the lights are turned off

im attempting to write before i start crying .... the pressure is suddenly coming from all sides and im feeling overwhelmed and more upset ..and i want to cut..i want to hurt...the longer i sit and think the more i feel a need to find a way to get the feelings out of my body..because i can no longer talk about them..im being told now that i need to move no..go to work..do this..do that..and i cant explain honestly to mommy or nia that my thinking has taken over and is preventing me from doing much more than laying in bed and wishing i would just die and be done with it...i already know what i have to do..i know what im supposed to do..and yes i know what im expected to do...but none of that is what i want to do..i dont know what i want to do..i cant get myself to think far enough in the future to even figure out what i truly want to do...again i know logically what i have to do and what i will do..and at some point the time will come when i will get off my ass and actually do it...but right now i just cant...i want to be left alone..i dont want to talk to anyone....i cant explain just how truly awful and worthless i feel for screwing things up so very much...and how ive messed things up for myself ...i may not have meant to but i have..and now im stuck...and once again im asked to stay quiet about it..dont talk about it ..dont say anything at all about it...but the price of silence is high because the thoughts dont stop if i stop talking about them...and the few people i talk to about them prolly wouldnt even agree to me not talking about them...i dont know...the command has been given...and its as if locks are immediately placed on me..and everything goes back to being fine and ill go back to being fine and no one will see me cry...which also means that it will be a matter of days before i have razors...that is the way it works ...i can be silent...i can say absolutely nothing..i can be nothing..i can be obedient and good and silent and smile and go to work and do what i am expected to do...and all those thoughts..all those feelings that im not supposed to talk about..all the stress and anger and fear and sadness...they will still find a way to seep out...but as long as no one knows...as long as no one sees..who cares what it is that i am doing...i am a functioning adult...that is all that anyone cares about...thats all i have to be...nothing else..im dying inside just to keep up appearances ..because that is the expectation of who i am supposed to be..but dont worry..im fine..ill manage..