logic

i reject any and all types of logic right now...my current thinking is..that if i get sick too then i will be sent to sarah...

there is nothing else to say or work out .. i know the logic in that is majorly flawed but my brain wont accept anything else..

throw a tantrum, pout, whine, cry...etc..hate everything, dont want help, hiding and isolating..it is a struggle to remain in a completely adult mind frame when fear and feeling alone is present ...

(wrote that last night and then fell asleep) 


my back is killing me..lower back..i dont know why but it is definitely hurting me today a lot...i was late taking my meds and im trying hard to curb some of my impulsive behaviors...i feel bad so lets go blow what little money i do have...or lets go eat everything and end up sick and in even more pain...dont go get razors just because i am upset and overwhelmed...the usual .. the constant battle to remain safe and calmish and in control...dont lose control ..so i recongized that i wanted to binge and so instead i made myself start cooking dinner instead of going out for fast food ...  some days i truly hate being aware of my own behaviors and knowing i have the tools to combat them..i guess im armed with a baseball bat or something and i have to constantly beat the thoughts back before they take over..im on the edge but i keep going one step back and one step forward...i havent gone over..but its a constant fight to stay where i am...im trying to work through my feelings and i feel like im writing a novel with all this journaling ...but i dont have any better ideas ..and i hate talking on the phone..mommy is being weird and i cant put my finger on why..but it is a strong feeling...she keeps saying she loves me and asks if i love her ..and why i dont talk to her and that she is there for me..stuff like that..stuff she rarely says ..and it is disconcerning...it puts me immediately on the defensive..and i wonder if she looked through my journals i had at home...it wasnt my main ones with the magnitudes of writing and thoughts and feelings..but there was some writing in them..and i just wonder if she read them while packing up my stuff..i didnt have them laying out or anything..but who knows...

sigh

this will be short as i think i will pass out soon.. i made sure that i will sleep tonight...im not going to die but i just want to sleep through the night you know..

ugh my thinking is being pushed into a really negative space and it is getting harder to pull myself away from it .. i just keep thinking about sarah and worrying and i cant see her..and i found out today that they are sending her to a hospital that is almost 3 hours away..that is a weekend trip...they are moving her tonight and so hopefully ill get a call once she is setttled into the new place..i hope she is ok.i wonder how long she will be there..i wonder when ill be able to see her..i miss her..the apartment is super quiet...and im afraid of things..my paranoia has kicked into high gear..and im a little on edge...im going tomorrow to get my meds filled...maybe ill go shopping ... i feel so guilty ...fighting to be ok and stay ok and do things that are fun while sarah is in the hospital...i know she would want me to be ok..but i still want to hide and do nothing and just sleep.i want to shut out the world..ignore everything and just stay home ..and hide ... and try to be safe..but there is more to life isnt there than that?  i know there is but im afraid to do things alone still...im still so afraid of the world ..and i feel like i dont fit in :(  the depression and anxiety and poor social skills causes me to feel like i dont fit in...i didnt go out with my co workers tonight because i am depressed..i didnt want to bring them down or have them concerned about my well being when everyone is trying to have a good time..so i stayed home...i had also taken percocet and i know not to drink or drive after taking those...sooo staying home was the plan ..i just wish i had felt strong enough to go..that i could have gone out and had a nice time..and i didnt ..i mean my coworkers know im having a hard time right now..and that im worried about my roommate..so not being there has been explained..but its just rough..its like i have to learn to be on my own..and im not feeling so confident about it..

but ok..ill go and watch netflix for a bit..maybe cartoons
i am safe..i havent hurt myself by cutting...i am eating to much of the wrong foods and took as extra sleep med tonight...but no cutting..but tomorrow is a new day...tomorrow i will try again ..

i dont know how i feel

right now i think i may be a little bit numb..i keep thinking i should be freaking out..destroying stuff..something..anything..and instead i am sitting here writing instead of reacting...i dont know how to react..i dont know what i want to do or say or think..right now i think all of it may be out of my realm of possibilities..maybe everything that has gone on has wiped out all feelings for forever...

sarah is in the hospital...she will be moved to a different hospital so the not knowing has me worried...struggling to get in contact with her..and being told a nurse would call me back and waiting and waiting had me frustrated to the max..but i finally talked to sarah a little bit ago and she filled me in... so she is safe and getting hellp...that is good.. i am happy she is safe and being cared for..im sad that she is alone..im sad i have to work.. im sad i dont know where she is going ...

im afraid because i am alone..for the first time in a really long time it is just me..and that has me feeling nervous..what am i supposed to do with myself ?  how am i suposed to take care of myself ?  there is always sarah ..its the two of us..against everyone else ..but right now i just feel lost and alone and vunerable..

its hard not being able to explain the severity of the situation..my work people know sarah as my roommate..so my continued worried and stress and things may seem out of place..not that it is there business but they dont know that sarah and i are together and so this for me is very serious..i worry that im being judged or something..i dont know..i worry im talking about it to much..maybe im trying to get support but feel like no one will care because she is just my roommate to them..maybe i am looking to deeply into something that is not really there.. my supervisor has been incredibly caring and supportive ... i know i am struggling...beginning to slip a bit as my thoguhts try to run away from me..i have to maintain control...  i keep thinking that i didnt try hard enough to help..that i didnt care enough..i just didnt do enough..and i was all out of ideas ... and then anitas voice jumps in and tells me its not about me..and i want to scream bloody murder... honestly i think im jealous..because sarah has so many more options than me when it comes to getting help..and i am jealous because things would look a lot different for me if i was in crisis..and i would have hospital bills piling up all around me...silly and stupid thing to be jealous over but i am...im an awful person...im walking that thin line between making things about me and keeping things about her...i want to be supportive and there and instead im worrying that i will need to stave off my own breakdown...i know right now im just overwhelmed and my thinking may be different in the morning..maybe not..but the situation wont chhange..but i cant let my thinking go off into left field..it takes so long to reel it back in...im unsure of myself ..im unsure of being alone...i spend a lot of time around other people these days and so time alone is a luxury..but now i have a little time and i dont want it...i would gladly have sarah back and just know she is here than to have the apartment to myself ...

my head is becoming a jumbled mess..i think laying down is a good idea..

i just want to hide in bed and pull the covers over my head and not be apart of the world for a little while ... thats all

struggling ..in weird ways

im having trouble figuring out what i want to say tonight..im trying to keep myself safe and it is a losing battle..im slipping and im stressed out


skip ahead a few hours ... ok like 3 hours

things ive done to avoid hurting myself

ive talked to sarah twice
ive talked to amanda
i texted D
i took meds for anxiety
i downloaded a new book
i packed my lunch for tomorrow
i od'ed on waffles
i cried
ive overthought everything - worst case scenario type things
ive played with kai
and im about to either watch netflix or work on late notes until i fall asleep.

.......

im disappointed in the hospital ... for not doing better.. for not helping...for sending a suicidal person home for the 2nd time...how do you try to get help and get turned away?  no i dont understand that at all ..

.....

i sat through the most depressing staff meeting ever today.. 2 and a half hours ... of 'when i did it we did it this way and it worked fine' type things..a lot of we are a team bullshit...that if we need help to just come and ask....really ??!!  because as i remember it..i asked all 4 of them for help and all 4 of them said no.. so team work my ass...i truly am just trying to make it through to the new year with this job... im not stressed out completely..but im trying to hang on and do my job...i know ive got to get on top of doing the notes though..but again we are so short staffed..and once again i may end up with 5 people tomorrow..who knows..i dont call out often..and i dont vacation often..i show up for work.. sick and having stomach issues and whatever..unless its super bad...but i freaking show up..i do what is asked of me ..without to much complaint...i try to help out as much as i can..but this job runs you ragged...it is tiring ..giving so much..on a regular basis..i feel like all i do is give and then there is nothing left for me...i dont know... my thoughts are sad tonight ..like im depressed but i cant reach that bleak moment and stay there..its like a fleeting thought that keeps returning.. i want to curse my meds for keeping me from slipping completely over the edge..? how does that make sense??

my head is starting to hurt so im going to go and lay down i think. 

sarah should be coming home sometime tonight from the hospital...

this week

i am just tired

closure

maybe i am the one that needs closure...i need to say goodbye..i need to acknowledge her..something..anything..

