything work for today..trying to fit everything in for today...im so looking forward to next weekened ..its crazy..i want to just  get away so bad .... even going home is appealing...i know the anxiety will set in as it usually does..but sarah is going and we may be able to even get a small bit of time to ourselves..i doubt it but she will be there...anita told me that sarah kept smiling at me..every time she looked at me...something i dont notice...i mean im not ignoring her or not paying attention but i dont think i notice things like that if i not like talking to her ot looking right at her...but one hour with anita and she noticed it..go figure..but its ok..i trust anitas opinion..not that i would ever tell her that lol..but anywhoo..back to today..i have to see my client..make it over to the office to pick up my check...hope i go out with my client to walmart so i can cash it and send money to mommy for nia and rob...figure out what bills need to be paid right now...figure out what i can spend on the baby..and then meds and snacks for the trip..cat stuff...work stuff for next week..i need to pack my dinner for today...i want to wash my hair so badly..its gross..but i cant find my brush..and that annoys me....i think im just beginning to stress out about a lot of things...all at once...and i just gotta get through these next two days and ill have a break...ill still be busy per say ..but not so much...and it will be a little bit easier i guess .... i hope ... hmm maybe ill be able to get a pretzel today or something good to eat...my stomach actually feels ok right now...surprise! 

im still losing weight ...i got courtney to let me check yesterday...so that makes it that in about a month and a half ive lost roughly 15 pds....i could probably round that down to more like 4 weeks or so but whatever...i was trying to remember when i saw the doc last and everything..and count..but technically im tracking my weight sorta on sparkpeople . i swear i join and rejoin that site every year..but anyway im just using the trackers on there ...occasionally i track my food and what not and when i do start going to the pool and stuff ill be adding that in...but for now im just kinda doing the weight thing...

things are moving along ... with well everything..there is so much to do and like no time to do it in...like deadlines are looking at me and im just like not sure what to do about them..there are things i need to do that i am putting off in a major way...ugh..i really need to call my school and figure out how to get my transcripts released...but at least i have the correct number to call now...so i guess that is something...

blah

steps towards self care...maybe a little bit ?

yesterday..i had a long conversation about work and the struggles i am having there...last week in therapy i had a conversation about work and the struggles..i constantly and talking to sarah about work and the struggles i am having there...do we see a theme here???? the group home is a trigger right now..and i go to work but right now i am having trouble controlling my self and how i am feeling and just my thoughts and feelings and anger and all of it and i can feel that i am going to end up reacting badly and lose my temper or something over something stupid because i cant get a release on the feelings that i am holding in..i cant figure out how to let them out safely ..and so they keep building up and building up ..and it is not going to end up..and with me being triggered so often and unable to keep my personal stuff separated ...im just constantly walking on eggshells to make it through the shifts...the cops and emts coming so often..the hospital trips and the arguing and games and manipulations are getting to me and my anger just gets harder and harder to control...i go to work and try my hardest to not argue with her..and to remember that i am the professional..but the boundaries dont stay in place..and then problems start happening.. and well yeah... not good things start coming up..and i end up in a not good place at all...which is where i have been at these past few weeks and it hasnt been getting better...

so in all the talking i keep being asked what am i going to do..how am i going to handle it..what are my next steps...and i want to pull my hair out trying to figure out how to deal with it safely and sanely and like kick her or something ..ok not good i know .. but ive been thinking about it non stop..and i had talked about cutting back my days due to my other job..and i am still going to do that..but right now...next week..i had already planned to go ut of town that weekend and that made the beginning of the week super crowded and i was just feeling overwhelmed thinking about both jobs and fitting everything in and trying to make everything work..and already feeling like i was on such a short fuse and really the only thing that i could think of to ease the situation was to get away from the most stressful thing..which is the group home...i need a break..a serious break...and i know that mean that it will be crazy hard next month money wise but i will out a way to make it work

and in my entire life ..this is the first time i have ever made a choice like this..the first time i have ever taken my on struggle into account for anything..that i havent just made myself struggle through it and pretend that i can handle it...i know i cant handle it..i know that im not ok right now ..and i asked for time away to hopefully get it together...i cant believe i did it..i dont know how i did it..but i did it..i actually did something to take care of myself on purpose..

writing ....again

i wish i could say i was ok ...that i wasnt just sitting here thinking about going and getting razors..or going and finding more pills...the worse i feel and the more awake i am..how does that work exactly..where is my escape..i dont want to be awake right now..i want to be nothing..i would much rather prefer to numb out and instead im just awake and thinking non stop about things..nonstop thinking about every single thing going on...worrying about noa and her surgery..bills and money and work and jobs and moving and life and sarah and the cats and everything and it makes me tired and im bored..i dont want to do anything..just lay here and sleep and not even sleep is an escape ...with out the dang xanax im not even sleeping as much ...im awake and i dont want to be awake... no pain pills no nothing...im feeling worse...ive gotten to triggered and not had an outlet for it..and so ive begun taking it out on myself without actually taking it out on myself...little things..picking and scratching...not actually eating..not sleeping..showering is becoming optional .. my room is a dirty mess..all i do is feed the cats and some days it takes taji crying for 15 mins straight for me to even figure out that her food bowl is completely empty..im an awful person right now...i am..i deserve nothing because i am nothing .. im tired of fighting to just keep doing the same thing ... i am a failure ..playing endless adult games that i dont understand  and am not able to win...ill never be able to function correctly...always flawed and broken and sad and just not all there..something always missing...but i have to pull it together for work... smile and  talk and keep it together until 10pm...maybe somewhere in there ill actually eat something..and maybe ill even take my meds and quiet my mind ...  maybe

ugh

once again i feel like i feel like im trapped..stuck..in a situation and i dont have a way out..im over thinking and struggling and just trying figure out a solution to so many different problems and its becoming overwhelming ... well its already overwhelming ...

right now with two jobs things are getting a bit difficult..and will get more difficult as i get more clients..i know im going to cut back my hours but that hasnt really happened yet..im down to four days ..but with going out of town next week that pretty much means that ill have to work the beginning of the week..and that wont work with seeing clients...and then going out of town for the weekend ... and money for that..and bills and im just feeling overwhelmed .. with all of it...im thinking about just taking off the entire week from the group home...but then i feel stupid for even considering that knowing i need the money...but if i have two clients i will be able to see them and still have money coming in and be less stressed out...im tired...the past few weeks have been incredibly hard and tiring and triggering and im just tired of all of ... but again i feel stupid for even considering taking a full week off...i just some time away from here..from richmond.. from work..from obligations ..and from stress...again..i just dont know what to do

hating mother's day

I have tried today to feel something other than sadness and hate for today and I can't.... I want so much to be happy but I'm filled with hurt and anger instead.... the questions surrounding my adoption have no answers so I come to my own conclusion... some one threw me and my sister away ..even. in the very beginning I wasn't wanted... who took care of me I'm the couple years my sister lived? I don't blame her for taking all the attention ..it is just...I was hard wired to be ignored and forgotten..and then i got older and had the joy of living in fear...learning to fear.. wishing to die and looking for an escape... from my life...from my mother... I don't feel anything special about today.. I made my customary phone call this morning..sounding happy and in a good mood... but it was soul crushing...pretending to care on a day that means nothing to me..maybe going home is a mistake waiting to happening..I'm not good enough yet...I have to become good enough first... I need to not eat so much...I need to do more...be more....I just don't know

shame

My mind is still.going in circles...I keep thinking and trying so.hard to just allow things to be but i cant...im ashamed...ashamed of the scars the hiding the heat..the pretending.. the not being able to be like everyone else...never like anyone else...

