so many things in my head..so many questions and thoughts and feelings and im just currently at a major loss as to what i want my next steps to be..but i have to make a plan..i have to figure everything out..
ok well the trip home was a disaster..a big huge disappointing disaster..and the end result is that i have been changed 4 times for hotels..and i am forced to wait for money to be returned to me..im stuck right now with pretty much nothing..thanks to all the changes on my card..and then my tire blew out on the road and paying for that and borrowing money from sarah.. and being so so overwhelmed..
so i saw the med doc today and agreed to coming off of two of the main meds..so see if they are contributing to the stomach stuff...doc said taper but i dont taper well so im just stopping both of them..because that makes more sense to me..i know it is going to suck royally but i will do it... then i saw my primary doc and my sugar is way up and the insulin talk happened again
we talked about me being constantly sick with the
pills and that maybe they arent right for me. but i want them to be
right. i really really do.. she mentioned ibs and i told her that
sometimes i do think the stomach stuff is aggravated by stress..so i
have an appointment to see the nutritionist..i have an appt to see the
behavioral health people, to work on stress management and stuff..still
no word on seeing a therapist..so still waiting on that...spent an hour and a half on the phone with mommy..where she talked about everything that happened with the hotels and then talked about the tire stuff..then im compared to sarah..and questioned about when im moving out..and she actually asked me if i made sarah give me money to get a new tire on my car yesterday
:(
i didnt..i wouldnt do that..i cant make sarah do a damn thing..but she
questioned me about it. told me i take everything for granted..that i
want everything to be my way. i dont understand :(
she also told me that i need to stop getting stressed and overwhelmed
and crying.... nothing i do is right at all..like all this stuff
happened in three days but i cant feel any negative way about it..i
talked to courtney about what happened and she said me and sarah worked
good together..that sarah helped me calm down and supported me...but
then i talk to mommy and its completely different...i end up questioning
everything that happened...every reaction..every thing..she is mad that
i didnt want to go out to dinner that first night because i was
frustrated and overwhelmed and just asked to pick something up..emotions
need to die again it seems...just go away and not happen at all cas it
just gets me in more troubleand then had a long conversation with sarah about moving to canada. the move isnt even my biggest hang up..my hang up is that i will not be able to see Noa or Marley or the boys. I wont be a drive away. i will be really really far away and that scares and worries me. im scared to leave my doctors, im scared to be in a totally new place...im scared to lose what little bit of support i have...crap im just scared. maybe that is it..quite simply put i am scared..but i have said i will see it through, because things in the usa are scary at this point. very scary. and sarah is feeling unsafe and i have my moments of wondering if i am safe. it is a big move. a giant step. a huge no turning back step. of course there is a major process with moving to canada..applications and major application fees and tests and finding a job and a place to live and all sorts of stuff... they recommend going to visit and find an area and place to live that way.. time frame we are looking at is like 2 years from now. but i also found out that the application process to even get permanent residence can take up to two years! like i said it is a huge process..unfortunately it is much more than just deciding to move and going.. also you have to be approved to move to canada ...like they can decide they dont want you. seriously .. im like well damn hae i done anything that would get me kicked out of a country before i even get there! and im wondering if we need a lawyer or something to help with the process. blah .. a lot of questions ..and a lot of confusing information..and a lot of wondering. but of course this also will cost a heck of a lot of money..the application fee alone is more than $1000 ! so no going to new york, no getting married, cause saving will be so important..the new goal is to get a better car and work towards that point of moving to canada...it makes me sad though...it really does changing plans and stuff..no cruise to alaska either i guess ..
life is all about change right ?? life is all about trying new things and living and doing things..and i just wonder if this is my time for a major change..well the beginnings of a major change..im stilll not 100% sold on the idea..and i know that is fear talking..but who knows where things will go from here..
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