Goodbye 2016

As 2016 comes to a close i wish i could say that im thinking wonderful thoughts about 2017..something inspirational, something to change the world..but im actually not...im honestly thinking about what time i can go to bed and if i need to set my alarm for 11:50pm.

My thinking is pretty low key right now..and today has been an ok day...i cooked dinner and it was super good..we had ice cream and pie for dessert..and i got sarahs xbox set up for her, i went to the store too.  little things..i wasnt feeling good this morning and into the afternoon and that is so frustrating...i do plan to make some changes with my health going into the new year..because i feel awful more days than i feel good..and i hate it...i have things to save up for trips and other fun stuff with sarah in 2017.  but honestly i am coming to the conclusion that i need to learn to deal with and take care of myself...  i havent cut in maybe 4 or 5 months ..i think the last time was aug..my eating issues though are alive and well and that bothers me a bit.  i want to get another kitten.  i want to travel and go places and do things.. i keep myself trapped in a lot of ways and i want that to change..but im not making resloutions...now i ust have goals ..things i want to work towards... and i think my biggest goal is finding my sisters grave when i go to new york..once i figured that out i just cant seem to let it go...i have to find her..and i will..

2016 has been a heck of a year...it started off really rocky and it is ending on a very stable note...i mean i have a place to live..im with sarah..i have kai and gizmo..ive made new friends..i met new people..i got to travel to new places .. i am paying bills and not running out of money so quickly..ok holiday season sooooo doesnt count lol... but in all honesty i am doing much better today than i was at this point last year... i have been trying .. really actually trying ..and i guess it is beginning to pay off...my goal to become more stable actually happened and that is a bit mind blowing ! i did it..with sarahs help and support ..i realize i am more stable.. wow

all things must come to an end though and this year ends in only a few hours.  im hoping that next year will bring about more growth and happiness..

Goodbye 2016 

Hello 2017

Made it through Christmas and other stuff

I am safely back at home now after spending a few days out of town at my sisters...it was overall a good trip...it helped tremendously that mommy has a 'guy friend' to spend time with and wasnt there a lot of the time...when she was there she did her usual stuff like invading my personal space, standing over me, watching me, telling me how i looked or what i needed to do to look better..exercise. make sure im going to work..the usual stuff...i tried not to let it get to me...i noticed also how much she confuses me...like she takes control..yes..but then she makes it seem like im the one that gave instructions or said i was going to do something..and she asks or states it in a way that i have to agree to it..and then im confused because im not sure if i came up with the idea or if she did..i dont know how things get so twisted around so quickly or easily..but it happens a lot...for dinner on christmas i ended up feeling so confused and upset but at the same time doubting myself big time ... it keeps me on edge and on the defense...there are just some things i dont like you know...and im noticing it more...but all that aside im glad i went for christmas and sarah came too.   i got some pretty cool stuff for christmas..like the bobble heads im collecting and more coloring stuff, shoes and clothes and socks..a new ds system and games, a panini maker, a grill, and a waffle maker and other stuff..mommy went all out this year...and my secret santa and sarah and nia and noa...got the cutest picture from noa that she drew ..im gonna hang it up :)

the drive up there wasnt awful..but the drive back was..and i got so irritated and frustrated and cranky..almost 9 hours on the road stuck in a lot of traffic...ugh..i truly hated drving yesterday and my body is letting me know that it is not pleased either...im so sore and achy and tired ... im keeping it simple today...not doing anything at all ...but i do want to get some cleaning done this week..and kinda air out the apartment after being gone a few days ..and get rid of the ever present cat litter smell..essh

i have been thinking a lot about the new year and what i want from it..what i want out of it...we have been talking about trips and saving and me looking for a new job...all good things of course...but at the same time i know i need to get a handle on my health...i really need to talk to my doctor and figure some things out... i really really think that the meds im taking for the diabetes is causing a big portion of my stomach issues...like i accidently left them home while out of town and my stomach was upset once out of five days...im going to stop takin them...but in doing that i really have to work on my diet and portion sizes ..and of course exercise...i can tell im getting puffy.and i dont like that..my stomach stays bloated and gassy and stuff and it is a pain...im going to look into some of the more herbal/natural stuff to help with digestion and things since i dont have a gall bladder...im kinda tired of all the chemicals and stuff..and the meds dont help with not gaining weight..but im not making excuses..i know i make some pretty poor choices some days... but just a lot on my mind recently..and i need to get a better handle on my stomach anyway to be able to handle working and not running back and forth to the bathroom all day long !

i have to go home in a couple weeks to get my car stuff done...staying for three days..in a hotel..sarah is coming to and it is more comfortable for us to be in a hotel...so going to be doing that...and then that is all the traveling for a while...

i need to work on saving up for the ny trip..and the trip for noas birthday..and a few other things..maybe sometime in the not so far future ill be able to save up for another car...who knows..

but ive been thinking you know..and i think i want to make it a goal to get off the medication in the next year...well it may take longer than a year..but i do think i want to work towards that..and see...hmm there are a lot more thoughts with that but no time to write about it right now...more thinking ....

still am hurting a lot about the no therapy thing..trying to deal and be ok and all of that..but i miss having someone to talk to about things..i really do..

about to hit the road

we are leaving around 8am to begin the drive to my sisters...im anxious and nervous and a little excited..i know my sister wants to see me..and ill get to see noa..that is exciting to me..got to get up and do some last minute stuff and get dressed and eat and then we will be hitting the road!

im trying to hold on to the ok feeling...im not rushing...im not going to push myself ..im ust going to work my hardest to take things as they come..

somewhere i will find a smile..and hopefully be able to keep it.

but going to push back the sad thoughts.. thats the plan

just...another day to get through

the tears are to close for comfort..the anxiety doesnt truly go away..i am waiting for the fallout i guess and the waiting is destroying me...i manage to come up with the worst case scenario and then amplify it even bigger than that..in my head im about to walk into an all out war ..and i am already the loser...i am judging myself harshly..and highlighting everything that is wrong with me in my eyes..i want to hurt myself..i want to destroy the bad parts of me..the parts of me that she doesnt like..which i guess is all of me....the urge not to eat is there...the urge to be quiet and good is there..the urge to not fight and agree is there...the urge to become a puppet is there..and they all are at war with themselves and im stuck in the middle with no neutral ground...everything i learned in therapy or talked through feels like it has flown out the window...i feel like i am moving back into survival mode because i cant get myself to stay calm enough to do anything consistently..and i just think..i get so caught up thinking and planning and thinking and disagreeing..and thinking and convincing myself that i need to be perfect..so perfect..and knowing at the same time that it is not possible...i wish i could be okay with being myself ..and maybe i can..but right now..right now all of those ideas are gone and have been replaced with accusations and mean words and hurtful thoughts...i am my own worse enemy :( and that truly makes me sad ...

..mostly sad thoughts

it is supposed to be the happiest time of the year..but i am just sad and riddled with anxiety...im beginning and panic and not feel good...the closer it gets to seeing mommy and the more i feel like i am falling apart at the seams...so so many old thoughts are running through my head..not wanting to eat, wanting to cut, trying to figure out what is acceptable to wear and what is not ... i have to be perfect..and failing means punishment..i have to get it right...i have to be do it right this time so i will fit in..so i will be a ccepted..so i will ust be more than me.. -sigh- so hard right now...i want to be happy but i cant seem to let go of the old thoughts..i cant seem to let go of the fear..the anger..the hurt..its all still there..its still overwhelming..and i can feel myself once again trying to pull myself back inside of myself if that makes sense...i want quiet..i want something..i want to be anyone else..i am afraid of failing and im afraid that i wont be able to handle the disappointment of not being good enough...once again...im trying to anticipate the conversations to prepare myself..but i get scared and stop...i ust go quiet and start thinking a million things..a million thoughts..my chest hurts..my head hurts..i dont have the energy to be happy..im to afraid to be happy..im afriad it will be taken from me ..and what then?? have i mentioned that i am tired ...i really just want to get this over with...and that thought alone takes so much fun out of being at my sisters and with my niece and everyone...im to nervous and anxious about all of it..

today i am lectured about my car and how it looks...the other day i was lectured again about my clothes and what i was going to be wearing... no i just dont fit in at all..no it doesnt matter what i do or dont do..its all about looks and i just keep failing in that department ...it doesnt matter if its me or my car or my apartment..i fail..i always fail..im always reminded that i need to do better..be better...there is no me..there is what everyone else needs and that is it...im am empty and have no idea what i want anymore or what i like..maybe i never did ..maybe ill never be anything but what someone else needs from me..im only as good as the money i can let someone borrow or give someone..that is all ...  no one needs me at all...who would notice if i was gone ?? who would care ?

the struggling hasnt stopped

i am trying to find the words to explain how i am feeling and i am coming up with nothing...my head hurts and im tired of thinking ..

im back to feeling nauseous and sick and sad and upset

i say anita yesterday and it took everything i had not to cry while i was there .... i agreed to being referred but there is a wait list... i have the option of seeing her once a month but if every visit leaves me feeling so broken then im not sure it is worth it..im really not ... i dont know how to tell her how i am feeling..and i get so sad that i dont want to talk to her about anything..and once a month will do nothing in the way of helping manage anything..there will be to much time inbetween..or i will forget and then i just keep struggling ... like i told her..i have to manage myself ..but managing myself means all sorts of things...i slept all day today...woke up around 3:30...feeling sick..my head hurts and im having trouble thinking .. i just want to hide out ..  im so tired...im wanting to die .. i feel so very alone ... i know logically that i am not alone but i am feeling alone ...  