it is becoming clearer....

i can not work with someone who is actively self harming ...not in a professional sense....it gives me a sense a uselessness that is overwhelming me ...i feel lost and like i have let every one down because i am not able to save this girl..another incident tonight and my thoughts are circling again around cutting..around hurting..trying to convince myself why a few cuts would make things easier..would let some of the pressure go...but i cant..i cant..im trying so hard..and its so hard being strong when i watch her and she takes this way out ..over nad over and over and it just kills me to have to keep working to stay safe and she could care less...and its like im stressed and overwhelmed but im expected to be ok...and im not..i just want to sit and cry right now because im feeling bad ..and stupid and flawed and sad...and i cant get the thoughts to stop...

i feel like a failure

going to write..going to try to write ...

my mind is on overload and i am sad and probably triggered..i am having things on repeat..and actually it is the same phrase that has been on repeat for a couple weeks now and i couldnt place it until a few days ago ...its from girl interrupted...but quotes on cutting...both constantly going back and forth...still no major desire to cut..but again the thoughts just plague me..try to get past all of my other thinking and take over...thankfully i have to many other thoughts going on and other stress going on right now that it cant happen...not like it usually does..im feeling miserable enough without cutting currently..thanks to my weird stomach issues and current food issues..and no energy...and going back to wanting to sleep all the time..and work being a massive trigger...i saw anita yesterday...and i knew i was beginning to get angry about work and going to work..but i did not really realize that it is getting beyond just being angry and getting into dangerous zone where i am beyond angry and possibly moving beyond thinking rationally about situations and then doing something stupid...and im trying hard to keep control .. but my ability to stay calm and separate is slipping..i know this...i can feel it..i hate going to work..it stresses me out..it upsets me and yes it triggers the heck out of me...i wish i could that her cutting and stuff isnt a trigger but it is..just with all of my own stuff going on ...the small need for escape is always in the back of my mind...and going and having to deal with her behaviors and the cops and hospitals and all of that is a trigger all by its self and staying professional and talking to them..and feeling so stupid because she does this stuff and doesnt tell us and we dont have all the information and cant really do anything but tell her past history..not what she has currently done..it is upsetting and it makes me feel like i cant do my job..that im not doing my job and that ill be in trouble for not being able to stop her...for not being better in some way..and it all becomes a big big circle...im not good enough for anything..i cant do my job effectively..i cant do anything right..and then i hate her..i hate her for everything she does and everything she is able to get away with..and i want to scream and cry and yell and all sorts of stuff because its not fair ... i cant get away with anything and she get away with everything ...all of her behaviors are brushed under the carpet ..it doesnt matter that shes been to the hospital..it doesnt matter that she is actively cutting..it doesnt matter that she is calling the cops or that staff is calling the cops..the people in charge arent at the house any ..we can barely get them on the phone in an emergency..they are useless...they dont do anything to help..they still give her permission to go out and give her what she wants while saying she is being manipulative and playing games and that they are going to talk to her and fix the situation and all sorts of stuff and nothing is done and its not fair that she gets all this stuff and can do all these things and the other residents cant..so yes it makes me angry..very angry..more angry than i thought possible because it is happening so often right now..because i feel like i am her target..because i barely want to interact or talk to her unless i have to .. because im tired and going to work has become an automatic stressor..and im not sure anymore how to deal with it...im worn out..i dont want to do it...i hate that i have to do...if i was 100% positive about my other job i would just quit but because im not i cant .... im afraid ill have to stay...im afraid ill be stuck there...im afraid ill be there and not to leave because of the cps thing and that makes me feel completely hopeless..and useless..

today....

today has been just one of those days that you read about happening to other people..where things just all go right and happen and it is a good day all around ...

i got up this morning nervous about going to the interview i had scheduled for today...got up...ate...talked to sarah..and then got ready..i posted on fb asking for good luck wishes because i was beginning to feel nervous and scared and didnt want to go ... but i went..freaked a little about finding parking but finally got it situated and went for the interview....the lady interviewing me was nice..i didnt ask her religion and i dont want to guess at it..but it isnt harming me in anyway .. but i spoke with her at length about my experience...she gave me a questionaire to answer and a writing example to do...i did both and then went back to talk to her..more questions and answering type stuff..paper work questions and so on and so forth...and then the last thing we talked about was pay....and before i knew it she offered me a position ... she told me that i would officially start may 4th ... ill be back in mental health support...there have been some changes..not as much paper work...im eager..im readyy...i want things to change so much..i need things to change....i really do...and i have to make the steps for the changes to happen....and it is scary...im not sure what i want to do about my current job..i dont want to stop it completely just because i know there will be a lag in checks for my other job...but i am going to decrease my hours...ugh i need to talk to anita... i talked to sarah a lot about it all today when we went out for dinner and she listened which was awesome..

we also talked about going to alsaka next year...for sure...so ill start researching and planning it...because this will be a lot more money due to plane tickets and what not..but i want a real vacation..i need a real vacation...

sudden im looking to the future again..im wanting to do things again...im feeling more hopeful about things...

i am going to come clean with my supervisor about the cps thing though and we will go from there...i just would rather tell her...and not let it come back in the paperwork background stuff...and i just feel guilty not telling her...so until i know for sure...i wont be letting go of my other job...not yet..

but i ended up calling mommy and nia and sarah and stephanie and of course posting it on facebook..and then i came home and took a nap..and then i went over the sarahs and we went out for dinner and then just spent some time talking...and then some time doing other stuff...i wished i could have stayed....really needing that physical contact i think...not sex per say...just contact..connection...

meds are starting to kick in though and im starting to drift off...

only had one sweet thing today at dinner

and the kids are becoming more comfortable...

ok i think thats all

not doing so great

I really hate when I being to feel out of control..when I begin to feel useless and hopeless and not needed...My body becomes the battle ground..it's the only one I have...im at war with myself..And it will get worse..it is getting worse...it started with pills and has grown...And now eating is becoming a battle..refusing to eat..eating twice a day..And it is going to get less..No one can know...there is nothing wrong..there is never anything wrong..I'm fine..I'm just destroying myself...And that is what it is...I'm sorry

broken

My body continues to betray me....thoughts of destroying myself are strong...right now its pills....whats next??? Just more secrets and tears...and I don't know who to talk to about it anymore..Sarah has listened to me a million times and still I'm struggling to process this information... I really don't know what to do..and next week I don't Anita until wed...I may need to call her...I don't know...

