going home and stuff

Once again I don’t realize that im doing something or that im feeling a certain way until after the fact…I didn’t realize that once again I was tracking things that weren’t happening between sarah and me..until something did happen..and suddenly all the things that didn’t happen came into focus and I realized that I had been feeling a bit unwanted I guess..maybe unimportant is a better word…and I didn’t know I was even feeling that way until yesterday..and we have both been so busy with work and not feeling good and being tired and not seeing each other..and I guess some of the small things kinda stopped happening and I noticed but didn’t notice at the same time…and I yesterday .. I was tired and cranky and tired and sarah ended helping me relax and later on I suddenly started thinking that ..ok I am still wanted..and I didn’t want to be a dork and just thank her for what happened..so instead I told her that I had been feeling not wanted..and sort of why..its hard having those types of conversations …and especially with coming back from being at home and feeling more watched and having to be careful knowing that mommy was watching and so everything did stop..no touching or anything really…no giving anything away..and so it was a completely hands off..your a friend and nothing more type environment and that is really hard to do..since being at home is hard for me and sarah already knows that…and not being able to really get that comfort and physical support…not sex..but physical comfort…and with getting so frustrated and anxious on Friday and not having the money I was expecting and not having all of my meds ..and just feeling unable to relax and or fully calm down…and trying to just be more than I was..and worrying about sarah who ended up not feeling good while at home…and just being at home and feeling so very much like I once again truly do not fit into my family…even more now…everyone is breaking off into their own little families and im not allowed to have mine…and so im just alone surrounded by everyone else..but I don’t fit into anyone elses family either..and so I did feel incredibly left out…yes I got to hold and play with marley..i talked to the boys…I saw noa who doesn’t remember me and wouldn’t come near me…I talked to nia and Courtney and wayne and henry…but now the differences is that nia of course has rob and noa…wayne and Courtney has marley and the boys..and henry of course has so many friends he is never lacking for company or friends…but me..i never had anyone…there was never anything for me at home..growing up all I did was babysit if I wasn’t at home or with mommy..i didn’t have friends and I never went out ..coming back isn’t a time for me to go visit anyone or to catch up with anyone..no one misses me or needs me around..im nothing there..no one..and even in my family I am invisible..a mistake…I have done nothing..i have given nothing…im not social enough to be invited anywhere..and im truly not invited places at all…if mommy or nia didn’t mention me I guess I prolly wouldn’t be remembered at all…but its ok..im used to being forgotten..and maybe that is why being forgotten is one of my biggest fears….because I am forgotten..im already forgotten…there is nothing about me worth remembering…and maybe that is where some of the never ending loneliness comes from…feeling that I don’t ever fit in..that I have never fit in..once again…something has been bothering me and I was not fast enough to catch it…or figure it out..i talked about it a little bit with sarah..but of course there are deeper issues…there are always deeper issues.. and maybe I need to stop writing for now… I can tell this is not going to end well ..my thinking is going in circles and I hate them all…they are all liars..they have all lied to me my entire life and none of them helped and none of them noticed and all of them told me to be grateful..and see..this is why writing is not always a good idea..