i actually asked mommy the other day about where nicole is buried..she said she knew of course..and told me the name of the cemetery and i promptly forgot..today i took the funeral program thing back out and actually read and paid attention to what i was reading...i know where she is buried..i dont know where she is at there but i know the name of the cemetery now.  its evergreens cemetery in new york.. information that i think i have dreaded finding out..and i feel overwhelmed and terrified..what is the next stepp?  do i even want to take the next step? well i have to figure out the next step...  i know i want to go and see her..see if i can find her..but they should have the records there..i will be able to find her...and that scares me senseless

docs and ugh

so i saw all three docs today...i dont know what i was thinking but i did it..

med doc...was fine mostly..she told me that i will be decreasing the anxiety med next month...which caused major anxiety and is not my choice..who the hell wants to deal with anxeity and not have help to calm down without freaking out...but she says ive been on it to long and i have to learn other ways to cope instead of relying on the medicine....ughhhhh

reg doc ..was highly embarrassing ..because i had to tell her that i am having some itching which prompted a exam i didnt want..but the itching sucks..so i let her take a quick look ..she asked me to try some over the counter stuff and see if it helps..and going commando when i go to bed..but i was honest about my current eating habits and why..and she didnt yell at me or anything..i know i need to do better and stop using food as punishment..because my stomach really is rebelling these days and im back to going to the bathroom alot...ive gained some weight ..which is frustrating but with my eating i knew i had..so awareness is there but the drive to make changes comes and goes.. again i ask myself the question of shouldnt i want to be better ?? and i still cant answer it...  (update though -  my a1c is down a whole point!! so i guess exercising a little bit and making some choices with my food has helped)  ..now i just to stop using food to punish myself...stop using it as a weapon..

the thing is...im afraid...not eating gluten..made me feel better..feel lighter some how..i was losing weight..i was exercising..i was paying attention...but then i realized it was working and i got scared..i dont think i identified it as being scared though..and so the first chance i got to sabotage i took it..and ran with it..i needed to punish myself..why am i so afraid..i know all the ins and outs of being eating..counting calories and carbs..exercising and all of it...ive dealt with not eating and overeating and binging and purging..ive done all of it..no i dont truly like myself or how i look..but changing...paying attention to my body is horrifying and so ill make progress and then go backwards...stop...pretend nothing is happening as i go back to destroying myself in unnoticeable ways...i cant handle it..stupid reasoning in my head once again...i dont want attention put on my body...i would rather i didnt even have a stupid body..

then i saw t and we talked about a lot of different things..it is so hard to talk about being adopted because it brings up so many hurt feelings..so many questions..did they look for me? did they want me? is it true that i have two sets of parents that dont want me ? and i wonder if they know about nicoles death..do they know where she is buried? have they been to visit her ?  i think of her and wonder if anyone has been to visit her..is she just by herself thinking no one remembers her..and i just feel guilty...guilty that i dont remember, that i keep trying to grieve for someone i dont know..what feelings are attached to my thoughts of her?  its like i dont know her but i do..ill always know her..and i do feel as if something is missing without her..it is hard..because next is the birthday..and its like why celebrate when she is died..and cant...ive tried all the "she wants you to be happy" thoughts and i just feel even more guilty..guilty for wishing she were here and then wishing she wasnt ..how would life have been different with her here...would things have been better?  would things have been safer? or would we have both been stuck in a life of pain and fear ? maybe she is better off not being here..maybe she is safer that way..but  i am still missing the only real piece of my family..my birth family.. i love my sisters and brothers..my niece and nephews..they are my family also...but its not the same .. sigh..i dont know how to explain...it just hurts thinking about it..it always hurts thinking about it and i feel so worthless ...

vacation

 spent this past weekend at nias and it was good to get away..sarah and curvon came.  we went to the movies, and the giant arcade, we went out to eat and shopping, we went to sweet frog and had family night. it was great.  it was busy. it was loud. but i still wish we could have stayed longer..next time it will be for longer! i think it will be christmas before we are able to visit again .  but we will see..

did i mention we had sweet frog ?!?!?!

i wish

i wish i knew what to do or say to calm the thoughts down..they are dark..full of guilt and blame and shame...anger and hurt..feelings of not being wanted by anyone..remembering that i am not wanted..feeling that i am not wanted...things i am supposed to keep to myself but i go and try to talk about it in therapy and i cant even get all of it out in one go..jumping around as thoughts come no structure..no balance..i regret saying anything at all ... but if not then this will keep happening..every year i will tinker on the edge of self destruction...every year it hits and every year it is awful..not talking about it hasnt worked...talking about it..well even just beginning to and trying to talk about it has left me reeling and unsteady..adoption, death, family, twins...so much in just a few subjects..topics that i avoid so very much..and now i bring them up and have to deal with the fallout from it...i dont like this...im going to try to go to sleep now..again...

not doing good tonight

my head is spinning...im feeling to much and trying to fight against all of it..my head hurts..and it feels like i am trying to turn off my brain but its not working.its going to short circuit itsself out..why couldnt i just keep quiet and not say anything ..but i brought up adoption and my sister today..and i knew it is upsetting but i didnt realize just how much..like i feel worse after therapy than i did before it..too many thoughts going in my head and i cant put them into words..i messaged sarah beefore heading home because my thoughts were all over the place and i couldnt focus..i was going to sit in the parking lot forever and think..sarah got me home..and i laid down and fell asleep. i didnt mean to go to sleep..im writing now to try to ease some of the anxiety and pressure in my head..i cant seem to process everything from therapy today..i barely remember it..and that frustrates me..im just going to go back to sleep for tonight..i know im not thinking clearly and i know i want an escape from myself..sleep is safe .

anniversaries..

it is the time of year again that i become consumed with the past.with thoughts of my sister..a person i dont remember or know but still i grieve for her.  it happened almost 30 years ago and still i can only wonder where she is buried, if my birth parents know, if anyone else remembers her. so many questions and no answers.  i cant even visit her if i wanted too..every year i wonder if this will be the year i ask mommy where she is buried so that i can visit her..and each year i dont do it..im afraid..im afraid that i will forget her permantntly. that without me trying so hard to remember her, she will just disappear..as if she never was.  i think growing up i was glad she had died so that she didnt have too experience what i was experiencing..i was angry that she left me alone and i had to experience it on my own..and i am guilty for killing her and then forgetting her. i should be punished..i feel like i should be punished for not remembering, for her not being here.i do punish myself still for these thoughts and feelings.

i have her obituary..i found it when i moved.  i knew i had it but cuold never remember where i had put it. i find it and often lose it again.  it must stay hidden though because im not supposed to have it..mommy would not be happy i guess to know that i have it..but finding it again a few months ago was like finding proof that she existed..that i am not making her up. she was truly here..and she died..she left me..

being adopted, having and losing her, and knowing who i am is all connected in some ways..i wonder about my real family i guess..i wonder how different my life could have been..i wonder how its possible to not be wanted by two different families..and i feel so alone..like i truly have never ever fit in..not even from the beginning..i wasnt wanted


i think that is enough for now.anxiety is rising quickly..

stressed

i truly think the stress of everything is causing my stomach issues to be worse again...ive been eating gluten yes but not a lot like a couple weeks ago...work stress..the world stress..am i safe stress..all of it..i dont know...i dont feel safe..

Lost time maybe

Im sitting here thinking about the past couple days..well trying to and my mind drifts..i forget...and just keep sitting..i feel off..this has been a really stressful week though..and maybe im trying to destress but i feel more anxious and out of it with each passing day...today feels worse than yesterday...im not sure what ive been doing..sarah keeps asking and i keep telling her i dont know or im not sure..i have to be doing something..time keeps passing...was i reading or playing cards...did i take a nap or watch netflix? I cant keep a consistent flow of  consciousness..it gets broken somwhow and then i hear the negative thoughts..yesterday it was crashing my car..today its drowning in the bathtub...like just thinking about them..doing them..but i cant stick to a plan..its like they keep slipping out of my grasp..i keep trying to find something to cling to and nothing is there..i tjink my coworker leaving as brought up abandonment issues...i told her i was mad at her for leaving ..thinking about it makes me tear up...i am an adult right? Why is tjis so hard..things are beginning to get down and all im doing is watching because I don't know whay to do...my head hurts really a lot..i think ive missed taking the meds for a couple days...i took  them today..my brain feels slow..my thinking is slow...im not mYself but i dont know where i have gone.

