a day ?

yesterday was a little rough as i am taking things immesly personal and reacting in not so great ways ...

like i told mommy i was going to do the pharmacy tech class..so i would have another job if needed and all of that and she shot the idea down completely..i immediately became defensive and by the end of the conversation had just about given up on the idea entirely .. like before talking to her i was so excited about the class..about making a choice for something to do...and after talking to her and have her tell me that the tech class would be a step down for me and that i should be doing something better.  in my opinion she was saying the job was beneath me..and that goes against everything i freakin stand for...nothing is beneath me..im not on some pedestal that makes me better than anyone else...and it hurt a lot. and i shut down totally..i didnt try to think it through because all i could think was that it was a stupid idea and i dont know what i bother trying.  suicidal thoughts are slipping back in and so i went to sleep. i talked to sarah last night and she encouraged me to do it...but i keep going back to mommy and the things she said and i just feel like a disappointment and a failure because i cant seem to manage to do what she wants me to do..i cant seem to manage to be enough for her..nothing i do..i cant lose enough weight, i cant get my skin to look better, im not active enough for her..its all about her .. she says i dont tell her enough or talk to her enough and its like i try and it turns into a very one sided argument until i give up and agree with her...the need to obey is strong again..to do what she says..im a coward...a failure and a coward..there is a lot of anger and i dont know what to do with it so i just end up taking it out on myself...right now it is food that is the weapon...although getting sick the other night was a total surprise..but i am eating way to much..punishment...and my thoughts are pulling in on themselves...i think im struggling but i keep saying im fine. i am fine..sometimes..and sometimes i am so stuck in my head that reality is an illusion..