it was my secret

it was my secret..mine..i was supposed to keep it..and never say anything about it..i was supposed to keep it safe and protect it and now someone else knows and i am so ashamed and embarrassed and feel like crying.. i shouldnt have said anything .. i really shouldnt have and it would have stayed a secret..

secrets can kill you..do you know that??  secrets can eat away at your insides until there is nothing lefts and then you just die and no one will care. you will be dead and no one will even know why.

go away, leave me alone

you didnt answer the question.  i didnt answer the question.  but that is answering the question.  saying nothing. refusing to answer. is like saying yes anyway. but i cant say yes.  that is bad. that is wrong.  that is dangerous.  people die from eating disorders.  people are sick and end up in the hospital from those.  its not about food.  its about control and power and thinking and feeling.

be quiet

how many times have you refused to eat ? how many times do you eat until you are sick?  how many years have gone by of carefully doing everything you can to get out of eating or to hide what you are eating or to pretend that you arent eating?  how many times have you planned it, what to eat, how to throw up just to dull out some feeling.  how many ways can you convince yourself that you are not destorying yourself one way or another.  do you hide from eating in front of other people?  do you feel like you are being watched and judged from eating?  would you not eat if it meant being liked more?  how far are you willing to go to be like everyone else?? how far do you honestly tell yourself you would go to be like everyone else?  the pills, the cutting, the hate, the shame, the guilt...why?  why are you willing to die to be what everyone else needs you to be ? the games, the i can do it better than you. i can destroy myself and i know how. i know how to do it and let it go unnoticed..ive thought about it..planned it..wanted it so so so very badly..to just go away..to just be invisible..to be silent but loved.  to be perfect in every way.  but i kept failing. i kept getting hurt. i kept believing i didnt want it enough. i wasnt trying enough. why couldnt i just be like everyone else.  im not pretty enough. im not happy enough. im not loved enough. so you keep your secrets locked up tight where no one can see how awful you are. how bad you are.  no one cas see how evil and horrible and unlucky you are.  but i can see..i can always see and no matter how many times i cut or starve or throw up or hurt myself or deny myself or hate myself..it doesnt go away.  it stays..it hides.  it pretends. it makes me believe i can be this person that doesnt exist. and i keep believing and i keep failing and i keep punishing because there is no other way.   take away all of this and im not sure i will exist anymore..maybe i never existed. there is nothing to me. just broken pieces of someone who died a long time ago and there is nothing left..whispering shadows of a very sad child, yells and screams of a very angry teenager, endless thoughts and whispers about life and living and things that are unattainable ..

you find a place where no hope exists and that is where you will find me.  lost.  stuck. afraid.

i hate you
and now you have gone and screwed up
watch what happens
just watch
you are to much to handle
you cant be helped

you will be thrown away

might as well do it yourself you know.

see what happens ..

i dont want to write. .

my thoguths are all over the place..my nerves are all over the place..im feeling quiet and sad and worried and to many things to even list. .. therapy left me a mess last week and im still not sure why..today im remembering that t said she is looking for another job ... just kill me know on that one..i regret talking to her if she is leaving :( i dont want to talk to her if she is leaving :(  

im laying down willing my stomach to hurt..willing anything to hurt ..so i dont have to go to work tomorrow..i think ive been gone so long that coming back is going to be hard...and nerve wrecking..and did i mention hard..but its a job..i have to remember that..it is only a job...it is not going to make or break me..i truly just want to make it through the end of the year and then we will see... but my motivation to succeed is back it seems...i have a lot of work ahead of me though...a lot of catching up to do..but my goal is still to keep my stress levels down...i have to...

mommy, nia, rob, and noa and back from vacation...i was worried about them and missed them...not that im telling them that..i told mommy i was concerned about her well being with being gone so long ...yeah..smooth move lol..im so silly at times...the same way i got really excited to see my doc the other day and then had to calm myself down and remind myself i dont like her...but i do like her..im just afraid to like her..ugh..the same way i like courtney and jane and anita but i cant tell them that... blah

we are going out to a movie and dinner today...i should get up but im still laying here because now im tired and want to take a nap..and playing sims...definitely playing sims ...