yesterday was a bad bad day at work

i kept getting yelled at ...all this week ive been getting yelled at for something ..stupid stuff...they are not letting us do our jobs... and it took a while to calm down the tears..and then i ended up frustrated again..and just couldnt focus on completing notes..i was on sign out yesterday..note to do..and was with the client who likes to flip over her wheelchair..they made me switch rooms and she was not happy and so i couldnt get anything done at all..i was a mess..i mean they are yelling at me because i let a client use all the stickers and im being wasteful..it was a client who hasnt been wanting to participate in anything..and finally she does something and they demand i take the stickers back..wtf...i didnt and she took her picture home...given i didnt give her all the stickers...she happened to be sitting with them and i was otherwise occupied and she kept adding things to her picture...because im not coming up with enough activities..because i let a client use a canvas with someone elses name drawn on it in pencil, that has been in there forever...i let a client color on a stack of construction paper and am again being wasteful..i do come up with activities..i have given her lists of supplies that i need..and have received nothing..but im told there is stuff upstairs...ok but im expected to stay with the clients and keep them busy and they hide activities upstairs and then swear we arent doing anything...yesterday was just too much :( i did get hugs from the two im trying to attach to..which did nothing to help the attachment issues but did make me feel a little bit better..im up now trying to work on missing notes...but again ..im feeling so down and upset that i just dont want to even show up...but i guess they would be expecting that...so ill show up...but the enjoyment is slipping away...im trying to be a team player..i do what im asked to do..and then some...and somehow i end up being yelled at...i dont understand it at all..and i hate that i started crying ..i left at 4 yesterday...no staying late for anything and i didnt finish my notes either..right now i dont care if im taken off the schedule..im tired .... and they will be the ones struggling with coverage...not me..i wont get paid ..but ill manage...  and i feel bad for even thinking that.... but yesterday i was feeling the urges to cut very strongly..i was really hurt and upset..and if im getting to that point then something is wrong...maybe this week is just a rough one...but im ready for friday at 4...i just want to go home..and stay home...

sarah totally made me feel better though because my new kindle showed up and i got to play with it..

blahish day

my stomach has not been happy today and i have not been nice to it at all so i am guessing that this qas going to happen and i would suffer for it...well i knew it would happen...as i caused it....but again i am convincing myself that i dont have to take out my anxiety or sad feelings or whatever with food...or eat foods i know make me sick so that ill be sick....am i lacking attention?  i went bowling at work on friday..and i was so hurt when no one told me good job..like really hurt..but when someone did..it was like the best thing ever....craving more attention..and still trying to attach to my coworkers...i hope my stomach settles a bit before i have to go to work tomorrow...ugh..but ill be testing all day tomorrow so i wont even be on the floor..but being stuck in a hot office and bored to death with not make tomorrow any easier...but hey no note writing if im not with the clients..and for that i am happy..i finally see anita tomorrow..and prolly have to make a stop at the store before coming home...and tuesday is sarahs birthday...and noa called me today to ask if i would take her to see the trolls movie :)  i swore she said train museum lol..but that will be something we can do when i go down there...i cant wait..my thoughts are a bit jumpy tonight and i really wish the weekend was a bit longer...i packed my lunch for tomorrow already...a sandwich, chips, grapes, and fruit snacks...good and simple...i eat so much better during the week than on the weekends but lately all my eating is kinda bad in that im eating stuff with wheat in it...and that is going to have to stop because it is making me sick...like bathroom accidents sick..and im beginning to feel miserable with all of it..im gonna go lay down for a little bit ...feeling antsy for some reason...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
~ Marianne Williamson"

wow wow wow

this week has been ridiculous !!  work has been crazy...like someone contaminated the water crazy...ugh..i was so freaked out on tuesday because one of the clients had a seizure and i responded first ..and he is ok..but i just worry so easily...

today was a better day at work though..this weather is irking my nerves because its so so so hot and sticky and humid and gross..and i get so cranky when im hot..i dont mean to be but im just not comfortable ..

but the coolest thing ever is that ive found the computer i want to get sarah...i cant show her mine because its like the one she is getting ..im going to pick it up on friday..im pretty proud of myself for being able to get me a computer for work stuff and sarah a computer for her birthday...im proud of myself for working ...and having money and being able to pay things..and this month is also involving a trip to south carolina..and everything...so yep pretty cool stuff going on.

its hard though at the same time some days...my mood is all over the place and ive been sleeping a lot...i want to talk to anita but i wont see her until monday..im trying to be patient and not call her or bother her..i keep telling myself i can manage ... i hope..still using food as a weapon against myself and as a result my stomach is more often than not upset these days..i want to join the rec center that we go to with work..and go and walk the track in the evenings or something..its a small place so maybe i will look into it..

Wow things have changed

I truly like this picture of myself... I can say that with feeling immense hate..without thinking about everything wrong with myself...

When I took the picture I was in an ok mood..i was at work..playing around iñ the bathroom while waiting for a coworking..nothing special going on..

As I posted the picture on facebook..i realized I actually liked it...no strings attached..i still feel a bit detached from it though and I guess that might be odd..i mean it's a picture of me..but at the same time the connection is not there..maybe I just made this so confusing lol

Ok I like the picture..thats the overall message .

Headaches and stuff

I'm trying so hard to use my coping skills and not give in to any urges....the weiģht on me seems to be lifting a little bit but I'm still worried about anita..and struggling with my thoughts...physically I be been sick a bit and I don't know what's causing it..but my stomach is not happy and I'm feeling nauseous during the day..im trying to take things one day at a time...but I'm really glad tomorrow is friday.

Broken

I want to just lay my head down and sleep...no more thinking .. no more anything..im sad..worried..upset..wanting  so very to hurt..to cry..to scream..my thoughts are racing but I shouldn't take any more meds...i found out today..i couldn't see anita..next week is a holiday on my usual,day..and so I am feeling everything...well I'm still to,drugged to feel anything but I know they are there..i have to be safe and all I want to do is destory..im worried about anita..something could have happened...amd she's mad at me and i,can't fix it and it makes me feel so anxious..i have to fix it..but I am left craving attention that I can't have. My thinking goes back and forth.. I'm tired..im hiding from myself..i want quiet as the noise in my head increases..i don't want to go to work tomorrow..im not happy I'm sad...i don't want to be around anyone..my routine is broken. I push away the thoughts and things until I forget them....i have to get through the next two weeks...how can I do that when all I want is to be alone..I  want comfort but won't accept it for fear of breaking down..the pressure builds on my head and in my chest and there  is not a safe release valve...i must be quiet..i must survive..i just want to sleep as my thoughts become darker and I'm more afraid of myself and there is no escape. No break..just never-ending thoughts...a constant battle to stay one step ahead of myself and not give in to any of the urges  .. I want an escape from mYself but no,pills are strong enough...sleep is all,i,have...

Super upset with myself

When I say I don't care and eat whatever I want..i truly don't care..and because of that I've gained back weight I had lost..ugh..and my stomach hurts for my trouble...blah

attention...

I am beginning to think that the whole fiasco with anita and the paperclip is because I'm not getting enough attention...im going out of my way to do stupid things and get sick again and just ugh...im not feeling good today at all...my stomach is bothering me a lot and I am once again saying that I will stop eating gluten....its harder this time around to stop..because I want so much of what I couldn't have before and things ive missed being able to have..but feeling this and gross is not worth it..and I'm getting frustrated with myself for doing it..i cant have it both ways...I really cant .. and my stomach is revolting my past eating habits horribly...so ill stop again...I truly will...I hate feeling like this...

but back to the attention thing...it has taken to me like almost 3 weeks to figure out that I don't feel like I'm getting enough attention..that I took the paperclip partially for attention...partially because sometimes I just cant stay in adult mode and want everything and anything..and telling me no is not something I understand in that frame of mind...but I kept and now I totally have anitas attention..good heavens I have it...but I keep going back and forth between it being upsetting because I cant explain why I did it..to just feeling completely vindicated because its mine and she cant have it back...I don't know..the whole thing is a confusing mess in my head..but really with work my attention is on everyone else and not me..there is always so much going on..im there..i do my job nd that's it...ive been avoiding sarah is some ways because I wasn't comfortable around her evening aide and so I have been spending a lot of my evenings alone reading, or sleeping, or just wasting time away..i feel alone..and I guess I'm not getting much feedback from work ..so its just maybe I am feeling forgotten ... unimportant..wanting to do something to get some sort of attention..i don't know..right now I'm feeling to miserable to even consider cutting but I think that has been one of my ways to have attention....not intentionally..but the end result was more attention...im trying hard to figure out the paperclip thing...

how it relates to anything or nothing....yes mommy constantly took things from me growing up or wouldn't let me have the same stuff as my brothers and sisters...I was quickly told I'm to old for toys or I need to grow up...yes I have issues with stealing and wanting to be like everyone else...or wanting to manage and fit in some way...a paperclip isn't making me like anyone but for some reason I wanted it ...my thinking changed and it wasn't until she asked for it back that I suddenly wanted it and refused to give it back...

sometimes I really truly hate the way my head works and thinks ...it makes no sense ... still trying to put the pieces together of a mind that makes no sense ...