stomach woes

my stomach has not been feeling good lately...i keep feeling nausous and my stomach hurts and cramps and just overall feels gross and to full...in the past week and i half ive thrown up 5 times and had other issues going on to...my stomach goes from sour to not sour but constantly hurts...so im eating more bland things..today ive had noodles and ginger ale .. and some naesuea medicine.. im so hoping my stomach calms down because i have things to do later this week..like well tomorrow and friday and my stomach hurting is not helping anything ... not to mention i kinda want some real food lol..but i figure i can keep things light for now and hopefully by saturday my stomach will be ok enough that i can get a baked potato!  but for now i think ill be sticking to ginger ale, noodles, dry toast, and apple sauce...i think that is all i can handle ..im trying to take care of myself and i just dont feel good...

i was thinking last night and i realize that around this time last year i ended up sick and in the hospital ...  maybe it is stress aggravating all of this ...i dont know ...its blahish

mentally i feel a little better than yesterday...im worn out and struggling ... maybe its a good thing that i know im struggling and trying to keep myself busy...i have no idea why i was crying yesterday ..but yeah i was a mess and ended up sleeping most of the day away...i slept ok last night and i got up this morning feeling a little tired ..but sick..so blah..but im thinking a little more clearly today..so ill take it i guess..

going down...

i know i am being mean and cranky and irrational and jealous and angry and sad and it just keeps going back and forth...revolving door ... i dont know what to do with myself...i want to just keep hiding away in bed...i feel useless .. bogged down...unable to manage ... i have no way to get it out..its just staying inside..there is no pressure valve to help..not safe ones anyway...i get closer and closer to making poor decisions ..but i want to feel better...i have to get through the rest of the holidays .. already the expectations from mommy on how i look and what to wear makes me feel bad about myself...i didnt need any help..and ive been trying to become more ok with myself..and one conversation had me right back to feeling awful and sad and wanting to be mean to myself .. its like im still not good enough..not with two jobs because i can always squeeze in a third..not with eating because i still get sick...not with my weight becuase im not losing fast enough...things mount against me increasingly fast...and i am left feeling inadequate and stupid ... my thoughts are getting away from me ..and i just keep thinking that i should be better..i should know better...and i dont ...and i keep getting stuck and i keep feeling bad and i start to feel like its better if i just end it now ..and i forgot that this time of year is rough..and look i have no therapist anymore..so i may as well just keep quiet and suck it up and deal with life but then i just want to not be here anymore because it all becomes to much and i dont know how to help myself and im not sure i even want to some days...and i dont feel like i can really talk to anita anymore..ill go and say goodbye and wish her well..but she isnt privy to anything about me anymore..she isnt going to be there so there is no need to tell her anything..so just another week of trying and failing to manage and get by.. i better stop...

drained

my brain is feeling very sluggish..slow..like it feels like it is taking me a long time to form and organize my thoughts...i know i am struggling today..and im trying my hardest ..but i just want to escape..yesterday started the downward spiral again and i feel stuck in it..i feel sick and tired and my head hurts and i just want to sleep..i dont want to think or do anything..just sleep away each day...

sarah got me roses today .. a surprise..they are wonderful and i love them..i have them on my dresser so i can keep looking at them...

depression has me firmly in its grip currently...

i am tired

im nervous about seeing the med doc...i feel like im still in shut down mode but i also know that she will have read the notes from my last therapy session and she may go along with me not seeing anyone..but if things get bad she will make me see someone...not force so much..as you arent leaving until i know you are safe see someone...it happened before...it will most likely happen again.. i dont know what i want ...

today is monday

i would be lying if i said i wasnt looking for ways to hurt today...  maybe ill just escape into sleep as much as i can today...  my routine is off now without mondays being therapy days... :(  i feel alone

where i am ..

i truly wish i had some concrete idea of where i am going or what i am doing..but i dont ... knowing that i wont be seeing anita or getting that support is really hard to deal with ... i do have an appointment with her in a couple weeks that i have finally decided to keep and not cancel..because i know the session for this week was a bust..it was pretty awful and i was being mean..well i feel like i was being mean and i guess i need to talk to her about how im feeling... im not struggling as much with the negative thoughts but if i stop and think to hard about it then they come flooding back...i am safe ..i dont think i really want to be but i am...i also know that if i have to much of a break down and start cutting again then courtney will kinda force me into seeing someone new..or else try to get me into the hospital and i want to avoid that..im just taking things day by day...and hoping i will be able to keep myself safe and ok..i dont want to be jealous that sarah has all sorts of support and i just lost mine..but i think it just makes me sad that i feel so alone all of a sudden..and so ive been keeping to myself more i guess..i mean i still do stuff with sarah of course and i did actually tell her how i was feeling..its just hard finding level ground right now..

sarah got me some new video games and ive been spending a lot of time playing them..it helps keep me distracted...ive ordered some christmas gifts and i got me some new long sleeve shirts and pjs and bras .. i still have a little more shopping to do though..we leave to go to nias on the 22 and come back on the 27th..i wanted to stay down there through new years but mommy may be going up to nias and i just dont want to have to deal with that...mommy doesnt know i dont have my day job anymore or that i have extra hours with sarah...i dont want to argue with her about it .. i dont want to hear how i need that job because i cant get anything else..no..ill just leave..and thats the end of it... i hate how mommy always tries to make it seem like sarah cant handle things...like with going to nias..she says that its good we have a hotel because it might be to loud and crowded for sarah..or sarah needs more privacy..something along those lines...i mentioned henrys new years eve party and im told..oh its gonna be a bunch of his friends from college you dont want to go..or he doesnt have a lot of space you wouldnt have fun...but i let it go .. i dont have the energy to argue ..so i listen and hurry to get off the phone...its like me and sarah go all over the place and manage just fine..but mommy just has to put in her two cents when it comes to family stuff..well she has to add her two cents into everything but it hurts more with the family stuff...

we are planning the ceremony for next oct and im scared to death to even mention it to mommy...i want her to come..but i am deathly afraid that she wont .. that she will tell me again that she doesnt agree and that she isnt going to come... even writing it makes me anxious and sad...ive talked to nia about it of course..i cant even invite anyone else in my family because mommy is so determined to make sure no one knows... but i have friends up here who want to come..and im trying to focus on that...we dont plan on having a huge ceremony so less than 50 people...but i want it to be a happy day..not a stressful one...but the fear of letting her know about it is huge..and its not even that i will be asking her for money..no sarah and i will figure out how to pay for it by ourselves..so that no one feels obligated to chip in i guess...i dont know... it is beginning to overshadow things though..and that just makes me sad...we are going to look at a possible place to have it next week..so i will know more then...

the cats are there usual bad selves and getting into everything!  but when i was sick the other night gizmo would sit in the bathroom with me and lay down with me...i think i saw him pretty much all night lol..my stomach is feeling better though..

my world has stopped

my world has stopped moving in a sense..im feeling to many things and im struggling to put things into words..i can feel myself wanting to react ..wanting to hurt and im trying to remain safe but with each hour my desire to stay safe decreases,,and i am wondering what i am going to do..or not do .. or whatever..my thinking is negative and numb and sometimes my head just feels so empty.. well since yesterday ... i am broken

i saw my therapist yesterday and she told me that this would be her last week..that she found another job...somewhere in my head/heart i know i am happy for her...but right now all i feel is hurt..i am angry..sad..betrayed..and very very hurt...there was no real warning..i hadnt seen her for 3 weeks! and i go see her yesterday only to find out that this is her last week..and she told me and i automatically started shutting down..i wouldnt look at her..i said no to everything and left early..it was to painful..i was trying so hard not to cry..so i told her i would just leave early...i almost made it out of the building before i started to cry...driving and crying like that probably wasnt the best idea but i couldnt sit in the parking lot either .. so i came home .. i cant really process all that happened. i know i shut her out and it happened without any real thought from me..it just happened.. she mentioned that she will be seeing ppl on thusrday evening ..but that i wouldnt be able to come every week..and so i dont think that is going to be helpful..i dont want a new person ..i give up on therapy..she is the longest i have been with one therapist and actually talked to her..i dont..i cant start over..
old thoughts take over my head..pretending and hiding and getting by..that is all i have to do..and just slip by unnoticed...that is all i can do..for now though..silence is all i want..

fear

ive been having bad dreams...every night this week...every time they are filled with death and fear and im never able to save anyone..i cant even save myself...dreams about being at home..being in the hospital..trying my hardest and still failing miserably ...icant save my family, i cant save sarah..icant even save the cats...im awful and useless....i dont want to sleep and i am feeling incredibly anxious and afraid...im worried that i will lose everyone and everything..im worried that i will end up alone and lost ... and i dont know..i feel aimless right now..unsure of what it is that i need to do...im trying to find some sort of happiness but i just want to cry...i dont know what to do with myself ..

depression ...

my mood has gradually hit rock bottom and i am struggling to remember why it is that i am alive..i feel sad..like more than just sad..like there is nothing left in me..and i dont know why...i am scared and worried about things ...i want to be happy for the holidays..i want to be happy so very very much..and still i cant even seem to do that...and i have no where for my thoughts to go..another week with no therapy..its like the pressure builds in my skull and there is no release..no safety valve...im nervous...ive found a razor but im not supposed to cut...im supposed to be good .. and im failing at that every day..i just want to go away..

