getting stuck in the past

every since i saw britney i am struggling a little bit with maintaining control over my thoughts of mommy ... and it comes and goes and it is hitting hard this evening..and i dont know what got it started off again...but i cant seem to get the thoughts to stop and it is dragging me into a not so great place ...

mommy has a great face that she shows the world and that has always been a sore issue with me..because i have seen her when she does not have her public face on..i have been on the receieving end of her hitting and yelling and all sorts of stuff...i have listened to her rant and rave for hours and prayed to just be hit or whatever so she would stop..ive listened to the threats and comments about how i will be taught a lesson..god forbid i got in trouble while we werent actually at home because then the whole trip is ruined while i try and fail to disappear..try to be good and hope she forgets she is mad...  but i am told over and over how caring and helpful mommy is..how i am so lucky to have a mom like her..im told i should be grateful..im told that my childhood was awesome because i did so much stuff..went places..traveled ..did stuff.. and it hurts and i feel like im such a liar.that i just didnt really see anything...i made it all up..how can what i saw be so different from what others saw?  how can no one see what i see ??  i dont understand it :(  these worries have kept me silent a long long time...who would believe me ?  why would anyone believe me?  how come i cant be more grateful and not so selfish?  how come i cant just let it go ?  maybe that is the million dollar question..why cant i let it go?

i cant let it go because it hurts me...my past hurts me in so many ways and i struggle still to understand all of them..i struggle to remember..i struggle to forget..i struggle to put things in order..i struggle to stay alive..i struggle to breathe and live each day because of the past..because i cant let it go..because it still haunts me .. because it sneaks into my dreams, my thoughts..it takes over how i feel and makes it impossible to remain present and remain adult..it makes it impossible to grow and manage safely because of the fear and pain and hurt that i cant release..because tthere are so many questions and i do not have any answers..there is no why..there is no why did she pick me ? why was i signled out so much..why was i the one that was always with her, i tried to hide, to be quiet, to not be seen..and still she saw me...she found me..she called me..and i couldnt say no..i followed her blindly and pushed the panic and fear down..until it was nothing.until i stopped feeling...

i talked about some of the things mommy have said to me..how she told me she makes me angry on purpose so that i will do what she wants..or how im to selfish to ever have anyone love me...how im selfish and dont care about anyone but myself ..when she asks me why cant i be more like nia or my college roommates..why cant i be more talkative.. she told me that something was wrong with me and that i needed to be in the hospital.... that i am a liar and a thief ..and that she wanted to kill me..that she could kill me. the list is so very long of all the things mommy has said to me..if she wanted to break me she did..ive been broken for my entire life. i asked britney if a parent is supposed to tell their kid that they want to kill them...i left out the part about her holding the knife ... but i saw it...i still see it..she is behind me ..right behind me ..and i remember that i wished and hoped and prayed for her to just put me out of my misery..and she didnt .. she just didnt ... there is the stuff that goes back further than that incident..making me eat out of the toilet, beating me awfully when it was assumed i pushed henry down the steps, washing me and dressing me as a preteen..forcing me to do things ..not protecting me.. excluding me and telling me so..because i was only needed for cooking and cleaning.. because as an adult i panicked so bad i was sick when henry and i broke something that i was in tears and trying to figure out what to do..he took the blame and wasnt looked at twice... because i get paranoid that she is following me ..and will randomly show up to see what im doing .. that she takes my money...she used to just take now..now she is nice enough to ask me for it..she can tell me what my checks will be before i even see them... because she can still guilt me into almost anything..

because im still willing to die if that is what it takes for her to love me... everything about that is saddening...and the thing is..i know i mean it with all my heart...i will die if that is what it takes .. or my behaviors will kill me .... how is that for some ultimately depressing shit on a saturday night..

im tired of writing.....

well...its saturday (not anymore)

well..it was saturday..and then it was sunday..and now it is monday and im still looking at this page wondering what in the world it is that i am trying to say...


i went this morning and got my shot..and ran a couple errands..and now im home and laying down because my arm is going numb...stupid shot..and being to feel a bit crummy..so laying down it is ... i have therapy and see the bh people on wed and that is all of my appointments for this week..i am going to get my hair done on thursday and so i guess ill be spending tomorrow taking out the current style and washing my hair and all that good stuff...