Sooo

I'm waiting for dinner to finish cooking so I guess I'll write a little bit

My stomach is bothering me  today..no idea why though.. but it's not fun...

I got a small air mattress yesterday and woke up this morning without my back hurting me..i also slept away the entire morning! I  didn't mean to but I guess I was really really tired..

I'm off on Monday but I have Doc appts to go to...yuck...so I'll still have a pretty busy day... My job did get my background check back and asked me about it..luckily I wasn't fired but the worry about waiting for them to say something about it is gone...i know they have it.i know I wasn't fired..so for now that is all good..come August I'll only have one more year of it being on my record...well background...but I like my job..its tiring but i like it.

I have to start planning for Sarah's birthday and the trip to see noa and then my birthday trip... and then I probably won't go anywhere until Christmas.  That's the plan anyway. 

Struggling

I'm having a hard time right now..im struggling to stop using food as a weapon...its making me sick as and I feel miserable and am hurting...i did it on purpose...and now I'm paying for my choices..at the time I was impulsive. I didn't care..i wanted to be sick..i was angry and hurt..about somethings going on and took it out on myself...and the last couple days I've been miserably sick and feeling off...i know better ..and still I make the choice to take my feelings out on mYself...why can't I learn to not do that... :( I gotta get ready for work...but I'm feeling nauseous..

Life's obstacles

Well  My kindle is working again..so I can write and see what I'm actually writing...

This has been a depressing week.. Well last week has been depressing...Sarah had a death in her family...I had a death in my family that leaves me questioning my own stability ...they are saying he overdosed...mommy and nia had just   spent time with him..he had said he was going to get his life together..stop drinking...only to die a couple days later...last year my nephew committed suicide...both of their actions make me fear my own thoughts...Will i  reach a point where I truly am convinced that nothing is worth it...I often feel things aren't worth it but not to the extent that I have in the past..does that mean I'm getting better?? I cut last weekend and I haven't done it again but the thoughts are there..I'm not concerned about trying to kill myself..but I am just left questioning why..to all of it...I am safe..Just really sad...

Work has been stressful as we are still so short staffed ..And so the amount of clients we each have is high..And I'm falling behind on the notes...Ugh..  hate that..I'm starting to put money aside  to get a computer so I can get my notes done...there are only two computers at the office..so having my computer will make it easier...And then I can work on them little bits at home too..but gotta save first..

I'm really hoping my stuff from home will be brought to me at the end of the month..I'm trying not to have to spend more money on another air mattress...the current one is losing air so fast..I end up waking up often to reinflate it  only to have the air come right back out..Thanks to little cat,sized holes in it...I'm trying hard to make it..I don't mind sleeping on the floor but it hurts my back...sleeping on a not fully inflated air mattress kills my back too..so for now I am just hoping..

My stomach is bothering me today...And I was throwing up last week...hopefully it passes and my stomach calms down...I hate not feeling good...it sucks...I'm slowly becoming better with the gluten free stuff...I'm finding alternatives and stuff..And like with everything else there is gluten free junk food...And i have days where all I want to eat are cookies..I'm working to stop drinking soda again..hard battle...And it kinda really sucks...but I know drinking the empty calories aren't helping anything ..And the sugar content is awful..so yeah..things to work on..I did get a new meter from the doc so I am checking my sugar again at least..

Hmm ..haven't been sleeping the greatest..bad dreams...that sucks too..

Kai is really funny and steals my food...right as I'm looking at him..he took my whole container of rice from the Chinese place and carried it  from my room to the living room..the box of course was covered in little teeth marks and holes!!...

Ok I'm off to finish cooking ..And maybe taking  bubble bath...I've been reading  a lot too..I was able to get a couple books I really wanted...so I'll be busy some...an  Tuesday we are going to the movies at work...so that will be fun.

I'm alive..I'm sorta healthy and happy..so things are    overall   good but there is a layer of sadness to everything currently...

Will I have to live in fear?

I woke up this morning to news of a mass shooting in Orlando...when I woke up it was at 20 dead...now hours later it is at 50 dead...And many injured...it is heartbreaking to see the news and know all of these lives have been lost to hate...all the families who will have to worry about burying loved ones and the families who have no news of their children's whereabouts....what fear that must be..to see the news and know your child could have been there...

Each time there is a shooting I am saddened and become more afraid...schools, church, homes, train stations,movie theatre's, and now a gay nightclub....this is happening  r the world..every few months the world ends up praying for the victims of a shooting..a mass crime..bombs..No where feels safe...in my mind this was a hate crime..all of them are hate crimes...people and dying for being out and having fun..And I don't understand why..I don't understand what the reasoning behind it is..I want to understand but the shooter is dead...if he was still alive would they say he was mentally ill? Because of his name  is he a terrorist?? What reasoning  Will be fed to the masses about what has happened..

It is sad...depressing..I want Nothing to do with this world..the actions of a few can destroy the outlook for many...I know now is a time to focus on the positives but I am afraid...if I go to the store wil I make it home alive? If I travel? Do I need to watch everyone? Wonder about their intentions? Will I ever truly feel safe?? Will I wonder if I will be hated on sight because of my skin color, my life choices, my mental issues...should I have to be afraid??

Today is another sad day for the nation...for the world...for me...

Day 1....yet again

How many times do I have to fall just to have to get back up again...I don't know how long it was without cutting but today is day 1 again..And I'm frustrated with all of it..things have been stressful lately and I know there are other coping skills but yesterday...yesterday's feelings were the tipping point..I want so much to be accepted..liked...And I know Sara's family doesn't acknowledge me..but I guess hearing plans being made to visit specifically when I am not here just hurts..My feelings are hurt an  I can't stop thinking about not being good enough..I don't fit in my own family..My birth family gave me away..And now Sarah's family wants nothing to do with me..I feel rejected in a major way..I try so hard and still can't manage ..I'm tired..I'm sad...I know it is out of my control but the thoughts and feelings that have been triggered are alive and well :(

Sinking ship

I'm tired and cranky a bit today...My feeling  are hurt over something I thought I was managing..but I guess not...I know I'm not accepted by Sarah's family...not all but most..And it just hurts that her grandmother went out of her wH to make sure I wouldn't be here when she came to visit..I already have so many issues involving wanting to be accepted and feeling important...Just to once again be ignored and avoided..it's like I'm not even here...I'm a glossed over w accessory that will be thrown away with enough time I guess...it hurts and makes me incredibly sad...

:) today

Today was one of the best days Ive had in a while. I am content.. happy.. relaxed..

Sarah and I spent the day together.. I guess Anita was right in that we need a go out and have fun day...and it was a fun day..slept in..read a book..went to lunch at my favorite restaurant.. and I got my chicken sandwich without the bun and it was just as good!...and then we went out for ice cream..and we talked and goofed off and just had a good time..we even sat outside and talked to a neighbour while I got my hair braided...and we spent some alo e time together and I even managed to  get in a little more reading in..

I'm off tomorrow and looking forward to another good day.

rough week

this has been a really really long and tiring week...work drained me majorly and i think the stress i was feeling from that made me stomach upset a couple days last week..i dont know...im trying to be careful with what i am eating of course...im randomly finding things to try though..this week it is chocolate chip muffins...i hope they are good, gluten free of course...i really hate how expensive the grocery bill has become..that is frustrating all by itsself...

but i saw the doc last week and im doing well on that front...ive lost 13 pounds since my last doc appt in april...so i guess it was maybe 3 weeks or so..i feel different..in some ways..i certainly dont have any more energy...but i guess im feeling better bodywise..its hard to explain..

work was hard in that..there is staff not showing up and not calling out....its rough with only 3 staff with the clients...especially when it is supposed to be 6 of us...busy and then havin staff arguing and yelling in front of the clients was awful and made me so tense and upset and it was sucky...im assuming the girl who didnt show will be fired which takes us down to 4 staff.and thats if everyone comes to work...ugh..so last week was just long and tiring..  i am excited though that we are going to the zoo on monday...ive never been to the zoo in richmond so it will be a fun trip..

i am noticing that i do not have a lot of down time to myself anymore...im not coloring or writing or anything really...i sleep and maybe cook..and help sarah..and that is my life..there is no time for anything else..and it is beginning to make me feel on edge ..like i just cant get enough time to regroup and calm down .. and get some of the pressure out of my mind..i feel like im overloading and there is not a release valve anywhere to be found...i still havent found a balance yet between work and home..and most days im to tired to even care ..but i am noticing it..and am aware of it..so i guess thats something...

that is all there is to talk about since im yawning and of course want to go to sleep..today has gone by really fast though...i did go to the grocery store today and tomorrow i have got to do laundry..or ill really have nothing to wear! 