No therapy and other stuff

I went to therapy on Monday only to find out that Anita was on vacation..and will be on vacation for two weeks.. I was more upset that I wasn't told..and I showed up..and then couldn't talk to her....maybe that is why my anxiety is up right now..I'm picking my fingers apart..like literally peeling the skin off of my fingers..gross I know..I try to stop and just as quickly I start up again..I don't know...

Mommy is better and at home now..she flew back Tuesday... I still won't be seeing her til Christmas though..

My eating is getting better though..I can tell a difference in my body already...I still have a long way to go but its getting better.. I m still having some stomach issues but every day it eases a little bit more..now I just have to stay with it and make it through the holidays !

I'm currently wasting away doing laundry.. This has to be the most boring thing ever!!! And its not even all of it..ugh...kill me now!

Yesterday was great

Sarah and I went to movies and out to dinner yesterday.. It was a lot of fun and nice to get out and have fun..we saw the trolls movie..I loved it :)

where do i go from here ?

well this has been an eventful week...and as it is coming to an end..i feel like i need to find some direction or something in my life..but the thing is..right now i dont want direction.. in all honesty..im tired of direction..i want a chance to do nothing for a little while..to get my self back on level ground..and i think im just going to focus on the holidays for now and getting through them...i know my stress and what not is always elevated this time of year and so maybe having more time to just not be expected to do anything is a good idea...i still have a job..i still have things to do...but i have more time during the day to get things done...but i want time to get my head in a better place..once again im wanting stabillity for my own issues..and then ill move forward into looking for another job..but im not going to stress myself out about it...i have paid all my bills for this month and now my attention is on other things...im tired but im ok with my current decisions.  and i might get a kitten... that particular decision is still in debate mode :)

thoughts on the election

i really wish i could turn off the news..i wish i could ignore all the newsfeeds..the calls to action..the protests..the hate..the injustice...the knowledge that so so many people didnt vote...but most of all i wish i could turn off the fact that trump is the president...

i try not to post political things or things that cause a huge divide because i hate the division. i hate knowing that as a nation we have voted in a man who has no love for anyone other than himself )in my opinion). I am speaking for myself.  I am speaking on my own thoughts. 

I have loosely followed the election, I grew tired of them attacking each other.  I grew tired of the threats, the shame, the guilt, the name calling.  They acted like children throughout the whole election.  It was disheartening and so i stopped watching, but that did not get rid of the election.  I still heard what was going on, I still listened, and I still saw.

When i woke up on wednesday morning and saw who won i didnt know what to do.  I was upset, scared, worried..i am still those things..but again i am bombarded with being told i need to protest..that i dont care if i didnt vote one way..or that voting 3rd party was stupid..there is protesting and it breaks my heart.  There are children bullying other children..telling them to go home..taunting them with yells of "build the wall"..people are being attacked..and my world slowly narrows with each passing day..

i dont feel safe...i am worried when i leave the house..my paranoia has increased ... because i am a women, because i am black, because i am a lesbian, because i am not normal...the odds are swiftly stacking against me..and with everything going on its like i have to ask myself what extra minority class do i fall into...all things that i had no choice in..but all things that will condemn me..

but i have to keep living..i have to keep making it...i cant cave in and give up..and i cant predict the future..i dont know what is going to happen..i truly dont..but i have enough worries going on that adding in the state of the entire usa is a bit much...like i have to keep reminding myself to focus on what is going on right now...what do i need to manage right now..i cant worry about what things might be like a year from now..crap i cant even worry about a month from now..i stop functioning if i skip to far ahead and try to come up with a plan that has no basis..no foundation... i need something concrete to happen..something concrete to fight against...words alone mean nothing..again this is my opinion ..

all of the protests change nothing...the rioting just ends up with more people being hurt...the bullying and harming of others because they are different hurts..and all of it together makes me feel so alone..but i have to keep going ... i wont hate ...  i wont hurt anyone else ... i wont hate ..

saying goodbye

the hardest ..saddest part of leaving my job...was saying goodbye to the clients and knowing i would not be seeing them again... they tell me have a good weekend and see you on monday and i cant respond :(  i wish i could make them understand..but maybe its better that i cant..maybe in there world there is no such thing as goodbye..and they will just think that they will see me again..that i will show up one day..that i will return and pick up where i left off with them...and it hurts..i can put on a brave face..but it hurts.. :(  maybe its better i wasnt able to tell them goodbye...

randomness of life right now

well...to continue with the randomness of today...i made the reservations to go to my sisters for christmas...well sarah and i of course...we have to stay at a hotel because i do not even want to begin to argue with mommy over the bedroom..so we will go to a hotel and just cut out the drama.. with me getting rid of my other job i know it will be a bit tighter financially but we will need to start figuring out who will be getting what for christmas...

ill be staying here for thanksgiving..no plans of going anywhere at all..just relaxing ...cooking....hanging out...im not going to make a gigantic dinner but we will have a nice little set up...turkey, loaded mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, mac and cheese, gf stuffing, broccoli and carrots and gf rolls of some sort...the entire meal will be gf ... im so proud of myself for making the efforts to make changes ...im slowly moving back into not eating gluten..i didnt go off of it cold turkey..but im giving myself the option you know..ive almost managed to get it down to only one meal with gluten during the day..vs all meals having gluten!  im working on it seriously..let me get this down and then ill work on my sudden growing soda habit..essh .. i am having pizza for dinner today though..but ive planned on that...

i went to aldi yesterday and found gf stuffing!  gf chicken soup, a better gf bread and gf wraps...im pretty excited..and they did not cost me my first born child..so that was super good...

mood is kinda down..ok a lot down..ive been reading a lot and watching movies...trying to escape..sarah isnt feeling well and im worried about her...its sad being here without bounce..it really is...but each day managed is a good one i think..

mommy

all day my thoughts have gone back and forth..im scared and worried and still crying off and on ... the day started off like any other monday..but i got to work and all hell broke lose with family stuff... i missed some calls from nia but wayne managed to get me ... mommy had a heart attack... to put it nicely i totally and utterly lose it at work..they wouldnt let me leave until i calmed down...as i tried to explain why i needed to go home and couldnt be understood because i was crying so hard..eventually i got out what the phone call was and calmed down and came home...well mostly calmed down..i talked to nia, henry and wayne...henry had come home from work too...this is major..this is all encompassing .. this is just to much.its like the world has been pulled out from underneath me and im left with no idea of what to do...im forced to wait..i could try calling her again but i want her to actually rest..but i am still freaked out..

the story as pieced together as it will get..is that mommy got sick last night and called uncle clyde who came over and stayed with her...she still wasnt feeling better this morning and went to the hospital... mommy never willinginly goes to the hospital..ever..so for her to agree to go means this was a major deal...she goes the the hospital and they transfer her to the cardiac hospital after figuring out she had a heart attack...i managed to talk to her for a few minutes while she was being transported from one hospital to the other...but she got to the second hospital where they ran tests and found that she had a 100% blockage and immediately took her to surgery...and she got through the surgery fine and is in icu now..she wont be released for a few days and the doc most likely wont be clearing her to fly home ..so she will have to stay in ohio for a bit..

and that is where things are at for now...we are all passing messages and phone calls back and forth to let everyone know what is going on...and the eye opening part is that mommy said she had been feeling sick for a few days..lightheaded, nausous, etc and didnt go to the hospital..explained it away as something else..and now she is in the hospital..hours away for a heart attack..she was supposed to be on vacation...she was supposed to be coming home today and for this to happen...i am scared...very very scared ...

i just cant ...

once again i am left wondering how it is i keep failing at work stuff...ive tried explaining it to mommy and her response is that i need this job..i need to keep this job..and it makes me feel like i have no other options..that i have to stay at a job that is not a good fit for me..because i have no choice..because i screwed up...i tried to explain that my hours are being decreased..her response was well now i have time for a THIRD job...yes she actually said this ..that i should go back to working part time at a job ive had before..and at that point i just stopped trying...right now i work 8 - 5 or 6 ...which overlaps my other job which is technically 3:30 to ll:30..monday through friday... my docs tell me there is always time for doing things for myself and i really wonder what extra time they are talking about! i mean my second job is not taxing and i do have time to chill and what not...but where exactly do i fit in a third job? where do i make time for me to do anything that all other than work in some form or fashion? my hours for sat & sun go from 8am - 11am...given i am technically working and laying in bed since i live here too lol..but ugh...ive been thinking about all of this since yesterday when i talked to mommy and no matter how i try to work it .. i cant see myself having three jobs and i told mommy that i wouldnt get a third job...i cant...mentally i can not handle a third job...crap im struggling with 2..and if im not working im sleep..i keep looking at my schedule and trying to find extra time..i keep thinking that i have to find some time..i need to find another job..i cant not work..i have to keep doing things or i fail...the whole conversation yesterday made me feel like an utter failure...again