update sorta

ive been sick..since i guess that is the biggest news...sick and tired and achy and barfy and just kinda all around worn the heck out...maybe that is it..all the stress and worries and everything going on just made me sick..and i need to calm my nerves before i end up sick forever or something...i gotta de-stress a bit better...i know stress does contribute to my stomach issues..not eating right contributes to them also...so im working on both of those...i mean this week has been pretty low key with no work outside of the house...i have been helping sarah during the day but its not like im doing a lot...so i spend a lot of time laying down..napping..playing on the computer...i maybe should write a little bit more as there is still loads on my mind about various different things..various worries and concerns and fears..

therapy yesterday left me feeling sad..broken..anxious..i wish i had a better grasp on what we talked about that caused the shift but im not 100% sure..maybe all of it made me sad i dont know..

sick

today i am sick..like trying not to move or i feel like barfing sick..my stomach is not happy and it has been a lot of running back and forth..my body is tired.. i am tired ... and i hate feeling this badly

sigh

i cant seem to escape the triggers this week..i cant seem to escape my head..my impulsive habits are increasing and im not sure i even have the energy to care..as long as i am not dead right ??  that is the only thing that is truly cared about..i get up and go to work.do what i need..come home ..do what i need..and go to bed..every day..if i didnt show up would the world end ?? my head hurts..my chest hurts..my arms carry my screams of pain..but no one sees..its starting to get cooler again..i want to cool weather..it was mistake to find and have my razors..im sick daily now..with no end in sight..i guess i got what i wanted...i have been reminded that i am hated and worthless..and nothing will ever be different.  ill go to bed soon i guess.  i have a headache

frustration

i dont feel like im being listened to or taking seriously and it is frustrating and just very frustrating and i dont like feeling like i am not being taken seriously..i really really dont...so i go back to hiding in silence..i dont feel like there is a need to say anything when i am not being heard..so i go back to before..and exist without existing..move without moving..live without noticing..i see no point in anything else.   do enough and let the other shit go i guess..right ?!

...

just struggling this morning..a lot..i dont think i slept well last night .. i dont know what to do or what i want to do or any of that..i want to ignore my head and my thinking ..and i cant even do that ..

today...brain drain

right now mt entire body hurts :(  im trying to lay still but anything and everything is setting it off...i know i am feeling tense which isnt helping things but i also know that getting sick yesterday has caused a lot of soreness and i feel like my body wants to just fall apart...

so im in pain right now and just want to sleep but instead i am up thinking. i had a very interesting session with anita today..and my mind is once again going all over the place...

we did talk about the meet up thing and how that went and she said she was proud of me ... we did the usual updates and things and then we talked about eating and making friends sorta and things ...and i am left thinking way to much about things...i took an anxiety med just to get myself to calm down and not panic... so yeah ...

what i remember most ..and im paraphrasing here..so..

the child who made all those coping skills is not the adult you are now. the adult now just cant let go of the childs coping skills..

talk about a brain stopper!  i truly think that my brain stopped working for a bit after hearing that one..its such a loaded statement..and true in ways too...the stuff that worked for me as a kid and as a young adult..no longer work the same now...i keep trying ..i keep going back to them..and every time i am disappointed that i can not reach that same empty feeling where nothing matters..but letting them go fully terrifies me..i dont know who i am without them..i dont know how to cope ... ok so maybe that last bit isnt completely true..i can cope ... i just fall immediately into the negative coping skills..and end up no better than when i started... my mind keeps throwing this around ..i want to analyze it..i want to break it apart and see what becomes of it..  maybe i just need to acknowledge that i am truly an adult and not a kid anymore...i wrote a little about it on facebook and one of the responses said "its safer being an adult"  and i kept rereading it becuase my first thought was no its not...its safer being a kid...kids are protected..they are taken care of..they are loved...obviously my own little magical world supplied the answers to that statement because if im being logical i know that is not always the case ..and that makes me really really sad... i wasnt protected back then and i dont know how to protect myself now...i neeed someone else to do it...i want someone else to do it..and it goes back to truly wanting a mother...and that need not being filled..and i just feel sad..

