i wish

i wish i knew what to do or say to calm the thoughts down..they are dark..full of guilt and blame and shame...anger and hurt..feelings of not being wanted by anyone..remembering that i am not wanted..feeling that i am not wanted...things i am supposed to keep to myself but i go and try to talk about it in therapy and i cant even get all of it out in one go..jumping around as thoughts come no structure..no balance..i regret saying anything at all ... but if not then this will keep happening..every year i will tinker on the edge of self destruction...every year it hits and every year it is awful..not talking about it hasnt worked...talking about it..well even just beginning to and trying to talk about it has left me reeling and unsteady..adoption, death, family, twins...so much in just a few subjects..topics that i avoid so very much..and now i bring them up and have to deal with the fallout from it...i dont like this...im going to try to go to sleep now..again...