Am I OK?

I am OK? I think I'm OK...I feel OK..but I don't trust that I'm OK...

A busy week

 working all week and trying to be active in the evenings is hard for me...I wake up around 5:30.my alarm is set for 6..I work all day and get home around 5..cook..eat..and fall asleep..that is my day..add in therapy and last week i had to get off early to do first aid and cpr..I'm just tired...I am way more active..and I'm trying different gluten free foods...some junk food...but I don't think I'm over doing it..OK yesterday and this morning I ate way to much Chinese food.. but I've found that Chinese doesn't make my stomach hurt... so every two weeks I do splurge on Chinese...I made the mistake to eat rice a roni last week..made me sick..so on one hand I know I have a gluten intolerance for sure..and on the other I'm sad because I'm giving up so much...I'm slowly getting braver with trying new stuff..like I got gf bread and pizza today.. I'm having to try things to see if I like them...I've learned gf cornbread is OK but not great.. where as gf biscuits are great. The major down side is that all the gf stuff is so expensive.. the grocery bill has doubled thanks to my gf food..and I try hard not to make Sarah eat all gf stuff you know...so a lot goes into getting groceries...

 Work has been going fine..just busy..each day is definitely different.. and I know that a couple days the depression made being at work very hard..but I managed..I guess..I do have notes to finish tomorrow and take in ..but I'm off Monday because of doc appointments...

It took a few days to kind of regroup from mothers day..it was rough and I was sad and unhappy...I didn't cut.. though for a while I really wanted to. I think I'm becoming to busy to totally focus on things feeling bad..who knows ..I'm just glad I feel OK today..

Things other wise are OK I guess..nothing major going on..I'm still working to get used to my schedule.. but that just takes time.
I know I do need to make a little more time for writing.. I miss it..

Mother's day

A day that fills me with fear and dread...I feel so angry..so sad..so hurt..so forgotten... my thoughts are going crazy and I'm fighting to stay present and grounded.

I didn't sleep so great last night...I wake up feeling as if my world has ended... all night I just kept thinking and remembering ... I remember the fear..the threats to leave me and kill me..the hitting and yelling and comparing... but I don't remember love...or nice words..no hugs..I don't remember feeling wanted...or liked..I remember wishing to die..

All these years later.. I don't feel that much has changed..I am working to become stronger and still the thoughts incapacitate me.. my thoughts are dark and very hurtful...I'm worried that I will cut just for some release... there is no where for the thoughts to go..so they stay in my head and take over...

I sent her a card and I hope she got it in time or I'll be in trouble.. I'm to Afraid to just ask her...in a little while I'll have to call her and be happy when I'm incredibly close to tears...

 I don't like mothers day...I really don't.. I can't deal with what it beings up

Just a thought from work

I really wish people could understand that calm body language and patience goes a lot farther than yelling...they may have disabilities but they are not stupid...I hate that..I had to explain to a coworker today that I repeatedly kept answering the same question for one client because it helped keep him calm..I didn't yell at him or have to chase him like the coworker did...I told him that it didn't bother me to answer the same question over and over..it wasn't stopping me from doing my work.or hurting me in anyway...I don't want power over anyone else..I'm there to help and make sure they are safe and have fun...not to yell at them...I hate that many in this field don't know that..it makes me sad...

On edge

Things are moving very fast and I am nervous and anxious about it...I have to go get my fingerprints done and her my other paperwork done..I see Anita tomorrow and with work starting possibly very soon I don't know how to be able to see her and not seeing her may send me into a tail spin..I have doc appts and stuff to figure out and I'm feeling really overwhelmed ..plus Sarah has a new agency starting tomorrow..new people.. becoming comfortable with someone being here all day...after 2 months of just us...and now there will be someone else and it makes me nervous and sad...I will have to wait another couple weeks to get my stuff from nc... and I just want my stuff at this point..I may end up having to get an air mattress... sleeping on the floor is not fun...I want to hide ..isolate...too many things are changing..I should be happy right? Why am I not happy? I just want to have immense quiet...with no expectations...

Busy busy days

Yesterday was super busy and tiring as I was moving stuff...we are in the new apartment though :) it is a truly nice feeling to feel safe after so much moving around and not really having a steady home...And now against everything thrown at me and Sarah..we have an apartment..it is exciting and scary...

Plus I've been offered a job...a perfect job ! M - f ...at a day support program... I have  to go and pick up the packet of info to fill out and get my finger prints and stuff done..before I can start...but I did it..I got a job...hopefully my background issue won't end up with me getting fired and that makes me so nervous...but I'm can't worry about it now...I have to wait and just see and pray that I can keep this job...

Unpacking and stuff today..but gotta go to the other apartment to get the cats and bring over some little things...

But things are seriously looking up and it makes me so very nervous...I'm afraid something will take it all away :( but I'm working to enjoy these days.

Thoughts

For the first time in weeks/ months my stomach isn't bothering me....I did not spend yesterday running back and forth to the bathroom..all this time..I can see from two and three years ago in old Facebook posts that I've been having stomach issues for a long time...And it has sucked royally...And for my doc to ask about what I'm eating..because I always swore up and down that my eating doesn't change..but it was what I've been eating...what I've always eaten..And its more than just being like it's not healthy...it was literally sending me to the hospital...this may,be the hardest thing ever..And I feel so stupid for not considering this sooner ..but this is like the ultimate self care for me...this is truly having to figure out how to work with my body and try to save it without hating it at,the same time..it is different and hard but as I told my doc..  am sick to death of being sick..

How things are going..

This weekend will be one for flat out relaxing as next week is going to be incredibly busy!

Kai got fixed yesterday and he is doing well..lots of cuddling and laying with me...I can tell he is taking it a bit easy..he is younger than I thought though...the docs peg him at 7 months and I was saying he is 9 months because I was told he was born in August...but he was awfully small when I got him at the beginning of Oct...so maybe he is a bit younger..I'll make his birthday around my birthday :)

I finally got the change of address form submitted...I did forget to go and get my meds yesterday ..so I'll have to get them on Monday..

Went grocery shopping yesterday and looked for the gluten free options ..at first I wasn't seeing any and was starting to get overwhelmed..but I was able to slow down and figure out what little sign I was looking for..And found more things..I got a lot of fruits and some veggies and stuff..some popcorn chips and I even got some waffles..it is going to be a learning experience for sure...but I had an almost normal stomach day yesterday...I'm so nervous that this won't work and I'm trying not to get my hopes to high..but I'm working on sticking with it..

I was able to close out my storage unit yesterday..And got that stuff moved to the apartment..so now we have to work on  finishing up packing Sarah's stuff and the plan is to move her stuff on Wed morning..

And I have an interview next week..on Tuesday ..at 10am.
.a full time position..m -f ...I really want this job!!

So I guess things are going ok ...surprisingly.. a bit stressful but ok..

big eating changes

i am terrified of the changes i have to make to my diet...im scared that i have no idea what i am doing...i am beginning the process of taking gluten and dairy out of my diet...im having so many stomach issues that  i will gladly do it...but its taking away a lot of stuff that i eat on a regular basis..and that is scary...i know there are a lot of gluten free options but im not big on trying new things..and for right now im going to go back to what i know and am comfortable with..as i learn more about this...diary isnt so hard as i know there is dairy free butter..i can live without milk and cheese ... but the gluten part..that one is just daunting..no bread..no processed stuff..boring old fruits and vegetables .. meats are ok to eat..seafood..but not fried..corn stuff is ok ..and im suddenly glad that i like grits...im tryin to go slow but i know i will just stop eating the stuff as much as i can..and see if it helps...