my heart hurts ....

my heart feels as if it has broken into a million pieces...for all of the times i had i didnt want to have children or how gross it is and all of that...but the option was always there...and now i may end up not being able to have children at all..and i know that i am told that having or not having a baby makes me any less than a women..but in my mind it does..i feel useless..i feel broken..and just so very very sad...i know that nothing is set in stone but the option is put in my head..and im afraid..it is all i can think about..its is consuming my thoughts..and i cant escape the thoughts..no amount of sleep is making them go away..i am taking to much xanax and trazodone ... and i need to not to do that because it is dangerous...tomorrow i can going to get my regular meds...ive just been at all home today..i called out again..my mind and body in condition to be at work...tomorrow i will have to go..i cant keep skipping work...but im tired...not feeling 100% safe ..but im not concerned i will actually do anything to myself..im to sad for that...i talked to sarah i think yesterday..she went to the appointment with me..i have to go back for an ultra sound on may 4th..and i guess that will be the day i find out what the real next steps are...im just i dont know...trying to shut down..trying to not have to deal..ignoring and self medicating until i stop feeling..maybe i should call courtney or anita but no..i dont want them taking away the meds just yet..im not planning on dying ..i just need help to get through the day without crying..without any real thinking...i dont have the energy to keep up appearances...so medicine it is ...so something has to help...im behind on getting my meds filled anyway..so i really do need to go and get them..im sure that is not helping things either...im a mess right now...feeling so very much like a failure...broke down at least 3 or 4 times yesterday...today im very carefully managing to stop the tears..but i am really isolating...not talking to anyone really but sarah and mommy since she called me first thing in the morning...i have nothing to say..i dont know what to say...to myself or anyone else right now..i just want quiet...numbness..emptiness ...anything to help me forget about what i was told..i cant deal

bogged down ...

i have been avoiding writing like the plague and as a result my thoughts are begining to become repeatitive and obsessive and a lot of things are just making me feel so sad...i dont even know where to begin right now...my mind is so full but im so tired..my energy is gone..i feel like i cant function right now..it is 1:30am and im awake because i wasnt able to leave work again until 12am...another no communication so i wasnt expecting it..and all i got was a sorry...im sick..im worn out...im just tired and as the days go on i just get more tired..of struggling and trying and failing ... over and over the same things and i just end up feeling so disappointed and upset with myself a nd i want to lash out but i cant do that either...i dont have the energy...but whats going on..maybe ill make a list...

- the bleeding is stopping..i went on thursday and was able to get my shot ...which as i suspected practicly stopped the bleeding within 24hours...part of me wants to say im fine and not go to the gyno appointment..but im still cramping and it is still pain..and it is something that i dont want to happen again..so ill keep the appointment...but i havent gotten my info stuff either..so ill have to call access now on monday to ask about that...with all the bleeding ive been told that i am anemic again...i can craving ice again...

- allergies have begun to kick my butt..and im not feeling so great in general right now...my throat, eyes, ears, and nose are itching so much..im been sneezing and coughing..so i guess a trip to the drug store is in order...i need to get my meds refilled anyway...and im just beginning to strress out about money..

- money issues are getting to me again...im working my ass off and there is nothing to show for it ..i cant afford to move..but staying will come with a high high price..and i dont know..right now im feeling like such an awful person that i wonder if keeping taji and bounce is even a good idea...i cant see life without them..but im not able to care for them properly either and it worries me..a lot..but money for bills and rent and meds and phone and all of it is just stressing me out..and paying nia and rob back..

- my a1c is on the rise..it is actually above 8 right now..and that is not good at all...im scared and worried..wondering what ive done so wrong with..diet..no exercise..what...its jumped 2 points in 6 months...ive only been back on the meds for a month and still forgot sometimes to take the evening dose...the doc called me on friday to tell me this and i immediately became worried...she is changing my med to see if it helps and wants me to see the nutritionist..and im just afraid..

-applying for jobs...and getting interviews is making me nervous..i want a new job..i need a new job...i can do more with myself and my career if i would just believe in myself..its so hard for me to believe in myself..and i did freak out a little bit on friday when i had the interview and ended up talking to both courtney and anita on thursday..and had a very small talk with anita on friday afternoon...shoot im ready to go to the group just to get more time with her...

-my needs for comfort and attention are at an all time high..ive been not feeling good for so long and i just want someone to take care of me...i can go to sarah sometimes and just lay in her bed and cry from the pain and overwhelmedness like i did the other weekend..but she stayed with me..but i dont get to see her every day..i dont get hugs or feel important on a daily basis..and now with her family back in town..im trying to be suportive of her and still managain to some how lose my mind with worry and anxiety when she is with them..i dont mean to..but i keep freaking out...ive talked to her about it..cried about it..obsessed about it..felt selfish and mean for feeling the way i feel..im trying to understand and trust that i will not be abandoned..that i wont be left alone...sarah tells me that i am important to her...the most important person to her..and that she isnt going anywhere...the old fears and insecurities are popping up..worrying about how i was told that im to selfish to ever get married or be loved...feeling that im only good or needed when someone wants something from me...that i cant say no because ill be left alone..that i really am just an awful person and deserve to be alone because i am so complicated to deal with..and ive spent so long convincing myself that i would be alone..that i would never have anyone love me..and that changing is still hard...but its the random moments we have together where things are just what they are..we talk..we laugh..its silly..its fun..it makes me feel loved..and that i matter..that i can be myself..wether im just sitting in her room crying my eyes out for some reason or talking about sarahs umm dressing style...it really is the little things..like watching a whole movie and her holding my hand for the whole movie..i didnt ask and neither did see..but it happened...and i keep thinking of anita asking me what love means for me..and i think that is it...yes it is having someone accept me as i am..but its so much more than that too..its having someone to laugh with, to cry with..no questions asked..no judgements..being forgiven ..and not giving up on each other...being supportive..we hold each other up..no matter the issue..we are consistent for each other..we can sit in silence and i dont feel afraid..i dont feel i have anything to prove..she knows everything already...she stayed with me when i had nothing at all..she has helped me with various things even though i  struggled to accept the help...but yes..it is a lot..but i think i feel it the most with the little things...the things that i dont ask for but somehow she knows i will like or will help me feel better...and thats why im trying so very hard to calm down the jealousy stuff...with her and courtney and anita..people who dont judge me and give me attention for the positive stuff..i dont have to beg for there attention or use negative stuff to get there attention..my brain knows this but my thoughts continue to push the boundaries...continue to try and get more from them.to get everything from them...they have to fill up the emptiness inside of me..i need them to feel confident and happy and supportive and non judgemental of me,,i need them to tell me things that i am good at and point out the things that i am not seeing or when i am manipulating..or not listening..or pulling me out of my head when things get to hard to deal with and i am shutting down...i cant do it myself..i dont know how..but the emptiness is always there..the need for acceptance is always there..