im trying to remain positive on the whole money aspect of things..like i paid the bills, paid my own bills, got all my meds, we have food, gave my brother a little and ordered something for mommy and i got a tank of gas, and the cats are settled ... and im down to dust in my bank account and it is a little disappointing to see that i have no money left for anything fun. .. but things are paid you know..im trying hard to accept that this time around money had to be spent on stuff we needed..but sometimes it is just frustrating to watch all of the money just slip away with not much to show for it...blah..its ok..it will be ok if i could quit worrying about it..i have enough left over for therapy on wed ..and then its kinda ...uh ill be hanging out at home for the rest of my life lol...

this weekend was really really rough ... mood wise i couldnt seem to stay stable..up and down..ok and not okay..tearful and angry...everything...nothing...i felt so unimportant and like i wasnt needed or wanted..i didnt feel good...sarah wasnt feeling good and ended up going to the hospital twice .. and i was feeling i guess exposed with the whole budget thing being shared around with her family..and worries about a lot of different things..and i was upset with myself for being upset about it...i want to be supportive and caring and i ended up upset...ugh..im such an awful uncaring person..it shouldnt matter that plans had to be cancelled but for some reason this weekend not being able to do the fun dinner just made me upset...i know its not the end of the world .. and yes of course i would rather she go to the hospital and get checked out to make sure she is ok...i dont like her not feeling well and i feel so helpless because i cant do anything to fix it... -sigh- oh and yep still hate cleaning up vomit...i think its safe to say that it doesnt matter if its my own or not..vomit just well sucks..and its so gross .. and stomachs are just gross with what they can uh eject...but anyway it was just a rough weekend and im glad it is over with and im just going to try to focus on today and the fact that i want to take a nap

im highly frustrated with the inconsiderate upstairs neighbors...i dont like that there bedroom is right over mine and that i can hear EVERYTHING ... it is embarrassing and i swear it sounds like they are doing there best to destroy their furniture..i want ear pplugs but im afraid that blocking out all sound will scare me..and ill end up not using them..so i try to play something loud on my computer when i start hearing them to try and block them out ...

healthwise i have been feeling crummy...ive been taking my meds but ive once again stopped checking my sugar and have been eating a lot of junk ...well more junk...im still not really drinking sugary stuff...(and i made an appointment to see nutrition today while i was at the clinic) ..but like eating a lot of bread and stuff..you know..the stuff that im being told i cant have..so i go overboard with it...i weighed myself while i was at the clinic today too and while i havent gained weight..i havent really lost any either ... im glad im not gaining but frustrated at myself for not having lost anything...i need to try harder..i want to try harder but well i want cake too..ugh i have totally moved out of wanting to punish myself .. .now its just a matter of caring enough to go back to trying .. i have the stuff..but i make not the best choices ... and im still skipping breakfast more often than not...im gonna restart the food journal ... and all of that... that will help..im going back to see the nutritionist..that will help too .. so yeah..i am aware but making better choices is a struggle...i realize my mental health truly effects my physical health ... and i very easily slip into not caring and not trying .. and just saying screw it to all of this... but it makes me so so angry to think that my physical health could kill me at some point ..if i dont get a handle on it..i know that there can be a lot of complications with diabetes ... and it like a personal let down to know that a complication could be the cause of my death..vs say me killing myself for some reason...how is that for logical ?!?!?!? so my numbers still need to come down more...right now ive gotten them down to the lower 200s...but again it needs to be below 150..so i still have some work to do..i know the meds cant do everything ..and that the main effort has got to come from me... but i am just struggling with it...

i did go and get my glasses ordered and i am waiting anxiously for them to come in...

2 visits in with the new therapist .... jury is still out on how i feel about her...but i have an appointment scheduled for wed morning all the same... 

weight of the world

tonight i feel like the weight of the world is sitting on my shoulders and it is weighing me down so very much...i feel so tired...so drained .. i dont want to fight anymore but i am not sure of what i am fighting currently..i was ok ..i thought i was ok and then this all hits me and maybe it has been building..maybe i am thinking and worrying and there had to be a release valve..but the pressure is still in my head..the pressure is still building ..and i just keep adding things on..maybe ill make a list of what i am thinking about ?

jaylen coming and me screwing him up somehow
paying for things
planning the summer
seeing britney
worrying about what courtney said to her
will she think i am bad ?
im not trying hard enough with my health
i need to get my hair done
will i like the melting pot ?
why doesnt sarahs family like me ?
mommy hassling me and arguing with me
me placing all sorts of pressure on myself
feeling like im failing at everything
feeling like im being left behind
worrying about bills..
thinking about my sister ..
worrying about the anxiety..

