shame

yesterday was a very very rough day.  i just felt bad ...and angry and quiet..things that are becoming the norm it seems. 

i did go to my appt to see courtney and it took a lot of effort not to start crying..sarah went to and that was helpful because i wasnt so forthcoming with information.  in a nutshell we have agreed to put me back on effexor to see if that helps.  i got frustrated trying to get it filled yesterday so i am trying again today.  i have to print out the coupon to get it. my medication prices are increasing again.. i may just get them all moved over to Lafayette and go to one place.. but that will happen next month most likely.   im also going to see courtney weekly for a little while.  the wait list is still long and has no openings.  ive decided to wait it out for another month and see if i get placed with someone..and if not then i will research an outside therapist ...i realized yesterday that i am hanging on to the clinic because i am comfortable there..because everything is all in one place..because they know me there...but i am not doing well and well safety is still an issue.   i also saw ro yesterday.  as expected my a1c is up to 11 which is not a surprise.  i am super disappointed in myself about it. but ill just add it to the list of things i am super disappointed in myself about.  it just makes me so frustrated because my eating is not that bad ... ugh..so a new med is goin to be added since i refused insulin again yesterday.  yesterday was not a day to ask me about insulin..but new med will be getting started next week.  maybe it will help..i need to find my meter again though and actually use it..oh i got the sleep meds filled yesterday though and actually slept most of the night!  this is progress.


i came home and crashed ... and ate cake.. i spent some time talking to sarah yesterday evening..it still takes me forever to for thoughts and actually talk...i spent some time last night talking on facebook and it was helpful.  i felt a little bit clearer after talking.  my head is still a bit ok right now..which is why im writing some before getting up.  i see the behavioral health lady today and i have a few errands to run..suddenly i want to cook and well that will involve a trip to a far away store ..ok i have to go across town..but maybe actually eating a real meal will be good..not a sandwich or chicken tenders. but actual food.  and maybe shower and do normal things..

something that i was reminded of last night in my chats ..is that i am doing more than i give myself credit for... i feel so ashamed of myself because i spend all day in bed..because im not functioning..because im not doing anything and i feel like i should be doing more..but in my chats last night we talked about that i am going to my doc appointments..im eating, im getting out of bed...all of that counts as doing stuff..more so right now because it all feels so very hard and it is a major struggle to get things done... so maybe im not as useless as i am feeling.

but i guess it is time to get up and figure out my day.