just...another day to get through

the tears are to close for comfort..the anxiety doesnt truly go away..i am waiting for the fallout i guess and the waiting is destroying me...i manage to come up with the worst case scenario and then amplify it even bigger than that..in my head im about to walk into an all out war ..and i am already the loser...i am judging myself harshly..and highlighting everything that is wrong with me in my eyes..i want to hurt myself..i want to destroy the bad parts of me..the parts of me that she doesnt like..which i guess is all of me....the urge not to eat is there...the urge to be quiet and good is there..the urge to not fight and agree is there...the urge to become a puppet is there..and they all are at war with themselves and im stuck in the middle with no neutral ground...everything i learned in therapy or talked through feels like it has flown out the window...i feel like i am moving back into survival mode because i cant get myself to stay calm enough to do anything consistently..and i just think..i get so caught up thinking and planning and thinking and disagreeing..and thinking and convincing myself that i need to be perfect..so perfect..and knowing at the same time that it is not possible...i wish i could be okay with being myself ..and maybe i can..but right now..right now all of those ideas are gone and have been replaced with accusations and mean words and hurtful thoughts...i am my own worse enemy :( and that truly makes me sad ...