Something is wrong with my stomach

May end up back  at the er because  of my stomach issues...trying to stick it out and call my doc tomorrow..but since Saturday things have been pretty bad...I don't know what to do really

kicked while already down...

if this was a battle...then today i lost and lost big time...

mommy - 1
me - 0

im not sure i can find the words to truly express how badly i am feeling right now...my thoughts have gone downhill and are sitting at the bottom of this hole and i see no way out...im tired..my head hurts..and i feel lost ...i know i shouldnt believe her but i was already feeling a bit vulnerable from therapy and so talking to her and having her just i guess attack me in a way just made it all worse...she got me twice today ...and it is to much to deal with...im tired of fighting..and i asked her to stop because i was feeling stressed out and she didnt ..it was like i didnt even say anything..

according to her ..i need to stay in the closet...plan on moving out of sarahs in a year..dont make myself comfortable ... brought up old things that have been said to me..brought up my failures at my jobs and with living arrangements..my messy car...my inability to pack and clean and organize...all of it...if i can be so secretive with my family then i need to be just as secretive with everyone else...over and over ..i get this advice from her..and its like she doesnt care...no one cares in my family ..but as long as i keep up the pretense that i work with sarah then she is happy...nothing more can be said..i dont trust her or nia..and it feels like i do need to go back to keeping secrets ..because otherwise im doing something wrong...she says she doesnt care about my lifestyle and in the same breath tells me not to let anyone know..that what goes on behind closed doors is my business ...and not to mix business and personal...and that people will talk and say i am taking advantage of sarah ... and that im doing something wrong...i keep feeling like i am doing something wrong when im not...im truly not ...but i am fed the same arguments over and over...what part of im movin in with sarah is not clear?  why would i plan to move in a year if ive said im living with her? why am i going to make new plans now that dont include her ?  i feel like i will be forced to distance myself ... because i cant seem to win at this... i feel like im being pushed away in some ways because im not good enough..i dont fit in well enough..because im not following her commands as well as i once did ... does she ever think that maybe i need support to? or that i know being in a relationship takes work but every time i turn around im told to keep it quiet ...to leave..to move .. to date other people...over and over that is what i hear and it wears on me...not to make me leave sarah but just makes me tired and depressed and suicidal because it is so much to fight against..so many thoughts to fight against and sometimes i dont feel like i have any fight left...today i have nothing left...i cant think...and cutting is at the forefront of my mind..because i dont know any other way to ease this stress...because i feel like im worthless..not good enough ...a total waste of space..not accepted or even wanted...never wanted or liked  or loved..because im just a horrible person and should die anyway ... that was the plan  away..all those years ago ... just die and get it over with..and now all these years later i still have that same thought

emotional breakdown in progress

fighting for this stage in my life

something has been on my mind for the past couple weeks...ive been thinking hard about something and i just couldnt put my finger on what it was....yesterday after yet another conversation with mommy and sarah had a conversation with one of her case managers and i realized that we are both being questioned to death about this choice we are making ...and it is upsetting me in a way...it is stressful and overwhelming to always have to explain why..and defend the decision..and just not have people be happy for us..either separately or together...

i talked to sarah yesterday and she was upset and crying and i told her that i had decided no one would be taking this happiness away from me...and i realized in that moment that i truly meant it...that this move has been a long time coming and i dont want to be made to doubt myself or the decision...we made the choice together..we will be living there together..not with everyone who feels the need to share there opinions about the apartment or anything else...and im holdin tightly to the thought that this is a good move..this is what we need..we are always better together..we have talked about the pros and cons...we have talked about the changes that need to be made ...we have talked about ALL of it...and still people doubt..but no one is offering any help...except mommy and im paying for that!

the thing is that i am finally in a place right now where i am feeling accepted...almost happy even some days...and it is a feeling that i dont want to have go away...in the past almost three years ..i have been homeless more than once ..in bad living situations..without jobs..without a car...and now ..finally now things are beginning to look up and ill be damned if i have anyone take that away..its not fair...its my life..and im happy with the choices i am currently making...believe me i have made some really bad choices in the past but i am still alive...i have learned even if i didnt want to learn...i learned..and now..finally now i am able to say that my current choice is one that truly makes me happy and lets me feel at peace...and the fact that a lot of people are doubting us makes me want to scream...we are both adults the last time i checked..capable of making decisions..why do people think that they get to force their opinions....

so screw all of them...i can deal with mommy with sarahs help...and sarah can deal with all her loud opinionators with my help....

but i am determined to see this through..its not for anyone else...its not to make anyone else happy...its like ive struggled for so long and no one really knows that ..but sarah does know..and she has stayed by my side...we have managed to make things work in the face of everyones opinion...and we are still together...has no one figured it out yet ???

im learning...that i have to make choices for me..and my happiness ... and i dont want to let anyone ruin it for me...i dont...

Sick

Heyy
I have been pretty quiet , ended up going to the ER yesterday bout the chest pain because it got worse... I'm not having a heart attack....luckily...gave me pain meds and sent me home..said it was maybe a pulled muscle or something...on top of having major stomach issues..it's been a crappy couple days..literally..I'm reduced to saltines, soup and ginger ale...I did eat a pbj a little while ago and my stomach is not happy..I'm just worn out from it all. A lot of time laying down..going to try to get the pain meds filled tomorrow. Maybe they will help...I just,feel crummy.And gross ..

Feelings

Stuck in my head...sad thoughts and feelings..cranky..irritable..quiet..wanting to have silence..distancing myself..some thoughts of harming..Just feeling off..very unsettled and tense..can't relax ..overwhelmed..tearful..sorry for being me..headaches and not wanting to eat..angry..down..I'm feeling invisible...lost and alone...lonely..tired..exhausted..I don't know

So much in my head

I really wish I could listen to music right now..but I can't so I'll try to write and not get lost in my thoughts.... the depression is getting bad again...I feel tired..I feel off..I feel like crying...I feel down...really down...I'm at home we are leaving Saturday morning..it's storming currently so leaving now would have sucked anyway...mommy was only around for a few hours and still I got overwhelmed, defensive, upset...but she is out of town now and still I can't seem to relax...I don't know

But good news for a.change..I have a place to live

A real address...an apartment with Sarah...soon we will have more privacy...more space..And we will be together...we would out for sure yesterday..the lease will be signed on April 1st...And then I'll be back on Richmond for good by May,1st... finally

Kai is doing good..he has grown a lot !! But he still remembers me..he is such a good cat...super energetic but good...And bounce is super chill And good

Well

My anxiety has been increasing lately...I'm worrying about a lot of things and its happening more at night.. and then I end up having trouble sleeping.. I did start back on the wellbutrion today...at a lower dose than I was before...so will see how it goes.. I'm a little nervous because I don't remember how I handled taking it last time or what side effects popped up if any...so I'm trying to be careful...
I'm still having stomach issues and that just depresses me...my stomach is back to constantly hurting...and going back and forth to the bathroom is a pain...I hate it...

Not feeling so great

My stomach is acting up again...back to being a gross mess from multiple bathroom trips...I'm worn out...and feel weak like my body is going to give out...I'm tired and can't sleep but I did take a nap earlier... I feel awful that I'm just laying around and can't hold on to energy enough to get anything done...I feel nauseous and my stomach seriously hurts...and I'm just sick of looking at the bathroom.. OK whining over with.. I'm just gonna lay back down

Things

Today and yesterday have been really long days...busy days..And I'm not sure if I am completely processing things...we talked to the case manager about me being here into  the new agency is in place..And it is a big responsibility...a big thing to do...I have to be careful that I don't get burned out or startt to feel so tired that I no longer want to help...I guess that means I just need to do self care and not keep things bottled up...I have to be idealistic about what I can do and not try to be super woman and move heaven and earth to get things done...I'm not doing it to be recognized or anything..I agreed to stay way back when things started to look sketchy...I am here ..I will,stay...its just I feel bad for needing space at times or having  mood issues and shut down..or being a spazz and crying for some unknown reason..ughh..it will work out...it has too..it's going to. I have to be confident..I'm trying to be confident and not dwell on things mommy tell me...My life is slowly becoming more stable....I feel safe at Sarah's...I have a small steady paycheck...soon we will be moving..around may...Im  going to get kai in a couple weeks and bringing him back with me..much to bounces horror...I really need to get kai fixed..essh...I'm going home with Sarah for a couple days to get kai and all of that...

I'm feeling more or stable ground I guess...the depression has eased a bit...things don't look so bleak right now...I'm trying...I think I'm looking for validation...Maybe that's what it...Just reassurance that I'm doing ok...that I'm making good choices...that I don't need to be afraid...I don't know...

Some days I just get so tired of being me...

Had a falling out again with mommy..I knew the peace wouldn't last...I'm just left feeling so left out and worthless..I'm really down..And so very tired..

I'll  be restarting a med either Friday or Monday...Maybe it will  help lift me out of this overwhelming depression..it hurts to talk..to engage..I want to be alone but that's not possible..I was honest with Sarah about wanting to cut..but I haven't done it...the desire is there but the energy to go through with it is not...

