slippery slope of emotions

i wish i could say that i am doing stellar and everything is great and wonderful and fun...but i cant...maybe one day i will be able to though...


my thoughts are jumping all over the place and it has just gotten worse since finding out about the gyno stuff and then sarah having to go to the hospital and be admitted..worrying about keeping myself safe as i overthink everything..wondering what the point is and why am i doing this...i think right now the biggest fear is the gyno appointment on monday and not really being able to put into words why it is so terrifying so that my doctor will understand..the fear of being hurt in some way, or something happening makes me panic all over the place..i dont want to talk about all of that..im trying hard to manage and maintain but the urges to cut are very strong and getting stronger as the fear keeps trying to overtake me...i want to explain but i am afraid and then i say nothing ..and even writing this has me close to crying because it is so overwhelming ..and upsetting..and i dont want to be touched or looked at ..and since it will be an inner ultrasound that just adds on the panic ten fold. i dont want to do the appointment..but i dont want to keep bleeding either..and asking for a referral will just be a longer wait...i have to be strong but i feel like im crumbling .. i really really really freak out about these particular appointments ... because they are triggering..i guess that is the nicest way to put it..being undressed and being looked at and poked and prodded sends me back to another time..and it becomes hard to separate the two .. the  fact that it does hurt just makes it worse... mommy poked and prodded and looked at me .. checking for what i dont know... i am ashamed and afraid .. and ready to run..anywhere ...but i cant do that either..and so i end up just being a failure and doing stupid things and crying and getting in trouble because i cant manage myself ..

so i am taking the anxiety meds everyday ..to keep myself from going over the top..and still my thoughts run away with me and i keep getting pulled back into thoughts and moments from the past and it just hurts and the anxiety stays high..im trying not to over medicate but i know i am..im sleeping a lot and sarah isnt here... im going to see her today..she was admitted to the hospital because of a uti..im going to see her today.  i have to be strong for her but i am afraid ..because they are giving her a medication that she is allergic to with benadryl because the bacteria is resistant to the one she usually is given..and she is still in pain...and i am scared because she is still in pain..and the uti symptoms keep changing ..and the symptoms that may have happened before didnt happen this time...this time she is being given morphine for pain and that has never happened with a uti before..so i dont know...and not knowing of course makes me anxious ..and battling my usual fear of hospitals to go in and not panic ..

no call about starting therapy yesterday has me feeling like i am a loser ..i keep waiting and nothing..and then a weekend like this happens and its like freaking a ... ok a stronger term than that..but its bad...its a bad weekend...no i am not suicidal ..but the thoughts of just not being here and not dealing are running rampant and its makes me tired...i get tired of fighting against myself when it is so much easier to give in...give in, patch myself up and go on with the day..after seeing sarah ill probably hide in bed ..and not do anything ..hopefully ill sleep...because sleep is safe..nothing can happen if im sleeping ... my mind pin points where my razor is and i want it..i want the escape..its like just one time..thats it.. ill stop again..it will be ok.but one time is never enough..i know that..more and more and more and im running out of places to cut..i dont like burning myself as much ..but all of the thoughts are there and jumbled up and confusing..why do i want what i know is not ok...i know i am thinking about it all wrong ..trying to convince myself i dont want it when i know i do..when i know it will turn my brain off for just a little while . i just want a break at this point..a break from myself ..

and to make it even better...there are so many eating issues going on..right now my stomach is a little not happy but i am feeling really on edge and that may be causing it...ive taken my medicine..but all of the talks about eating and drinking and being healthy last week have been maybe a bit to much to deal with all at once ..i feel like that is everything and im getting to focused on it..if i get to focused it will get out of hand..stop eating or start over eating .. and not caring ... the way things are going though my eating is decreasing..and the problem with that is i am afraid that my not wanting to eat will turn back into throwing up..ok there i said it..to much focus sends me into a tail spin of disordered eating..and i know this ..but i cant explain it to anyone ..because i am ashamed that i still fall back on these things ..that they are still there and refuse to go away .. im fighting all of it right now...trying to remember that it doesnt have to be like this..but there is a big part that reminds me that it does have to be like this..that there is no way out..there is no stopping .. there is being quiet and hiding and letting everyone see just how wonderfully im managing...how im going to my appointments, eating better, going to the rec center..so that all the other stuff will never be noticed..longer sleeves, eating ice, not really talking about anything at all..just appearing fine for everyone to see..and then i dont have to worry about anyone noticing anything at all..that is what i am good at...pretending ...

im not going to make it without cutting...but no one else needs to know that.