it is supposed to be the happiest time of the year..but i am just sad and riddled with anxiety...im beginning and panic and not feel good...the closer it gets to seeing mommy and the more i feel like i am falling apart at the seams...so so many old thoughts are running through my head..not wanting to eat, wanting to cut, trying to figure out what is acceptable to wear and what is not ... i have to be perfect..and failing means punishment..i have to get it right...i have to be do it right this time so i will fit in..so i will be a ccepted..so i will ust be more than me.. -sigh- so hard right now...i want to be happy but i cant seem to let go of the old thoughts..i cant seem to let go of the fear..the anger..the hurt..its all still there..its still overwhelming..and i can feel myself once again trying to pull myself back inside of myself if that makes sense...i want quiet..i want something..i want to be anyone else..i am afraid of failing and im afraid that i wont be able to handle the disappointment of not being good enough...once again...im trying to anticipate the conversations to prepare myself..but i get scared and stop...i ust go quiet and start thinking a million things..a million thoughts..my chest hurts..my head hurts..i dont have the energy to be happy..im to afraid to be happy..im afriad it will be taken from me ..and what then?? have i mentioned that i am tired ...i really just want to get this over with...and that thought alone takes so much fun out of being at my sisters and with my niece and everyone...im to nervous and anxious about all of it..
today i am lectured about my car and how it looks...the other day i was lectured again about my clothes and what i was going to be wearing... no i just dont fit in at all..no it doesnt matter what i do or dont do..its all about looks and i just keep failing in that department ...it doesnt matter if its me or my car or my apartment..i fail..i always fail..im always reminded that i need to do better..be better...there is no me..there is what everyone else needs and that is it...im am empty and have no idea what i want anymore or what i like..maybe i never did ..maybe ill never be anything but what someone else needs from me..im only as good as the money i can let someone borrow or give someone..that is all ... no one needs me at all...who would notice if i was gone ?? who would care ?
1 comment:
I would notice and I would care.
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