work woes ... :(

i am feeling very angry..and upset and well ive stopped crying but yes i was ready to put in my two week notice at work today..well on wed when i go back...i honestly told t that i spazzed out at the hotel yesterday and wouldnt leave..i told my job i was still out of town this morning..and that was the end of it i thought...when we got home today..i had a message from work saying that my time off request for tomorrow was not approved and that i would be on the schedule...i told her again that i had doctors appointments tomorrow and couldnt come in..and so i wouldnt be there..ok skip ahead and im told i need to call the director and talk to her about it because i technically didnt turn in my time off request. on friday before i left to go out of town..all of them had already left the office and i just forgot to write it and give it to them..so i left it on the stove in the kitchen..i forgot to call on monday and ask the supervisor to turn it in for me..so im told today that my request will be accepted...i call and talk to the director after being asked who i turned in my time off request to..obviously they got it..but whatever..i call the director and tell her that i cant come in tomorrow and apoligize for having to have today off...im told that i show no respect to them..im told i didnt call out two hours in advance this morning when i have the calls on my phone...i called at 5:45am...2 hours in advance of my 7:45 shift..they say i called in only an hour in advance...the conversation ends with her telling me that she will talk to me on wed when i come in... why am i getting a talking to? im not a child? the entire thing upset me to the point of tears...i was ready to put in my two weeks notice and be done with it...but of course i had t today and so she injected some rational thoughts into the mix..like they are following procedure and what not...so by the time i left i agreed to go on wed and see what happens...t told me that if i need her later in the week to call her..but im feeling so confused..every time i think about what has happened..i get angry...i dont want to be there...at the same time it is a job and i am expected to suck it up and deal with it like an adult...t mentioned that sometimes the kids react to adult situations and then im left to clean up the mess that may be the fall out...which then made me tell her that i wasnt talking to her anymore..with lots of pouting and whining and almost an all out tantrum (which did not help my case either) dang she read me like a book today and i hate when she does that..i hate when she gets logical too..and the pouting and upset feelings are returning...blah..i dont understand why i am reacting so strongly to this ... am i overreacting ?? am i wrong ? im not sure i want to know if im wrong...the annoyed pouty one doesnt want to be told she is wrong..she wants to walk in and quit...the adult me cas see the procedures and stuff in place and its like ok..maybe i was wrong and didnt follow protical and so i have to be written up..but again i dont like feeling like im in trouble..or on pens and needles at my job...t knows that but like my sister and mom dont ..and i cant explain it to them..well i cant with my mom..im frustrated and feeling incredibly impulsive...my body shakes with the need to do something ..anything..so im sitting here writing ..knowing that is not what is wanted..i have to keep it together...i think..i have to see what wed will bring but again..this is one of the things that you cant tell me about and then leave me alone with my thoughts..your going to talk to me ok..but in my head ive been fired three different ways, and killed, and all sorts of stuff....ugh...i dont know what to do...

RIP Bounce

I found out today that Bounce died at some point this weekend :(   i knew she had been acting a bit different..but i thought she was still adjusting to the new kitten..i was going to take her to the vet when i got back..but its to late now :(  i feel sad and upset and sad... i didnt get to say goodbye..ill never see her again ..

i got bounce in 2010 ...she made it to 7... she has moved with me numerous times...she has lived and been so very loved..she was my friend..shes been with me through so very much..she has dealt with a lot ... i will miss her... i wont forget her. ill never forget her.

Bounce 

2010 - 2016

recap....this week

well..i did it...i asked to be taken off of the schedule for the rest of this week. i actually asked yesterday but i came in today to go to the pumpkin patch (eeewwww)..but im off tomorrow and friday..to catch up on my notes and stuff... tuesday was a really awful day at work and i was just stressed out and worried about work stuff and home stuff and i was ready to cry at work because i was getting so overwhelmed...and they kept threatening to take me off the schedule anyway..so i just asked to be taken off and said i wanted to keep my job..so i have two days to get ALL my notes in...but the break from work seriously relieved A Lot of stress that i was holding on to...and i am able to think more calmly and clearly and stuff ...i have to prepare to go out of town..have tons of errands and things to get done..and so the break is much needed anyway..but yeah..we are so short at work and tempers are high and im getting/feeling more and more like giving up...again..im trying to hang on to the job a bit longer ..but its not a long term thing at all ..not at this point. 

i had to go to a med class today and it was about insulin....now i am diabetic..on pills but not on insulin..i refuse to agree to insulin and it is not a major option for me right now..but in the future it could be and that scares me..but the class today scared me too..ugh..and im sitting in there like crap what in the world am i doing to myself you know? i could do so much better with my health and i dont and i just dont fully understand why either..i mean i can go a couple months at a time but then some brings back the old habits and its a vicious cycle..i dont know...like i know all the stuff to do but i just dont do it..or dont stick with it...ugh frustration...

thats been the past couple days though..a lot going on..and major loads of stress but hopefully that will begin to lessen and ill be off work all next week so time away will be good to..
my brilliant light bulb moment from the past couple weeks ?!?! i do not under any circumstances handle stress well ... i guess ive always known that ..but it was kinda brought back to light when t mentioned making a referral for me to get help with stress management..cas i would swear up and down that im fine and im managing ..but yeah...im soooo not managing...but anyhoo...

oh and the whole no personal time kinda came up again...blah

angry

today i am tired and not feeling good at all..im tired of work already and i just got here. im tired of people not showing up and im tired of being yelled at about stupid stuff...im sick of notes and this building and just all of it...i dont want to be here...why am i staying ? i really wish i could figure out why i am staying here? maybe i think that im supposed to have a job..two jobs to prove that i am capable and able to manage and make it...i dont know...im just worn out ..and frustrated right now...there is no time to catch up and im already really behind ...i cant keep the notes on my computer but they put them on my computer..except for the one i pulled from an email yesterday...but i did them..and i refuse to write them over ...i really do..im already majorly behind and i actually turn in the stupid notes for yesterday and all i get is that i was supposed to hand write one set of notes and i want to scream ... i don't have time to redo a set of notes that i typed just because its been decided that i needed to write them...shouldnt you be happier that i actually did them?  whatever.  my mood is not good today ..im actually feeling angry and i didnt take my meds this morning and im feeling sick and have a headache forming...so im just going to be quiet today and get through the day..and go home

stupid allergies

i feel like death..i sound like death and i cant breathe....fml  i just want to sleep but im dragging myself to work today...ugh

maybe im just lying to myself

maybe im not cut out for work...maybe i just cant manage a work setting or not take things personally...as i watch another coworker prepare to quit..i am feeling depressed...at a lost for what i want to do....how can i just suck at so many jobs ??  yesterday has left me feeling quiet and down and sad and overwhelmed and frustrated...i dont want to go to work..i dont do well in enviroments where i feel like i dont know what is going on..and that is what happened yesterday in an extreme way...i was overloaded...anxious..upset..confused..and felt like i was expected to know what was going on but no one told me anything..all of us ..even the floor supervisior got written up yesterday..and then they have the nerve to ask why we arent more motivated?? i saw the floor supervisor crying again yesterday and i wonder how much longer she will stick around with the way she is treated...i dont like that..not to mention i am sick a lot lately....stomach issues...im at a loss for all of that too..im not eating as badly as i have been..but yeah there is still room for improvement of course...but the nausea is a daily thing again..and i hate it...i dont want to even eat anymore...

im ready for vacation...i need to get away..regroup...just think without worrying about work.

less than two weeks away !

im ready to go now ...

missed therapy this week...to stay late and work on notes..but i talked to anita about why i couldnt come in...im not missing next week.

my brain is fried and its only wed.... i want to hide in bed and not do anything at all.

what am i doing ??

im pasively sabatoging my job..im not doing the notes..i can rightfully be fired for not doing the notes..i could cause alot of trouble for the company for not doing the notes..and what have i still not completely done???my notes...im frustrated and annoyed with myself at this point...and im annoyed ill be written up today...my fault completely ..but still...i dont like it..i gotta get my motivation back..something..ugh

ugh.

my stomach has been awful today..and prolly yesterday to if i think about it..but a lot of cramping and trips to the bathroom..im trying my hardest not to call out of work and just go to the bathroom if i need to..but its so embarrassing going back and forth to the bathroom...ugh..i just want my stomach to get its act together...i hate feeling nauseous more than anything else in the world !

rambling

I need to clear the head a bit and well writing is as good an option as any. I keep thinking about my coworker, who tells me she loves me and gives me loads of hugs, and lets me talk and listens and all of this. she has told me things about her life and things that have happened and why she cares for me and my wellbeing and why she is worried about me. I keep trying to tell her that I am fine and that im okay and managing. Still she tells me that she worries and she figured out the cutting herself, the first day she met me at work. She has a family member that did it and so she knew. I couldnt figure out what she was hinting at when she talked to me at the beginning of the week..but by friday i needed her to spell it out for me. i needed her to say what it was and to hear how she figured it out. i also told the dumbest lie ever about being clumsy and falling alot ..and she listened and then told me to stop lying to her. i worry when she says that she is worried about me harming myself..i worry that if i take what she is offering that i will overwhelm her..that i will run her away..that she will come to hate me..that i will be to much to deal with. a lot of fears popping up..and all of this happens after i mention needing help..i keep thinking that also..i have talked to her mom who told me to hang in there...ive talked to her daughter who has dealt with suicidal feelings and things and she told me to be strong. . people i have never met..who seem to care about me and im the dork questioning why..maybe im just afraid to accept it..to allow myself to really just take it for what it is..to be loved and cared for..the most innocent of conversations has created an avalanche of care and it is a little overwhelming maybe. i want it. gosh i want it but i am afraid. what if she wants something from me? what if she is not trustworthy or hurts me or hates me? so many what -ifs..and i hate what-ifs. i drive myself crazy with what ifs ..she invited me and sarah to the fair..all week i avoided giving her an answer..she husband worked on my car for me today.. and so i asked sarah and we ended up going...and it was fun..i was a bit jealous because i wanted my friend to myself and had to share her with her friends and sarah and her step daughter...but she did take time out to check in with me and give me hugs .. i want to be around her and of course only her ..and i cant help but think about some things t has said to me about my behaviors when it comes to me getting attached and how i want all or nothing..there is no inbetween and something about making them pay for caring for me...hmm i think im getting the wording wrong on that one..but its like i take what they offer and then demand more..or become manipulative in ways to get more attention and stuff..and its like im a leech and im just sucking the person dry..because i dont accept what they are giving for what it is..does that make sense? hmmm .. i dont want to be a leech but i can tell the attachment is trying to form..and i can tell that i want all of her attention..but i dont want her to feel sorry for me..i want more than i can give..and im not entirely sure that is fair..i dont know how to have that equal give and take in a friend relationship..and of course i push these types of relationships into parent mode..or i try to ..and then i become overwhelming and needy..well im already those things but now it is being directed at someone outside of me..and things become a bit murky..blah...but ok.. umm yeah went to the fair...and ate french fries and funnel cake (not all of it) and ate steak on a stick ! lol that amuses me so very much it seems..played a couple games and won a questionable mammal? i thought it was a parrot...it is not a parrot ! but it has no arms and its bring yellow and just umm a little weird . and i got some chicken tenders that went from one side of the paro to the other with me and then walked all the way to the car with me and then drove to the candy store with me and then drove home and switched cars and arrived at home in a bucket so i can eat them :D the chicken tenders have truly experienced life today hehe. but i am worn out..majorly..we have been out ALL day! im gonna lay here and keep thinking about my chicken tenders it seems. i like chicken tenders and things on sticks it seems

