tomorrow is monday

saying that tomorrow is monday holds no real joy or fear for me.  it is another day. it just so happens to mean that i made it through the weekend.  intact.  angry, quiet, sad, and a whole host of other things but i am intact.  i am tired. very very tired though.  i dont think the suicidal thoughts have gone but they are a little bit quieter at the moment.  i have the most random thoughts of hurting myself through out the day..just out of the blue ill wonder about cutting or taking all my medicine or going for a drive and hitting something. blah..ive been trying to stay busy.  ive been laying down a lot though.  playing games and watching movies.  ive been watching a lot of cartoons. my thinking is a lot distracted and all i can handle right now is cartoons.

it makes me incredibly sad to know that i am not able to truly manage without the medication..or without being on something to help my mood or to slow my thoughts down...or to just not act or want things so impulsively ...

tomorrow just puts me one day closer to tuesday and finding out if courtney has any ideas..i am trying to stick to trying a different combination...i think i may need a mood stabilizer .. i dont know .. i called in the refill for the trazadone though..so ill hopefully be able to go and pick that up tomorrow..and i see the behavioral ppl on wed ..i gotta remember that..

i gotta go out and run some errands tomorrow.  im hoping i will be able to get them all done without a melt down...umm post office, store, and grocery store and pick up meds.. i look at that and wonder if it is to much .. and that frustrates me too... paranoia is a bit elevated..and i only feel safe at home...which keeps my anxiety up when i have to go somewhere...

have i mentioned that i am just tired..of myself..of everything..

calming down

tonight things are feeling a little bit calmer. im incredibly anxious to be to far away from sarah.   freaked out in walmart earlier and almost cried because the lady asked me at the deli what cut i wanted.  why that simple question overwhelmed me to the point of tears i dont know.  but i just couldnt calm down.  i walked back and forth around the store until i got myself to text sarah and get my focus together enough to leave and come home.  

i did a lot of adult stuff today but i dont feel very much like an adult.  i took a nap earlier and that helped with calming me down also.

they are putting in new carpet in the apartment upstairs and its been so loud. i think they are being totally inconsiderate of the fact that people live underneath the upstairs apartment. they were dropping stuff so hard the ceiling fans were shaking and stuff.

my thoughts are bouncing back and forth a bit right now.  i might play harvest moon for a little bit .

im not going to the outing/get together thing tomorrow and that does make me sad. but i know i cant handle it, or the crowds or the noise.  so im not going but sarah is going and that makes me happy. ill just be at home where it is safe and  i know whats around me.  no surprises.

shut down.

i thought i was doing the right thing...not talking..covering myself in silence..just getting through the day..and that is saying something because i may as well have been living in a small dark cave the past few days..i thought i was protecting everyone by preventing anyone from knowing just how badly i feel..i thought i was doing what was best..what was good. i could surface for little bits of time, interact and then go back into hiding..but i guess doing things that way has turned something major off and im just not connecting correctly to anyone or anything..but its worked before and i didnt realize i had even shut down this time around..but i have and it has been a total, all out shut down..and seriously the only goal right now is to make it to tuesday.  i didnt realize that i hadnt reached out to my usual friends.  i didnt realize just how alone i had made myself in a matter of days.. i shut everyone out to try to combat the thoughts and anger and feelings and .. i just didnt want to have to force anyone to deal with me..so i buried all of it.. and it has left things a lot messy..like waiting for that pressure valve to pop off and all of it come rushing out.. i didnt know it was happening..i didnt..and now i dont know how to get out of it..i need to keep that control so badly..i cant let anyone know that the control is slipping..so i hide ..and do what i need to and then go back to hiding..because i have to protect myself and keep everyone at arms length so that i know they will be safe too..im fighting myself..im fighting everyone else..im fighting what i think everyone else is thinking..im ust fighting but i think im fighting the wrong battle..im fighting myself..im still fighting myself ..and im still losing ..

im
still
losing

why am i still losing ?  why does my throat close up when i try to ask for help or say whats wrong?  why does it feel like im drowning yet im surrounded by people?  why does it feel like no one can see me when i am standing right there? why do i keep rebuilding those walls that keeps everyone else out?  why do i end up trapped and afraid but still cant scream out for anyone to find me, to pull me out of myself..to not give up on me?  why?

hello darkness

every day it seems that i figure out another reason that  the medication is helpful and without it i am sliding into darkness...my thoughts are overwhelming and irrational.  i dont trust myself with what i am thinking.  i am currently awake at 3am and my thinking just goes back and forth.  i want to go out to the store..i want to hang out the window in my bedroom..i want to just go and drive or walk outside..i am thinking and planning and plotting and now of it truly makes sense.  i want to go to sleep and instead i am awake and thinking..i keep thinking about destorying things...i keep thinking about hurting..i keep thinking i need to get up ..i need to do something..anything..im listening to music now and trying to drown out my thoughts.  do i want to go cook ?  do i want to draw ?  i dont know.  my fingers itch to move to be doing something and i have to remain still. i force myself to remain still so that i dont pace..am i nervous? tired?  no i am just falling back into darkness.  it is an old friend.  it is comforting.  it is an escape.  it is a form of safety in its own right.  there i am ok..i am protected.  i am alone.  and nothing can reach me.  i dont want anything.  im fine. it is like disappearing, being surrounded by a dark smokey living thing.  it wants me so very much and i resist. i keep resisting but i dont know why anymore.  it is a little bit easier to welcome it, to like it take over..to just be and have nothing else matter.  it is like wanting so much to be wrapped in a tight cocoon of warmth except there is no warmth..but there is comfort in the familiar..there is comfort in realizing that it has never left me. it has just been hiding .. and it still wants me.  no matter how i am or what im doing or what i have done.  it wants me all the same and i think it will steal me away this time.  i convince myself that i need it.  that it is an escape.  my resistance wears down and i am just left drifting ..i am left waiting for something.  not to be saved really..but to be let go..i want to be let go.. i am trapped and no one will notice . i am not dressed i cant leave the house..but i keep thinking that i do...i keep thinking i should take all of my medicine and then all i want to do is throw it all away.  i dont want to go anywhere but i do.  i wonder why i am here and what im supposed to be doing. i wonder what the point of all of it is and i just cry. i did not plan to cry.  the anger comes and goes and it is harder to push it away. it wants its freedom just like anything else but there is no freedom for that...i cant be angry..im not supposed to be..and not being able to control it or keep it under control is a problem. i have to be in control.  i have to be.  i cant be angry because then i want answers. i want to know why.  i want to know why i was picked and hurt.  i want to know why i cant remember..i want to know what the hell happened..i want to know why so very much. the anger and hate have such enormous depth.  it hurts thinking about it.  it hurts feeling it.  the anger comes and then the bone crushing depression crashes after it..one extreme to the other and through it all i sit quietly and keep myself alone because i dont want to hurt anyone else with my inability to be okay. or stay okay.  i dont know what i am currently .  if you ask me  i will say that i am fine.  that i am ok.  but all day i try not to cry, try not to yell or destroy something or destroy myself .. i dont know what i want to do..i want to throw everything away..break things..but that is not ok.  i keep my teeth clinched to prevent myself from saying anything mean or wrong.  my head hurts with the effort to remain good.  i am good.  i have to be good.  i have to obey.  i am failing .. im failing at everything.  mommy tells me that pretty much. or maybe that is my interpretation..obey and listen and be good and maybe she wont hurt me anymore.  the same hope  has lived in me for 30 years and i am still waiting ..still trying.. still dying ..and im still not good enough . trying to calm down.  force myself to lay down again for a bit..beginning to panic  and it makes my chest hurt..or it could just be years of crushing disappointment and hurt..who knows..

a day ?

yesterday was a little rough as i am taking things immesly personal and reacting in not so great ways ...

like i told mommy i was going to do the pharmacy tech class..so i would have another job if needed and all of that and she shot the idea down completely..i immediately became defensive and by the end of the conversation had just about given up on the idea entirely .. like before talking to her i was so excited about the class..about making a choice for something to do...and after talking to her and have her tell me that the tech class would be a step down for me and that i should be doing something better.  in my opinion she was saying the job was beneath me..and that goes against everything i freakin stand for...nothing is beneath me..im not on some pedestal that makes me better than anyone else...and it hurt a lot. and i shut down totally..i didnt try to think it through because all i could think was that it was a stupid idea and i dont know what i bother trying.  suicidal thoughts are slipping back in and so i went to sleep. i talked to sarah last night and she encouraged me to do it...but i keep going back to mommy and the things she said and i just feel like a disappointment and a failure because i cant seem to manage to do what she wants me to do..i cant seem to manage to be enough for her..nothing i do..i cant lose enough weight, i cant get my skin to look better, im not active enough for her..its all about her .. she says i dont tell her enough or talk to her enough and its like i try and it turns into a very one sided argument until i give up and agree with her...the need to obey is strong again..to do what she says..im a coward...a failure and a coward..there is a lot of anger and i dont know what to do with it so i just end up taking it out on myself...right now it is food that is the weapon...although getting sick the other night was a total surprise..but i am eating way to much..punishment...and my thoughts are pulling in on themselves...i think im struggling but i keep saying im fine. i am fine..sometimes..and sometimes i am so stuck in my head that reality is an illusion..

