well..it was saturday..and then it was sunday..and now it is monday and im still looking at this page wondering what in the world it is that i am trying to say...
i went this morning and got my shot..and ran a couple errands..and now im home and laying down because my arm is going numb...stupid shot..and being to feel a bit crummy..so laying down it is ... i have therapy and see the bh people on wed and that is all of my appointments for this week..i am going to get my hair done on thursday and so i guess ill be spending tomorrow taking out the current style and washing my hair and all that good stuff...
im trying to remain positive on the whole money aspect of things..like i paid the bills, paid my own bills, got all my meds, we have food, gave my brother a little and ordered something for mommy and i got a tank of gas, and the cats are settled ... and im down to dust in my bank account and it is a little disappointing to see that i have no money left for anything fun. .. but things are paid you know..im trying hard to accept that this time around money had to be spent on stuff we needed..but sometimes it is just frustrating to watch all of the money just slip away with not much to show for it...blah..its ok..it will be ok if i could quit worrying about it..i have enough left over for therapy on wed ..and then its kinda ...uh ill be hanging out at home for the rest of my life lol...
this weekend was really really rough ... mood wise i couldnt seem to stay stable..up and down..ok and not okay..tearful and angry...everything...nothing...i felt so unimportant and like i wasnt needed or wanted..i didnt feel good...sarah wasnt feeling good and ended up going to the hospital twice .. and i was feeling i guess exposed with the whole budget thing being shared around with her family..and worries about a lot of different things..and i was upset with myself for being upset about it...i want to be supportive and caring and i ended up upset...ugh..im such an awful uncaring person..it shouldnt matter that plans had to be cancelled but for some reason this weekend not being able to do the fun dinner just made me upset...i know its not the end of the world .. and yes of course i would rather she go to the hospital and get checked out to make sure she is ok...i dont like her not feeling well and i feel so helpless because i cant do anything to fix it... -sigh- oh and yep still hate cleaning up vomit...i think its safe to say that it doesnt matter if its my own or not..vomit just well sucks..and its so gross .. and stomachs are just gross with what they can uh eject...but anyway it was just a rough weekend and im glad it is over with and im just going to try to focus on today and the fact that i want to take a nap
im highly frustrated with the inconsiderate upstairs neighbors...i dont like that there bedroom is right over mine and that i can hear EVERYTHING ... it is embarrassing and i swear it sounds like they are doing there best to destroy their furniture..i want ear pplugs but im afraid that blocking out all sound will scare me..and ill end up not using them..so i try to play something loud on my computer when i start hearing them to try and block them out ...
healthwise i have been feeling crummy...ive been taking my meds but ive once again stopped checking my sugar and have been eating a lot of junk ...well more junk...im still not really drinking sugary stuff...(and i made an appointment to see nutrition today while i was at the clinic) ..but like eating a lot of bread and stuff..you know..the stuff that im being told i cant have..so i go overboard with it...i weighed myself while i was at the clinic today too and while i havent gained weight..i havent really lost any either ... im glad im not gaining but frustrated at myself for not having lost anything...i need to try harder..i want to try harder but well i want cake too..ugh i have totally moved out of wanting to punish myself .. .now its just a matter of caring enough to go back to trying .. i have the stuff..but i make not the best choices ... and im still skipping breakfast more often than not...im gonna restart the food journal ... and all of that... that will help..im going back to see the nutritionist..that will help too .. so yeah..i am aware but making better choices is a struggle...i realize my mental health truly effects my physical health ... and i very easily slip into not caring and not trying .. and just saying screw it to all of this... but it makes me so so angry to think that my physical health could kill me at some point ..if i dont get a handle on it..i know that there can be a lot of complications with diabetes ... and it like a personal let down to know that a complication could be the cause of my death..vs say me killing myself for some reason...how is that for logical ?!?!?!? so my numbers still need to come down more...right now ive gotten them down to the lower 200s...but again it needs to be below 150..so i still have some work to do..i know the meds cant do everything ..and that the main effort has got to come from me... but i am just struggling with it...
i did go and get my glasses ordered and i am waiting anxiously for them to come in...
2 visits in with the new therapist .... jury is still out on how i feel about her...but i have an appointment scheduled for wed morning all the same...
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