its been a long week

sadly it is not over with yet... im just worn out this week..tired and very worn out..i dont know why im so tired this week..but i am..i mean its been gray and rainy all week...storms yesterday that had me on edge...more storms supposed to be coming ... im not feeling great but it could be worse..im super aware of what im eating..and when i am feeling sick...it is so up and down that it is frustrating...i feel like im not doing enough but i dont think my body could do anything else...did i mention im just tired?? ive been like 5 - 10 minutes late every day this week! ugh..

my mood is really down..like im working to be ok at work but even that is hard..im quieter...im no as involved..i want to hide...my anxiety has been up all week..probably not getting paid tomorrow may have something to do with that..but if i dont get paid tomorrow then ill definitely get paid on monday...its just frustrating..and my mood is crazy and i really do just want to hide most of the time..

is it my medicine? is it my stress?  is it my anything ?

i want to keep talking to my co worker and each day a little bit comes out..but im still hiding..and well talking about big things are tiring too...

i have a lot on my mind but i am stuck right now...and just tired...

work..and talking and stuff

you know when i went to work this morning i did not have a plan to talk to my coworker about what has been going on..well more about sarah and our relationship...i could have denied it when she asked...but i didnt ..and she put it together..and it was like oh crap what have i done..and then it was like i trust her...i hope my trust is not misplaced..we spent the day talking off and on about things ..about how mommy doesnt want me to share with anyone and how she acts and stuff with sarah..the day was tiring but talking about hard stuff always makes me feel tired..she didnt push..she talked to me about her daughter and how she accepted her...she asked me if i was depressed and i said yes without really going into detail .. she told me not to be depressed.. that is such a loaded question for me...i wanted to talk to her but gee we were at work surrounded by clients lol..not the time for a heart to heart..i have to be careful not to share to much though...i have to just be careful

depressed

i cant seem to get the depressed feelings to let go of me..im just sad right now and im struggling a lot ...i ffeel like i want to just cry for a good long while but i cant...there are a million things i want to do..well a million things i need to do..there isnt much that i actually want to do these days. im trying..i really am..and until anita mentioned it i wouldnt have said in a million years that i was stressed..but i am..im worrying and thinking on a constant basis. i cant get my thoughts to stop..ive been out of klonopin for a few days and i can feel the tension in my back building..my back hurts..my shoulders hurt...i cant relax because i might forget something..

so much anxiety..so anxious im staying depressed..my thoughts make me sad..and then i just look for ways to hurt myself..i cant keep cutting..and just as quickly that is the only option that occupies my mind...

maybe there isnt any help for me ...maybe i just have to manage and deal and not make a fuss...which means keeping things to myself...which means hiding...which means doing things i shouldnt do..

my thinking is tainted..i feel quiet...very very quiet..but im screaming so loudly in my head..but for what i dont know..

happy birthday

ok so i took an awful picture of the cake .. but im sure everyone knows it says happy birthday! 

i went out and got a cake this morning..and had mcdonalds for lunch and dinner..and had cake and fruit punch... its been a quiet day..playing games, reading, watching movies.. my mood has been up and down big time...ive managed to hurt myself a lot today.. i cant get the thoughts to stop..its so hard to stop once i get going..but now i am laying here..just thinking a bit about things..wondering about things..i told my sister about a day that didnt happen..and that made me sad..i know it will happen at some point..but it didnt happen today.. and thats ok.. but still im drowning in sadness...my day itsself wasnt bad...but i hate feeling so very alone when sarah is just in the other room..but it is like we are worlds apart..both struggling with different things at the same time...

but i have gotten coloring books, and a build a bear, and shopkins, and things for my birthday..oh and alcohol..cant forget the alcohol! havent even opened any of it because my stomach hurts so often..blah ... but i have it ..i dont think i need any more coloring books though!  ive been stocked up on them majorly. :)  but i love all of my books..they are all so different and cool..

i dont know what to really write about..my thoughts are a bit drifty tonight..maybe im just sleepy..and am thinking a little TO much right now..who knows..but maybe sleep soon is a good idea.

rough day

today has been an all around rough day... im so tired of everything...im frustrated and feeling tearful still..ive been crying off and on all day..i cried almost the entire time i was with courtney...i didnt like the doc i had to see this morning ..she wasnt my regular doc and she didnt listen..and i couldnt explain to her what was really going on because i didnt know her...and so it was a waste of an appointment and just frustrated me...seeing courtney when i was already upset and tearful just made it worse..and i started crying..i didnt have an all out bawl fest but i was pretty close..she asked if i needed to go to the hospital...of course i said no...i wouldnt even agree to promise or agree to not cutting...i cant ..not right now..i did say i have no intention of killing myself and that is completely true..i dont ... but i am incredibly depressed..upset..so many things and i dont know what to do with the feelings and so im writing tonight to maybe prevent any other behaviors..ive already binged today..to the point of feeling incredibly sick..maybe i wont take anything else out on myself today...maybe...im not feeling to strongly on that thought right now..it prolly doesnt help that i am feeling so negative and alone .  sarah is back from the hospital which is nice..but it makes me sad feeling so forgotten..and im trying hard not to make it about me and im trying hard to remember that it is something else going on...but i am feeling alone and that just makes me feel worse..and im being quiet and just waiting for something..i dont know...i dont have the energy to go and make conversation when i feel like it is still like talking to someone who isnt there..and my heart breaks just a bit each time there is no recognition...waiting is all there is to do with this i guess..and reporting changes and what not back to the doctor.. so like i said..i will schedule my breakdowns for some week in the far off future i guess..i guess i can break as long as no one knows...

i wonder if i can just sleep through tomorrow?? ill probably pass the day quietly ..not sure what to do with myself ..  maybe i can go to the movies or something..maybe i can just lay here and ignore the day..but i know mommy and nia will call and so i have to find some sort of level ground to be able to talk to them without being asked a million times whats wrong...i cant talk about whats wrong..im not even 100% sure i know whats wrong..but something is wrong...something is very wrong and the only way i know how to deal is to take it out on myself of course..sadly.  im not upset that i cut yesterday..but im sad that i will have new scars .. i sad i feel the need to keep cutting.to manage in silence..to scream as loud as i can and not be heard by anyone...i feel like im fading into the background..

i give up on writing...just talked to the aide and she isnt coming tomorrow which is fine i guess...its not like the day mattered or anything..i just have the day off from work..i guess i will be staying in tomorrow.  happy birthday to me ..yaaaay .. i wish i could explain the emotions that are funneling through me right now...but i cant..i just dont know how to say it..i dont even want to feel it...another birthday that will slip by..yeah  writing is not helping at all..

tonight

tonight i am hurting.  i dont want anyone to listen to me because i dont want to talk.  so im writing instead. it cant take back the cutting but maybe it will calm down some of the thoughts that make me want to continue...i want to search for and find a place of emptiness, a place of quietness..my thoughts have run far away from me today and i am just feeling broken...

i guess i am stressed out...

sarah is in the hospital.they admitted her..they think she has an infection that is causing her to be forgetful..like she was wondering the hospital and didnt know where she was..and they took her to the ER ..and called me and kept calling until i came..i was trying to avoid going honestly..im afraid of hospitals..and her forgetfulness scares me...i dont want to be forgotten..i have a huge fear of being forgotten and so seeing her forget me is really really hard and causes me to react without thinking..i want to yell and scream and cry but i cant ..so instead i cut..i have to make myself strong enough to manage without breaking..i have to fend off my own breakdown to make sure i am available for saarah..and im trying..im trying really really hard...i stayed at the hospital till they took her to her room...i talked to the doctors and just sat with her as she forgot me..

my birthday will be cancelled..if sarah is in the hospital then that is where my attention needs to be ..there is no time for anything else.. so it will be abother day.that i am trying to deal with safely..but again my thoughts have gone to the darkside..and i am struggling to find purpose..or anything to hold on to.

