rough day

today has been an all around rough day... im so tired of everything...im frustrated and feeling tearful still..ive been crying off and on all day..i cried almost the entire time i was with courtney...i didnt like the doc i had to see this morning ..she wasnt my regular doc and she didnt listen..and i couldnt explain to her what was really going on because i didnt know her...and so it was a waste of an appointment and just frustrated me...seeing courtney when i was already upset and tearful just made it worse..and i started crying..i didnt have an all out bawl fest but i was pretty close..she asked if i needed to go to the hospital...of course i said no...i wouldnt even agree to promise or agree to not cutting...i cant ..not right now..i did say i have no intention of killing myself and that is completely true..i dont ... but i am incredibly depressed..upset..so many things and i dont know what to do with the feelings and so im writing tonight to maybe prevent any other behaviors..ive already binged today..to the point of feeling incredibly sick..maybe i wont take anything else out on myself today...maybe...im not feeling to strongly on that thought right now..it prolly doesnt help that i am feeling so negative and alone .  sarah is back from the hospital which is nice..but it makes me sad feeling so forgotten..and im trying hard not to make it about me and im trying hard to remember that it is something else going on...but i am feeling alone and that just makes me feel worse..and im being quiet and just waiting for something..i dont know...i dont have the energy to go and make conversation when i feel like it is still like talking to someone who isnt there..and my heart breaks just a bit each time there is no recognition...waiting is all there is to do with this i guess..and reporting changes and what not back to the doctor.. so like i said..i will schedule my breakdowns for some week in the far off future i guess..i guess i can break as long as no one knows...

i wonder if i can just sleep through tomorrow?? ill probably pass the day quietly ..not sure what to do with myself ..  maybe i can go to the movies or something..maybe i can just lay here and ignore the day..but i know mommy and nia will call and so i have to find some sort of level ground to be able to talk to them without being asked a million times whats wrong...i cant talk about whats wrong..im not even 100% sure i know whats wrong..but something is wrong...something is very wrong and the only way i know how to deal is to take it out on myself of course..sadly.  im not upset that i cut yesterday..but im sad that i will have new scars .. i sad i feel the need to keep cutting.to manage in silence..to scream as loud as i can and not be heard by anyone...i feel like im fading into the background..

i give up on writing...just talked to the aide and she isnt coming tomorrow which is fine i guess...its not like the day mattered or anything..i just have the day off from work..i guess i will be staying in tomorrow.  happy birthday to me ..yaaaay .. i wish i could explain the emotions that are funneling through me right now...but i cant..i just dont know how to say it..i dont even want to feel it...another birthday that will slip by..yeah  writing is not helping at all..