it was my secret

it was my secret..mine..i was supposed to keep it..and never say anything about it..i was supposed to keep it safe and protect it and now someone else knows and i am so ashamed and embarrassed and feel like crying.. i shouldnt have said anything .. i really shouldnt have and it would have stayed a secret..

secrets can kill you..do you know that??  secrets can eat away at your insides until there is nothing lefts and then you just die and no one will care. you will be dead and no one will even know why.

go away, leave me alone

you didnt answer the question.  i didnt answer the question.  but that is answering the question.  saying nothing. refusing to answer. is like saying yes anyway. but i cant say yes.  that is bad. that is wrong.  that is dangerous.  people die from eating disorders.  people are sick and end up in the hospital from those.  its not about food.  its about control and power and thinking and feeling.

be quiet

how many times have you refused to eat ? how many times do you eat until you are sick?  how many years have gone by of carefully doing everything you can to get out of eating or to hide what you are eating or to pretend that you arent eating?  how many times have you planned it, what to eat, how to throw up just to dull out some feeling.  how many ways can you convince yourself that you are not destorying yourself one way or another.  do you hide from eating in front of other people?  do you feel like you are being watched and judged from eating?  would you not eat if it meant being liked more?  how far are you willing to go to be like everyone else?? how far do you honestly tell yourself you would go to be like everyone else?  the pills, the cutting, the hate, the shame, the guilt...why?  why are you willing to die to be what everyone else needs you to be ? the games, the i can do it better than you. i can destroy myself and i know how. i know how to do it and let it go unnoticed..ive thought about it..planned it..wanted it so so so very badly..to just go away..to just be invisible..to be silent but loved.  to be perfect in every way.  but i kept failing. i kept getting hurt. i kept believing i didnt want it enough. i wasnt trying enough. why couldnt i just be like everyone else.  im not pretty enough. im not happy enough. im not loved enough. so you keep your secrets locked up tight where no one can see how awful you are. how bad you are.  no one cas see how evil and horrible and unlucky you are.  but i can see..i can always see and no matter how many times i cut or starve or throw up or hurt myself or deny myself or hate myself..it doesnt go away.  it stays..it hides.  it pretends. it makes me believe i can be this person that doesnt exist. and i keep believing and i keep failing and i keep punishing because there is no other way.   take away all of this and im not sure i will exist anymore..maybe i never existed. there is nothing to me. just broken pieces of someone who died a long time ago and there is nothing left..whispering shadows of a very sad child, yells and screams of a very angry teenager, endless thoughts and whispers about life and living and things that are unattainable ..

you find a place where no hope exists and that is where you will find me.  lost.  stuck. afraid.

i hate you
and now you have gone and screwed up
watch what happens
just watch
you are to much to handle
you cant be helped

you will be thrown away

might as well do it yourself you know.

see what happens ..