where i am ..

i truly wish i had some concrete idea of where i am going or what i am doing..but i dont ... knowing that i wont be seeing anita or getting that support is really hard to deal with ... i do have an appointment with her in a couple weeks that i have finally decided to keep and not cancel..because i know the session for this week was a bust..it was pretty awful and i was being mean..well i feel like i was being mean and i guess i need to talk to her about how im feeling... im not struggling as much with the negative thoughts but if i stop and think to hard about it then they come flooding back...i am safe ..i dont think i really want to be but i am...i also know that if i have to much of a break down and start cutting again then courtney will kinda force me into seeing someone new..or else try to get me into the hospital and i want to avoid that..im just taking things day by day...and hoping i will be able to keep myself safe and ok..i dont want to be jealous that sarah has all sorts of support and i just lost mine..but i think it just makes me sad that i feel so alone all of a sudden..and so ive been keeping to myself more i guess..i mean i still do stuff with sarah of course and i did actually tell her how i was feeling..its just hard finding level ground right now..

sarah got me some new video games and ive been spending a lot of time playing them..it helps keep me distracted...ive ordered some christmas gifts and i got me some new long sleeve shirts and pjs and bras .. i still have a little more shopping to do though..we leave to go to nias on the 22 and come back on the 27th..i wanted to stay down there through new years but mommy may be going up to nias and i just dont want to have to deal with that...mommy doesnt know i dont have my day job anymore or that i have extra hours with sarah...i dont want to argue with her about it .. i dont want to hear how i need that job because i cant get anything else..no..ill just leave..and thats the end of it... i hate how mommy always tries to make it seem like sarah cant handle things...like with going to nias..she says that its good we have a hotel because it might be to loud and crowded for sarah..or sarah needs more privacy..something along those lines...i mentioned henrys new years eve party and im told..oh its gonna be a bunch of his friends from college you dont want to go..or he doesnt have a lot of space you wouldnt have fun...but i let it go .. i dont have the energy to argue ..so i listen and hurry to get off the phone...its like me and sarah go all over the place and manage just fine..but mommy just has to put in her two cents when it comes to family stuff..well she has to add her two cents into everything but it hurts more with the family stuff...

we are planning the ceremony for next oct and im scared to death to even mention it to mommy...i want her to come..but i am deathly afraid that she wont .. that she will tell me again that she doesnt agree and that she isnt going to come... even writing it makes me anxious and sad...ive talked to nia about it of course..i cant even invite anyone else in my family because mommy is so determined to make sure no one knows... but i have friends up here who want to come..and im trying to focus on that...we dont plan on having a huge ceremony so less than 50 people...but i want it to be a happy day..not a stressful one...but the fear of letting her know about it is huge..and its not even that i will be asking her for money..no sarah and i will figure out how to pay for it by ourselves..so that no one feels obligated to chip in i guess...i dont know... it is beginning to overshadow things though..and that just makes me sad...we are going to look at a possible place to have it next week..so i will know more then...

the cats are there usual bad selves and getting into everything!  but when i was sick the other night gizmo would sit in the bathroom with me and lay down with me...i think i saw him pretty much all night lol..my stomach is feeling better though..