i dont know . confusion

my head is going a million miles a minute as i try to figure out how to save the world...ok im trying to figure out how to make a million things work out and figure out how much i need to save for stuff and what to do about things and how to make it all work out .. a million things to do..but i cant seem to think clearly enough or slow enough to find a solution to anything..i just think and think and over think all of it until its all just a mass of confusion stuck in my head.   maybe it is the little things that the meds help..like slowing my thoughts down and letting me think though things..it dampens the anger .. it helps me be around people without wanting to bite someones head off. right now i want to be left alone..my head hurts and i was sick a couple times last night so im just not feeling good..but at the same time my eyes are heavy and i feel like crying..but why?   there is nervous energy...a lot of nervous energy that i dont know how to get rid of .. i have to move..i have to think..i just have to do something and since my body is not working right today then my mind has gone off into a million different directions..trying to solve problems..trying to plan and organzie and just do something..anything.. i need to slow my head down and i cant..nothing seems to work..sleep?  i ate way to much yesterday but the egg rolls did not agree with me in the end and i got sick ...my stomach is sore and tender and gross today but im not feeling nauseous anymore at least ..  little thoughts are beginning to slip in about taking all of my medicine and just calling it quits...  maybe laying down is a good idea ..  i think things may be heading into a not so good place..am i supposed to call courtney?  no. im fine.  super fine. awesomely fine.  i said i would stop them and get to a base line.  i just dont know where that base line is going to fall..

a lot on my mind tonight

these past few days have really given me a run for my money..i am stressed and im trying not to be stressed because stress could be aggravating my stomach issues..ugh

so many things in my head..so many questions and thoughts and feelings and im just currently at  a major loss as to what i want my next steps to be..but i have to make a plan..i have to figure everything out..

ok well the trip home was a disaster..a big huge disappointing disaster..and the end result is that i have been changed 4 times for hotels..and i am forced to wait for money to be returned to me..im stuck right now with pretty much nothing..thanks to all the changes on my card..and then my tire blew out on the road and paying for that and borrowing money from sarah.. and being so so overwhelmed..

so i saw the med doc today and agreed to coming off of two of the main meds..so see if they are contributing to the stomach stuff...doc said taper but i dont taper well so im just stopping both of them..because that makes more sense to me..i know it is going to suck royally but i will do it... then i saw my primary doc and my sugar is way up and the insulin talk happened again we talked about me being constantly sick with the pills and that maybe they arent right for me. but i want them to be right. i really really do.. she mentioned ibs and i told her that sometimes i do think the stomach stuff is aggravated by stress..so i have an appointment to see the nutritionist..i have an appt to see the behavioral health people, to work on stress management and stuff..still no word on seeing a therapist..so still waiting on that...

spent an hour and a half on the phone with mommy..where she talked about everything that happened with the hotels and then talked about the tire stuff..then im compared to sarah..and questioned about when im moving out..and she actually asked me if i made sarah give me money to get a new tire on my car yesterday :( i didnt..i wouldnt do that..i cant make sarah do a damn thing..but she questioned me about it. told me i take everything for granted..that i want everything to be my way. i dont understand :( she also told me that i need to stop getting stressed and overwhelmed and crying.... nothing i do is right at all..like all this stuff happened in three days but i cant feel any negative way about it..i talked to courtney about what happened and she said me and sarah worked good together..that sarah helped me calm down and supported me...but then i talk to mommy and its completely different...i end up questioning everything that happened...every reaction..every thing..she is mad that i didnt want to go out to dinner that first night because i was frustrated and overwhelmed and just asked to pick something up..emotions need to die again it seems...just go away and not happen at all cas it just gets me in more trouble

and then had a long conversation with sarah about moving to canada. the move isnt even my biggest hang up..my hang up is that i will not be able to see Noa or Marley or the boys.  I wont be a drive away.  i will be really really far away and that scares and worries me.  im scared to leave my doctors, im scared to be in a totally new place...im scared to lose what little bit of support i have...crap im just scared. maybe that is it..quite simply put i am scared..but i have said i will see it through, because things in the usa are scary at this point.  very scary. and sarah is feeling unsafe and i have my moments of wondering if i am safe.  it is a big move. a giant step.  a huge no turning back step.  of course there is a major process with moving to canada..applications and major application fees and tests and finding a job and a place to live and all sorts of stuff... they recommend going to visit and find an area and place to live that way.. time frame we are looking at is like 2 years from now.  but i also found out that the application process to even get permanent residence can take up to two years! like i said it is a huge process..unfortunately it is much more than just deciding to move and going.. also you have to be approved to move to canada ...like they can decide they dont want you. seriously .. im like well damn hae i done anything that would get me kicked out of a country before i even get there!  and im wondering if we need a lawyer or something to help with the process. blah .. a lot of questions ..and a lot of confusing information..and a lot of wondering.  but of course this also will cost a heck of a lot of money..the application fee alone is more than $1000 !  so no going to new york, no getting married, cause saving will be so important..the new goal is to get a better car and work towards that point of moving to canada...it makes me sad though...it really does changing plans and stuff..no cruise to alaska either i guess ..

life is all about change right ??  life is all about trying new things and living and doing things..and i just wonder if this is my time for a major change..well the beginnings of a major change..im stilll not 100% sold on the idea..and i know that is fear talking..but who knows where things will go from here..

not the best trip

im so so so disappointed in how this trip has turned out.  i know it was only going home..but i was hoping for a good trip..instead i ended up upset and frustrated and tearful and ready to just turn around and go back to richmond last night instead of staying.

i got to town and learned there is a policy now that is being enforced that says i can not stay in a hotel in wilmington if my address is within 50 miles of the hotel. My address was about 30 miles away. I had to cancel the reservation and then hunt for a hotel that would take my ID .. in the rain yesterday. my sister ended up finding one for me but the entire ordeal was frustrating and anxiety producing. I was ready to give up and go back home i got so frustrated yesterday. it was a mess. i was a mess. and to make it ALL that much better the first hotel cancelled the reservation and still charged me the full amount. ive called to get a refund but now it is a waiting game. i am not happy with this little trip at all. i did actually get all of my car stuff done but im just anxious and sad and kinda ready to go home. im hanging around to see my niece and nephews and the plan is still to go home tomorrow. im just tired. and still a bit freaked out. and broke. lets not forget broke thanks to the stupid hotel. 

i ended up finding a hotel thanks to my sister calling around for me.  we are staying til tomorrow and then going back home..but the whole thing has me feeling down..and out of sorts..upset and sad..and so frustrated..there was nothing stating this new policy and so it was unexpected and totally out of the blue..i looked at the man like he was crazy when he told me and nia didnt even believe me when i told her! ugh..

i had trouble falling asleep last night and i woke up this morning still feeling anxious and on edge. so i am writing and the whole thing that just me upset all over again. so it hasnt been as helpful..but i did it...

anxiety !

with going home tomorrow my anxiety has skyrocketed into no mans land..ugh...it has been a rough and very shaky day..i still get filled with dread when going home and having to be around mommy..it hasnt changed in all these years :(  i dont know if it ever will change..the stress and worry and anxiousness just makes me so tired and leaves me on edge..and very close to tears ... im seeing courtney next week and hopefully i will be able to get the anxiety meds back..

but i didnt bail out of going to Muse tonight.  it was a bit harder this time around as i was very anxious. it was more crowded and very loud tonight.  but i absolutely loved the picture  for the night and i feel like i can say i did an awesome job on it! i was super focused and worked really hard on it.  we will probably go back to do one in feb towards the end of the month.

i did a lot of stuff around the house today...kinda to just stay busy..got us both packed, snacks packed, went to the grocery store, cleaned out the cats litter box, baked cookies (GF) , took out the trash, went to Muse, AAND took a nap !  for me this is huge..this is the most active i have been in days ..sometimes the anxiety gets me moving and doing things..when its really bad that is ..

the plus side to going home is of course getting to see marley and the boys, nia and noa will be coming down while we are there so getting to see them also, surprisingly i could care less about the car stuff but it has to be done..

now im laying down..and waiting for sleep...tomorrow is a four hour drive and im trying hand not to push myself to get home and prove i am good enough ... but i know i will still try and still be disappointed..but maybe this time will be different ..maybe

its almost feb...wow and other stuff

this year is off to a really fast start..i cant believe that it is already almost feb...essh ..i would ask where this month has gone but it is passing in a weird im always sick and not feeling good haze..blah..