my stomach is bothering me...repeated trips to the bathroom..i missed work again today...im going to be fired if i keep missing work..there are so many more expectations laid on my head..paying wayne back now and not later..bills..saving..all financial stuff coming up and that always causes me to struggle..

im behind in work..my room is a mess..i dont feel good..im tired...im sick..im cranky..

im alone..ad right now i just need the pain..i need something else..i have to make it through the next few days...and i think silence will have to be my friend...silence and pain ...

i didnt tell anita because i was to close to crying..because i didnt know what to say..because i was sad and frustrated and upset and i didnt want to be..because my one time to myself truly was interrupted and i had to leave early which left stuff hanging for me..and so i just feel off balance...i feel vulnerable..and still like crying...i am not suicidal ..but i feel like im really close to walking that line..between being unsafe and being suicidal ...

i think i will just go ahead and take the meds and eat dinner..and lay down..

sarahs aide

i know and fully understand that sarahs aide is for her and what not but i truly do not know what i would do without her .. she checks on me as much as she checks on sarah.  she cooks and cleans and does a ton of stuff for both of us..she loves all of the cats and just is always offering care and support.  it means a heck of a lot.  it really does.

today i am proud

it may be a long long time in coming but today i am proud of myself..very proud of myself actually..i got my bank account paid off and fixed..ive paid all the bills...im going out to a party tonight with sarah and some new friends and i went out yesterday with coworkers.  i have money set aside for  the trip in oct..im feeling ok... i really am feeling ok..even though there are still a lot of feelings and things going on i am trying to make the best of it all..i had fun last night...i know ill have fun tonight..its big big things going on..who knew things would be as they are now???!!!  who knew.. and my birthday is next week so i am trying all the harder to be happy about things.. i want it to be a good day..i want it to be a good week. 

i want tacos :) 


but im also being more careful with my eating..my stomach is calming down..i know today i will be eating pizza and cake and stuff cas of the birthday party and well im included in the birthday celebrations..but im not going to over do it.  im going to try not to over do it lol... the thoughts of cutting come and go..but right now it seems i am looking for neutral terriorty with all the behaviors..im back on all of my meds...im going to work..im feeling ok..im doing stuff..little bits of stuff but still..im making friends..

i passed all the tests i had to take last week... i plan on catching up with my notes tomorrow so that i can start the week off right ! 

im feeling more positive.  i hope it sticks around. 

just thinking ..random things

i think i have been a little afraid to write since what i wrote the other day..i think i am waiting for the backlash...thinking about it i probably should have asked anita to call me after she read it or got it or whatever..i could have called her but i guess ive just been a little bit nervous about it all..and i can tell my eating is gradually slowing down from what it has been...good thing or bad thing..i truly have no idea..it really could just be that my stomach hurts so often that eating is just not high on the list of things to do...im eating smaller amounts but drinking a lot still..but i pretty much always prefer to drink things ..im always thirsty.

work has been stressful in its own way this week..ive been stuck doing tests and things for work and they are long and dull and boring..and i spend 8 hours stuck in an office staring at the walls..ugh..it is painful..

my current obsession is chicken tenders from martins...actually any food from martins ..but mostly i just get breakfast and chicken tenders for lunch..i truly am going to turn into a chicken one of these days..

things are fine with sarah of course ..we are talking a lot about my birthday and things..and what i want to do..im going out with my coworkers on friday for drink and dinner for my birthday..and then saturday sarah and i are going to a little birthday party meetup type thing...and then i have off next wed for my birthday. :)  i think im probably going to get myself some new books and movies and maybe a pair of sneakers ... my feet have been hurting so i think that is a logical thing..and im going to cash in my jar of change and maybe get some little toys from target..i want to go look back in target hehe.

it was my secret

it was my secret..mine..i was supposed to keep it..and never say anything about it..i was supposed to keep it safe and protect it and now someone else knows and i am so ashamed and embarrassed and feel like crying.. i shouldnt have said anything .. i really shouldnt have and it would have stayed a secret..

secrets can kill you..do you know that??  secrets can eat away at your insides until there is nothing lefts and then you just die and no one will care. you will be dead and no one will even know why.

go away, leave me alone

you didnt answer the question.  i didnt answer the question.  but that is answering the question.  saying nothing. refusing to answer. is like saying yes anyway. but i cant say yes.  that is bad. that is wrong.  that is dangerous.  people die from eating disorders.  people are sick and end up in the hospital from those.  its not about food.  its about control and power and thinking and feeling.

be quiet

how many times have you refused to eat ? how many times do you eat until you are sick?  how many years have gone by of carefully doing everything you can to get out of eating or to hide what you are eating or to pretend that you arent eating?  how many times have you planned it, what to eat, how to throw up just to dull out some feeling.  how many ways can you convince yourself that you are not destorying yourself one way or another.  do you hide from eating in front of other people?  do you feel like you are being watched and judged from eating?  would you not eat if it meant being liked more?  how far are you willing to go to be like everyone else?? how far do you honestly tell yourself you would go to be like everyone else?  the pills, the cutting, the hate, the shame, the guilt...why?  why are you willing to die to be what everyone else needs you to be ? the games, the i can do it better than you. i can destroy myself and i know how. i know how to do it and let it go unnoticed..ive thought about it..planned it..wanted it so so so very badly..to just go away..to just be invisible..to be silent but loved.  to be perfect in every way.  but i kept failing. i kept getting hurt. i kept believing i didnt want it enough. i wasnt trying enough. why couldnt i just be like everyone else.  im not pretty enough. im not happy enough. im not loved enough. so you keep your secrets locked up tight where no one can see how awful you are. how bad you are.  no one cas see how evil and horrible and unlucky you are.  but i can see..i can always see and no matter how many times i cut or starve or throw up or hurt myself or deny myself or hate myself..it doesnt go away.  it stays..it hides.  it pretends. it makes me believe i can be this person that doesnt exist. and i keep believing and i keep failing and i keep punishing because there is no other way.   take away all of this and im not sure i will exist anymore..maybe i never existed. there is nothing to me. just broken pieces of someone who died a long time ago and there is nothing left..whispering shadows of a very sad child, yells and screams of a very angry teenager, endless thoughts and whispers about life and living and things that are unattainable ..

you find a place where no hope exists and that is where you will find me.  lost.  stuck. afraid.

i hate you
and now you have gone and screwed up
watch what happens
just watch
you are to much to handle
you cant be helped

you will be thrown away

might as well do it yourself you know.

see what happens ..

i dont want to write. .

my thoguths are all over the place..my nerves are all over the place..im feeling quiet and sad and worried and to many things to even list. .. therapy left me a mess last week and im still not sure why..today im remembering that t said she is looking for another job ... just kill me know on that one..i regret talking to her if she is leaving :( i dont want to talk to her if she is leaving :(  

im laying down willing my stomach to hurt..willing anything to hurt ..so i dont have to go to work tomorrow..i think ive been gone so long that coming back is going to be hard...and nerve wrecking..and did i mention hard..but its a job..i have to remember that..it is only a job...it is not going to make or break me..i truly just want to make it through the end of the year and then we will see... but my motivation to succeed is back it seems...i have a lot of work ahead of me though...a lot of catching up to do..but my goal is still to keep my stress levels down...i have to...

mommy, nia, rob, and noa and back from vacation...i was worried about them and missed them...not that im telling them that..i told mommy i was concerned about her well being with being gone so long ...yeah..smooth move lol..im so silly at times...the same way i got really excited to see my doc the other day and then had to calm myself down and remind myself i dont like her...but i do like her..im just afraid to like her..ugh..the same way i like courtney and jane and anita but i cant tell them that... blah

we are going out to a movie and dinner today...i should get up but im still laying here because now im tired and want to take a nap..and playing sims...definitely playing sims ...

update sorta

ive been sick..since i guess that is the biggest news...sick and tired and achy and barfy and just kinda all around worn the heck out...maybe that is it..all the stress and worries and everything going on just made me sick..and i need to calm my nerves before i end up sick forever or something...i gotta de-stress a bit better...i know stress does contribute to my stomach issues..not eating right contributes to them also...so im working on both of those...i mean this week has been pretty low key with no work outside of the house...i have been helping sarah during the day but its not like im doing a lot...so i spend a lot of time laying down..napping..playing on the computer...i maybe should write a little bit more as there is still loads on my mind about various different things..various worries and concerns and fears..

therapy yesterday left me feeling sad..broken..anxious..i wish i had a better grasp on what we talked about that caused the shift but im not 100% sure..maybe all of it made me sad i dont know..

sick

today i am sick..like trying not to move or i feel like barfing sick..my stomach is not happy and it has been a lot of running back and forth..my body is tired.. i am tired ... and i hate feeling this badly

sigh

i cant seem to escape the triggers this week..i cant seem to escape my head..my impulsive habits are increasing and im not sure i even have the energy to care..as long as i am not dead right ??  that is the only thing that is truly cared about..i get up and go to work.do what i need..come home ..do what i need..and go to bed..every day..if i didnt show up would the world end ?? my head hurts..my chest hurts..my arms carry my screams of pain..but no one sees..its starting to get cooler again..i want to cool weather..it was mistake to find and have my razors..im sick daily now..with no end in sight..i guess i got what i wanted...i have been reminded that i am hated and worthless..and nothing will ever be different.  ill go to bed soon i guess.  i have a headache

frustration

i dont feel like im being listened to or taking seriously and it is frustrating and just very frustrating and i dont like feeling like i am not being taken seriously..i really really dont...so i go back to hiding in silence..i dont feel like there is a need to say anything when i am not being heard..so i go back to before..and exist without existing..move without moving..live without noticing..i see no point in anything else.   do enough and let the other shit go i guess..right ?!

