attention...

I am beginning to think that the whole fiasco with anita and the paperclip is because I'm not getting enough attention...im going out of my way to do stupid things and get sick again and just ugh...im not feeling good today at all...my stomach is bothering me a lot and I am once again saying that I will stop eating gluten....its harder this time around to stop..because I want so much of what I couldn't have before and things ive missed being able to have..but feeling this and gross is not worth it..and I'm getting frustrated with myself for doing it..i cant have it both ways...I really cant .. and my stomach is revolting my past eating habits horribly...so ill stop again...I truly will...I hate feeling like this...

but back to the attention thing...it has taken to me like almost 3 weeks to figure out that I don't feel like I'm getting enough attention..that I took the paperclip partially for attention...partially because sometimes I just cant stay in adult mode and want everything and anything..and telling me no is not something I understand in that frame of mind...but I kept and now I totally have anitas attention..good heavens I have it...but I keep going back and forth between it being upsetting because I cant explain why I did it..to just feeling completely vindicated because its mine and she cant have it back...I don't know..the whole thing is a confusing mess in my head..but really with work my attention is on everyone else and not me..there is always so much going on..im there..i do my job nd that's it...ive been avoiding sarah is some ways because I wasn't comfortable around her evening aide and so I have been spending a lot of my evenings alone reading, or sleeping, or just wasting time away..i feel alone..and I guess I'm not getting much feedback from work ..so its just maybe I am feeling forgotten ... unimportant..wanting to do something to get some sort of attention..i don't know..right now I'm feeling to miserable to even consider cutting but I think that has been one of my ways to have attention....not intentionally..but the end result was more attention...im trying hard to figure out the paperclip thing...

how it relates to anything or nothing....yes mommy constantly took things from me growing up or wouldn't let me have the same stuff as my brothers and sisters...I was quickly told I'm to old for toys or I need to grow up...yes I have issues with stealing and wanting to be like everyone else...or wanting to manage and fit in some way...a paperclip isn't making me like anyone but for some reason I wanted it ...my thinking changed and it wasn't until she asked for it back that I suddenly wanted it and refused to give it back...

sometimes I really truly hate the way my head works and thinks ...it makes no sense ... still trying to put the pieces together of a mind that makes no sense ...