im working much harder on my eating !  my stomach is finally begining to lose the bloated and over full feeling...i am cutting out the bread a lot and using more gluten free stuff again...like this morning i had gluten free pancakes with sausage..and i actually only ate 3 pancakes and not the whole box !  i have to admit that eating gluten free does make me feel better physically .. like not as heavy you know...im adding salad back in to my diet..ok im adding lettuce back into my diet..im not big on making like huge salads...some lettuce and salad dressing and im good...i still have days where i do eat bread though..just not an every day thing..and im learning that if i do eat bread then it needs to be early in the day and not late in the afternoon/evening..cas it leaves me feeling way to full! and then i just feel kinda bloated and gross and stuff..but like im planning on going out to eat while im at home to a seafood place...so im eating carefully to kinda allow myself to eat there and not freak out...im trying to be careful and not go overboard with cutting things out of my diet..im not huge on sweets but i love potato chips ...and i like gf cake when i make it.  i havent wanted any cake lately though...i found some really good gluten free cookies though.  so its kinda of just moving along...now that im working on my diet i know my biggest weakness currently is the sweet drinks...that is a major downfall ugh...ive been testing my sugar a little bit and the numbers are higher than i like...and i know my drinking habits are effecting it..so yep..next round will deal with drinks.  ive gotta find a good type of unsweet tea ... so gross ! im still having a few stomach issues...ive started the new medication and im not sure if it is working yet or not..i know i need to give it more time though..so im trying not to jump the gun and just stop taking it! im on januvia now..im pretty sure i will need a higher dose though..but i will see what the doc says next week..but starting the meds has me feeling a bit odd...i restarted the wellbutrin at the same time and so im a little but fuzzy headed and out of sorts at times..

then i come back from going home im going to join the rec center.  that is my goal.  that will help get me out of the house a little bit.  i need to figure out a way to get myself motivated to not stay in bed all day.. maybe find a class or something to take.i dont know yet.. maybe one thing at a time so i dont get overwhelmed and stop doing everything.

im going home next week..monday - wed  to do car stuff..see my nephews, go out to eat, and see nia and noa since they will be coming down too.  so all of that crammed into 2 and a half days. but then it will be a good long while before i see mommy again...she is trying to be controlling again and telling me what i need to do and stuff..and im telling her ok and making my own plans ...im trying not to fight with her about things..

my travel plans have changed a little bit...and i will be going to my brothers wedding in aug, and then we are going to new york around my birthday.  those are the two big trips for this year.. i wanted to go to sc for noas birthday and i cant now..but it is ok..we are all gonna try to go down for the wedding.. so starting to save up for both of those trips ...

i am frustrated about  a letter i got from the IRS about insurance...im even more frustrated that an ok plan for me would be 350 a month..it doesnt cover all of my medications, i would have to change doctors, everything would become more expensive..and the 31st is the deadline...ive compared and stressed and worried and thought out the entire thing and right now that doesnt work for me..im going to have to deal with the penalty because i cant afford that extra 350 a month right now..i have better coverage going through the clinic i am at now and getting some of my meds through them and being able to be referred for free and all of that..it isnt going to work .. i will try again next year..maybe it will work out better then..but for now..it is not helpful to me..

i see anita today after more than a month with no therapy.  i think i will make today the last session..hanging on is just causing more anxiety.  im not upset any more..im just sad and struggling with having so much in my head and not having a sounding board anymore to just listen to me ramble...im still waiting on a call from the clinic that will have me put with someone new..but i am still waiting.. and it is depressing..well things have been depressing ..and really rough at times..i dont know what to really do about any of it...just waiting it seems. and trying to keep making it through each day..

but i guess that is all of my rambles for now..needed to clear my head a bit and just write..today is one of those i am feeling a bit off days..so i may lay back down for a bit.. 

food issues ...yet again

im frustrated with myself..im frustrated with my body..im just frustrated in general...once again i am stuck laying down because my stomach is hurting and cramping ...im no longer taking the metformin but i started the new med yesterday...along with my other med that i was missing and well..my body is trying to adjust to them and im stuck feeling sick...once again i am obsessing over everything food related...i know im not eating the best but that is going to change...obviously i needed to test out things first ..ugh..so im going to work on going back gluten free..with only a few exceptions to that ...which will be totally planned in !  but just im feeling so blahish..so out of it...so so just not myself i guess...i know on some level i need to take care of myself..but the urge to follow through with that is so fleeting...i want to but i dont put the effort into it more than a few days...and then i get sick and its like for fucks sake give me a break here..sometimes it is hard to fight the mental stuff just to deal with the physical stuff...it is a major headache..it is tiring..i dont like it..most days i mean i dont out right hate myself...but the low self esteem is there...the not liking myself is still there..the need to punish myself comes and goes...the anxiety stays up these days and im just trying to maintain...to survive..to not go totally backwards..to not take things to the extreme..its one or the other..food or cutting and right now food issues are winning out majorly ... i wish i didnt have the constant need to take things out on my body...but i am such an easy target :( i cant escape myself ..

mixed up

tonight i am feeling really mixed up and tired.like my thoughts are going a mile a minute and i want to just talk and talk and talk but i dont actually say much outloud.  i forget sometimes and do start talking to myself out loud and i have to stop myself and remind myself to be quiet...its like trying to reprimand a child who has the attention span of a bug..

Goodbye 2016

As 2016 comes to a close i wish i could say that im thinking wonderful thoughts about 2017..something inspirational, something to change the world..but im actually not...im honestly thinking about what time i can go to bed and if i need to set my alarm for 11:50pm.

My thinking is pretty low key right now..and today has been an ok day...i cooked dinner and it was super good..we had ice cream and pie for dessert..and i got sarahs xbox set up for her, i went to the store too.  little things..i wasnt feeling good this morning and into the afternoon and that is so frustrating...i do plan to make some changes with my health going into the new year..because i feel awful more days than i feel good..and i hate it...i have things to save up for trips and other fun stuff with sarah in 2017.  but honestly i am coming to the conclusion that i need to learn to deal with and take care of myself...  i havent cut in maybe 4 or 5 months ..i think the last time was aug..my eating issues though are alive and well and that bothers me a bit.  i want to get another kitten.  i want to travel and go places and do things.. i keep myself trapped in a lot of ways and i want that to change..but im not making resloutions...now i ust have goals ..things i want to work towards... and i think my biggest goal is finding my sisters grave when i go to new york..once i figured that out i just cant seem to let it go...i have to find her..and i will..

2016 has been a heck of a year...it started off really rocky and it is ending on a very stable note...i mean i have a place to live..im with sarah..i have kai and gizmo..ive made new friends..i met new people..i got to travel to new places .. i am paying bills and not running out of money so quickly..ok holiday season sooooo doesnt count lol... but in all honesty i am doing much better today than i was at this point last year... i have been trying .. really actually trying ..and i guess it is beginning to pay off...my goal to become more stable actually happened and that is a bit mind blowing ! i did it..with sarahs help and support ..i realize i am more stable.. wow

all things must come to an end though and this year ends in only a few hours.  im hoping that next year will bring about more growth and happiness..

Goodbye 2016 

Hello 2017

Made it through Christmas and other stuff

I am safely back at home now after spending a few days out of town at my sisters...it was overall a good trip...it helped tremendously that mommy has a 'guy friend' to spend time with and wasnt there a lot of the time...when she was there she did her usual stuff like invading my personal space, standing over me, watching me, telling me how i looked or what i needed to do to look better..exercise. make sure im going to work..the usual stuff...i tried not to let it get to me...i noticed also how much she confuses me...like she takes control..yes..but then she makes it seem like im the one that gave instructions or said i was going to do something..and she asks or states it in a way that i have to agree to it..and then im confused because im not sure if i came up with the idea or if she did..i dont know how things get so twisted around so quickly or easily..but it happens a lot...for dinner on christmas i ended up feeling so confused and upset but at the same time doubting myself big time ... it keeps me on edge and on the defense...there are just some things i dont like you know...and im noticing it more...but all that aside im glad i went for christmas and sarah came too.   i got some pretty cool stuff for christmas..like the bobble heads im collecting and more coloring stuff, shoes and clothes and socks..a new ds system and games, a panini maker, a grill, and a waffle maker and other stuff..mommy went all out this year...and my secret santa and sarah and nia and noa...got the cutest picture from noa that she drew ..im gonna hang it up :)

the drive up there wasnt awful..but the drive back was..and i got so irritated and frustrated and cranky..almost 9 hours on the road stuck in a lot of traffic...ugh..i truly hated drving yesterday and my body is letting me know that it is not pleased either...im so sore and achy and tired ... im keeping it simple today...not doing anything at all ...but i do want to get some cleaning done this week..and kinda air out the apartment after being gone a few days ..and get rid of the ever present cat litter smell..essh

i have been thinking a lot about the new year and what i want from it..what i want out of it...we have been talking about trips and saving and me looking for a new job...all good things of course...but at the same time i know i need to get a handle on my health...i really need to talk to my doctor and figure some things out... i really really think that the meds im taking for the diabetes is causing a big portion of my stomach issues...like i accidently left them home while out of town and my stomach was upset once out of five days...im going to stop takin them...but in doing that i really have to work on my diet and portion sizes ..and of course exercise...i can tell im getting puffy.and i dont like that..my stomach stays bloated and gassy and stuff and it is a pain...im going to look into some of the more herbal/natural stuff to help with digestion and things since i dont have a gall bladder...im kinda tired of all the chemicals and stuff..and the meds dont help with not gaining weight..but im not making excuses..i know i make some pretty poor choices some days... but just a lot on my mind recently..and i need to get a better handle on my stomach anyway to be able to handle working and not running back and forth to the bathroom all day long !

i have to go home in a couple weeks to get my car stuff done...staying for three days..in a hotel..sarah is coming to and it is more comfortable for us to be in a hotel...so going to be doing that...and then that is all the traveling for a while...

i need to work on saving up for the ny trip..and the trip for noas birthday..and a few other things..maybe sometime in the not so far future ill be able to save up for another car...who knows..