I've been reading a lot today..trying to keep busy..bounce has been close to me a lot..Sarah to..I'm just struggling and I hate it...

a lot of changes

im not even sure where to start on the amount of things that are changing....ill be moving back to richmond before october and living with sarah...we are apartment hunting now...that is a happy happy set of news that i will be able to move back and find another job up here..vs lookin for one in nc..i will miss haning out with courtney and marley and the boys but yea i do better away from home...im still working on becoming more self sufficient..im working and slowly am able to see ow ill be able to save...right now money is needed for moving ..and once that is taken care of i will save for a new computer and then for the trip in sept to Illinois ...

things got bad with the aides and the company last week and so they are gone now...but that means i am here...and being here doesnt bother me...im still really upset that it was assumed that i would be here and able to do the stuff that needs to get done...i told sarah i would stay until the aide thing is worked out...but this past week as exhausted me...in so many ways...a lot of angry feelings...

mommy is still being nice when i talk to her...no pushing or talks about what im eating or not eating or where my money is going ... so that is good but weird...im still waiting for the other shoe to drop you know...but its been a little over a week and things are still civil...

i did ask to see the med doc though and we are going to look at my medicine on monday and make some changes...im nervous about that..i hate med changes ..but what im on now isnt really working ... and have been feeling more suicidal and stuff..so looking at them will be a good idea.

i do miss kai and hopefully will get to see im soon..but i know mommy and courtney are looking after him for me....

im working hard to use my coping skills.  ive been coloring a lot and even went for a walk one evenin when i was royally pissed off...i havent been cutting or anything

i am feeling a little down today so i am taking it easy...

Angry

Very very angry and struggling to calm down...took some meds and am finally able to think a little bit more calmly.. did some  writing and listened to music ..but still angry...

One of Sarah's aides has been yelling at her and she didn't show on monday and now she has pretty much quit..but the supervisor has only talked to the aide and is coming on Monday to see and talk to Sarah about what is going on...the aide has been waiting till I'm not around to say things.to Sarah and that pisses me off..the fact that the supervisor is saying it was a miscommunication pisses me off..the fact that the aide is taking personal days tomorrow and Monday and no back up person is being sent pisses me off...I'm sick of them assuming that I'm  here and will do it...the supervisor said nothing about someone coming in....

I am so angry and frustrated and they really all must think I am stupid..or have forgotten that I have a degree and I've done in home and personal care...I know what is supposed to  happen and this company is failing miserably...they have made one to many excuses now...I won't let it continue...

I wish I was good enough

My looks are something to be ashamed of...everything about me is shameful and embarrassing..I'm not pretty enough or thin enough..I'm not active enough..I don't take care of myself...it's hard taking care of something I hate..And the question I guess is who taught me to hate everything about myself...destroy the thing you hate..I sit in silence and agree that I'm not good enough..that I need to be better...I may as well agree that I'm worthless and no matter how hard I try I'll never manage to be enough...so why bother..

i feel as if something is wrong

Im feeling down..pressured i guess..i didnt go home this week because of the weather ... mommy has been calling and just questioning the life out of me..and i end up more stressed out and upset and defensive...she keeps making it seem as if i am doing something wrong by staying with sarah..like in some way she is making me sick...somehow i am getting in the way...using up all of sarahs stuff...that im not wanted and need to just stay out of the way...things that fill my head with doubt and tears and sadness and anger all at the same time ..and i dont understand why she tries so very hard to make me doubt myself...to question what i am doing..its not fair ... my little bits of happiness become overshadowed and i wonder if i am in the way..if i am doing something wrong and i hate it...being at home is causing a lot of stress..the pressure to just be better is there..everything i do is watched and i feel like i cant do anything right...i was actually told not to apply for a job at family dollar because its somehow beneath me to work there...and i dont need to be in the community like that...no one knows im home..i cant work in the community around were we live because i guess some one will recognize me or something..knowing i have issues with my background right now and she is doing everything is her power to keep me hidden away like im not wanted or worth the trouble..and it makes it hard to have confidence in anything at all when im constantly put up against some imaginary list of qualities i dont have...it makes me feel like a failure ...im questioned so much i guess i am a failure ... everything from what i eat to finding a job..how much im making ..paying back nia and rob and wayne and her...i dont have time to breathe because im always worrying...worrying how im going to manage and survive and do what i need to do and keep everyone else happy..because im sure at some point this will all kill me anyway .. and its really is like living on borrowed time and that at some point my body will just call it quits and no one will even care...ill be permanently out of the way and not a hassle for anyone anymore..the stress doesnt go away...even though im not even at home this week has been really stressful...she calls and makes me feel like a liar when i say the weather is bad..she swears that being here is keeping me sick and i got sick at home..she hints that im in the way here at sarahs and that im going to be seen as taking advantage of her...she asks if i asked if i could stay ..if it was ok...am i staying out of the way of her aides...everything...anything that can be questioned is.. and im left feeling as if im not wanted anywhere..and its pushing my thoughts into unsafe areas..

worthless life

Why me..a question that I keep asking today..for some reason I can't do anything right today..every phone call leaves me feeling worse than the one before it...And somehow I am the one feeling suicidal..And worthless and paranoid..why is it such a concern where I'm at...why is she trying so hard to make me give up everything relating  to Sarah..because now..in a  sick some how because of Sarah...I got sick at home..I've been sick both places...but staying home and not working will do what for me? How long will that last exactly before  I'm hounded to find another job..to stay home where I have nothing and where I'm not happy...all I get are questions..accusations..And I end up feeling defensive and upset and on edge...I can't relax because I can't stop worrying..And all day the thoughts get worse...And I stupidly keep answering the phones...I've gone from being ok to being unsafe in matter of hours..  wan t to scream and cry and just give up because no matter what I can't seem to make things work..I'm still in trouble..I'm still useless...And currently I just wish I was dead...

Valentine's 2016

Spent the day watching movies and goofing off...there is candy also :)

today

Today I've felt happy and pretty calm...still sick and feeling crummy but not as bad as it has been....I once again down play it but as mommy told me when I did it...I've been really sick..I'm truly not sure the last time I've been so sick...Maybe I need to take vitamins or something and build up my immune system..

But I'm back in Richmond for the weekend..I drove down this morning...I know what I need to do next time if I leave on Saturday and not Friday...I think I prefer coming down Friday..but i can handle a Saturday drive every so often..

I was pretty excited that I managed to get Sarah the cupcakes that she likes...that made me really happy. She got me flowers and candy and a stuffed unicorn..which made me happy too

I wonder why

I'm sick..I know I'm sick..I know to limit my contact with other ppl because  of being sick..being told three days in a row to not be around Sarah has me feeling paranoid and out of sorts..I have to work yes..but anything beyond that is just making me nervous...And talking to mommy keeps me on edge...And it just feels like I'm always stuck defending myself..over stupid things..am I really that stupid? I just feel like I nee  to be quiet and not do anything at all since I,can't even manage to be sock correctly.

sleep patterns...

Everything is born of something
Every action has a reaction
Every choice has a consequence

I was asked tonight if I would put my bed in the middle of the room or up against the wall when I move. A simple question..a yes or no question..a or answer question...it was not supposed to be a life altering question by any means..yet here I am thinking about it still and wondering why it's not just a simple question for me..I'm frustrated that it's not a simple question.I'm frustrated that I feel the need to explain my answer and say,why...but I'm not even 100% sure why...

I'm trying hard to remember how my bed was set up as a kid...was it against the wall or in the middle of the room..but I don't remember..Maybe it was a mix of both..I moved rooms a lot..

In college of course my bed was against the wall..My first apartment it was in the middle of the floor..when I moved home..it was back against the wall..it changes
.but why does it change? I should be old enough now that I should know how I am comfortable sleeping...but I'm not..I don't know..

When I sleep with Sarah I sleep against the wall..I feel safe an  protected that way...

At home my bed is against the wall but I sleep on the outside part of the bed that's not against the wall...I sleep facing the door..No one can surprise me or get into bed with me without my permission..I don't feel safe at home...I don't see why anyone would be sneaking in my bed but I am watchful..I have to protect myself..I keep stuffed animals and other things on the other side of the bed so there is no room for anyone else..

If I'm at a hotel I prefer the side of the bed that is farthest from the door..I think. But again depending on how I'm feeling I could end up in some position that,allows me to stare at  the door..to make sure no one co.we in..No one can get me..

  Think when I was  younger I may have tended to try to  sleep close to the wall...

Ugh I just don't know

Even with someone in the bed with me I try to keep space between us...Morgan  it works but being crowded and hot doesn't work for me
.sleeping with Sarah being the exception but Sarah also knows I'll get up if I  getting to hot..And sleep on the floor..

