struggling ..in weird ways

im having trouble figuring out what i want to say tonight..im trying to keep myself safe and it is a losing battle..im slipping and im stressed out


skip ahead a few hours ... ok like 3 hours

things ive done to avoid hurting myself

ive talked to sarah twice
ive talked to amanda
i texted D
i took meds for anxiety
i downloaded a new book
i packed my lunch for tomorrow
i od'ed on waffles
i cried
ive overthought everything - worst case scenario type things
ive played with kai
and im about to either watch netflix or work on late notes until i fall asleep.

.......

im disappointed in the hospital ... for not doing better.. for not helping...for sending a suicidal person home for the 2nd time...how do you try to get help and get turned away?  no i dont understand that at all ..

.....

i sat through the most depressing staff meeting ever today.. 2 and a half hours ... of 'when i did it we did it this way and it worked fine' type things..a lot of we are a team bullshit...that if we need help to just come and ask....really ??!!  because as i remember it..i asked all 4 of them for help and all 4 of them said no.. so team work my ass...i truly am just trying to make it through to the new year with this job... im not stressed out completely..but im trying to hang on and do my job...i know ive got to get on top of doing the notes though..but again we are so short staffed..and once again i may end up with 5 people tomorrow..who knows..i dont call out often..and i dont vacation often..i show up for work.. sick and having stomach issues and whatever..unless its super bad...but i freaking show up..i do what is asked of me ..without to much complaint...i try to help out as much as i can..but this job runs you ragged...it is tiring ..giving so much..on a regular basis..i feel like all i do is give and then there is nothing left for me...i dont know... my thoughts are sad tonight ..like im depressed but i cant reach that bleak moment and stay there..its like a fleeting thought that keeps returning.. i want to curse my meds for keeping me from slipping completely over the edge..? how does that make sense??

my head is starting to hurt so im going to go and lay down i think. 

sarah should be coming home sometime tonight from the hospital...