-im sad that my relationship with sarah is not considered important by others...like mommy asks about how sarah is doing but nothing about planning a wedding...i guess i know where nia stands on the issue...yvonne hasnt mentioned it or talked to me about it..and understanding that sarahs family is not feeling happy about me...and i guess my feelings are hurt about it..no im not in a place to plan a wedding..but i just want it to be acknowledged...its important to me..but i can only show that to sarah..and well courtney and anita..i wish people were more understanding...and as much as the odds are stacked against us in a million and one ways...we are still sticking together..and pushing through...because its like ok ..interracial relationship..then a lesbian relationship..and then the wheelchair...i find it funny that the most important issue for my family is the wheelchair...of all the things..its that dang wheelchair...but again my life is here with sarah..maybe i just wish we could do more stuff...but then my stupid issues with being social and whatnot come up and its like no id rather just stay with you at your place...maybe that will change with time..and a heck of a lot of practice because i know that sarah does enjoy going out and stuff..

-a work issue came up the other day...regarding me being a cutter and the resident that i generally dont like...she said something about me telling her that i thought she was harming herself and she started crying..and blah blah blah..we had a conversation..about coping and being strong and resisting the urges...but my supervisor pulled me into the office and talked to me about it...because of course the resident told what we talked about it..and i guess again my feelings were hurt..but that i something i should have expected to happen...i mean the resident has known since like my second or third week of working here...and my issues will not be used against me...me making stupid decisions has been used against me..but i refuse to let the mental stuff be a deciding factor or excuse in anything...which is why i refuse to go the disabled route..i dont want the label...i dont want my issues to become all that anyone knows about me...and believe me..not many people know about my issues..hiding and pretending and being ok is the story of my life..but the cutting and scars ... they arent going anywhere and i told my supervisor that...that i have to live with my actions for the rest of my life...that i was in therapy and taking my meds...everything that ppl want to hear..to keep up the image of being ok..who wants to hear that i am feeling depressed or that i may or may not be suicidal ..or how im really depressed and not just tired some days...that i can only do with my very small circle of support ppl...but yeah i was just hurt by all of it..i mean she cant use it against me..my work proves that i am able to do my job...but can i be fired for being depressed and in therapy?

-im still working on that personal mission statement...i think about it alot..but i just cant figure out how to word it..how to write it...how to believe it..but its on my mind ...

i guess those are the major issues on my mind right now...a lot...and it really is bogging me down..im so tired...of the medical stuff..and not understanding my body ..not caring enough to stick to anything..i feel like a fialure at life..at my health..at all of it..because i just want be ok..and things keep happening that prove im not ...and i feel even stupider going to the doc with all these issues and i cant even give a real family background because of being adopted..there are no answers..there is nothing to go on..and my mind runs awaay with the fear of something serious going on..of being told that i will actually never be able to have children...of taking away my option to have kids...its all making me sad

i guess i just emptied my head..maybe ill just ty to go to bed now,,or try to sleep..fighting the meds it seems tonight..but i really did need to write

and again...anxiety won

as the meds take affect im really hoping this makes sense...my body hurts right now ...but oh well on that one..

i got home from work at about 8 am..and slept off and on until about 3....i was ok for a couple hours but then i started to get anxious about sarah and not being in contact iwth her and knowing that she was away..almost got to a full blown anxiety attack...i ended up talking to someone on facebook..who was able to understand the confusingness of eccho and parrot...food got things calmed down enough and then i knew i just needed to keep busy..really busy...so cleaned up and did laundry ..cleaned the litter box..everything..and now im ready to crash..waiting for the meds to kick in..i just feel so so vulnerable i guess..afraid of being abandoned...remembering past things..broken promises...all the threats of being left..because i wasnt able to do things in time...its all mashing up in my head and i end up freaking ..and i hate it because then i lose control...i cant think clearly..i want comfort and physical contact..just to calm the nerves...i just need the reassurance that she is there...the kids are still so very close to the surface.there is a major need to just know she is there..ive failed twice this week at keeping it together..and instead i turned into a crying spazz who cant handle it...i dont know

i just cant ..

my body hurts..i cant get the smell of blood to leave me alone..i cant get the bleeding to stop ..or the cramps or the clots or anything..no amount of pretending is making it go away..im tired..so very very tired ... i feel dirty .. very dirty

failing at this

i woke up anxious and confused...i am struggling to do the correct things and not act out in anger or frustration or whatever it is that i am currently feeling...i dont want to take the meds..i want to hide..i want to cry...and i cant even get out an explanation of why...im hurting and upset and sad and just to many things to even name ..i think today i will just lay down until time for work..i cant manage anything right now  :( 

bad dreams and stuff

There is a lot that I need to write about ..but my time is almost up  for now..I'm over at Sarah's and soon will have  to leave..like in an hour leave.And it is causing some anxiety..Ok a lot of anxiety and I'm trying not to cry...things are slightly hard right now nd I feel like I'm not any good to anyone...but I had a dream last night that I killed myself..took all my pills...I didn't make it to the hospital so I guess I died...pretty much means that I need to be incredibly careful with myself as i am aware that my thinking is becoming more mixed up..I'm frustrated with my body and the cramps that come randomly and make it hard to do anything...I hadn't cried at all  about it until Saturday..I just got so upset that it is still happening and I can't do anything about it..I'm afraid that I'll be told that I will have to go for the ultrasound and then the d&c...I'm afraid...I talked to a coworker about it..she has had two..she explained the process to me..And I'll end up needing to take a couple days off of work ... I hate this...My jealously and need for attention is causing some unrest...I am feeling left out and forgotten before anything has even happened..And Anita not being here is not helping the feelings...I'm being so incredibly selfish bit I don't know how to make it stop..Sarah is being reassuring and keeps reminding me that I'm the first priority to her..but my insecurities are suddenly front and center and I start convincing myself that I need to  be better..I need to not be me...I need to fix what is wrong with me...And Sarah has a million different things she is dealing with right now an  me losing it won't help... I'm feeling out of sorts and don't know what to do..wanting an escape..And thoughts of cutting are returning...My head is confused..I have such a head ache and I'm feeling sick...I last ate around 1 yesterday...I know I need to eat as my sugar is probably incredibly low...but I can't seem to..I just want to  lay down actually...Maybe I need  to call,courtney..except I'm not sure I'll be able to make that call with crying...the crying needs to stop...really...I made cake yesterday...I don't even want any..And cake is my favorite..something is going on...

