cant sleep

another night of missed meds and i cant sleep...im frustrated and overwhelmed and stressed and anxious..and the negative thinking is taking over to the point that silence really is the best option right now...im going over and over in my head of how to make every thing work and the strain is making me just feel like crying...i cant do it...unfortunately a lot is riding on my small check im getting tomorrow and the wiating is driving me crazy...because i dont know how much it will be or if it will actually be on my card and im just freaking out a bit and just scared about going home and i keep reminding myself that im going to see the baby..that im going to see noa and nia and everyone ..everyone sadly enough except mommy ...i dont want to see her...im not good enough to see her..i havent lost enough weight..i havent fixed enough things about myself..im not better..and just so many things..and she will look at me and just hate what she sees and i will know it..i always know it..i need my stupid razors i should have just gotten some yesterday...but yeah  silence  is better right now..i think im going to try to go back to sleep for a bit...its only 3:30am..and ive been up cleaning and what not since 2..im trying to distract myself...but the anxiety and fear is already becoming to much to deal with..and im getting lost in my thoughts