those are some of the main points that have been running through my head in the past couple days ...a lot of worrys ..a lot of thoughts and wondering and thinking and wanting and just not getting anywhere with anything ... it could also be that i have been in the house for the past couple days and so maybe fresh air might help..i dont know .. im just feeling badly and thinking badly and i want an escape..i want the pressure to release ..and i dont know how to get that ...i ended up taking 2 klonipin and the trazodone..maybe sleep will be an escape...i hope sleep comes quickly because i am tired of thinking..

amped up

i dont know why i am feeling so on edge..so amped up..but the feelings are just increasing and i feel like my mind is movnig to fast for my body to keep up..i keep thinking and thinking about so many different things..wanting so many different things...trying to figure out so many different things..i think it may be a latent reaction to the doc visit today..and feeling a bit nervous..talking to mommy and all of it..coming off of the benzo sooner rather than later..knowing she is going to talk to the new therapist..and being afraid of what she is going to say..and not wanting to go to a different clinic and just a lot bouncing around in my head and im feeling anxious and frustrated and irritated and i want to be left alone but there are people in the aprtment and it makes me feel even more anxious..im getting a headache big time right now..

punishments and rambles

i have been punishing myself this week...it is starting to calm down..i am still having some binging episodes..but only cut once ... disappointed a bit in that but trying not to dwell...ive been over eating a lot and hoping to get sick..some of it has been anxiety too...but as this week is coming to a close maybe the need to punish willl keep decreasing...i know in my head that im not hurting anyone but myself but i feel like somehow all of this is getting back at those who have made me mad this week...not logical i know ..but that is how i think about it...

ive got curvon again this weekend...he is a major distraction for sure...it may snow tomorrow too which i am looking forward to.  i really need to go and pick up my medicine because i havent gotten very good sleep the past couple days .. and it is wearing on me..i do tend to be more cranky when im not sleeping..

i will be getting jaylen this summer and i have so many plans for that i want to do...i found a swim shirt that will cover my arms and so i am excited about going to the pool with him..a lot of plans..it will be a busy summer thats for sure.. 

but with getting him, i have to be more stable ... so therapy and meds and all of that have to keep happening..i want him to have a happy summer and i dont think my spending all day in bed is going to do that for him...

im nervous about how to work on fitting me and sarahs schedules together because jaylen will have to be with one of us at all times of course..and i may be working another job by then...

the cats are fine...in the process of looking for another kitten..a little girl kitten.   havent found her yet :)

but things are moving along i guess...busy busy schedule full of doctor appointments...i go get my eyes checked on monday so ill be able to get my glasses back soon..my eyes have really been bothering me...i will totally wear them this time lol..like consistently wear them! 

im still seeing the behavioral health lady, and i see courtney for a med talk next week, add in a therapy session and i have an appointment once again almost every day!   im trying to get myself together..and again i am grateful that i am able to put all of this time into getting better...im grateful that i have sarah pushing me to work on getting better.  so now i just gotta keep working on stuff...mental and physical...

new therapist

i met a new therapist yesterday,  one that i have picked out by myself for the first time in what 16 years.  normally i end up with referrals and im placed with someone...this time i found someone that i think i wanted to try out and went and talked to her.  it was different..being in an office and not the clinic..i talked to her and i have an appointment to go back..so i guess there was something i liked...i will see her next week and then have off a week...so that will give me time to think and decide if i want to stick with her...her office wasnt very colorful...but there are windows that i can look out of..and she remembered that i said i sometimes needed things to keep my hands busy and had a couple things available for me...her practice has a small waiting room that was thankfully empty..but i also had curvon with me yesterday so that was good. we kept things kinda light, talked about stuff i had put on the intake forms...i asked to bypass parts of it and she was ok with that. i just feel like there are so many issues to deal with and that i will be overwhelming for her...i dont know..i guess will have to see what next week brings..

vomit on things

as i realize that my mood is going downhill ..i am forced into writing.  i am forcing myself to write as i have had a lot of things on my mind the past few days but no real time to write...

