I am trapped in silence

Monday my world fell out from under me..And I'm  Just at a major loss for what to do..I'm depressed..I'm almost at that suicidal point..everyday I get a little bit closer...And I don't know how to even stop it...I've been coming. Over to Sarah every evening...but I have all day to get lost in my thoughts and they are a sucky place to be...Anita mentioned yesterday. That it's not really the surface stuff causing the issues..it's the stuff it brings up..the feelings of defeat and worthlessness and being a failure and not good enough..over and over I think about how I've messed up..How this is all my fault...that I tried my,hardest and still got fired..And its only made worse having my supervisor and the people.  I worked  with at the new.job telling me how well I did...How I was such a good case manager..And that I'll be missed...I suck ok..I'm stupid and awful and make incredibly stupid decisions...And dig myself into massive holes that I can't get out of...I'm tired of all of this...I don't know what to do..I know what I have to do..And that is seeing  if I can get my hours back at the group home..No  complaining..No arguing...suck it up and deal with the job I don't want at all...but I have to,survive..I have to be able to live...an  that is what it looks like it will have to be...I have no choice and that upsets me...all of it refuses to let the negative thoughts go away so slow down...all I think about right now is hiding or dying or hurting myself in someway..I hate feeling  like a failure..I hate feeling worthless because I can't keep,a job...I try to be a good person but I'm not...I'm just me and obviously that is something that I truly suck at..My entire life I've been told I'm not good enough...And when mommy slowed down on telling me..I continued it even more...And right now I have failed completely...And deserve to be punished for that..