therapy?

i keep thinking im managing, only to be told that i am not. i have shut down. that is what i have done. barely any information moving in or out. sarah wants to pay for me to see a therapist. something that i know is not in the budget but i hate seeing her so worried and i dont know how to make it better for her. im trying but everything is so hard. talking, living, moving, being, all of it is just so hard right now. im on the waiting list but who knows how long that can take or will take. its been almost 3 months now maybe. i cant seem to process anything. i go back and forth between saying im fine and barely being able to function..there are so many other things that we want to save for and stuff..but as sarah pointed out..im not doing much in the way of anything right now because im not stable anymore. truly do not know what the next step should be. wait out the wait list and still struggle with shut down mode..get back on some sort of meds and hope for the best..do nothing and hope to stay alive..find a new therapist and pay out of pocket with money i dont have? i dont know