vomit on things

as i realize that my mood is going downhill ..i am forced into writing.  i am forcing myself to write as i have had a lot of things on my mind the past few days but no real time to write...

so the big big issue with going home is the sadness that closes in over me and refuses to let go..just going home, being in the general area of home, knowing i am home creates a vacuum effect and i am sad, tired, hurt, scared, anxious, worried, paranoid.  add in mommy and all of the feelings intensify, there is so much want, there is a huge desire to be noticed to have her attention, to just be wanted. I feel like i am ignored, judged, hurt every single time i am around her.  I feel her watching me, looking at me, but that is not the attention i want.  the attention mommy gives me puts me on edge.  i try so hard to tell her good things ive done, to talk to her about things and i am brushed aside unless it fits into something she wants. a conversation full of fake smiles and laughter.  i watch her without looking at her.  i heard what she said, i heard the tone of voice, and i heard her immediately add on what i should be able to do in the future. the hint at what i should be doing now and i get quiet.  i am hurt and i can not even being to explain just how huge it is, how ignored i feel, how angry.  every single time that anticipation is there..the want, the excitement mixed in with heart stopping fear and i am continuously disappointed ...my hope dies every time and still foolishly i keep wishing and hoping that something will change.  that she will see me..that she will want me..and i realize that i am still nothing, not good enough, not anything...i have failed so many times that i dont believe she will ever see anything worth wanting in me...but i keep trying..and i want to kill the part of me that keeps trying..i set myself up to fail.. and then i feel worthless and stupid for trying...because i know that i was just at home and now i am anxiously awaiting the next phone call that will remind me of everything that is wrong with me...i messed up with wayne ..i already got yelled at about that...i messed up with my hair..what has she left out ?  my weight?  what i wore?  my job?  my life? my existence? my everything is called into question, to be put under the microscope and to be judged..i am condemned before i ever had a chance..and i stupidly walk into it...over and over and over..worthless rat that i am.. when will i learn..i need to be reminded.  i have forgotten my place..i need to be punished..that is the thought that is running rampant..