...

just struggling this morning..a lot..i dont think i slept well last night .. i dont know what to do or what i want to do or any of that..i want to ignore my head and my thinking ..and i cant even do that ..

today...brain drain

right now mt entire body hurts :(  im trying to lay still but anything and everything is setting it off...i know i am feeling tense which isnt helping things but i also know that getting sick yesterday has caused a lot of soreness and i feel like my body wants to just fall apart...

so im in pain right now and just want to sleep but instead i am up thinking. i had a very interesting session with anita today..and my mind is once again going all over the place...

we did talk about the meet up thing and how that went and she said she was proud of me ... we did the usual updates and things and then we talked about eating and making friends sorta and things ...and i am left thinking way to much about things...i took an anxiety med just to get myself to calm down and not panic... so yeah ...

what i remember most ..and im paraphrasing here..so..

the child who made all those coping skills is not the adult you are now. the adult now just cant let go of the childs coping skills..

talk about a brain stopper!  i truly think that my brain stopped working for a bit after hearing that one..its such a loaded statement..and true in ways too...the stuff that worked for me as a kid and as a young adult..no longer work the same now...i keep trying ..i keep going back to them..and every time i am disappointed that i can not reach that same empty feeling where nothing matters..but letting them go fully terrifies me..i dont know who i am without them..i dont know how to cope ... ok so maybe that last bit isnt completely true..i can cope ... i just fall immediately into the negative coping skills..and end up no better than when i started... my mind keeps throwing this around ..i want to analyze it..i want to break it apart and see what becomes of it..  maybe i just need to acknowledge that i am truly an adult and not a kid anymore...i wrote a little about it on facebook and one of the responses said "its safer being an adult"  and i kept rereading it becuase my first thought was no its not...its safer being a kid...kids are protected..they are taken care of..they are loved...obviously my own little magical world supplied the answers to that statement because if im being logical i know that is not always the case ..and that makes me really really sad... i wasnt protected back then and i dont know how to protect myself now...i neeed someone else to do it...i want someone else to do it..and it goes back to truly wanting a mother...and that need not being filled..and i just feel sad..

with the eating though things are a little bit different...and today while we were talking i was trying to think about it all..and i was thinking long term stuff..past stuff..not current stuff..and i know having to give up gluten was the trigger..and it has just grown from there..and i had forgotten about that..because when i did that i was scared..and unsure of things..but messing with my eating is something i am familiar with..so taking stuff out was ok...but then it changed to being a punishment and even then i didnt realize that i was beginning to fall back into an old pattern of messing with my food...but it became im eating purely to get sick..im eating to stop thinking..im eating because im mad..its never about whether or not i actually want the food or if i even like the food or well enjoy it..its like eat as quickly as possible..overeat...feel sick..get sick..and then do it all over again..because if i am sick from eating and it is just my stomach not agreeing with something then its not really me doing it on purpose.  maybe that is what it would look like to someone looking in..but i know that it is on purpose..it is to punish..to cause pain...to hurt..to zone out..to not think or feel..but right now i am acutely aware of my body and i hate it..the old thoughts and feelings of hating myself are hanging around..all centered around food..why do i have to eat..why cant i lose weight..why cant i be better..look better..be wanted...why why why..and i am reminded of just how deep the hate still goes...back when i was younger mommy wouldnt let me eat..so i ate when she wasnt around an then threw up so that she wouldnt yell at me..so i wouldnt be in trouble.. sometimes the thoughts centered around losing weight..i was positive i wasnt doing any harm because i caould stop and start it at will..i didnt do it all the time so it wasnt dangerous..this was my thinking it middle school..i guess i peg that as the time it kinda started..it may have been the tail end of elementary school ..i dont know..but being aware of my self was nothing that i liked..i was bullied i guess in school for a few reasons..i read alot..i had an accent..i was overweight..i didnt make friends easy..i dont think i really made friends at all..but i was always trying to fit in..and i couldnt ..i think ive been taking out my anger on myself for a really long time actually..and right now that makes me sad too...so i got older..the binging and purging continued..off and on...i researched..i learned what was easy to throw up and what wasnt...i learned stupid facts .. that eating but not throwing up within an hour meant you had failed..and throwing up wouldnt even matter...ice was a food group..junk food was fine as long as you drank a ton of water or something...so on an so forth..it amazes me that i can still remember all these rules and these things that i had to do..not so that i would like myself ..but so that i would be like everyone else...i was compared to other people so much that i just hate who i am..i hate everything about me and wish to be anyone else..because then ill be liked..and loved..it was really bad in college..the binging and purging..well everything was kinda bad in college..but i was throwing up a lot..i was alone a lot...i didnt make friends in college..well except for yvonne and i truly dont know how we became friends..or how she has managed to stick around ..but she has..i was a master hider while i was in college..and after i left college to.. i said nothing..i did nothing to draw attention to myself..i was perfecting the art of being invisible..i lived alone off and on..and when alone my behaviors would get out of control and then calm down..a continuous cycle that never really ended..it was one or the other..cutting or purging..occasionally burning.. all things that hurt me in some way..all things that could be hidden...i had to know what i could handle..how far i could go...i would get as low as i could get and then refuse the hospital because of fear..because i didnt want anyone to know i wasnt okay.. i had to be okay.. i had to manage and deal with it and never say anything...i was terrified of being in therapy because i felt like i was to much to handle...that i would talk about all this stuff and end up having a nervous breakdown...i was told more than once by therapist that i was to much to handle or that i only focused on the negative stuff..and i believed them just as i believed mommy...there was something wrong with me that no one could fix..not therapy..not medication..certainly not the hospital..and all this time i was in and out of therapy..but i wouldnt truly admit to anything..i wanted up but refused to accept it..and fought against it..i made myself believe i was fine but i guess i knew that wasnt completely true either..because wanting to die and being suicidal and thinking of plans and overdosing on pills and getting ahold of different medicines  and taking them..i did want to die..i wasnt supposed to make it past 18..and then i wasnt supposed to make it past 21...every few years a new plan developed that i did not go threw with..and every year i wonder why im still alive...ive done everything i can to destroy myself...why am i still here? it was never about attention...like it wasnt attention seeking behaviors because i guarded my secrets with my life...i guarded my self destruction with my life..i wouldnt say anything .. i was positive no therapist would be able to make me crack..i made the therapist do all the work and i sat quietly and wouldnt look at them...i was an awful client to put it nicely..how can it be a cry for help when no one knows your crying ? or that you need help? no i was always fine. that was the only option really.

when did things change ?? when did i notice them changing?  when did i start listening and paying attention?  it was a gradual shift i guess...a very very slow gradual shift.. maybe it solidified into something solid when i met sarah..hmm i dont remember when i actually started with anita but i know i went to see her determined to not like her..and here i am a few years later actually talking about things with her..there are still a lot of struggles but no i am not where i was before..and that is surprising...i still have thoughts about things and still struggle to maintain control of myself and curb the negative behaviors..but im not a walking death wish anymore.. i made it through a hell of a lot of craptastic stuff both in the past and in the past 2 or 3 years..and some how im still here...i owe everyone a crap load of money but im still here...interesting isnt it...

ok i think thats enough for today.

struggling to accepts some things ...

i think therapy on monday has left me feeling vulnerable..scared...there are a lot of thoughts in my head and im not sure i have the answers for them at all...

this has been a tough week with work and im frustrated and just worn out..

i think im worrying a lot ... im not eating right and have been getting sick daily...and things are feeling out of control..and i dont know how to bring things back into my control ..

today sucks

everything has turned into sucking mode...i dont know if its my mood just being weird or if today just truly sucked.i dont feel good..my stomach hurts...im stressing about giving mommy money and getting my car fixed and saving for vacation..im worried and frustrated about my notes being late..im back to handwriting them and its taking me forever..im trying my hardest to catch up and do them and it seems i just keep falling behind..im overwhelmed to the point of tears and i forgot my meds thins morning..ok it wasnt i forget it was more like ill be ok without the meds..and my head is pounding and life sucks and yes i just want to cry...and no i dont need to not take the meds ... -sigh-  im off to hate everything

feeling gross

-sigh-  my eating is not so much over eating as just eating the wrong stuff....sandwiches are my big thing right now..and i swear i eat them daily...and im beginning to feel like heavy..like i dont know its weird...im just so tired lately...ok playing the sims until midnight did not help anything at all...but i am feeling like i am running low on energy this week...and highly distracted. ugh

the anxiety is way up..im picking my fingers apart...something is up but i dont know what it is... 

weekend

this has been a pretty good weekend ... relaxing ... ive been having some mood issues and have been feeling really angry and frustrated with things...i dont know why .. it was pretty bad on friday..but its eased up a little bit since then..but i got a lot of sleep.. like serious almost 5 hour nap today! which is why im still up right now lol..but i did laundry today and sarah and i went out for lunch and it was so good..i love going to chilis ! and i even got desert! my stomach is a little upset right now but i wouldnt trade today for anything..it was a nice day.  yesterday i went to the grocery store and im really not sure what i bought lol..i got waffles...a lot of waffles !   right now i just want sandwiches and well waffles ... i think my anxiety is up and thats when i end up eating the same things over and over...maybe ... im not eating completely gluten free right now...im trying to decide what i want to do with my eating..like i felt better not having gluten..i truly did ..but trying to stop this time around is so much harder...but i think if i can manage not to go overboard..i can manage..maybe not but ill have to see...im gonna be working on not getting fast food this week..and if i do good then we can go out for dinner ot something over the weekend.  i may need to leave my money at home !!! but i pack my lunch and things so i should be ok..just gonna have to remember to make myself eat in the morning before going to work...that is my downfall..and taking all the meds on an empty stomach makes me sick so i end up stopping and picking something up..but i know i am relying way to much on fast food ..

