logic

i reject any and all types of logic right now...my current thinking is..that if i get sick too then i will be sent to sarah...

there is nothing else to say or work out .. i know the logic in that is majorly flawed but my brain wont accept anything else..

throw a tantrum, pout, whine, cry...etc..hate everything, dont want help, hiding and isolating..it is a struggle to remain in a completely adult mind frame when fear and feeling alone is present ...

(wrote that last night and then fell asleep) 


my back is killing me..lower back..i dont know why but it is definitely hurting me today a lot...i was late taking my meds and im trying hard to curb some of my impulsive behaviors...i feel bad so lets go blow what little money i do have...or lets go eat everything and end up sick and in even more pain...dont go get razors just because i am upset and overwhelmed...the usual .. the constant battle to remain safe and calmish and in control...dont lose control ..so i recongized that i wanted to binge and so instead i made myself start cooking dinner instead of going out for fast food ...  some days i truly hate being aware of my own behaviors and knowing i have the tools to combat them..i guess im armed with a baseball bat or something and i have to constantly beat the thoughts back before they take over..im on the edge but i keep going one step back and one step forward...i havent gone over..but its a constant fight to stay where i am...im trying to work through my feelings and i feel like im writing a novel with all this journaling ...but i dont have any better ideas ..and i hate talking on the phone..mommy is being weird and i cant put my finger on why..but it is a strong feeling...she keeps saying she loves me and asks if i love her ..and why i dont talk to her and that she is there for me..stuff like that..stuff she rarely says ..and it is disconcerning...it puts me immediately on the defensive..and i wonder if she looked through my journals i had at home...it wasnt my main ones with the magnitudes of writing and thoughts and feelings..but there was some writing in them..and i just wonder if she read them while packing up my stuff..i didnt have them laying out or anything..but who knows...