yesterday..i had a long conversation about work and the struggles i am having there...last week in therapy i had a conversation about work and the struggles..i constantly and talking to sarah about work and the struggles i am having there...do we see a theme here???? the group home is a trigger right now..and i go to work but right now i am having trouble controlling my self and how i am feeling and just my thoughts and feelings and anger and all of it and i can feel that i am going to end up reacting badly and lose my temper or something over something stupid because i cant get a release on the feelings that i am holding in..i cant figure out how to let them out safely ..and so they keep building up and building up ..and it is not going to end up..and with me being triggered so often and unable to keep my personal stuff separated ...im just constantly walking on eggshells to make it through the shifts...the cops and emts coming so often..the hospital trips and the arguing and games and manipulations are getting to me and my anger just gets harder and harder to control...i go to work and try my hardest to not argue with her..and to remember that i am the professional..but the boundaries dont stay in place..and then problems start happening.. and well yeah... not good things start coming up..and i end up in a not good place at all...which is where i have been at these past few weeks and it hasnt been getting better...
so in all the talking i keep being asked what am i going to do..how am i going to handle it..what are my next steps...and i want to pull my hair out trying to figure out how to deal with it safely and sanely and like kick her or something ..ok not good i know .. but ive been thinking about it non stop..and i had talked about cutting back my days due to my other job..and i am still going to do that..but right now...next week..i had already planned to go ut of town that weekend and that made the beginning of the week super crowded and i was just feeling overwhelmed thinking about both jobs and fitting everything in and trying to make everything work..and already feeling like i was on such a short fuse and really the only thing that i could think of to ease the situation was to get away from the most stressful thing..which is the group home...i need a break..a serious break...and i know that mean that it will be crazy hard next month money wise but i will out a way to make it work
and in my entire life ..this is the first time i have ever made a choice like this..the first time i have ever taken my on struggle into account for anything..that i havent just made myself struggle through it and pretend that i can handle it...i know i cant handle it..i know that im not ok right now ..and i asked for time away to hopefully get it together...i cant believe i did it..i dont know how i did it..but i did it..i actually did something to take care of myself on purpose..
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