so the big big issue with going home is the sadness that closes in over me and refuses to let go..just going home, being in the general area of home, knowing i am home creates a vacuum effect and i am sad, tired, hurt, scared, anxious, worried, paranoid.  add in mommy and all of the feelings intensify, there is so much want, there is a huge desire to be noticed to have her attention, to just be wanted. I feel like i am ignored, judged, hurt every single time i am around her.  I feel her watching me, looking at me, but that is not the attention i want.  the attention mommy gives me puts me on edge.  i try so hard to tell her good things ive done, to talk to her about things and i am brushed aside unless it fits into something she wants. a conversation full of fake smiles and laughter.  i watch her without looking at her.  i heard what she said, i heard the tone of voice, and i heard her immediately add on what i should be able to do in the future. the hint at what i should be doing now and i get quiet.  i am hurt and i can not even being to explain just how huge it is, how ignored i feel, how angry.  every single time that anticipation is there..the want, the excitement mixed in with heart stopping fear and i am continuously disappointed ...my hope dies every time and still foolishly i keep wishing and hoping that something will change.  that she will see me..that she will want me..and i realize that i am still nothing, not good enough, not anything...i have failed so many times that i dont believe she will ever see anything worth wanting in me...but i keep trying..and i want to kill the part of me that keeps trying..i set myself up to fail.. and then i feel worthless and stupid for trying...because i know that i was just at home and now i am anxiously awaiting the next phone call that will remind me of everything that is wrong with me...i messed up with wayne ..i already got yelled at about that...i messed up with my hair..what has she left out ?  my weight?  what i wore?  my job?  my life? my existence? my everything is called into question, to be put under the microscope and to be judged..i am condemned before i ever had a chance..and i stupidly walk into it...over and over and over..worthless rat that i am.. when will i learn..i need to be reminded.  i have forgotten my place..i need to be punished..that is the thought that is running rampant..

today.

things have gone a bit differently than planned today.  i woke up trying to prepare for a really hard day and ended up having the gyno appointment canceled by my doc...i guess writing has its benefits i printed out what i wrote over the weekend and gave it to her this morning when i went to see the nutritionist ... doc talked to me after my appointment and said she would cancel the appointment..that it didnt have to be today... my goal actually hadnt even been to get the appointment canceled...i just wanted her to know what was going on and try to explain why i was so afraid of it and stuff .. but she read it and thanked me for sharing and im of course trying to disappear into anything at all because now she knows more than she should ...so no gyno appointment today...i have to of course keep her in the loop about what is going on..and everything.

i saw the nutritionist again today and i actually enjoyed talking to her today..it sucks that they are only there 2 weeks at a time because that means i will constantly be seeing new people..but i would like to see that person i saw today again... it was actually helpful...i think some of my fears concerning eating are coming out..and im having days where i am struggling to eat at all...she talked to me about eating on a more consistent basis and not skipping meals ..because im down to two meals a day and that is pushing it some days...i am having a lot of thoughts about punishment and not allowing myself to eat..i am much more focused on food and stuff...today was the first day in months that i have not had any real sugary drinks...i did eat fast food though because i didnt eat breakfast and went to two appointments and so by 12 i was starving and out..and fast food it was....i had to kinda force myself to eat dinner...and writing this i know that my methods of harm are changing again..food is becoming what i am using to have control is some ways i guess..and not cutting... i dont know..it gets a little bit confusing ...

as for therapy ...i am still looking..i emailed my first choice and she is not taking new clients...i got a call about the vcu place that i had to do like an application for and im going to call them back tomorrow and talk to them...i have another person that i may email and ask if she is accepting new clients.. im really disappointed that my first pick isnt able to work out..but its back to the drawing board a bit... i havent heard anything from the clinic so i am guessing that it was a no on finding me someone on friday..so im looking still... i see the bh people on wed and they are helpful..getting to talk ..i wish i had more time with them...i am dying to talk ... really i am ...

im ok. i guess . for now

i have calmed down a lot since earlier this morning ...i did get up and eat breakfast and go and see sarah...i can home and cooked dinner...i havent eaten it yet but im hoping it is good !  i made grilled smokehouse chicken with garlic butter carrots..but again i waited to long to eat and ended up munching on a couple slices of pizza..oh well... i know i cant expect immeidate results but i kinda want immediate results..but im going to lay down and play the ds for a bit...i dont like the thunder ..so staying busy.

slippery slope of emotions

i wish i could say that i am doing stellar and everything is great and wonderful and fun...but i cant...maybe one day i will be able to though...


