anxiety !

with going home tomorrow my anxiety has skyrocketed into no mans land..ugh...it has been a rough and very shaky day..i still get filled with dread when going home and having to be around mommy..it hasnt changed in all these years :(  i dont know if it ever will change..the stress and worry and anxiousness just makes me so tired and leaves me on edge..and very close to tears ... im seeing courtney next week and hopefully i will be able to get the anxiety meds back..

but i didnt bail out of going to Muse tonight.  it was a bit harder this time around as i was very anxious. it was more crowded and very loud tonight.  but i absolutely loved the picture  for the night and i feel like i can say i did an awesome job on it! i was super focused and worked really hard on it.  we will probably go back to do one in feb towards the end of the month.

i did a lot of stuff around the house today...kinda to just stay busy..got us both packed, snacks packed, went to the grocery store, cleaned out the cats litter box, baked cookies (GF) , took out the trash, went to Muse, AAND took a nap !  for me this is huge..this is the most active i have been in days ..sometimes the anxiety gets me moving and doing things..when its really bad that is ..

the plus side to going home is of course getting to see marley and the boys, nia and noa will be coming down while we are there so getting to see them also, surprisingly i could care less about the car stuff but it has to be done..

now im laying down..and waiting for sleep...tomorrow is a four hour drive and im trying hand not to push myself to get home and prove i am good enough ... but i know i will still try and still be disappointed..but maybe this time will be different ..maybe