saying that tomorrow is monday holds no real joy or fear for me. it is another day. it just so happens to mean that i made it through the weekend. intact. angry, quiet, sad, and a whole host of other things but i am intact. i am tired. very very tired though. i dont think the suicidal thoughts have gone but they are a little bit quieter at the moment. i have the most random thoughts of hurting myself through out the day..just out of the blue ill wonder about cutting or taking all my medicine or going for a drive and hitting something. blah..ive been trying to stay busy. ive been laying down a lot though. playing games and watching movies. ive been watching a lot of cartoons. my thinking is a lot distracted and all i can handle right now is cartoons.
it makes me incredibly sad to know that i am not able to truly manage without the medication..or without being on something to help my mood or to slow my thoughts down...or to just not act or want things so impulsively ...
tomorrow just puts me one day closer to tuesday and finding out if courtney has any ideas..i am trying to stick to trying a different combination...i think i may need a mood stabilizer .. i dont know .. i called in the refill for the trazadone though..so ill hopefully be able to go and pick that up tomorrow..and i see the behavioral ppl on wed ..i gotta remember that..
i gotta go out and run some errands tomorrow. im hoping i will be able to get them all done without a melt down...umm post office, store, and grocery store and pick up meds.. i look at that and wonder if it is to much .. and that frustrates me too... paranoia is a bit elevated..and i only feel safe at home...which keeps my anxiety up when i have to go somewhere...
have i mentioned that i am just tired..of myself..of everything..
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