my thoughts are jumping all over the place and it has just gotten worse since finding out about the gyno stuff and then sarah having to go to the hospital and be admitted..worrying about keeping myself safe as i overthink everything..wondering what the point is and why am i doing this...i think right now the biggest fear is the gyno appointment on monday and not really being able to put into words why it is so terrifying so that my doctor will understand..the fear of being hurt in some way, or something happening makes me panic all over the place..i dont want to talk about all of that..im trying hard to manage and maintain but the urges to cut are very strong and getting stronger as the fear keeps trying to overtake me...i want to explain but i am afraid and then i say nothing ..and even writing this has me close to crying because it is so overwhelming ..and upsetting..and i dont want to be touched or looked at ..and since it will be an inner ultrasound that just adds on the panic ten fold. i dont want to do the appointment..but i dont want to keep bleeding either..and asking for a referral will just be a longer wait...i have to be strong but i feel like im crumbling .. i really really really freak out about these particular appointments ... because they are triggering..i guess that is the nicest way to put it..being undressed and being looked at and poked and prodded sends me back to another time..and it becomes hard to separate the two .. the  fact that it does hurt just makes it worse... mommy poked and prodded and looked at me .. checking for what i dont know... i am ashamed and afraid .. and ready to run..anywhere ...but i cant do that either..and so i end up just being a failure and doing stupid things and crying and getting in trouble because i cant manage myself ..

so i am taking the anxiety meds everyday ..to keep myself from going over the top..and still my thoughts run away with me and i keep getting pulled back into thoughts and moments from the past and it just hurts and the anxiety stays high..im trying not to over medicate but i know i am..im sleeping a lot and sarah isnt here... im going to see her today..she was admitted to the hospital because of a uti..im going to see her today.  i have to be strong for her but i am afraid ..because they are giving her a medication that she is allergic to with benadryl because the bacteria is resistant to the one she usually is given..and she is still in pain...and i am scared because she is still in pain..and the uti symptoms keep changing ..and the symptoms that may have happened before didnt happen this time...this time she is being given morphine for pain and that has never happened with a uti before..so i dont know...and not knowing of course makes me anxious ..and battling my usual fear of hospitals to go in and not panic ..

no call about starting therapy yesterday has me feeling like i am a loser ..i keep waiting and nothing..and then a weekend like this happens and its like freaking a ... ok a stronger term than that..but its bad...its a bad weekend...no i am not suicidal ..but the thoughts of just not being here and not dealing are running rampant and its makes me tired...i get tired of fighting against myself when it is so much easier to give in...give in, patch myself up and go on with the day..after seeing sarah ill probably hide in bed ..and not do anything ..hopefully ill sleep...because sleep is safe..nothing can happen if im sleeping ... my mind pin points where my razor is and i want it..i want the escape..its like just one time..thats it.. ill stop again..it will be ok.but one time is never enough..i know that..more and more and more and im running out of places to cut..i dont like burning myself as much ..but all of the thoughts are there and jumbled up and confusing..why do i want what i know is not ok...i know i am thinking about it all wrong ..trying to convince myself i dont want it when i know i do..when i know it will turn my brain off for just a little while . i just want a break at this point..a break from myself ..

and to make it even better...there are so many eating issues going on..right now my stomach is a little not happy but i am feeling really on edge and that may be causing it...ive taken my medicine..but all of the talks about eating and drinking and being healthy last week have been maybe a bit to much to deal with all at once ..i feel like that is everything and im getting to focused on it..if i get to focused it will get out of hand..stop eating or start over eating .. and not caring ... the way things are going though my eating is decreasing..and the problem with that is i am afraid that my not wanting to eat will turn back into throwing up..ok there i said it..to much focus sends me into a tail spin of disordered eating..and i know this ..but i cant explain it to anyone ..because i am ashamed that i still fall back on these things ..that they are still there and refuse to go away .. im fighting all of it right now...trying to remember that it doesnt have to be like this..but there is a big part that reminds me that it does have to be like this..that there is no way out..there is no stopping .. there is being quiet and hiding and letting everyone see just how wonderfully im managing...how im going to my appointments, eating better, going to the rec center..so that all the other stuff will never be noticed..longer sleeves, eating ice, not really talking about anything at all..just appearing fine for everyone to see..and then i dont have to worry about anyone noticing anything at all..that is what i am good at...pretending ...

im not going to make it without cutting...but no one else needs to know that.