mommy is coming

Against my wishes and trying..she is coming ...they are coming..I feel like crap... I look like crap... and I don't have the energy to care...but anxiety is up majorly

i dont feel well

I currently feel like death
..I  tired and cranky..I can't focus..My head hurts..nauseous..cramps...so many different things going on.. And I'm just trying to get through the days...right now my goal is to make it to ten..And go home..that is my goal...

worthless body

My appointment to see the doc had been moved up to the 2nd...I just want to cry because I'm thinking that this is going to be something major...this is the 3rd or 4th time this has happened..I've tried every form of birth control there is and still the bleeding comes and doesn't stop...I don't know what's wrong or why.. I'm afraid that I will be told that I need to be referred out again..more exams..more ultrasounds..more pain and fear and being constantly triggered..I just want it to stop and it won't and I'm not sure that I have many options left for trying to control it...it may not be fixed with the shot..that I can't get a whole month early..and that is why I have to see the doctor first and talk about my options..what options are left...the d&c thing is what hasn't been tried and I'm not feeling particularly keen to have my uterus scraped out..nothing to do but wait..but I'm already convincing myself I have some incurable disease.. i can't stop the thoughts.. I'm trying so hard and I can't stop them...

frustration

super frustrated right now and highly pissed off and tired and hungry and just want to lay down..no..this is not a good combination at all

goals

For some reason ... I like having my list 

2 hour session

I had a 2 hour therapy session today...to say my brain is done is putting it nicely..my head can't handle anything else at all...I'm so drained.. right now...so so drained!! She actually came with a plan of things to talk about and work on because betting on me wasn't going to happen lol..I walked in there with no idea what to talk about..so we hit on a lot of stuff.. actually talked about goals and triggers and budget and Sarah and the support group and I let her know I'm being safe..we talked about my goals I have with Sarah..more on the apartment stuff...we talked about work and well just a lot of stuff..it was good ..just overwhelming ..after all is said and done...there is a lot on my mind right now...a super lot and I'm tired at work...ugh

i dont remember

i know that i have a bad memory...ive spent a couple hours tonight and prolly on and off for the past few days..trying to figure out when i started the depo shots..because my period has actually started and im trying to figure out how long ive been without it..the shot is working ..but i really was at tantrum level today about the whole issue and ready to go and tell my doctor that the shot isnt working...i just struggle so much with the whole period thing and the issues are very deep and troubling and the whole thing is a major trigger..and its just been a non consistent issue for the past like month...cramps here and there..a little bit of spotting..but the past week it all intensified..and the cramps are coming with a vengence..but i cant remember when i started the shots..has it been six months..nine months ..or a year..i suck so badly at recalling things and i cant match up time frames correctly .. and so trying to remember is causing me to forget even more and doubt all of it..and i feel stupid for not being able to remember the simple stuff..i forget the important stuff..the non important stuff..and it just ..its hard..it makes me feel bad...

lack of beauty and ramblings

there has been a lot on my mind recently...self esteem and confidence are really low..and i just spend a lot of time wishing i could be someone else..anyone else...im ashamed of the scars..and feel ugly..i look in the mirror and the negative stuff starts up immediately..i try to stop it or think of other things to fight them with..but instead all i end up doing is wishing that i could be a beautiful person..someone who is wanted and needed...and instead all i have is me..all i am is me..and that depresses me a lot...i just feel like i should be better..i should be doing more..i should be fighting to get healthy and to be happy...but the more i try the more i sabotage it all and then stop caring ..and yes it is a vicious cycle that i am stuck in...the disordered eating stuff hasnt exactly picked up but the thoughts are there...and now with all of my stomach issues ..it is all just a pain..i wish i could accept myself and who i am..and i think i have times when i get really close to doing it..to accepting and letting things go..but then i stop..or something gets to me and i start the whole process all over again..and it is frustrating..i try to avoid the mirrors because i dont want to look at myself...and i think some of it also has to do with being on fetlife and seeing people post all these cool pictures and stuff..but i am so scarred that i could never do that...not that i would be comfortable with it anyway i dont think..but still even on a site where anything goes..i am still censoring things...fear,,judgement, shame and guilt all play a part in it..and i guess with the shame issues picking up...i am once again remembering why it is that i am my own worst enemy..i just feel so stupid for evening worrying about this...but all my life ive been told and asked 'why cant i be like so and so' ... i was doomed to failure from the get go..trying to achieve what someone else has..or trying to be like someone else..and i cant do it..and so i keep failing and yeah this whole thing is depressing me hell out of me..but i need to get the thoughts out ..and keep them slightly separate..but i see it all..and the paranoia starts and i swear im being watched and judged..like everyone has xray vision and im the joke that everyone is making fun of and laughing at .. i dont feel pretty or special often..and really the only person who does make me feel pretty is sarah..but im not going to go finishing for compliments just so that i feel better about myself...this is just one of those if i had grown up different..how different would i be ? would i be the same person?

disconnected

The past two days has been really hard..um trying to get it together and I have moments where I feel like I'm all together but mostly it just feels like I'm not connected to anything... my brain doesn't want to stay where it is supposed to stay..and I guess some of it has to do with the pain and cramps from my period starting..the cramps are bad and its making me feel so out of it and cranky and short tempered..and its making my back hurt..actually my whole lower stomach area hurts and I feel like I'm starving and I just want to eat chocolate and I'm so frustrated with everything.. I paid the rent and my car insurance with this check..and it just made me sadder...mommy asking to borrow money has left me with nothing...and there is a limit on asking for it back..I can only ask to borrow up to 20 and no more..I was going to try to get my meds and I can't now ...another two weeks before that is an option.. I guess I have some food .. it will pretty much be grilled cheese. pdandj and noodles...for the next two weeks..how I'm gonna budget for cat food and litter us beyond me right this minute..I need gas for next week and the worry and stress makes me just feel worried band scared..and stressing out doesn't help anything at all..and I just feel useless because I can't do anything at all..I can't get out of survival mode and I keep getting stuck in my head and I can't get out... hopeless I guess

really need to regroup

Yesterday was just an all around really truly bad day..from the time I woke up until I went to bed it was something...Ugh...Just sucky and frustrating and upsetting..I'm a little calmer today..No work today and I'm really glad I'm off on Monday..

i need to write ..before i scream...

going to write really fast

im afraid that i will have to go to the doctor about my stomach issues..i go in a couple weeks for my shot stuff so ill make an appointment then..im just tired of all the issues and eating and getting sick and just not feeling good...something is going on with my stomach and now my throat and im tired of it...i really am..i dont feel good..the coughing i have decided is not from getting sick..its something about some weird stuff going on and im not really sure what to do...im tired of this..is a very very big way...i just want to lay down and sleep for a couple days because of not feeling well...and im in a really bad mood because im not feeling good.. and im majorly pissed off and annoyed about not being able to get my transcripts and things are just going downhill again and i dont know how to get it to stop..im back to wanting razors.to ahve.to keep..to use..i dont know..i better get going ..work calls

There is so much rolling around in my head...sigh

majorly anxious

Something has me feeling really anxious and I'm picking at everything..My fingers..My face..currently about 7 fingers are a bleeding mess..And if I didn't have to go to work tomorrow I would put bandaid on..they are sore and look gross and I can't seem to,leave them alone...I'm feeling quiet ..really quiet ..I don't know what is going on..I just feel like hiding

ugh

My stomach is being a pain today...I ate my lunch and for some reason my stomach is incredibly upset..I ate the same thing last night and my stomach wasn't upset...geez..I hate how my stomach picks and chooses what is ok to eat and what isn't...

