every since i saw britney i am struggling a little bit with maintaining control over my thoughts of mommy ... and it comes and goes and it is hitting hard this evening..and i dont know what got it started off again...but i cant seem to get the thoughts to stop and it is dragging me into a not so great place ...
mommy has a great face that she shows the world and that has always been a sore issue with me..because i have seen her when she does not have her public face on..i have been on the receieving end of her hitting and yelling and all sorts of stuff...i have listened to her rant and rave for hours and prayed to just be hit or whatever so she would stop..ive listened to the threats and comments about how i will be taught a lesson..god forbid i got in trouble while we werent actually at home because then the whole trip is ruined while i try and fail to disappear..try to be good and hope she forgets she is mad... but i am told over and over how caring and helpful mommy is..how i am so lucky to have a mom like her..im told i should be grateful..im told that my childhood was awesome because i did so much stuff..went places..traveled ..did stuff.. and it hurts and i feel like im such a liar.that i just didnt really see anything...i made it all up..how can what i saw be so different from what others saw? how can no one see what i see ?? i dont understand it :( these worries have kept me silent a long long time...who would believe me ? why would anyone believe me? how come i cant be more grateful and not so selfish? how come i cant just let it go ? maybe that is the million dollar question..why cant i let it go?
i cant let it go because it hurts me...my past hurts me in so many ways and i struggle still to understand all of them..i struggle to remember..i struggle to forget..i struggle to put things in order..i struggle to stay alive..i struggle to breathe and live each day because of the past..because i cant let it go..because it still haunts me .. because it sneaks into my dreams, my thoughts..it takes over how i feel and makes it impossible to remain present and remain adult..it makes it impossible to grow and manage safely because of the fear and pain and hurt that i cant release..because tthere are so many questions and i do not have any answers..there is no why..there is no why did she pick me ? why was i signled out so much..why was i the one that was always with her, i tried to hide, to be quiet, to not be seen..and still she saw me...she found me..she called me..and i couldnt say no..i followed her blindly and pushed the panic and fear down..until it was nothing.until i stopped feeling...
i talked about some of the things mommy have said to me..how she told me she makes me angry on purpose so that i will do what she wants..or how im to selfish to ever have anyone love me...how im selfish and dont care about anyone but myself ..when she asks me why cant i be more like nia or my college roommates..why cant i be more talkative.. she told me that something was wrong with me and that i needed to be in the hospital.... that i am a liar and a thief ..and that she wanted to kill me..that she could kill me. the list is so very long of all the things mommy has said to me..if she wanted to break me she did..ive been broken for my entire life. i asked britney if a parent is supposed to tell their kid that they want to kill them...i left out the part about her holding the knife ... but i saw it...i still see it..she is behind me ..right behind me ..and i remember that i wished and hoped and prayed for her to just put me out of my misery..and she didnt .. she just didnt ... there is the stuff that goes back further than that incident..making me eat out of the toilet, beating me awfully when it was assumed i pushed henry down the steps, washing me and dressing me as a preteen..forcing me to do things ..not protecting me.. excluding me and telling me so..because i was only needed for cooking and cleaning.. because as an adult i panicked so bad i was sick when henry and i broke something that i was in tears and trying to figure out what to do..he took the blame and wasnt looked at twice... because i get paranoid that she is following me ..and will randomly show up to see what im doing .. that she takes my money...she used to just take now..now she is nice enough to ask me for it..she can tell me what my checks will be before i even see them... because she can still guilt me into almost anything..
because im still willing to die if that is what it takes for her to love me... everything about that is saddening...and the thing is..i know i mean it with all my heart...i will die if that is what it takes .. or my behaviors will kill me .... how is that for some ultimately depressing shit on a saturday night..
im tired of writing.....
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