im not asking that as a challenge ... good heavens im not..but right now i am ust wondering is it possible to feel any worse? emotionally, and physically i am just drained..i am tired but again it is not a tired that sleep will help.. it is a tiredness that just seeps into my bones..a tiredness that pours out of me and finds nothing. no real peace. no real answers. i am left thinking and my thoughts are running on top of each other and i just wish i had someone to talk to about it all..a sounding board in a way, just to bounce ideas off of because my brain is on overload..
i think i have been clinging so very hard to this waiting list thing for therapy..and the longer the weight the more hopeless i feel..when i first lost anita i knew it would be rough, i knew i would go backwards...i knew things would probably fall apart..but i think maybe i was also holding on to the hope that things would magically be ok. i held it together..i think i held it together for little bits of time but as the days have worn on..my resistance has crumbled and i am left feeling lost and hopeless and like i have so very much wrong with me..and that there is no help...nothing helps..i dont want to keep changing therapists or doctors..i wanted things to stay the same and they didnt ..and now i have to find new options and that is terrifying for me... sarah kinda brought up the therapy thing today and it truly was something i hadnt thought of in a few weeks. i was just managing..but not managing..hanging on by a very very thin rope and just shutting down to survive..i have isolated and pushed myself into this tiny tiny area and i dont know how to get back out of it now...i am afraid. i am scared. i am safe ? in my tiny box i am safe from the world. i barely interact with anyone..i cant go to the store without freaking out..im constantly looking out the windows, im avoiding the phone..im not talking..im barely exisiting .. and i dont want this to be how i live...i dont want my life to end this way...and i ask myself the same question that i asked sarah less than 3 weeks ago...
am i willing to fight ? shit at this point im ready to go check myself into a hospital just to get evened out and back on stable ground..but that is not an option for me and so i guess i need to come up with a different course of action. i am drawing a blank..i dont want to face want fighting will entail .
do i want to die ? i am fading away. every day i just fade a little bit more. i am getting so lost that im afraid no one will be able to find me. that no one will even realize what has happened and i am just not there anymore.
there is so much anger, so much hurt, the behaviors hide the real issues and anita is the closet i have ever come to getting the dots connected..but there were still walls that we ran into..shut downs, refusals to go any further.. after these past few days ..well i think its been a week? maybe 2? i realize i cant handle the anger. i dont know what to do with it. it scares me. and i dont have a safe way to deal with or combat the anger. i have to deal with the anger, the hurt, the guilt and shame and fear and all of it..maybe looking for an outside therapist may be a good idea. i may need to see a trauma therapist.
but all of that leaves me wondering about money, about affording weekly therapy out of pocket. i have to save to go to therapy. and so i keep pushing the dates out. no i cant do it this month, maybe next month..but oh i have things planned next month too..maybe the month after that..i may not last the wait for free help...so again i am left sitting with my back against the wall. i am left wondering what is the point in any of this because it is all to hard. it is all so much. it becomes overwhelming.
and so i guess in a some huge roundabout way..the question becomes what do i need? what is going to help ?
since anita leaving..i have no routine..actually since leaving my other job i have no routine...i need routine..i need a schedule. i need an outlet, i need a safe place , i need a bigger support system .. i need to be heard..safely...
but what are the next steps ? i see courtney well today since it is after midnight..i will talk to her about the meds...maybe some of the heaviness will left once i am back on something. maybe i will start to care a little bit more. i need to talk to her about the wait list and see if i need to be looking at other options for therapy anyway. not having anyone is not healthy for me..im not in a place yet to be able to support myself through all of this..so outside help has to continue ..
all thinking all of this causes the depression to flare so very strongly...i feel so sad...so empty...soo just useless..and i remember how my very first therapist told me that i had to many issues, that one semester of therapy was not going to help and i would need to be referred out for long term therapy. I was 18 at the time i was told that, a freshman in college. I am currently 33 and I feel like i am still being referred out because i am to much to deal with, because i cant be helped.
i am just broken
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