panic and fear

struggling big time tonight...found out that i will have to see a male gyno on monday..and did not go into details with the doc as to why that is not an ok thing ... and so i have the appointment...which is causing panic and fear and worries and just getting really close to going back into shut down mode..i just want to be alone and not around anyone right now. and all the convos about eating and what to eat and what not to eat are getting to me. im angry about all of it now..i go back to see the useless nutritionist on monday. yay me. im sick of doctors right now..all of them. i want them to leave me alone but they keep saying they care and sh!t .. i dont want them to care. i want them to leave me alone. highly on edge and susceptible to do stupid things to make it to my appointment on monday

upset

why am i so upset and angry and tearful and sad  today...im on edge and i dont know why ..i dont understand why...why being upset by mommy two days in a row are having a negative effect..i was upset a bit yesterday but its worse today..maybe its that i keep getting talked to about my weight and losing weight and i feel like a loser ..i have lost 6 pounds since my last doc appointment ..but its like you should have lost more by now..stop eating so much ..stop drinking so much and you would lose weight ... i think i am feeling a bit attacked..with everything..and it is causing upset and paranoia ..and i just want to cry and be alone to suck and not bother anyone :(  and going home and knowing i havent lost enough weight and facing mommy again... yeah..i all around suck it seems .. im living up to no ones expectations...i should just die and go away .. :(

weekend fun ! ..

wow this weekend has been a whirlwind of activity..and for me that is a huge huge thing...ive spent weeks hiding in the house and just keeping to myself and trying to manage ... this weekend..curvon called and asked to come and visit since today is a holiday.. its not like i was planning anything super duper this weekend.  just dinner out with sarah which we will be rescheduling for a child free night lol...so he came over .. in the course of 3 days (im including today) we have been shopping numerous times, went to the park, went to sky zone, had a picnic, went to the movies, had a picnic, played video games, went out to dinner, ate girl scout cookies, watched cartoons, played with the cats.. its been a lot of activity..its been fun though...i do get irritated at times when he doesnt listen but i work hard not to yell at him..  but with all the stuff we have done, i realize just how much i havent been doing..i might as well be on my way to becoming a recluse !   it is surprising you know.. i know ive been struggling but good grief i have really been struggling..curvon goes home this evening..and i will miss him of course..i miss the quietness having him here but it is different having an active child hanging around .. i begin to crave my alone time !

in other news mentally i am beginning to even out and feel more present in things...im not taking the anxiety meds daily.. on the downside physically i am not doing so great..my stomach is bothering me again..and i am frustrated and upset about that..i even called the doc to talk about switching to insulin..im going to see her on thursday and talk about all of it...i did start the second med to help with my sugar though..so we will see...   my other issue is that i am still having my period and since im on the shot i shouldnt be having it but its been a month now with no stops .. im not thrilled and am constantly cramping and what not..ugh..so ill talk to the doc about that on thursday too..

im loaded up on doc appointments this week..i see the nutritionist today, courtney tomorrow, the behavioral health people wed, and the doc on thursday..i will definitely be getting out of the house this week!

oh and i took the cats to the vet...they have ear mites but other are very healthy the vet said.  kai weighs 11 pounds and gizmo weighs 10. i was hit with a crazy expensive vet bill but im glad i had the money to cover it.  it was more than i had anticipated spending..but im so glad they are healthy .. and happy lol.

vday and med doc..fun times

well today..has passed mostly in sleep and i do feel super bad about that..you know its vday and all and i slept all afternoon away..blah..but i made cake ..and my stomach is being stupid and i want it but im not feeling the best...so yeah.. but its ok sarah and i are going out on saturday. so that will be fun. and i even made dinner before i fell asleep! say that med doc today and i had to keep reminding myself that she is not a therapist .. i wanted so badly to talk about things indepth and its like nope..she doesnt know how to work the therapy side of things..she listens to me and tries..but its not therapy..and there is so very much stored in my head at the moment that i need to talk about..but that aside..i have the go ahead pretty much to look for an outside therapist..how nice is it that i have to save to see a therapist..but there is no guarantee time frame for me seeing someone at the clinic and umm i really need to see someone..so im looking around..i may have found someone that i want to try..but the intake alone is over $100..so i really will have to do some serious budgeting to be able to fit in weekly therapy..ive been given the go ahead to increase the new med.which is fine..no real side effects i dont think except being really sleepy and taking incredibly long naps..im seeing her again next week just to check in and i told her i would see how i was feeling then and decide if i needed to keep seeing her weekly.. i mean im feeling better ..like for part of the day..but things still tend to go back downhill at the drop of a hat...that part of things sucks royally. eating has been awful..but im so so soooooooooooo thirsty all the time..i drink juice all day long ..which i know isnt good for my sugar and what not...i really need to go and get more squeezy bottles to drink out of..i totally will on friday. cas ill drink the water in those with no problem..but to pour a cup of water and drink it is really hard to do most days..i gotta go and pick up the new med on friday..and start that one..and find my meter so i can start checking my sugar again..a lot going on..like a lot of little things going on..i did sorta start my food journal..it is embarrassing to put it nicely..well its embarrassing to me ..to write down what i am eating and stuff...and again im not eating that much you know...not like thousands of calories at a time or anything.. i do go and see the nutritionist on monday though..maybe that will help

but im tired still..gonna go and lay back down.