but i am having an issue with my side again...its a pain that comes and goes..sometimes its really bad and it hurts to move even a little bit..and sometimes its like a little twinge that im aware of but can work around ...every time it happens i get scared that its like my appendix or something..but all i get is the random pain..no fever, or vomiting or anything else..the area isnt swollen and if i press on my side it doesnt really hurt...im going to call my doc this week and talk to her about it. because im really not sure what to do..should i be more concerned?   i thought it was from like sleeping wrong or something ..because it is always my right side...sometimes lower and closer to my hip hurts and yesterday it was a bit higher and was radiating around my back and stomach when i moved...im a little concerned..but again i may not be as concerned as i need to be..ive explained away some serious medical stuff as nothing important..and i ended up in the stupid hospital...so ill call my doc and see what she can tell me..i refuse to look up anything on webmd because then ill just convince myself that im dying ..

oh and we are getting a kitten on wednesday...sarah said i can call him gizmo :)  im gonna go shopping for him on tuesday when i get off of work..im excited about the kitten but nervous to because well bounce and kai are possibly not going to enjoy a little ball of fluff...maybe they will..but hopefully they dont kill each other!! bounce is getting older and kai has so much energy..maybe a kitten will be good for him.

im moving the trip back a little bit and its going to be at the end of october now..which is fine..it will be cooler! and ill have more time to put money aside..hotels are not cheap lol..but it will just be less stressful planning and everything when i have more time and money to work with...so the trip will be in oct now..for sure lol..

but tomorrow is monday..back to the work week...tomorrow is anita too. hopefully this week is a bit less stressful than last week!

anxious

i dont know why im feeling so anxious but i am..im picking at everything..im nervous and shakey..i dont know..im very nervous actually ..but im just laying down..why am i nervous? im something..i dont know what..but its making the anxiousness worse..im getting a headache and i want to sleep but of course im very awake right now...ugh

Ugh

Im so frustrated and i dont know why

update...

its been a couple days and i have begun to calm down...sarah should be coming home today...im working on my late notes and well things will be right with the world again..well mostly right with the world because it is still freaking hot and im sure everytime i go outside, i die a little bit !

seeing anita yesterday helped a lot and well she helped me some of the illogicalness of my idea to be put in the hospital...we talked about eating stuff and im not sure how it came up but i know i didnt plan to talk about it at all ..i never want to talk about that part of things because it is embarrassing and gross and i dont know...im trying to be careful with all the 'i said to much and need to be punished thoughts' ..my eating has been awful though..yesterday and monday...ugh

ill be drowning myself in notes today and tomorrow to get everything down.. i dont plan on them holding my paycheck at all ...

but well i guess its just a week then...a lot going on this week...

logic

i reject any and all types of logic right now...my current thinking is..that if i get sick too then i will be sent to sarah...

there is nothing else to say or work out .. i know the logic in that is majorly flawed but my brain wont accept anything else..

throw a tantrum, pout, whine, cry...etc..hate everything, dont want help, hiding and isolating..it is a struggle to remain in a completely adult mind frame when fear and feeling alone is present ...

(wrote that last night and then fell asleep) 


my back is killing me..lower back..i dont know why but it is definitely hurting me today a lot...i was late taking my meds and im trying hard to curb some of my impulsive behaviors...i feel bad so lets go blow what little money i do have...or lets go eat everything and end up sick and in even more pain...dont go get razors just because i am upset and overwhelmed...the usual .. the constant battle to remain safe and calmish and in control...dont lose control ..so i recongized that i wanted to binge and so instead i made myself start cooking dinner instead of going out for fast food ...  some days i truly hate being aware of my own behaviors and knowing i have the tools to combat them..i guess im armed with a baseball bat or something and i have to constantly beat the thoughts back before they take over..im on the edge but i keep going one step back and one step forward...i havent gone over..but its a constant fight to stay where i am...im trying to work through my feelings and i feel like im writing a novel with all this journaling ...but i dont have any better ideas ..and i hate talking on the phone..mommy is being weird and i cant put my finger on why..but it is a strong feeling...she keeps saying she loves me and asks if i love her ..and why i dont talk to her and that she is there for me..stuff like that..stuff she rarely says ..and it is disconcerning...it puts me immediately on the defensive..and i wonder if she looked through my journals i had at home...it wasnt my main ones with the magnitudes of writing and thoughts and feelings..but there was some writing in them..and i just wonder if she read them while packing up my stuff..i didnt have them laying out or anything..but who knows...

sigh

this will be short as i think i will pass out soon.. i made sure that i will sleep tonight...im not going to die but i just want to sleep through the night you know..

ugh my thinking is being pushed into a really negative space and it is getting harder to pull myself away from it .. i just keep thinking about sarah and worrying and i cant see her..and i found out today that they are sending her to a hospital that is almost 3 hours away..that is a weekend trip...they are moving her tonight and so hopefully ill get a call once she is setttled into the new place..i hope she is ok.i wonder how long she will be there..i wonder when ill be able to see her..i miss her..the apartment is super quiet...and im afraid of things..my paranoia has kicked into high gear..and im a little on edge...im going tomorrow to get my meds filled...maybe ill go shopping ... i feel so guilty ...fighting to be ok and stay ok and do things that are fun while sarah is in the hospital...i know she would want me to be ok..but i still want to hide and do nothing and just sleep.i want to shut out the world..ignore everything and just stay home ..and hide ... and try to be safe..but there is more to life isnt there than that?  i know there is but im afraid to do things alone still...im still so afraid of the world ..and i feel like i dont fit in :(  the depression and anxiety and poor social skills causes me to feel like i dont fit in...i didnt go out with my co workers tonight because i am depressed..i didnt want to bring them down or have them concerned about my well being when everyone is trying to have a good time..so i stayed home...i had also taken percocet and i know not to drink or drive after taking those...sooo staying home was the plan ..i just wish i had felt strong enough to go..that i could have gone out and had a nice time..and i didnt ..i mean my coworkers know im having a hard time right now..and that im worried about my roommate..so not being there has been explained..but its just rough..its like i have to learn to be on my own..and im not feeling so confident about it..

but ok..ill go and watch netflix for a bit..maybe cartoons
i am safe..i havent hurt myself by cutting...i am eating to much of the wrong foods and took as extra sleep med tonight...but no cutting..but tomorrow is a new day...tomorrow i will try again ..

i dont know how i feel

right now i think i may be a little bit numb..i keep thinking i should be freaking out..destroying stuff..something..anything..and instead i am sitting here writing instead of reacting...i dont know how to react..i dont know what i want to do or say or think..right now i think all of it may be out of my realm of possibilities..maybe everything that has gone on has wiped out all feelings for forever...

sarah is in the hospital...she will be moved to a different hospital so the not knowing has me worried...struggling to get in contact with her..and being told a nurse would call me back and waiting and waiting had me frustrated to the max..but i finally talked to sarah a little bit ago and she filled me in... so she is safe and getting hellp...that is good.. i am happy she is safe and being cared for..im sad that she is alone..im sad i have to work.. im sad i dont know where she is going ...

im afraid because i am alone..for the first time in a really long time it is just me..and that has me feeling nervous..what am i supposed to do with myself ?  how am i suposed to take care of myself ?  there is always sarah ..its the two of us..against everyone else ..but right now i just feel lost and alone and vunerable..

its hard not being able to explain the severity of the situation..my work people know sarah as my roommate..so my continued worried and stress and things may seem out of place..not that it is there business but they dont know that sarah and i are together and so this for me is very serious..i worry that im being judged or something..i dont know..i worry im talking about it to much..maybe im trying to get support but feel like no one will care because she is just my roommate to them..maybe i am looking to deeply into something that is not really there.. my supervisor has been incredibly caring and supportive ... i know i am struggling...beginning to slip a bit as my thoguhts try to run away from me..i have to maintain control...  i keep thinking that i didnt try hard enough to help..that i didnt care enough..i just didnt do enough..and i was all out of ideas ... and then anitas voice jumps in and tells me its not about me..and i want to scream bloody murder... honestly i think im jealous..because sarah has so many more options than me when it comes to getting help..and i am jealous because things would look a lot different for me if i was in crisis..and i would have hospital bills piling up all around me...silly and stupid thing to be jealous over but i am...im an awful person...im walking that thin line between making things about me and keeping things about her...i want to be supportive and there and instead im worrying that i will need to stave off my own breakdown...i know right now im just overwhelmed and my thinking may be different in the morning..maybe not..but the situation wont chhange..but i cant let my thinking go off into left field..it takes so long to reel it back in...im unsure of myself ..im unsure of being alone...i spend a lot of time around other people these days and so time alone is a luxury..but now i have a little time and i dont want it...i would gladly have sarah back and just know she is here than to have the apartment to myself ...

my head is becoming a jumbled mess..i think laying down is a good idea..

i just want to hide in bed and pull the covers over my head and not be apart of the world for a little while ... thats all