going down...

i know i am being mean and cranky and irrational and jealous and angry and sad and it just keeps going back and forth...revolving door ... i dont know what to do with myself...i want to just keep hiding away in bed...i feel useless .. bogged down...unable to manage ... i have no way to get it out..its just staying inside..there is no pressure valve to help..not safe ones anyway...i get closer and closer to making poor decisions ..but i want to feel better...i have to get through the rest of the holidays .. already the expectations from mommy on how i look and what to wear makes me feel bad about myself...i didnt need any help..and ive been trying to become more ok with myself..and one conversation had me right back to feeling awful and sad and wanting to be mean to myself .. its like im still not good enough..not with two jobs because i can always squeeze in a third..not with eating because i still get sick...not with my weight becuase im not losing fast enough...things mount against me increasingly fast...and i am left feeling inadequate and stupid ... my thoughts are getting away from me ..and i just keep thinking that i should be better..i should know better...and i dont ...and i keep getting stuck and i keep feeling bad and i start to feel like its better if i just end it now ..and i forgot that this time of year is rough..and look i have no therapist anymore..so i may as well just keep quiet and suck it up and deal with life but then i just want to not be here anymore because it all becomes to much and i dont know how to help myself and im not sure i even want to some days...and i dont feel like i can really talk to anita anymore..ill go and say goodbye and wish her well..but she isnt privy to anything about me anymore..she isnt going to be there so there is no need to tell her anything..so just another week of trying and failing to manage and get by.. i better stop...