I seem  be on a corn kick..No idea why but suddenly all I want to eat  is corn...I was craving fried chicken but I made that yesterday so I'm good on that..but no corn is taking over..weirdness extreme..

I'm super bored at work and did I mention I'm bored..  want to coo  way to many different things..And no time or space..I am going to throw the rice away though..  I don't like it and normally I do like the chicken wild rice..but for some reason I don't this time...I think I'll do the chicken and sweet potatoes bake thing tomorrow morning...And I ended up saying something to tramaine about my food ..because she and her company came in last night and ate my food..  don't understand because she has food but sees fit to keep eating mine .. it frustrates me..And she was just like I understand..And it's crazy because there is nothing to understand..it's freaking mine...Ugh..undue stress

I'm going to have to go to the store...I need cat food..Maybe I'll pick up the stuff for the macaroni and beef thing..it looks so good! So that and my cinnamon rolls are next for cooking...

I was a little frustrated this morning with Sarah
..but we talked about it..who knew communication could actually be a good thing...

It's looking more and more  like I'll be applying for that other job..if.  want to be able to do anything I need more money coming in...I'm making needs meet right now..for the most part..it's a struggle though..an  I need to get back on my meds before I try to kill myself or something....And that is an additional 70+ dollars..Ugh everything is so frustrating..I'm trying to just keep my head above water...blah way touch to think about..

I'm at work..I've really saved gas  this week lol..tomorrow I'll have to drive of course..but I've barely driven this week..the water was on this morning..we left it running all night and that worked..but the house manager came and picked me up an  My coworker is going to be taking me home tonight..so they managed to get me to work..I was really hoping for a snow day of doing nothing!! But no I'm at work..but thankfully I don't have to spend the night..My hours are kind of sucky this week..I'll end up missing a day..blah..I'm trying hard  to make sure I get my 40 hours a week...pretty soon though days off will be a thing of the past with two jobs...Ugh...oh well ..some how something will work out..I hope..I hate having two jobs...I end up getting careless and there is no time to distress at all...I really need to think about this..big time...

writing..reflections ...boredom

so i ended up not going to work today because of the water issue and well i wanted to take a shower..they came and looked at it in the early afternoon and it was back on like 3 hours later..im currently trying to do laundry and what not while i have the chance and while i have the apartment to myself...i did my hair and ive cleaned up my room finally...taji has been peeing on everything and so it is a pain and i needed to mop the floor so that it would not smell like her personal bathroom pit stop anymore...but for the most part my room is in wonderful order and it smells like apples ... i love that cleaning stuff...it smells really good...but generally its been a pretty i dont know sort of day..woke up angry..and pissed off..found out about the water not working and just kind of stayed pissed off...so i ended up calling out from work..and now ive been asked to do a double tomorrow...and i said i would if the weather permits...if i wake up in the morning and there is a couple inches of snow on the ground im not going in..and i let her know that..ive already told her that i cant drive in the show and im not comfortable doing it..so we will see how the weather holds up..just in case i am bringing extra stuff with me..and food of course since i will be there all freaking day..ugh..that is going to suck horribly..but ill get all my hours for the week..and the schedule for next week is actually already out and im going to be off all weekend..yay...im gonna just hang out at sarahs of  course for the weekend..and maybe my mood will hold out...im considering my medicine and how i can get it filled..not sure ill be getting anything at all back from taxes because of some random medical bill i have that i dont even remember..essh..but im just not even counting on that one anymore..so on to my next plan...sadly ive come to the decision that i will not be going to see nia at all for now..not until i can get them paid back...and so that means no visiting ...because it would be hellishly wrong to visit knowing i owe them a bounce of money and what not..so to avoid that ..ill be paying them back first..which means no visiting anyone or going anywhere and that just makes me sad...i know i just should work on working and paying bills but that is all i do..i work so freaking much..and have nothing to show for it at all...so not being able to go anywhere just really makes me sad...there is not really anything to look forward too..the months will pass and there will be nothing of interest going on...maybe ill be able to go and see wayne and the boys and courtney when the baby is born for a couple days...i just feel like im missing out on everything..and it triggers the depression in an even bigger way..im trying to hang on..and deal with it...but the sadness wins out...the overload on criminal minds may not be helping at all..but dang it..im addicted ...maybe ill take my prescriptions to walmart and see how much they cost...get back some of them..a few at a time...i know i need to be on all of them..both the ones for physical stuff and mental stuff..but if i cant get the mental stuff under control better then i wont be willing to take the other ones at all ..because i tend to get hooked on the i am fine thinking and well if i think im fine then no amount of trying to convince me otherwise will work..right now my self care is lacking a lot..ok im pretty much not doing it in any way at all...again ..knowing i should and actually doing it are not the same thing..so i go up and down with my moods and well the outcome is that i lay in bed and only get up when im stuck going to work..shoot half the time im at sarahs im laying down ..ha sometimes laying down is fun..but sometimes im really truly just laying down to lay down..blah..depressing stuff today it seems ... i dont know..head is in a weird random and disjointed place tonight...i think im getting more agitated for some reason..i dont know ...maybe if the weather holds ..i can take some of my prescriptions in somewhere and see how much they will cost...i should go check my laundry ... this wifi thing though may be a huge lifesaver !! i can be online a little bit..well ill only use it on days that im not working of course..but i get to be online..and use my computer again..and that keeps me a little bit busier...hmmm ok ..kitchen to cook and clean and then more crimnal minds and wasting time so that ill go to bed early hopefully so i can get up at 5am tomorrow to go to work...

who saves the day?

you know ..i watch all of these shows..svu, csi, criminal minds, etc...knowing that to many at once is an overload and will cause some adverse reactions...but i keep watching them..over and over i watch them..my current show in criminal minds...but if i know the shows are a trigger ..why do i put myself through it over and over again..what is the point exactly???