with the eating though things are a little bit different...and today while we were talking i was trying to think about it all..and i was thinking long term stuff..past stuff..not current stuff..and i know having to give up gluten was the trigger..and it has just grown from there..and i had forgotten about that..because when i did that i was scared..and unsure of things..but messing with my eating is something i am familiar with..so taking stuff out was ok...but then it changed to being a punishment and even then i didnt realize that i was beginning to fall back into an old pattern of messing with my food...but it became im eating purely to get sick..im eating to stop thinking..im eating because im mad..its never about whether or not i actually want the food or if i even like the food or well enjoy it..its like eat as quickly as possible..overeat...feel sick..get sick..and then do it all over again..because if i am sick from eating and it is just my stomach not agreeing with something then its not really me doing it on purpose.  maybe that is what it would look like to someone looking in..but i know that it is on purpose..it is to punish..to cause pain...to hurt..to zone out..to not think or feel..but right now i am acutely aware of my body and i hate it..the old thoughts and feelings of hating myself are hanging around..all centered around food..why do i have to eat..why cant i lose weight..why cant i be better..look better..be wanted...why why why..and i am reminded of just how deep the hate still goes...back when i was younger mommy wouldnt let me eat..so i ate when she wasnt around an then threw up so that she wouldnt yell at me..so i wouldnt be in trouble.. sometimes the thoughts centered around losing weight..i was positive i wasnt doing any harm because i caould stop and start it at will..i didnt do it all the time so it wasnt dangerous..this was my thinking it middle school..i guess i peg that as the time it kinda started..it may have been the tail end of elementary school ..i dont know..but being aware of my self was nothing that i liked..i was bullied i guess in school for a few reasons..i read alot..i had an accent..i was overweight..i didnt make friends easy..i dont think i really made friends at all..but i was always trying to fit in..and i couldnt ..i think ive been taking out my anger on myself for a really long time actually..and right now that makes me sad too...so i got older..the binging and purging continued..off and on...i researched..i learned what was easy to throw up and what wasnt...i learned stupid facts .. that eating but not throwing up within an hour meant you had failed..and throwing up wouldnt even matter...ice was a food group..junk food was fine as long as you drank a ton of water or something...so on an so forth..it amazes me that i can still remember all these rules and these things that i had to do..not so that i would like myself ..but so that i would be like everyone else...i was compared to other people so much that i just hate who i am..i hate everything about me and wish to be anyone else..because then ill be liked..and loved..it was really bad in college..the binging and purging..well everything was kinda bad in college..but i was throwing up a lot..i was alone a lot...i didnt make friends in college..well except for yvonne and i truly dont know how we became friends..or how she has managed to stick around ..but she has..i was a master hider while i was in college..and after i left college to.. i said nothing..i did nothing to draw attention to myself..i was perfecting the art of being invisible..i lived alone off and on..and when alone my behaviors would get out of control and then calm down..a continuous cycle that never really ended..it was one or the other..cutting or purging..occasionally burning.. all things that hurt me in some way..all things that could be hidden...i had to know what i could handle..how far i could go...i would get as low as i could get and then refuse the hospital because of fear..because i didnt want anyone to know i wasnt okay.. i had to be okay.. i had to manage and deal with it and never say anything...i was terrified of being in therapy because i felt like i was to much to handle...that i would talk about all this stuff and end up having a nervous breakdown...i was told more than once by therapist that i was to much to handle or that i only focused on the negative stuff..and i believed them just as i believed mommy...there was something wrong with me that no one could fix..not therapy..not medication..certainly not the hospital..and all this time i was in and out of therapy..but i wouldnt truly admit to anything..i wanted up but refused to accept it..and fought against it..i made myself believe i was fine but i guess i knew that wasnt completely true either..because wanting to die and being suicidal and thinking of plans and overdosing on pills and getting ahold of different medicines  and taking them..i did want to die..i wasnt supposed to make it past 18..and then i wasnt supposed to make it past 21...every few years a new plan developed that i did not go threw with..and every year i wonder why im still alive...ive done everything i can to destroy myself...why am i still here? it was never about attention...like it wasnt attention seeking behaviors because i guarded my secrets with my life...i guarded my self destruction with my life..i wouldnt say anything .. i was positive no therapist would be able to make me crack..i made the therapist do all the work and i sat quietly and wouldnt look at them...i was an awful client to put it nicely..how can it be a cry for help when no one knows your crying ? or that you need help? no i was always fine. that was the only option really.