but ive been thinking you know..and i think i want to make it a goal to get off the medication in the next year...well it may take longer than a year..but i do think i want to work towards that..and see...hmm there are a lot more thoughts with that but no time to write about it right now...more thinking ....

still am hurting a lot about the no therapy thing..trying to deal and be ok and all of that..but i miss having someone to talk to about things..i really do..

about to hit the road

we are leaving around 8am to begin the drive to my sisters...im anxious and nervous and a little excited..i know my sister wants to see me..and ill get to see noa..that is exciting to me..got to get up and do some last minute stuff and get dressed and eat and then we will be hitting the road!

im trying to hold on to the ok feeling...im not rushing...im not going to push myself ..im ust going to work my hardest to take things as they come..

somewhere i will find a smile..and hopefully be able to keep it.

but going to push back the sad thoughts.. thats the plan

just...another day to get through

the tears are to close for comfort..the anxiety doesnt truly go away..i am waiting for the fallout i guess and the waiting is destroying me...i manage to come up with the worst case scenario and then amplify it even bigger than that..in my head im about to walk into an all out war ..and i am already the loser...i am judging myself harshly..and highlighting everything that is wrong with me in my eyes..i want to hurt myself..i want to destroy the bad parts of me..the parts of me that she doesnt like..which i guess is all of me....the urge not to eat is there...the urge to be quiet and good is there..the urge to not fight and agree is there...the urge to become a puppet is there..and they all are at war with themselves and im stuck in the middle with no neutral ground...everything i learned in therapy or talked through feels like it has flown out the window...i feel like i am moving back into survival mode because i cant get myself to stay calm enough to do anything consistently..and i just think..i get so caught up thinking and planning and thinking and disagreeing..and thinking and convincing myself that i need to be perfect..so perfect..and knowing at the same time that it is not possible...i wish i could be okay with being myself ..and maybe i can..but right now..right now all of those ideas are gone and have been replaced with accusations and mean words and hurtful thoughts...i am my own worse enemy :( and that truly makes me sad ...

..mostly sad thoughts

it is supposed to be the happiest time of the year..but i am just sad and riddled with anxiety...im beginning and panic and not feel good...the closer it gets to seeing mommy and the more i feel like i am falling apart at the seams...so so many old thoughts are running through my head..not wanting to eat, wanting to cut, trying to figure out what is acceptable to wear and what is not ... i have to be perfect..and failing means punishment..i have to get it right...i have to be do it right this time so i will fit in..so i will be a ccepted..so i will ust be more than me.. -sigh- so hard right now...i want to be happy but i cant seem to let go of the old thoughts..i cant seem to let go of the fear..the anger..the hurt..its all still there..its still overwhelming..and i can feel myself once again trying to pull myself back inside of myself if that makes sense...i want quiet..i want something..i want to be anyone else..i am afraid of failing and im afraid that i wont be able to handle the disappointment of not being good enough...once again...im trying to anticipate the conversations to prepare myself..but i get scared and stop...i ust go quiet and start thinking a million things..a million thoughts..my chest hurts..my head hurts..i dont have the energy to be happy..im to afraid to be happy..im afriad it will be taken from me ..and what then?? have i mentioned that i am tired ...i really just want to get this over with...and that thought alone takes so much fun out of being at my sisters and with my niece and everyone...im to nervous and anxious about all of it..

today i am lectured about my car and how it looks...the other day i was lectured again about my clothes and what i was going to be wearing... no i just dont fit in at all..no it doesnt matter what i do or dont do..its all about looks and i just keep failing in that department ...it doesnt matter if its me or my car or my apartment..i fail..i always fail..im always reminded that i need to do better..be better...there is no me..there is what everyone else needs and that is it...im am empty and have no idea what i want anymore or what i like..maybe i never did ..maybe ill never be anything but what someone else needs from me..im only as good as the money i can let someone borrow or give someone..that is all ...  no one needs me at all...who would notice if i was gone ?? who would care ?

the struggling hasnt stopped

i am trying to find the words to explain how i am feeling and i am coming up with nothing...my head hurts and im tired of thinking ..

im back to feeling nauseous and sick and sad and upset

i say anita yesterday and it took everything i had not to cry while i was there .... i agreed to being referred but there is a wait list... i have the option of seeing her once a month but if every visit leaves me feeling so broken then im not sure it is worth it..im really not ... i dont know how to tell her how i am feeling..and i get so sad that i dont want to talk to her about anything..and once a month will do nothing in the way of helping manage anything..there will be to much time inbetween..or i will forget and then i just keep struggling ... like i told her..i have to manage myself ..but managing myself means all sorts of things...i slept all day today...woke up around 3:30...feeling sick..my head hurts and im having trouble thinking .. i just want to hide out ..  im so tired...im wanting to die .. i feel so very alone ... i know logically that i am not alone but i am feeling alone ...  

stomach woes

my stomach has not been feeling good lately...i keep feeling nausous and my stomach hurts and cramps and just overall feels gross and to full...in the past week and i half ive thrown up 5 times and had other issues going on to...my stomach goes from sour to not sour but constantly hurts...so im eating more bland things..today ive had noodles and ginger ale .. and some naesuea medicine.. im so hoping my stomach calms down because i have things to do later this week..like well tomorrow and friday and my stomach hurting is not helping anything ... not to mention i kinda want some real food lol..but i figure i can keep things light for now and hopefully by saturday my stomach will be ok enough that i can get a baked potato!  but for now i think ill be sticking to ginger ale, noodles, dry toast, and apple sauce...i think that is all i can handle ..im trying to take care of myself and i just dont feel good...

i was thinking last night and i realize that around this time last year i ended up sick and in the hospital ...  maybe it is stress aggravating all of this ...i dont know ...its blahish

mentally i feel a little better than yesterday...im worn out and struggling ... maybe its a good thing that i know im struggling and trying to keep myself busy...i have no idea why i was crying yesterday ..but yeah i was a mess and ended up sleeping most of the day away...i slept ok last night and i got up this morning feeling a little tired ..but sick..so blah..but im thinking a little more clearly today..so ill take it i guess..

going down...

i know i am being mean and cranky and irrational and jealous and angry and sad and it just keeps going back and forth...revolving door ... i dont know what to do with myself...i want to just keep hiding away in bed...i feel useless .. bogged down...unable to manage ... i have no way to get it out..its just staying inside..there is no pressure valve to help..not safe ones anyway...i get closer and closer to making poor decisions ..but i want to feel better...i have to get through the rest of the holidays .. already the expectations from mommy on how i look and what to wear makes me feel bad about myself...i didnt need any help..and ive been trying to become more ok with myself..and one conversation had me right back to feeling awful and sad and wanting to be mean to myself .. its like im still not good enough..not with two jobs because i can always squeeze in a third..not with eating because i still get sick...not with my weight becuase im not losing fast enough...things mount against me increasingly fast...and i am left feeling inadequate and stupid ... my thoughts are getting away from me ..and i just keep thinking that i should be better..i should know better...and i dont ...and i keep getting stuck and i keep feeling bad and i start to feel like its better if i just end it now ..and i forgot that this time of year is rough..and look i have no therapist anymore..so i may as well just keep quiet and suck it up and deal with life but then i just want to not be here anymore because it all becomes to much and i dont know how to help myself and im not sure i even want to some days...and i dont feel like i can really talk to anita anymore..ill go and say goodbye and wish her well..but she isnt privy to anything about me anymore..she isnt going to be there so there is no need to tell her anything..so just another week of trying and failing to manage and get by.. i better stop...

drained

my brain is feeling very sluggish..slow..like it feels like it is taking me a long time to form and organize my thoughts...i know i am struggling today..and im trying my hardest ..but i just want to escape..yesterday started the downward spiral again and i feel stuck in it..i feel sick and tired and my head hurts and i just want to sleep..i dont want to think or do anything..just sleep away each day...

sarah got me roses today .. a surprise..they are wonderful and i love them..i have them on my dresser so i can keep looking at them...

depression has me firmly in its grip currently...

i am tired

im nervous about seeing the med doc...i feel like im still in shut down mode but i also know that she will have read the notes from my last therapy session and she may go along with me not seeing anyone..but if things get bad she will make me see someone...not force so much..as you arent leaving until i know you are safe see someone...it happened before...it will most likely happen again.. i dont know what i want ...

today is monday

i would be lying if i said i wasnt looking for ways to hurt today...  maybe ill just escape into sleep as much as i can today...  my routine is off now without mondays being therapy days... :(  i feel alone

where i am ..

i truly wish i had some concrete idea of where i am going or what i am doing..but i dont ... knowing that i wont be seeing anita or getting that support is really hard to deal with ... i do have an appointment with her in a couple weeks that i have finally decided to keep and not cancel..because i know the session for this week was a bust..it was pretty awful and i was being mean..well i feel like i was being mean and i guess i need to talk to her about how im feeling... im not struggling as much with the negative thoughts but if i stop and think to hard about it then they come flooding back...i am safe ..i dont think i really want to be but i am...i also know that if i have to much of a break down and start cutting again then courtney will kinda force me into seeing someone new..or else try to get me into the hospital and i want to avoid that..im just taking things day by day...and hoping i will be able to keep myself safe and ok..i dont want to be jealous that sarah has all sorts of support and i just lost mine..but i think it just makes me sad that i feel so alone all of a sudden..and so ive been keeping to myself more i guess..i mean i still do stuff with sarah of course and i did actually tell her how i was feeling..its just hard finding level ground right now..