ive watched 5 episodes of criminal minds in a row today..and im at the point now where i need to stop watching..for my own sanity..but the last episode was about a kid who had been kidnapped..you go through all the stasistics about how after a certain number of hours the ability to find the child alive like get cut in half ... but they found her...she will need therapy for the rest of her life but they found her..unharmed..and was able to give her back to her parents...thats the important piece..they are saving these people...kids and adults who get caught up in some messed up things..and things shows are based on life..i cant watch them and just think oh this will never happen..its to far fetched..who would steal a kid or sale a kid ..so on and so forth...i watch the shows because i know that they will catch the bad guys..i need to see them catch the bad guys..its really important to me...its because they go looking for these kids and people and do everything that can to make things right ...they care and they support ..

and i go back to wishing my life could have been a tv show..where i am lost and found all in 60 mins...that there is a way to let go of the bad stuff and move on...but thats not my life..no i was lost in the cracks and left to my own defenses ..and i am where i am now..and the old questions still plague me...what did i ever do ?  how come i couldnt pick my parents?  why did i end up with two sets of parents who didnt want me?  but there was no one looking for me or helping me..and so here i am..all broken and useless .. waiting to be saved..still waiting ...

therapy...conversation

we actually talked a little bit about what it would be like if I went to the hospital...t said she would feel sorry for them if I was there...not because I'm bad..but because I know the field ..I know what to say and how to say it..I would be in there teaching them what they are supposed to do...And she is right... I can talk them out of putting me in the hospital..And t and pdoc both know that I can...but t told me that the world needed me out of the hospital and that she didn't want to see me there. That means a heck of a lot.

on overload

My brain is overloaded right now..I'm feeling anxious and tearful...I did see Anita today and we talked about what's been going on and I told her what has been kind of going on and how I've been..but I haven't been able to track my moods and my journal has no time of reference..so that wasn't so helpful..but I've asked to journal daily and to write about the touch thing when it happens and stuff...so that is ok..we talked a lot actually about the touch thing since I did bring it up..I'm not sure why I brought it up but I did...so we talked..I worked on my journal more too...still not finished though...Anita mentioned that I may be trying to hard to make it all fit together..And she is right..I'm slowly losing the ability to look at it objectively...it's hard..there is so much pain and sadness and it is hard to ignore it when I'm sitting there reading it all...so that is going slow...really slow..talked about work and everything..And a general check in...I forgot to mention that I'm starting to have trouble sleeping..And bad dreams about death again...there is never enough time during the session..seriously...

After leaving her..I was feeling ok.but gradually my mood has gone down a lot...I feel like crying and I'm tired of so much..My head refuses to stop hurting and I really don't want to be at work...it's to hard and I'm thinking to much..I want to be left alone and that can't happen at work...Maybe I won't do anything tomorrow ...Just lay down and not do anything...I don't know..

well

I am much calmer...ready to go home..but I am definitely calmer..And with the calm have come some latent turned on feelings..can we say bad timing extreme!! Hmmm maybe I'll look  up a couple of my stories that I like reading...Ok so off track..tonight at work was actually ok
..all things considered..Thank heavens tomorrow I see Anita..I think I need to talk or not talk..My feelings are mixing themselves up big time...And hiding and Pretending are the game changers of course..My brain is skipping around majority..I  thinking about today, tomorrow, and Tuesday..  I want to cook so much on Tuesday and I think I will..I. Just sure what I want to cook..I keep changing my mind..I want to spend the day watching criminal minds and cooking...nothing that requires much thinking ..Just for a day...Maybe I'll sleep...who knows...I really should focus on tonight..goodness...Umm get through tonight..that's the goal...I'll worry about tomorrow when tomorrow gets here..

Breathe
Keep breathing
Get up and go to work
That is the plan
Make sure it happens

badbadbad

Something is really wrong and I guess it started sometime yesterday..feeling way to much ..I keep falling asleep..And then bad dreams are what chased me away from trying to keep laying down...all. dreams ending in my death I guess..a very big difference from the night before where I was just super excited...My head hurts and trying hard not to cry..Maybe I'll put on cartoons or something...feeling incredibly vulnerable and sad and fragile..the ability to manage properly is leaving me very quickly..right now I just want to hide some where...self destruction is becoming an issue...My thoughts are jumbled. I can't think straight and.  I would prefer if the crying stopped..Maybe I'll just sit in the darrk and think about nothing and everything..And hope nothing happens...

a lot going on...sorta

Ok this may be crazy long..I guess I'll  start with the current stuff and work my way back...currently my stomach is going crazy..the past couple weeks I guess, almost everything I eat is upsetting my stomach...And its just a pain constantly running to the bathroom..I need to figure out what is causing it..because I'm  once again having stomach issues and I don't like it at all...it's been happening almost daily..it's not fun..if it keeps up I may end up making an appointment to see the doc...

Also for like the past couple weeks I've been getting really bad cramps but no actual period...I'm not sure the aleeve is helping..but I'm starting to feel pretty crummy physically..I'm not really sure what is going on ...so I'm gonna go back to fixing my meals an  not eating out so much...I  still pretty good with decreasing the soda...only like once or twice a week..And not massive amounts..so better on that..but I'm gonna have to figure out what is causing my stomach to stay so upset...it hurts..And I end up not feeling good..And last weekend I wasnt feeling good at all..Sunday ended up with me spending most of the day laying down and sleeping..but gradually as the day went on I started to feel better ..And I was over at Sarah's and not by myself...I can't remember the last time I willingly let someone else take care of me..but it was nice to be able to let go of things for a little while...

Things at work are pretty much the same..working a hell of a lot for not much of a paycheck..but I'm surviving I guess...I'm looking for a new job..And I really just want stability so bad..where I know my hours and when I'll work and all of that...And physically feeling so crummy has me just wishing I could take a few days off of work..Just to have some down time...but I can't afford to do that..so I'll keep coming to work not feeling the greatest..

I think  today my mood is going crazy ..I'm ok and then just as quickly not ok..My brain hurts and I'm tired and well not feeling good..I want to be left alone but not alone ...Ugh...I'm just feeling off..really really off..I missed seeing Anita this week..not a good idea..I don't even remember now why I ended up cancelling..but I'm scheduled for next week so that will work out...

Yesterday ended up with me feeling really anxious..I know this because I was picking at my feet..And yes picking my feet apart is just as bad as picking at my fingers..I need to pay more attention to my feet if I  managing to pick at them...but I ended up upset yesterday morning about something with Sarah but I actually told her I was upset and later sad...it was just triggering in a big way..thankfully it ran it's course..I used my coping skills and calmed down..even managed to no  hang on to the sad feelings...dinner and flowers were an unexpected perk...but I loved them.

Right now I'm hoping that I don't end up in a not good place again...I'm started to get that rocky things aren't  Ok feeling....I don't know

heading into a bad place

I have no idea why or what has really caused this particular downward spiral...I don't want to be bothered..I feel like crying because I am so upset and I don't know what about...How can I fix what is wrong if I don't even know..I was ok I thought I was ok but I'm not..I just want to go and hide at home...I don't want to be around anyone..I just want to lay down and not have to do anything...I don't know what is wrong..but I can't stop it...I don't know how..

well...

