today.

things have gone a bit differently than planned today.  i woke up trying to prepare for a really hard day and ended up having the gyno appointment canceled by my doc...i guess writing has its benefits i printed out what i wrote over the weekend and gave it to her this morning when i went to see the nutritionist ... doc talked to me after my appointment and said she would cancel the appointment..that it didnt have to be today... my goal actually hadnt even been to get the appointment canceled...i just wanted her to know what was going on and try to explain why i was so afraid of it and stuff .. but she read it and thanked me for sharing and im of course trying to disappear into anything at all because now she knows more than she should ...so no gyno appointment today...i have to of course keep her in the loop about what is going on..and everything.

i saw the nutritionist again today and i actually enjoyed talking to her today..it sucks that they are only there 2 weeks at a time because that means i will constantly be seeing new people..but i would like to see that person i saw today again... it was actually helpful...i think some of my fears concerning eating are coming out..and im having days where i am struggling to eat at all...she talked to me about eating on a more consistent basis and not skipping meals ..because im down to two meals a day and that is pushing it some days...i am having a lot of thoughts about punishment and not allowing myself to eat..i am much more focused on food and stuff...today was the first day in months that i have not had any real sugary drinks...i did eat fast food though because i didnt eat breakfast and went to two appointments and so by 12 i was starving and out..and fast food it was....i had to kinda force myself to eat dinner...and writing this i know that my methods of harm are changing again..food is becoming what i am using to have control is some ways i guess..and not cutting... i dont know..it gets a little bit confusing ...

as for therapy ...i am still looking..i emailed my first choice and she is not taking new clients...i got a call about the vcu place that i had to do like an application for and im going to call them back tomorrow and talk to them...i have another person that i may email and ask if she is accepting new clients.. im really disappointed that my first pick isnt able to work out..but its back to the drawing board a bit... i havent heard anything from the clinic so i am guessing that it was a no on finding me someone on friday..so im looking still... i see the bh people on wed and they are helpful..getting to talk ..i wish i had more time with them...i am dying to talk ... really i am ...