when did things change ?? when did i notice them changing?  when did i start listening and paying attention?  it was a gradual shift i guess...a very very slow gradual shift.. maybe it solidified into something solid when i met sarah..hmm i dont remember when i actually started with anita but i know i went to see her determined to not like her..and here i am a few years later actually talking about things with her..there are still a lot of struggles but no i am not where i was before..and that is surprising...i still have thoughts about things and still struggle to maintain control of myself and curb the negative behaviors..but im not a walking death wish anymore.. i made it through a hell of a lot of craptastic stuff both in the past and in the past 2 or 3 years..and some how im still here...i owe everyone a crap load of money but im still here...interesting isnt it...

ok i think thats enough for today.

struggling to accepts some things ...

i think therapy on monday has left me feeling vulnerable..scared...there are a lot of thoughts in my head and im not sure i have the answers for them at all...

this has been a tough week with work and im frustrated and just worn out..

i think im worrying a lot ... im not eating right and have been getting sick daily...and things are feeling out of control..and i dont know how to bring things back into my control ..

today sucks

everything has turned into sucking mode...i dont know if its my mood just being weird or if today just truly sucked.i dont feel good..my stomach hurts...im stressing about giving mommy money and getting my car fixed and saving for vacation..im worried and frustrated about my notes being late..im back to handwriting them and its taking me forever..im trying my hardest to catch up and do them and it seems i just keep falling behind..im overwhelmed to the point of tears and i forgot my meds thins morning..ok it wasnt i forget it was more like ill be ok without the meds..and my head is pounding and life sucks and yes i just want to cry...and no i dont need to not take the meds ... -sigh-  im off to hate everything

feeling gross

-sigh-  my eating is not so much over eating as just eating the wrong stuff....sandwiches are my big thing right now..and i swear i eat them daily...and im beginning to feel like heavy..like i dont know its weird...im just so tired lately...ok playing the sims until midnight did not help anything at all...but i am feeling like i am running low on energy this week...and highly distracted. ugh

the anxiety is way up..im picking my fingers apart...something is up but i dont know what it is... 

weekend

this has been a pretty good weekend ... relaxing ... ive been having some mood issues and have been feeling really angry and frustrated with things...i dont know why .. it was pretty bad on friday..but its eased up a little bit since then..but i got a lot of sleep.. like serious almost 5 hour nap today! which is why im still up right now lol..but i did laundry today and sarah and i went out for lunch and it was so good..i love going to chilis ! and i even got desert! my stomach is a little upset right now but i wouldnt trade today for anything..it was a nice day.  yesterday i went to the grocery store and im really not sure what i bought lol..i got waffles...a lot of waffles !   right now i just want sandwiches and well waffles ... i think my anxiety is up and thats when i end up eating the same things over and over...maybe ... im not eating completely gluten free right now...im trying to decide what i want to do with my eating..like i felt better not having gluten..i truly did ..but trying to stop this time around is so much harder...but i think if i can manage not to go overboard..i can manage..maybe not but ill have to see...im gonna be working on not getting fast food this week..and if i do good then we can go out for dinner ot something over the weekend.  i may need to leave my money at home !!! but i pack my lunch and things so i should be ok..just gonna have to remember to make myself eat in the morning before going to work...that is my downfall..and taking all the meds on an empty stomach makes me sick so i end up stopping and picking something up..but i know i am relying way to much on fast food ..

