punishments and rambles

i have been punishing myself this week...it is starting to calm down..i am still having some binging episodes..but only cut once ... disappointed a bit in that but trying not to dwell...ive been over eating a lot and hoping to get sick..some of it has been anxiety too...but as this week is coming to a close maybe the need to punish willl keep decreasing...i know in my head that im not hurting anyone but myself but i feel like somehow all of this is getting back at those who have made me mad this week...not logical i know ..but that is how i think about it...

ive got curvon again this weekend...he is a major distraction for sure...it may snow tomorrow too which i am looking forward to.  i really need to go and pick up my medicine because i havent gotten very good sleep the past couple days .. and it is wearing on me..i do tend to be more cranky when im not sleeping..

i will be getting jaylen this summer and i have so many plans for that i want to do...i found a swim shirt that will cover my arms and so i am excited about going to the pool with him..a lot of plans..it will be a busy summer thats for sure.. 

but with getting him, i have to be more stable ... so therapy and meds and all of that have to keep happening..i want him to have a happy summer and i dont think my spending all day in bed is going to do that for him...

im nervous about how to work on fitting me and sarahs schedules together because jaylen will have to be with one of us at all times of course..and i may be working another job by then...

the cats are fine...in the process of looking for another kitten..a little girl kitten.   havent found her yet :)

but things are moving along i guess...busy busy schedule full of doctor appointments...i go get my eyes checked on monday so ill be able to get my glasses back soon..my eyes have really been bothering me...i will totally wear them this time lol..like consistently wear them! 

im still seeing the behavioral health lady, and i see courtney for a med talk next week, add in a therapy session and i have an appointment once again almost every day!   im trying to get myself together..and again i am grateful that i am able to put all of this time into getting better...im grateful that i have sarah pushing me to work on getting better.  so now i just gotta keep working on stuff...mental and physical...