sarah got me some new video games and ive been spending a lot of time playing them..it helps keep me distracted...ive ordered some christmas gifts and i got me some new long sleeve shirts and pjs and bras .. i still have a little more shopping to do though..we leave to go to nias on the 22 and come back on the 27th..i wanted to stay down there through new years but mommy may be going up to nias and i just dont want to have to deal with that...mommy doesnt know i dont have my day job anymore or that i have extra hours with sarah...i dont want to argue with her about it .. i dont want to hear how i need that job because i cant get anything else..no..ill just leave..and thats the end of it... i hate how mommy always tries to make it seem like sarah cant handle things...like with going to nias..she says that its good we have a hotel because it might be to loud and crowded for sarah..or sarah needs more privacy..something along those lines...i mentioned henrys new years eve party and im told..oh its gonna be a bunch of his friends from college you dont want to go..or he doesnt have a lot of space you wouldnt have fun...but i let it go .. i dont have the energy to argue ..so i listen and hurry to get off the phone...its like me and sarah go all over the place and manage just fine..but mommy just has to put in her two cents when it comes to family stuff..well she has to add her two cents into everything but it hurts more with the family stuff...

we are planning the ceremony for next oct and im scared to death to even mention it to mommy...i want her to come..but i am deathly afraid that she wont .. that she will tell me again that she doesnt agree and that she isnt going to come... even writing it makes me anxious and sad...ive talked to nia about it of course..i cant even invite anyone else in my family because mommy is so determined to make sure no one knows... but i have friends up here who want to come..and im trying to focus on that...we dont plan on having a huge ceremony so less than 50 people...but i want it to be a happy day..not a stressful one...but the fear of letting her know about it is huge..and its not even that i will be asking her for money..no sarah and i will figure out how to pay for it by ourselves..so that no one feels obligated to chip in i guess...i dont know... it is beginning to overshadow things though..and that just makes me sad...we are going to look at a possible place to have it next week..so i will know more then...

the cats are there usual bad selves and getting into everything!  but when i was sick the other night gizmo would sit in the bathroom with me and lay down with me...i think i saw him pretty much all night lol..my stomach is feeling better though..

my world has stopped

my world has stopped moving in a sense..im feeling to many things and im struggling to put things into words..i can feel myself wanting to react ..wanting to hurt and im trying to remain safe but with each hour my desire to stay safe decreases,,and i am wondering what i am going to do..or not do .. or whatever..my thinking is negative and numb and sometimes my head just feels so empty.. well since yesterday ... i am broken

i saw my therapist yesterday and she told me that this would be her last week..that she found another job...somewhere in my head/heart i know i am happy for her...but right now all i feel is hurt..i am angry..sad..betrayed..and very very hurt...there was no real warning..i hadnt seen her for 3 weeks! and i go see her yesterday only to find out that this is her last week..and she told me and i automatically started shutting down..i wouldnt look at her..i said no to everything and left early..it was to painful..i was trying so hard not to cry..so i told her i would just leave early...i almost made it out of the building before i started to cry...driving and crying like that probably wasnt the best idea but i couldnt sit in the parking lot either .. so i came home .. i cant really process all that happened. i know i shut her out and it happened without any real thought from me..it just happened.. she mentioned that she will be seeing ppl on thusrday evening ..but that i wouldnt be able to come every week..and so i dont think that is going to be helpful..i dont want a new person ..i give up on therapy..she is the longest i have been with one therapist and actually talked to her..i dont..i cant start over..
old thoughts take over my head..pretending and hiding and getting by..that is all i have to do..and just slip by unnoticed...that is all i can do..for now though..silence is all i want..

fear

ive been having bad dreams...every night this week...every time they are filled with death and fear and im never able to save anyone..i cant even save myself...dreams about being at home..being in the hospital..trying my hardest and still failing miserably ...icant save my family, i cant save sarah..icant even save the cats...im awful and useless....i dont want to sleep and i am feeling incredibly anxious and afraid...im worried that i will lose everyone and everything..im worried that i will end up alone and lost ... and i dont know..i feel aimless right now..unsure of what it is that i need to do...im trying to find some sort of happiness but i just want to cry...i dont know what to do with myself ..

depression ...

my mood has gradually hit rock bottom and i am struggling to remember why it is that i am alive..i feel sad..like more than just sad..like there is nothing left in me..and i dont know why...i am scared and worried about things ...i want to be happy for the holidays..i want to be happy so very very much..and still i cant even seem to do that...and i have no where for my thoughts to go..another week with no therapy..its like the pressure builds in my skull and there is no release..no safety valve...im nervous...ive found a razor but im not supposed to cut...im supposed to be good .. and im failing at that every day..i just want to go away..

No therapy and other stuff

I went to therapy on Monday only to find out that Anita was on vacation..and will be on vacation for two weeks.. I was more upset that I wasn't told..and I showed up..and then couldn't talk to her....maybe that is why my anxiety is up right now..I'm picking my fingers apart..like literally peeling the skin off of my fingers..gross I know..I try to stop and just as quickly I start up again..I don't know...

Mommy is better and at home now..she flew back Tuesday... I still won't be seeing her til Christmas though..

My eating is getting better though..I can tell a difference in my body already...I still have a long way to go but its getting better.. I m still having some stomach issues but every day it eases a little bit more..now I just have to stay with it and make it through the holidays !

I'm currently wasting away doing laundry.. This has to be the most boring thing ever!!! And its not even all of it..ugh...kill me now!

Yesterday was great

Sarah and I went to movies and out to dinner yesterday.. It was a lot of fun and nice to get out and have fun..we saw the trolls movie..I loved it :)

where do i go from here ?

well this has been an eventful week...and as it is coming to an end..i feel like i need to find some direction or something in my life..but the thing is..right now i dont want direction.. in all honesty..im tired of direction..i want a chance to do nothing for a little while..to get my self back on level ground..and i think im just going to focus on the holidays for now and getting through them...i know my stress and what not is always elevated this time of year and so maybe having more time to just not be expected to do anything is a good idea...i still have a job..i still have things to do...but i have more time during the day to get things done...but i want time to get my head in a better place..once again im wanting stabillity for my own issues..and then ill move forward into looking for another job..but im not going to stress myself out about it...i have paid all my bills for this month and now my attention is on other things...im tired but im ok with my current decisions.  and i might get a kitten... that particular decision is still in debate mode :)

thoughts on the election

i really wish i could turn off the news..i wish i could ignore all the newsfeeds..the calls to action..the protests..the hate..the injustice...the knowledge that so so many people didnt vote...but most of all i wish i could turn off the fact that trump is the president...

i try not to post political things or things that cause a huge divide because i hate the division. i hate knowing that as a nation we have voted in a man who has no love for anyone other than himself )in my opinion). I am speaking for myself.  I am speaking on my own thoughts. 

I have loosely followed the election, I grew tired of them attacking each other.  I grew tired of the threats, the shame, the guilt, the name calling.  They acted like children throughout the whole election.  It was disheartening and so i stopped watching, but that did not get rid of the election.  I still heard what was going on, I still listened, and I still saw.

When i woke up on wednesday morning and saw who won i didnt know what to do.  I was upset, scared, worried..i am still those things..but again i am bombarded with being told i need to protest..that i dont care if i didnt vote one way..or that voting 3rd party was stupid..there is protesting and it breaks my heart.  There are children bullying other children..telling them to go home..taunting them with yells of "build the wall"..people are being attacked..and my world slowly narrows with each passing day..

i dont feel safe...i am worried when i leave the house..my paranoia has increased ... because i am a women, because i am black, because i am a lesbian, because i am not normal...the odds are swiftly stacking against me..and with everything going on its like i have to ask myself what extra minority class do i fall into...all things that i had no choice in..but all things that will condemn me..

but i have to keep living..i have to keep making it...i cant cave in and give up..and i cant predict the future..i dont know what is going to happen..i truly dont..but i have enough worries going on that adding in the state of the entire usa is a bit much...like i have to keep reminding myself to focus on what is going on right now...what do i need to manage right now..i cant worry about what things might be like a year from now..crap i cant even worry about a month from now..i stop functioning if i skip to far ahead and try to come up with a plan that has no basis..no foundation... i need something concrete to happen..something concrete to fight against...words alone mean nothing..again this is my opinion ..

all of the protests change nothing...the rioting just ends up with more people being hurt...the bullying and harming of others because they are different hurts..and all of it together makes me feel so alone..but i have to keep going ... i wont hate ...  i wont hurt anyone else ... i wont hate ..

saying goodbye

the hardest ..saddest part of leaving my job...was saying goodbye to the clients and knowing i would not be seeing them again... they tell me have a good weekend and see you on monday and i cant respond :(  i wish i could make them understand..but maybe its better that i cant..maybe in there world there is no such thing as goodbye..and they will just think that they will see me again..that i will show up one day..that i will return and pick up where i left off with them...and it hurts..i can put on a brave face..but it hurts.. :(  maybe its better i wasnt able to tell them goodbye...

