shut down.

i thought i was doing the right thing...not talking..covering myself in silence..just getting through the day..and that is saying something because i may as well have been living in a small dark cave the past few days..i thought i was protecting everyone by preventing anyone from knowing just how badly i feel..i thought i was doing what was best..what was good. i could surface for little bits of time, interact and then go back into hiding..but i guess doing things that way has turned something major off and im just not connecting correctly to anyone or anything..but its worked before and i didnt realize i had even shut down this time around..but i have and it has been a total, all out shut down..and seriously the only goal right now is to make it to tuesday.  i didnt realize that i hadnt reached out to my usual friends.  i didnt realize just how alone i had made myself in a matter of days.. i shut everyone out to try to combat the thoughts and anger and feelings and .. i just didnt want to have to force anyone to deal with me..so i buried all of it.. and it has left things a lot messy..like waiting for that pressure valve to pop off and all of it come rushing out.. i didnt know it was happening..i didnt..and now i dont know how to get out of it..i need to keep that control so badly..i cant let anyone know that the control is slipping..so i hide ..and do what i need to and then go back to hiding..because i have to protect myself and keep everyone at arms length so that i know they will be safe too..im fighting myself..im fighting everyone else..im fighting what i think everyone else is thinking..im ust fighting but i think im fighting the wrong battle..im fighting myself..im still fighting myself ..and im still losing ..

im
still
losing

why am i still losing ?  why does my throat close up when i try to ask for help or say whats wrong?  why does it feel like im drowning yet im surrounded by people?  why does it feel like no one can see me when i am standing right there? why do i keep rebuilding those walls that keeps everyone else out?  why do i end up trapped and afraid but still cant scream out for anyone to find me, to pull me out of myself..to not give up on me?  why?