Things are going ok right now...they really are..I'm trying to manage and I did throw out the razors..they are completely gone now since I took out the trash this morning..I was once again stuck cleaning up the kitchen..but oh well...I cleaned up and went to get toilet paper and paper towel..I asked her to get some but she never answered my text so I see no point in waiting for her..I don't plan on running out of stuff for her benefit..so I went to the store and picked some up..I got sandwich stuff and I got some water and sugar free mixes..And some cereal...surprisingly I didn't want any snacks..I got some chickfila and it made me sick...Ugh...I'm going to be able to get my meds by the end of the month..I finished my taxes for the most part and will be getting a small amount back...so that will help out with bills and maybe I can get something that I want ...who knows...I'll see...but I will be able to get caught up on the stupid water bill..I found out that I may be taken off of the schedule because of my transcripts and right now I don't even care..I'm tired and I'm trying to get my transcripts from my other job and they aren't sending them..I've been emailing for weeks and something keeps coming up...so I guess I'll be off the schedule...I'm trying hard to care...but the need for a few days off is much needed...Just a couple days or something of no stress...so next Wed I'll know for sure...but me being taken off the schedule gives me time to look for another job..I've talked to my supervisor about the current financial struggle and they are going to take me off?!?! Yeah that makes sense...

I'm off on Saturday though..And that is pretty exciting...I've gotten all but one thing for Sarah and hopefully she likes it..we are going to the movies and out to eat..Marcia is going to but that's ok..because in April we will be gone for a week..not the most private place but just getting away...so it will be ok...we make it work..And I like doing things that makes Sarah happy..which is a totally different conversation...

I cancelled my appointment to see the doctor tomorrow..I don't want to go..And if something happens I'm technically at the clinic each week anyway..I can make another appointment...

But like I said..getting through Feb is the important thing...And then maybe things will get a bit easier...hopefully

pretending, hiding, masks...

The mask I wear is constant..immediate..I still rely on it to hide from everyone..to hide from the world...it is still firmly in place..after all these years..I can't seem to let it go for long...I got my evaluation at work on Friday and it is making me anxious..the last job I had..I literally lost my job like a few days after the evaluation was done..so I'm a little bit freaked...I got a good evaluation...I was told I am positive and what not all the time..And I looked at her lime she had lost her mind..I told her I thought I was going to be fired..I didn't tell her that often I come to work suicidal or stressed to the point of crying..or feeling afraid and all the recent cutting....but that isn't for anyone to know and so the mask stays in place..it's hard and tiring and that is why I guess the isolation is still so important..I get tired of pretending that I have things all together..because then no one believes me when things have fallen apart..I never act sad..I get very quiet..but I blame my off days on being tired or not feeling well..those are acceptable answers..I'm depressed and suicidal..or anxious are not acceptable..not to mention I would most likely be fired..because I'm completely crazy and make stupid choices and get myself in trouble and I just want to scream some days when I can't get my head  to work correctly.. I want to be something ..someone..anything that I'm not..I'm not good enough..but  I don't know what parts of me are acceptable..I'm stuck..the I hate myself thinking is alive and well..I hate that I can't die..I hate that I can't be better..be more..be what or who people think I need to be...And that quickly the thoughts have turned back to cutting..to punish..to hurt..because I am just kidding myself with everything and I will keep disappointing everyone and just be awful forever...it's not fair..but that is nothing new..I've spent my whole life wishing to be someone else..someone pretty and liked..but instead I look in the mirror and see myself and I hate me..except speaking in 3rd person makes it turn into I hate you..a constant attack ..a constant thought..having someone..a voice sitting behind me..constantly telling me that I'm stupid and awful and that I should have died a long time ago..that cutting helps..that I can take pills or drink or burn or purge until I feel better...I van destroy myself because no one will notice..no  one will care...and  it will be to late for help because I will gone .

I wonder sometimes what it must feel like to no  think about dying or hurting or any of it..to just have peace and quiet for a while..to be ok..to not go up and down with the moods..to just be ..to be present without fear or wondering..but that is mot for me ...I'm giving up on finding peace or quietness
I want the silence..I want to not be afraid that I'm going to wake up and try to kill myself...Just to be ok...

I have to remember..I have to fight to remember that I'm not alone..that,Sarah is with me..And that I need to trust her to not go away.that I can't drive her away..that she loves me..

I gotta go

im tired

Yesterday was a hard day...My anxiety was really high...I had my work evaluation done..And got my check.. I was able to  pay the rent and mommy and put some money on the water bill...I have enough left for gas and food and cat stuff..with a little bit left over for vday with Sarah..

I know what I want to  get for her and I'm trying to be ok with it..I want to get her so much but I can't afford it...I just feel bad that I can't do the things I want to do...for her..

I've been feeling really depressed and well yesterday super anxious...I'm not liking myself very much and the cutting hasn't increased but it is still  happening..And I'm ashamed that I'm still doing it..that I still want it..but I'm upset that it doesn't work like it did before..the element of release isn't there..it still switches my focus and the pain holds my attention..but I'm not making massive cuts..the pain doesn't stay..And then my thoughts go back to racing..My head loses the battle and the overwhelming thoughts return..the feelings return..and  I can't escape..Maybe I will be able to get the meds with my next check...the money I got advanced wasn't taken out of this check and for that I am grateful because I was able to pay the rent and stuff ..but it may be taken out of the next check..so I'll have to figure that out..but maybe it will work out...

I just need a break..I want April to get here so bad so I can go out of town...I need a vacation...

I'm beginning the search for an apartment..a one bedroom..it is making me a bit anxious...but I'm going to  need to,find a place...

Sarah helped me calm down yesterday and I'm trying to hold on to that calmness..I have to work tomorrow but I'm off Sunday and Saturday..And that makes me happy..I prefer being off those days..but I have to work today and that is ok...

not going to be good

A bunch of little things have become one big thing and i left for work angry...raging and I'm still struggling to calm down... the outcome in my mind to calm down is not a good one but I can't get myself to think of anything but cutting... I'm struggling to even get through work right now...

calming the storm

I am able to breathe right now..the urges to hurt myself are quiet this morning.. I ended up spending the night with Sarah..it was calming to be able to joke and laugh... I have missed that..we have both had so much going on..and its been really serious stuff..so last night was a good break..no worrying or freaking out...just a good time together.. I didn't even realize I was missing it until last night..
Yesterday was just really stressful and a bit triggering.. and I had planned on cutting.. but other things happened instead that made the urges quiet down...so it was good...I think the scars were bothering me yesterday..shame and guilt fighting it out in my head.. not the best day at all...but it ended on a better note and that's good

ugh

So much to write...Ugh I forgot my computer at home of course..crap.

I really really wanted to drain my head but that won't be happening today..Just wanted to write...it takes to long on the kindle...

I'm starting to feel overloaded..

I just need something and I don't know what it is...