randomness of life right now

well...to continue with the randomness of today...i made the reservations to go to my sisters for christmas...well sarah and i of course...we have to stay at a hotel because i do not even want to begin to argue with mommy over the bedroom..so we will go to a hotel and just cut out the drama.. with me getting rid of my other job i know it will be a bit tighter financially but we will need to start figuring out who will be getting what for christmas...

ill be staying here for thanksgiving..no plans of going anywhere at all..just relaxing ...cooking....hanging out...im not going to make a gigantic dinner but we will have a nice little set up...turkey, loaded mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, mac and cheese, gf stuffing, broccoli and carrots and gf rolls of some sort...the entire meal will be gf ... im so proud of myself for making the efforts to make changes ...im slowly moving back into not eating gluten..i didnt go off of it cold turkey..but im giving myself the option you know..ive almost managed to get it down to only one meal with gluten during the day..vs all meals having gluten!  im working on it seriously..let me get this down and then ill work on my sudden growing soda habit..essh .. i am having pizza for dinner today though..but ive planned on that...

i went to aldi yesterday and found gf stuffing!  gf chicken soup, a better gf bread and gf wraps...im pretty excited..and they did not cost me my first born child..so that was super good...

mood is kinda down..ok a lot down..ive been reading a lot and watching movies...trying to escape..sarah isnt feeling well and im worried about her...its sad being here without bounce..it really is...but each day managed is a good one i think..

mommy

all day my thoughts have gone back and forth..im scared and worried and still crying off and on ... the day started off like any other monday..but i got to work and all hell broke lose with family stuff... i missed some calls from nia but wayne managed to get me ... mommy had a heart attack... to put it nicely i totally and utterly lose it at work..they wouldnt let me leave until i calmed down...as i tried to explain why i needed to go home and couldnt be understood because i was crying so hard..eventually i got out what the phone call was and calmed down and came home...well mostly calmed down..i talked to nia, henry and wayne...henry had come home from work too...this is major..this is all encompassing .. this is just to much.its like the world has been pulled out from underneath me and im left with no idea of what to do...im forced to wait..i could try calling her again but i want her to actually rest..but i am still freaked out..

the story as pieced together as it will get..is that mommy got sick last night and called uncle clyde who came over and stayed with her...she still wasnt feeling better this morning and went to the hospital... mommy never willinginly goes to the hospital..ever..so for her to agree to go means this was a major deal...she goes the the hospital and they transfer her to the cardiac hospital after figuring out she had a heart attack...i managed to talk to her for a few minutes while she was being transported from one hospital to the other...but she got to the second hospital where they ran tests and found that she had a 100% blockage and immediately took her to surgery...and she got through the surgery fine and is in icu now..she wont be released for a few days and the doc most likely wont be clearing her to fly home ..so she will have to stay in ohio for a bit..

and that is where things are at for now...we are all passing messages and phone calls back and forth to let everyone know what is going on...and the eye opening part is that mommy said she had been feeling sick for a few days..lightheaded, nausous, etc and didnt go to the hospital..explained it away as something else..and now she is in the hospital..hours away for a heart attack..she was supposed to be on vacation...she was supposed to be coming home today and for this to happen...i am scared...very very scared ...

i just cant ...

once again i am left wondering how it is i keep failing at work stuff...ive tried explaining it to mommy and her response is that i need this job..i need to keep this job..and it makes me feel like i have no other options..that i have to stay at a job that is not a good fit for me..because i have no choice..because i screwed up...i tried to explain that my hours are being decreased..her response was well now i have time for a THIRD job...yes she actually said this ..that i should go back to working part time at a job ive had before..and at that point i just stopped trying...right now i work 8 - 5 or 6 ...which overlaps my other job which is technically 3:30 to ll:30..monday through friday... my docs tell me there is always time for doing things for myself and i really wonder what extra time they are talking about! i mean my second job is not taxing and i do have time to chill and what not...but where exactly do i fit in a third job? where do i make time for me to do anything that all other than work in some form or fashion? my hours for sat & sun go from 8am - 11am...given i am technically working and laying in bed since i live here too lol..but ugh...ive been thinking about all of this since yesterday when i talked to mommy and no matter how i try to work it .. i cant see myself having three jobs and i told mommy that i wouldnt get a third job...i cant...mentally i can not handle a third job...crap im struggling with 2..and if im not working im sleep..i keep looking at my schedule and trying to find extra time..i keep thinking that i have to find some time..i need to find another job..i cant not work..i have to keep doing things or i fail...the whole conversation yesterday made me feel like an utter failure...again

work woes ... :(

i am feeling very angry..and upset and well ive stopped crying but yes i was ready to put in my two week notice at work today..well on wed when i go back...i honestly told t that i spazzed out at the hotel yesterday and wouldnt leave..i told my job i was still out of town this morning..and that was the end of it i thought...when we got home today..i had a message from work saying that my time off request for tomorrow was not approved and that i would be on the schedule...i told her again that i had doctors appointments tomorrow and couldnt come in..and so i wouldnt be there..ok skip ahead and im told i need to call the director and talk to her about it because i technically didnt turn in my time off request. on friday before i left to go out of town..all of them had already left the office and i just forgot to write it and give it to them..so i left it on the stove in the kitchen..i forgot to call on monday and ask the supervisor to turn it in for me..so im told today that my request will be accepted...i call and talk to the director after being asked who i turned in my time off request to..obviously they got it..but whatever..i call the director and tell her that i cant come in tomorrow and apoligize for having to have today off...im told that i show no respect to them..im told i didnt call out two hours in advance this morning when i have the calls on my phone...i called at 5:45am...2 hours in advance of my 7:45 shift..they say i called in only an hour in advance...the conversation ends with her telling me that she will talk to me on wed when i come in... why am i getting a talking to? im not a child? the entire thing upset me to the point of tears...i was ready to put in my two weeks notice and be done with it...but of course i had t today and so she injected some rational thoughts into the mix..like they are following procedure and what not...so by the time i left i agreed to go on wed and see what happens...t told me that if i need her later in the week to call her..but im feeling so confused..every time i think about what has happened..i get angry...i dont want to be there...at the same time it is a job and i am expected to suck it up and deal with it like an adult...t mentioned that sometimes the kids react to adult situations and then im left to clean up the mess that may be the fall out...which then made me tell her that i wasnt talking to her anymore..with lots of pouting and whining and almost an all out tantrum (which did not help my case either) dang she read me like a book today and i hate when she does that..i hate when she gets logical too..and the pouting and upset feelings are returning...blah..i dont understand why i am reacting so strongly to this ... am i overreacting ?? am i wrong ? im not sure i want to know if im wrong...the annoyed pouty one doesnt want to be told she is wrong..she wants to walk in and quit...the adult me cas see the procedures and stuff in place and its like ok..maybe i was wrong and didnt follow protical and so i have to be written up..but again i dont like feeling like im in trouble..or on pens and needles at my job...t knows that but like my sister and mom dont ..and i cant explain it to them..well i cant with my mom..im frustrated and feeling incredibly impulsive...my body shakes with the need to do something ..anything..so im sitting here writing ..knowing that is not what is wanted..i have to keep it together...i think..i have to see what wed will bring but again..this is one of the things that you cant tell me about and then leave me alone with my thoughts..your going to talk to me ok..but in my head ive been fired three different ways, and killed, and all sorts of stuff....ugh...i dont know what to do...

RIP Bounce

I found out today that Bounce died at some point this weekend :(   i knew she had been acting a bit different..but i thought she was still adjusting to the new kitten..i was going to take her to the vet when i got back..but its to late now :(  i feel sad and upset and sad... i didnt get to say goodbye..ill never see her again ..

i got bounce in 2010 ...she made it to 7... she has moved with me numerous times...she has lived and been so very loved..she was my friend..shes been with me through so very much..she has dealt with a lot ... i will miss her... i wont forget her. ill never forget her.