i thought i was feeling better

things felt less heavy until maybe friday?  so i had a small like 2 day reprieve from myself ..but now i feel the anger and irritability and unsettledness is drifting back in..i want to be alone..but i feel so upset about everything..i want quiet and i want to yell and scream and i just feel so so so mean..i know the medicine isnt a crutch..but i wish it worked..im not feeling suicidal but i feel like the thoughts and feelings could come back so very easily..  im feeling disappointed in myself cas i cant seem to be better...i cant seem to stay better..its just back and forth between not good at all and barely managing ... im running out of ideas of what will help...i just want to hide in bed and not have to deal with anything...

back on effexor

im actually putting this here so that i dont forget that i started it today.   so far today i just ended up really sleeping..  im on the look out for any possible side effects.

today the fog in my head has lifted a bit..i have been able to think a bit better...talk a little bit better...be more engaged..  i finally talked to nia about what has been going on..and that was helpful..she understood.. i was honest with her and even told her about the doc asking if i needed to be in the hospital.. 

i think being reminded that i have people who care has helped..im trying not to jump the gun here and say im all better..but i can say today was a bit better ..

shame

yesterday was a very very rough day.  i just felt bad ...and angry and quiet..things that are becoming the norm it seems. 

i did go to my appt to see courtney and it took a lot of effort not to start crying..sarah went to and that was helpful because i wasnt so forthcoming with information.  in a nutshell we have agreed to put me back on effexor to see if that helps.  i got frustrated trying to get it filled yesterday so i am trying again today.  i have to print out the coupon to get it. my medication prices are increasing again.. i may just get them all moved over to Lafayette and go to one place.. but that will happen next month most likely.   im also going to see courtney weekly for a little while.  the wait list is still long and has no openings.  ive decided to wait it out for another month and see if i get placed with someone..and if not then i will research an outside therapist ...i realized yesterday that i am hanging on to the clinic because i am comfortable there..because everything is all in one place..because they know me there...but i am not doing well and well safety is still an issue.   i also saw ro yesterday.  as expected my a1c is up to 11 which is not a surprise.  i am super disappointed in myself about it. but ill just add it to the list of things i am super disappointed in myself about.  it just makes me so frustrated because my eating is not that bad ... ugh..so a new med is goin to be added since i refused insulin again yesterday.  yesterday was not a day to ask me about insulin..but new med will be getting started next week.  maybe it will help..i need to find my meter again though and actually use it..oh i got the sleep meds filled yesterday though and actually slept most of the night!  this is progress.


i came home and crashed ... and ate cake.. i spent some time talking to sarah yesterday evening..it still takes me forever to for thoughts and actually talk...i spent some time last night talking on facebook and it was helpful.  i felt a little bit clearer after talking.  my head is still a bit ok right now..which is why im writing some before getting up.  i see the behavioral health lady today and i have a few errands to run..suddenly i want to cook and well that will involve a trip to a far away store ..ok i have to go across town..but maybe actually eating a real meal will be good..not a sandwich or chicken tenders. but actual food.  and maybe shower and do normal things..

something that i was reminded of last night in my chats ..is that i am doing more than i give myself credit for... i feel so ashamed of myself because i spend all day in bed..because im not functioning..because im not doing anything and i feel like i should be doing more..but in my chats last night we talked about that i am going to my doc appointments..im eating, im getting out of bed...all of that counts as doing stuff..more so right now because it all feels so very hard and it is a major struggle to get things done... so maybe im not as useless as i am feeling.

but i guess it is time to get up and figure out my day. 

can things get any lower?

im not asking that as a challenge ... good heavens im not..but right now i am ust wondering is it possible to feel any worse?   emotionally, and physically i am just drained..i am tired but again it is not a tired that sleep will help.. it is a tiredness that just seeps into my bones..a tiredness that pours out of me and finds nothing.  no real peace. no real answers. i am left thinking and my thoughts are running on top of each other and i just wish i had someone to talk to about it all..a sounding board in a way, just to bounce ideas off of because my brain is on overload..