There is a pattern somewhere in all of this..something I learned a long time ago..a reason why I have to sit and think about if it is ok to not have the bed against the wall...she asked me the question and my immediate thought was it has to be against the wall..because I don't feel safe with it not being like that..second thought was its ok..it can be in the middle of the room..but this second answer bothers me for some reason..I don't know

not doing great

Struggling.....stomach issues. And not eating which can't really happen because am diabetic..so ended up with a crash this evening from not eating anything for lunch..And then got sick after dinner...massive headache...actually talked with t about sitting with emotional pain and not acting on it..I remembered that last night and have been sitting with the awful feelings...still dealing with the feelings...not acting on them but the thoughts don't stop..I'm losing control...I came home my room has been set up to mommy's specifications...My food has been bought for what I can have and not have I guess...My week has been planned out...I wonder if im allowed to think on my own anymore..I'm trying to remember who I am but it's slipping away...the need to be good and obedient..the fight to become good enough...the need to be good enough no matter the cost to us..I am not important..I keep forgetting that..but I come home and am reminded of my place very quickly...  I have no place..I haven't earned a place..  I don't measure up...all these years and I still don't measure up..

New schedule to get used to

Even though my stuff moved home weeks ago I've still been here on Richmond..but today after therapy I'll be going home for the week..I'll come back sometime on Friday and breakthrough Tuesday of next week..but generally that is my new schedule..I have been really anxious and out of sorts...worrying and stressing about going home...it's been on  of those things that's kept getting pushed off until it's become this huge thing in my mind...I have been safe...Just really struggling...I know what to expect going home and I'm trying to prepare myself for the talks and being stared at and told why I need to be better ...do better..I've been racking my brain on how to be better in a couple days..become someone who mommy approves of..I've failed at that again...I've begun obsessing over food again..which has me.nervous...it's been such a long  time since those thoughts have been in my head but mommy is pushing losing weight...And again I return to those old thoughts....I remember how it's all done..And with mommy watching me my paranoia picks up and kicking isn't an option..so it will once again change to food issues...not immediately but I know how I work...something has to be done and if it's not cutting then it's food...but everyone will be so happy when I lose weight..Maybe I'll become a vegetarian again..I don't know...Yes I need control of something...I hate this...but I'm going home now either way...so I better get,used to it nd stop being a crybaby about it...

never enough

Tears started tonight and it took a little bit to calm down...feeling the nee to destroy myself because I'm not good enough...old messages..old tapes playing..sadness drowns me..And I feel as if I am nothing..never enough as I am...go home so all my flaws can be pointed out for my own good...so that my thinking becomes confused and old habits never really go away... am I safe at home? I'm already freaking out..I my need to hand over my razors...I wish I could explain ..honestly explain why it's not ok right now without being told that I should be thankful and happy that I have a place to go..


Is suicide enough
???
Will I be good enough then?

This time skipped the si urges and moved straight to suicidal.....

Fml

Tired

Day 1 begins again... I'm just tired..my mind is tired my bones are tired. The worry increases and its causing fear and paranoia...I can't get myself to go outside today..I'm afraid...

fear of getting better...

my words and thoughts are confusing tonight...im trying to write but my stupid eye is twitching...

i saw anita today...and told her a million times that i wasnt going to talk her..but of course I did...I got her caught up on things an  How I've been doing ..and that I'm managing...it took a little while for the effects of that statement to kinda hit  me...And now I'm afraid of sabotaging myself...afraid that I'll get better and lose the support...I should want to  be better..but the fear  has set in...And I'm afraid.. I can't keep cutting...I'm actively working on not cutting right now and what thought pops up?? Purging...Yeah... one or the other but never both...what is wrong with me?  I'm struggling tonight..looking for an escape...

anxious

last night wasnt a good night for sleep...bad dreams...anxious dreams...my anxiety is up a lot right now..im trying to remember tat it is only saturday..i still havve until monday before going home..but the anxiety is increasing all the same..

broken pieces

besides feeling like crap today i was trying really hard to have a good day...and now all i feel is that i am broken and useless and not needed...a big big fear of mine is not being needed...being reassured that i am needed..anything to let me know that i am somewhat important..somewhat wanted... but mommy got me on the phone while i was walking to the store and i wasnt prepared for her line of questioning..all about me not bein all in sarahs business and that it looks like im taking advantage of her ..that i need to keep work and personal separate...that she doesnt need me..and can live and do things without me around...another attack on being in a relationship and her being uncomfortable..not putting any information anywhere..no talking about it..sharing anything about it...dont i keep enough secrets ?  its been drilled in not to talk about my relationship..so i dont...what else is it that she wants from me.. and my already low self esteem took a massive blow...i immediately started to think and wonder if it was true..i need so much reassurance when it comes to whether or not im wanted...or if im needed or important or doing something right..and for mommy to say that has sent me into no mans land...i feel worthless , hurt..a waste of space..that im not good enough..never good enough...i am not thinking clearly...i feel that i have to prove im needed..that if i do enough i wont be tossed out ..fighting hard to stay safe and not cry anymore ... i guess right now it is hard finding to energy to do anything other than crying or just being silent .. lay down and try to not think anymore .. earlier i ended up taking 2 of the clonzapan and fell asleep..instead of doing anything damaging...but i know where the razors are..my mind has been zeroed in on them since i came back from the store .. i dont know right now really how i am feeling..mixed up ..a mess .. nothing .. nothing

alone

tonite things are rough inside. feeling really isolated and alone...sarah is at her parents....they dont acknowledge me so i am not allowed to go..it has been this way since the beginning but still my feelings end up hurt ...and i worry while she is gone..if she will forget me or sstay there with them...im just sad ... not seeing t is causing feelings of desertion ... like no one is there anymore...scared to be leaving to go home next week..worrying and trying to plan..and just beginning to feel stuck i think..

Yesterday

Thank god yesterday is over with...it was frustrating and anxiety producing and drama from from my roommate and her brother that had me afraid to even have my family there....it was a big mess and then mommy came in and took over and just kept yelling at me about how disgusting my room was...and its like gee when you move things you find stuff underneath...but yeah..it was a hard day...stayed pretty anxious and afraid to leave to kids with her brother threatening to shoot her...and my brother has brought the baby and the kids and I didn't want to put them in danger either...I couldn't make this stuff up If I tried :( .. mommy of course got on me about cleaning and what I was wearing and rushing me to leave and finally I told her I was nervous about leaving the kids and my roommate ( we parted on good terms) ..I don't want to see them hurt in any way...luckily I was able to call Sarah and talk for a few minutes and try to calm down before we went to eat...and I also talked to my future sister in law and she was supportive too ... I have trouble taking on everyone's problems and get so freaked out..and I was already freaking out you know...but my stuff is moved home...I'm happily going to stay with Sarah for this week and to home next Monday ....we went out to dinner and talked and stuff last night...its really nice being able to talk about my day and be asked about my day and know that she wants to know and is listening to me...but I gotta get ready for work..still a bit down but going to get through the day.

anxious

I made the reservation with Wayne today for the uhaul... I'm really leaving...like really leaving....trying to shut down...hide..I feel sick...really sick...scared..Sad...anxious...And the kids have no idea...she hasn't told them...fuck..mommy is becoming repetitive...And I'm getting stressed...I'm struggling to calm down...And stay calm

Frustrated

I'm just frustrated and right now that is not a good thing because I feel like cutting..I'm pissed off at everything.and locked out in the cold which pisses me off even more...I'm mad at Anita and Courtney.. I'm mad that I couldn't get my meds filled ..I'm mad that I'm hungry and stupid but I did get cat food a little bit any way.. I'll figure something out..I guess..I'll have to since I don't have gas money ... I'm just sick of today and I think I'll take the last of the percocets before I do anything incredibly stupid..because my thinking is not good right now..today is just not a good day...

i like this one

happy New year

It's 2016... No I'm not going to right about how the new year means a new me...I'm still the same old me...the date changes nothing...I do want to say though that I wan  this year to be better..And so I have so things I plan to work on...this year is going to  be about getting myself together..becoming more self sufficient..And stable...I think that is the most important thing...becoming more stable..

My mood and feelings leave me so down...And I know Anita told me that the symptoms affect my daily life more than I let on...I try so hard sometimes and just can't manage..    I can't get out of bed..I have no motivation no desire..right now I'm fighting urges to hurt myself...And I'm not sleeping...I really want to sleep..

I guess you can say  I have learned a lot this year..about myself..How I handle things..How I think...I currently feel more broken than whole..but that doesn't take away the lessons..

I'm no longer completely sure why I wanted to write this...I'm feeling a little mixed up right now...Ok a lot mixed up...