Bounce 

2010 - 2016

recap....this week

well..i did it...i asked to be taken off of the schedule for the rest of this week. i actually asked yesterday but i came in today to go to the pumpkin patch (eeewwww)..but im off tomorrow and friday..to catch up on my notes and stuff... tuesday was a really awful day at work and i was just stressed out and worried about work stuff and home stuff and i was ready to cry at work because i was getting so overwhelmed...and they kept threatening to take me off the schedule anyway..so i just asked to be taken off and said i wanted to keep my job..so i have two days to get ALL my notes in...but the break from work seriously relieved A Lot of stress that i was holding on to...and i am able to think more calmly and clearly and stuff ...i have to prepare to go out of town..have tons of errands and things to get done..and so the break is much needed anyway..but yeah..we are so short at work and tempers are high and im getting/feeling more and more like giving up...again..im trying to hang on to the job a bit longer ..but its not a long term thing at all ..not at this point. 

i had to go to a med class today and it was about insulin....now i am diabetic..on pills but not on insulin..i refuse to agree to insulin and it is not a major option for me right now..but in the future it could be and that scares me..but the class today scared me too..ugh..and im sitting in there like crap what in the world am i doing to myself you know? i could do so much better with my health and i dont and i just dont fully understand why either..i mean i can go a couple months at a time but then some brings back the old habits and its a vicious cycle..i dont know...like i know all the stuff to do but i just dont do it..or dont stick with it...ugh frustration...

thats been the past couple days though..a lot going on..and major loads of stress but hopefully that will begin to lessen and ill be off work all next week so time away will be good to..
my brilliant light bulb moment from the past couple weeks ?!?! i do not under any circumstances handle stress well ... i guess ive always known that ..but it was kinda brought back to light when t mentioned making a referral for me to get help with stress management..cas i would swear up and down that im fine and im managing ..but yeah...im soooo not managing...but anyhoo...

oh and the whole no personal time kinda came up again...blah

angry

today i am tired and not feeling good at all..im tired of work already and i just got here. im tired of people not showing up and im tired of being yelled at about stupid stuff...im sick of notes and this building and just all of it...i dont want to be here...why am i staying ? i really wish i could figure out why i am staying here? maybe i think that im supposed to have a job..two jobs to prove that i am capable and able to manage and make it...i dont know...im just worn out ..and frustrated right now...there is no time to catch up and im already really behind ...i cant keep the notes on my computer but they put them on my computer..except for the one i pulled from an email yesterday...but i did them..and i refuse to write them over ...i really do..im already majorly behind and i actually turn in the stupid notes for yesterday and all i get is that i was supposed to hand write one set of notes and i want to scream ... i don't have time to redo a set of notes that i typed just because its been decided that i needed to write them...shouldnt you be happier that i actually did them?  whatever.  my mood is not good today ..im actually feeling angry and i didnt take my meds this morning and im feeling sick and have a headache forming...so im just going to be quiet today and get through the day..and go home

stupid allergies

i feel like death..i sound like death and i cant breathe....fml  i just want to sleep but im dragging myself to work today...ugh

maybe im just lying to myself

maybe im not cut out for work...maybe i just cant manage a work setting or not take things personally...as i watch another coworker prepare to quit..i am feeling depressed...at a lost for what i want to do....how can i just suck at so many jobs ??  yesterday has left me feeling quiet and down and sad and overwhelmed and frustrated...i dont want to go to work..i dont do well in enviroments where i feel like i dont know what is going on..and that is what happened yesterday in an extreme way...i was overloaded...anxious..upset..confused..and felt like i was expected to know what was going on but no one told me anything..all of us ..even the floor supervisior got written up yesterday..and then they have the nerve to ask why we arent more motivated?? i saw the floor supervisor crying again yesterday and i wonder how much longer she will stick around with the way she is treated...i dont like that..not to mention i am sick a lot lately....stomach issues...im at a loss for all of that too..im not eating as badly as i have been..but yeah there is still room for improvement of course...but the nausea is a daily thing again..and i hate it...i dont want to even eat anymore...

im ready for vacation...i need to get away..regroup...just think without worrying about work.

less than two weeks away !

im ready to go now ...

missed therapy this week...to stay late and work on notes..but i talked to anita about why i couldnt come in...im not missing next week.

my brain is fried and its only wed.... i want to hide in bed and not do anything at all.

what am i doing ??

im pasively sabatoging my job..im not doing the notes..i can rightfully be fired for not doing the notes..i could cause alot of trouble for the company for not doing the notes..and what have i still not completely done???my notes...im frustrated and annoyed with myself at this point...and im annoyed ill be written up today...my fault completely ..but still...i dont like it..i gotta get my motivation back..something..ugh

ugh.

my stomach has been awful today..and prolly yesterday to if i think about it..but a lot of cramping and trips to the bathroom..im trying my hardest not to call out of work and just go to the bathroom if i need to..but its so embarrassing going back and forth to the bathroom...ugh..i just want my stomach to get its act together...i hate feeling nauseous more than anything else in the world !

rambling

I need to clear the head a bit and well writing is as good an option as any. I keep thinking about my coworker, who tells me she loves me and gives me loads of hugs, and lets me talk and listens and all of this. she has told me things about her life and things that have happened and why she cares for me and my wellbeing and why she is worried about me. I keep trying to tell her that I am fine and that im okay and managing. Still she tells me that she worries and she figured out the cutting herself, the first day she met me at work. She has a family member that did it and so she knew. I couldnt figure out what she was hinting at when she talked to me at the beginning of the week..but by friday i needed her to spell it out for me. i needed her to say what it was and to hear how she figured it out. i also told the dumbest lie ever about being clumsy and falling alot ..and she listened and then told me to stop lying to her. i worry when she says that she is worried about me harming myself..i worry that if i take what she is offering that i will overwhelm her..that i will run her away..that she will come to hate me..that i will be to much to deal with. a lot of fears popping up..and all of this happens after i mention needing help..i keep thinking that also..i have talked to her mom who told me to hang in there...ive talked to her daughter who has dealt with suicidal feelings and things and she told me to be strong. . people i have never met..who seem to care about me and im the dork questioning why..maybe im just afraid to accept it..to allow myself to really just take it for what it is..to be loved and cared for..the most innocent of conversations has created an avalanche of care and it is a little overwhelming maybe. i want it. gosh i want it but i am afraid. what if she wants something from me? what if she is not trustworthy or hurts me or hates me? so many what -ifs..and i hate what-ifs. i drive myself crazy with what ifs ..she invited me and sarah to the fair..all week i avoided giving her an answer..she husband worked on my car for me today.. and so i asked sarah and we ended up going...and it was fun..i was a bit jealous because i wanted my friend to myself and had to share her with her friends and sarah and her step daughter...but she did take time out to check in with me and give me hugs .. i want to be around her and of course only her ..and i cant help but think about some things t has said to me about my behaviors when it comes to me getting attached and how i want all or nothing..there is no inbetween and something about making them pay for caring for me...hmm i think im getting the wording wrong on that one..but its like i take what they offer and then demand more..or become manipulative in ways to get more attention and stuff..and its like im a leech and im just sucking the person dry..because i dont accept what they are giving for what it is..does that make sense? hmmm .. i dont want to be a leech but i can tell the attachment is trying to form..and i can tell that i want all of her attention..but i dont want her to feel sorry for me..i want more than i can give..and im not entirely sure that is fair..i dont know how to have that equal give and take in a friend relationship..and of course i push these types of relationships into parent mode..or i try to ..and then i become overwhelming and needy..well im already those things but now it is being directed at someone outside of me..and things become a bit murky..blah...but ok.. umm yeah went to the fair...and ate french fries and funnel cake (not all of it) and ate steak on a stick ! lol that amuses me so very much it seems..played a couple games and won a questionable mammal? i thought it was a parrot...it is not a parrot ! but it has no arms and its bring yellow and just umm a little weird . and i got some chicken tenders that went from one side of the paro to the other with me and then walked all the way to the car with me and then drove to the candy store with me and then drove home and switched cars and arrived at home in a bucket so i can eat them :D the chicken tenders have truly experienced life today hehe. but i am worn out..majorly..we have been out ALL day! im gonna lay here and keep thinking about my chicken tenders it seems. i like chicken tenders and things on sticks it seems

its been a long week

sadly it is not over with yet... im just worn out this week..tired and very worn out..i dont know why im so tired this week..but i am..i mean its been gray and rainy all week...storms yesterday that had me on edge...more storms supposed to be coming ... im not feeling great but it could be worse..im super aware of what im eating..and when i am feeling sick...it is so up and down that it is frustrating...i feel like im not doing enough but i dont think my body could do anything else...did i mention im just tired?? ive been like 5 - 10 minutes late every day this week! ugh..

my mood is really down..like im working to be ok at work but even that is hard..im quieter...im no as involved..i want to hide...my anxiety has been up all week..probably not getting paid tomorrow may have something to do with that..but if i dont get paid tomorrow then ill definitely get paid on monday...its just frustrating..and my mood is crazy and i really do just want to hide most of the time..

is it my medicine? is it my stress?  is it my anything ?

i want to keep talking to my co worker and each day a little bit comes out..but im still hiding..and well talking about big things are tiring too...

i have a lot on my mind but i am stuck right now...and just tired...

work..and talking and stuff

you know when i went to work this morning i did not have a plan to talk to my coworker about what has been going on..well more about sarah and our relationship...i could have denied it when she asked...but i didnt ..and she put it together..and it was like oh crap what have i done..and then it was like i trust her...i hope my trust is not misplaced..we spent the day talking off and on about things ..about how mommy doesnt want me to share with anyone and how she acts and stuff with sarah..the day was tiring but talking about hard stuff always makes me feel tired..she didnt push..she talked to me about her daughter and how she accepted her...she asked me if i was depressed and i said yes without really going into detail .. she told me not to be depressed.. that is such a loaded question for me...i wanted to talk to her but gee we were at work surrounded by clients lol..not the time for a heart to heart..i have to be careful not to share to much though...i have to just be careful

depressed

i cant seem to get the depressed feelings to let go of me..im just sad right now and im struggling a lot ...i ffeel like i want to just cry for a good long while but i cant...there are a million things i want to do..well a million things i need to do..there isnt much that i actually want to do these days. im trying..i really am..and until anita mentioned it i wouldnt have said in a million years that i was stressed..but i am..im worrying and thinking on a constant basis. i cant get my thoughts to stop..ive been out of klonopin for a few days and i can feel the tension in my back building..my back hurts..my shoulders hurt...i cant relax because i might forget something..