i think i have been clinging so very hard to this waiting list thing for therapy..and the longer the weight the more hopeless i feel..when i first lost anita i knew it would be rough, i knew i would go backwards...i knew things would probably fall apart..but i think maybe i was also holding on to the hope that things would magically be ok.  i held it together..i think i held it together for little bits of time but as the days have worn on..my resistance has crumbled and i am left feeling lost and hopeless and like i have so very much wrong with me..and that there is no help...nothing helps..i dont want to keep changing therapists or doctors..i wanted things to stay the same and they didnt ..and now i have to find new options and that is terrifying for me... sarah kinda brought up the therapy thing today and it truly was something i hadnt thought of in a few weeks.  i was just managing..but not managing..hanging on by a very very thin rope and just shutting down to survive..i have isolated and pushed myself into this tiny tiny area and i dont know how to get back out of it now...i am afraid.  i am scared.  i am safe ?  in my tiny box i am safe from the world.  i barely interact with anyone..i cant go to the store without freaking out..im constantly looking out the windows, im avoiding the phone..im not talking..im barely exisiting .. and i dont want this to be how i live...i dont want my life to end this way...and i ask myself the same question that i asked sarah less than 3 weeks ago...

am i willing to fight ?  shit at this point im ready to go check myself into a hospital just to get evened out and back on stable ground..but that is not an option for me and so i guess i need to come up with a different course of action.  i am drawing a blank..i dont want to face want fighting will entail . 

do i want to die ?   i am fading away.  every day i just fade a little bit more.  i am getting so lost that im afraid no one will be able to find me.  that no one will even realize what has happened and i am just not there anymore.

there is so much anger, so much hurt, the behaviors hide the real issues and anita is the closet i have ever come to getting the dots connected..but there were still walls that we ran into..shut downs, refusals to go any further..  after these past few days ..well i think its been a week?  maybe 2?  i realize i cant handle the anger. i dont know what to do with it.  it scares me.  and i dont have a safe way to deal with or combat the anger.  i have to deal with the anger, the hurt, the guilt and shame and fear and all of it..maybe looking for an outside therapist may be a good idea.  i may need to see a trauma therapist.

but all of that leaves me wondering about money, about affording weekly therapy out of pocket.  i have to save to go to therapy.  and so i keep pushing the dates out.  no i cant do it this month, maybe next month..but oh i have things planned next month too..maybe the month after that..i may not last the wait for free help...so again i am left sitting with my back against the wall.  i am left wondering what is the point in any of this because it is all to hard.  it is all so much.  it becomes overwhelming.

and so i guess in a some huge roundabout way..the question becomes what do i need?  what is going to help ? 

since anita leaving..i have no routine..actually since leaving my other job i have no routine...i need routine..i need a schedule.  i need an outlet, i need a safe place , i need a bigger support system .. i need to be heard..safely...

but what are the next steps ?   i see courtney well today since it is after midnight..i will talk to her about the meds...maybe some of the heaviness will left once i am back on something.  maybe i will start to care a little bit more.  i need to talk to her about the wait list and see if i need to be looking at other options for therapy anyway.  not having anyone is not healthy for me..im not in a place yet to be able to support myself through all of this..so outside help has to continue ..

all thinking all of this causes the depression to flare so very strongly...i feel so sad...so empty...soo just useless..and i remember how my very first therapist told me that i had to many issues,  that one semester of therapy was not going to help and i would need to be referred out for long term therapy.  I was 18 at the time i was told that, a freshman in college.  I am currently 33 and I feel like i am still being referred out because i am to much to deal with, because i cant be helped.

i am just broken

therapy?

i keep thinking im managing, only to be told that i am not. i have shut down. that is what i have done. barely any information moving in or out. sarah wants to pay for me to see a therapist. something that i know is not in the budget but i hate seeing her so worried and i dont know how to make it better for her. im trying but everything is so hard. talking, living, moving, being, all of it is just so hard right now. im on the waiting list but who knows how long that can take or will take. its been almost 3 months now maybe. i cant seem to process anything. i go back and forth between saying im fine and barely being able to function..there are so many other things that we want to save for and stuff..but as sarah pointed out..im not doing much in the way of anything right now because im not stable anymore. truly do not know what the next step should be. wait out the wait list and still struggle with shut down mode..get back on some sort of meds and hope for the best..do nothing and hope to stay alive..find a new therapist and pay out of pocket with money i dont have? i dont know

me and my gizmo cocoon