so much anxiety..so anxious im staying depressed..my thoughts make me sad..and then i just look for ways to hurt myself..i cant keep cutting..and just as quickly that is the only option that occupies my mind...

maybe there isnt any help for me ...maybe i just have to manage and deal and not make a fuss...which means keeping things to myself...which means hiding...which means doing things i shouldnt do..

my thinking is tainted..i feel quiet...very very quiet..but im screaming so loudly in my head..but for what i dont know..

happy birthday

ok so i took an awful picture of the cake .. but im sure everyone knows it says happy birthday! 

i went out and got a cake this morning..and had mcdonalds for lunch and dinner..and had cake and fruit punch... its been a quiet day..playing games, reading, watching movies.. my mood has been up and down big time...ive managed to hurt myself a lot today.. i cant get the thoughts to stop..its so hard to stop once i get going..but now i am laying here..just thinking a bit about things..wondering about things..i told my sister about a day that didnt happen..and that made me sad..i know it will happen at some point..but it didnt happen today.. and thats ok.. but still im drowning in sadness...my day itsself wasnt bad...but i hate feeling so very alone when sarah is just in the other room..but it is like we are worlds apart..both struggling with different things at the same time...

but i have gotten coloring books, and a build a bear, and shopkins, and things for my birthday..oh and alcohol..cant forget the alcohol! havent even opened any of it because my stomach hurts so often..blah ... but i have it ..i dont think i need any more coloring books though!  ive been stocked up on them majorly. :)  but i love all of my books..they are all so different and cool..

i dont know what to really write about..my thoughts are a bit drifty tonight..maybe im just sleepy..and am thinking a little TO much right now..who knows..but maybe sleep soon is a good idea.

rough day

today has been an all around rough day... im so tired of everything...im frustrated and feeling tearful still..ive been crying off and on all day..i cried almost the entire time i was with courtney...i didnt like the doc i had to see this morning ..she wasnt my regular doc and she didnt listen..and i couldnt explain to her what was really going on because i didnt know her...and so it was a waste of an appointment and just frustrated me...seeing courtney when i was already upset and tearful just made it worse..and i started crying..i didnt have an all out bawl fest but i was pretty close..she asked if i needed to go to the hospital...of course i said no...i wouldnt even agree to promise or agree to not cutting...i cant ..not right now..i did say i have no intention of killing myself and that is completely true..i dont ... but i am incredibly depressed..upset..so many things and i dont know what to do with the feelings and so im writing tonight to maybe prevent any other behaviors..ive already binged today..to the point of feeling incredibly sick..maybe i wont take anything else out on myself today...maybe...im not feeling to strongly on that thought right now..it prolly doesnt help that i am feeling so negative and alone .  sarah is back from the hospital which is nice..but it makes me sad feeling so forgotten..and im trying hard not to make it about me and im trying hard to remember that it is something else going on...but i am feeling alone and that just makes me feel worse..and im being quiet and just waiting for something..i dont know...i dont have the energy to go and make conversation when i feel like it is still like talking to someone who isnt there..and my heart breaks just a bit each time there is no recognition...waiting is all there is to do with this i guess..and reporting changes and what not back to the doctor.. so like i said..i will schedule my breakdowns for some week in the far off future i guess..i guess i can break as long as no one knows...

i wonder if i can just sleep through tomorrow?? ill probably pass the day quietly ..not sure what to do with myself ..  maybe i can go to the movies or something..maybe i can just lay here and ignore the day..but i know mommy and nia will call and so i have to find some sort of level ground to be able to talk to them without being asked a million times whats wrong...i cant talk about whats wrong..im not even 100% sure i know whats wrong..but something is wrong...something is very wrong and the only way i know how to deal is to take it out on myself of course..sadly.  im not upset that i cut yesterday..but im sad that i will have new scars .. i sad i feel the need to keep cutting.to manage in silence..to scream as loud as i can and not be heard by anyone...i feel like im fading into the background..

i give up on writing...just talked to the aide and she isnt coming tomorrow which is fine i guess...its not like the day mattered or anything..i just have the day off from work..i guess i will be staying in tomorrow.  happy birthday to me ..yaaaay .. i wish i could explain the emotions that are funneling through me right now...but i cant..i just dont know how to say it..i dont even want to feel it...another birthday that will slip by..yeah  writing is not helping at all..

tonight

tonight i am hurting.  i dont want anyone to listen to me because i dont want to talk.  so im writing instead. it cant take back the cutting but maybe it will calm down some of the thoughts that make me want to continue...i want to search for and find a place of emptiness, a place of quietness..my thoughts have run far away from me today and i am just feeling broken...

i guess i am stressed out...

sarah is in the hospital.they admitted her..they think she has an infection that is causing her to be forgetful..like she was wondering the hospital and didnt know where she was..and they took her to the ER ..and called me and kept calling until i came..i was trying to avoid going honestly..im afraid of hospitals..and her forgetfulness scares me...i dont want to be forgotten..i have a huge fear of being forgotten and so seeing her forget me is really really hard and causes me to react without thinking..i want to yell and scream and cry but i cant ..so instead i cut..i have to make myself strong enough to manage without breaking..i have to fend off my own breakdown to make sure i am available for saarah..and im trying..im trying really really hard...i stayed at the hospital till they took her to her room...i talked to the doctors and just sat with her as she forgot me..

my birthday will be cancelled..if sarah is in the hospital then that is where my attention needs to be ..there is no time for anything else.. so it will be abother day.that i am trying to deal with safely..but again my thoughts have gone to the darkside..and i am struggling to find purpose..or anything to hold on to.

my stomach is bothering me...repeated trips to the bathroom..i missed work again today...im going to be fired if i keep missing work..there are so many more expectations laid on my head..paying wayne back now and not later..bills..saving..all financial stuff coming up and that always causes me to struggle..

im behind in work..my room is a mess..i dont feel good..im tired...im sick..im cranky..

im alone..ad right now i just need the pain..i need something else..i have to make it through the next few days...and i think silence will have to be my friend...silence and pain ...

i didnt tell anita because i was to close to crying..because i didnt know what to say..because i was sad and frustrated and upset and i didnt want to be..because my one time to myself truly was interrupted and i had to leave early which left stuff hanging for me..and so i just feel off balance...i feel vulnerable..and still like crying...i am not suicidal ..but i feel like im really close to walking that line..between being unsafe and being suicidal ...

i think i will just go ahead and take the meds and eat dinner..and lay down..

sarahs aide

i know and fully understand that sarahs aide is for her and what not but i truly do not know what i would do without her .. she checks on me as much as she checks on sarah.  she cooks and cleans and does a ton of stuff for both of us..she loves all of the cats and just is always offering care and support.  it means a heck of a lot.  it really does.

today i am proud

it may be a long long time in coming but today i am proud of myself..very proud of myself actually..i got my bank account paid off and fixed..ive paid all the bills...im going out to a party tonight with sarah and some new friends and i went out yesterday with coworkers.  i have money set aside for  the trip in oct..im feeling ok... i really am feeling ok..even though there are still a lot of feelings and things going on i am trying to make the best of it all..i had fun last night...i know ill have fun tonight..its big big things going on..who knew things would be as they are now???!!!  who knew.. and my birthday is next week so i am trying all the harder to be happy about things.. i want it to be a good day..i want it to be a good week. 

i want tacos :) 


but im also being more careful with my eating..my stomach is calming down..i know today i will be eating pizza and cake and stuff cas of the birthday party and well im included in the birthday celebrations..but im not going to over do it.  im going to try not to over do it lol... the thoughts of cutting come and go..but right now it seems i am looking for neutral terriorty with all the behaviors..im back on all of my meds...im going to work..im feeling ok..im doing stuff..little bits of stuff but still..im making friends..

i passed all the tests i had to take last week... i plan on catching up with my notes tomorrow so that i can start the week off right ! 

im feeling more positive.  i hope it sticks around. 

just thinking ..random things

i think i have been a little afraid to write since what i wrote the other day..i think i am waiting for the backlash...thinking about it i probably should have asked anita to call me after she read it or got it or whatever..i could have called her but i guess ive just been a little bit nervous about it all..and i can tell my eating is gradually slowing down from what it has been...good thing or bad thing..i truly have no idea..it really could just be that my stomach hurts so often that eating is just not high on the list of things to do...im eating smaller amounts but drinking a lot still..but i pretty much always prefer to drink things ..im always thirsty.

work has been stressful in its own way this week..ive been stuck doing tests and things for work and they are long and dull and boring..and i spend 8 hours stuck in an office staring at the walls..ugh..it is painful..

my current obsession is chicken tenders from martins...actually any food from martins ..but mostly i just get breakfast and chicken tenders for lunch..i truly am going to turn into a chicken one of these days..

things are fine with sarah of course ..we are talking a lot about my birthday and things..and what i want to do..im going out with my coworkers on friday for drink and dinner for my birthday..and then saturday sarah and i are going to a little birthday party meetup type thing...and then i have off next wed for my birthday. :)  i think im probably going to get myself some new books and movies and maybe a pair of sneakers ... my feet have been hurting so i think that is a logical thing..and im going to cash in my jar of change and maybe get some little toys from target..i want to go look back in target hehe.