but i am having an issue with my side again...its a pain that comes and goes..sometimes its really bad and it hurts to move even a little bit..and sometimes its like a little twinge that im aware of but can work around ...every time it happens i get scared that its like my appendix or something..but all i get is the random pain..no fever, or vomiting or anything else..the area isnt swollen and if i press on my side it doesnt really hurt...im going to call my doc this week and talk to her about it. because im really not sure what to do..should i be more concerned?   i thought it was from like sleeping wrong or something ..because it is always my right side...sometimes lower and closer to my hip hurts and yesterday it was a bit higher and was radiating around my back and stomach when i moved...im a little concerned..but again i may not be as concerned as i need to be..ive explained away some serious medical stuff as nothing important..and i ended up in the stupid hospital...so ill call my doc and see what she can tell me..i refuse to look up anything on webmd because then ill just convince myself that im dying ..

oh and we are getting a kitten on wednesday...sarah said i can call him gizmo :)  im gonna go shopping for him on tuesday when i get off of work..im excited about the kitten but nervous to because well bounce and kai are possibly not going to enjoy a little ball of fluff...maybe they will..but hopefully they dont kill each other!! bounce is getting older and kai has so much energy..maybe a kitten will be good for him.

im moving the trip back a little bit and its going to be at the end of october now..which is fine..it will be cooler! and ill have more time to put money aside..hotels are not cheap lol..but it will just be less stressful planning and everything when i have more time and money to work with...so the trip will be in oct now..for sure lol..

but tomorrow is monday..back to the work week...tomorrow is anita too. hopefully this week is a bit less stressful than last week!

anxious

i dont know why im feeling so anxious but i am..im picking at everything..im nervous and shakey..i dont know..im very nervous actually ..but im just laying down..why am i nervous? im something..i dont know what..but its making the anxiousness worse..im getting a headache and i want to sleep but of course im very awake right now...ugh

Ugh

Im so frustrated and i dont know why

update...

its been a couple days and i have begun to calm down...sarah should be coming home today...im working on my late notes and well things will be right with the world again..well mostly right with the world because it is still freaking hot and im sure everytime i go outside, i die a little bit !

seeing anita yesterday helped a lot and well she helped me some of the illogicalness of my idea to be put in the hospital...we talked about eating stuff and im not sure how it came up but i know i didnt plan to talk about it at all ..i never want to talk about that part of things because it is embarrassing and gross and i dont know...im trying to be careful with all the 'i said to much and need to be punished thoughts' ..my eating has been awful though..yesterday and monday...ugh

ill be drowning myself in notes today and tomorrow to get everything down.. i dont plan on them holding my paycheck at all ...

but well i guess its just a week then...a lot going on this week...

logic

i reject any and all types of logic right now...my current thinking is..that if i get sick too then i will be sent to sarah...

there is nothing else to say or work out .. i know the logic in that is majorly flawed but my brain wont accept anything else..

throw a tantrum, pout, whine, cry...etc..hate everything, dont want help, hiding and isolating..it is a struggle to remain in a completely adult mind frame when fear and feeling alone is present ...

(wrote that last night and then fell asleep) 


my back is killing me..lower back..i dont know why but it is definitely hurting me today a lot...i was late taking my meds and im trying hard to curb some of my impulsive behaviors...i feel bad so lets go blow what little money i do have...or lets go eat everything and end up sick and in even more pain...dont go get razors just because i am upset and overwhelmed...the usual .. the constant battle to remain safe and calmish and in control...dont lose control ..so i recongized that i wanted to binge and so instead i made myself start cooking dinner instead of going out for fast food ...  some days i truly hate being aware of my own behaviors and knowing i have the tools to combat them..i guess im armed with a baseball bat or something and i have to constantly beat the thoughts back before they take over..im on the edge but i keep going one step back and one step forward...i havent gone over..but its a constant fight to stay where i am...im trying to work through my feelings and i feel like im writing a novel with all this journaling ...but i dont have any better ideas ..and i hate talking on the phone..mommy is being weird and i cant put my finger on why..but it is a strong feeling...she keeps saying she loves me and asks if i love her ..and why i dont talk to her and that she is there for me..stuff like that..stuff she rarely says ..and it is disconcerning...it puts me immediately on the defensive..and i wonder if she looked through my journals i had at home...it wasnt my main ones with the magnitudes of writing and thoughts and feelings..but there was some writing in them..and i just wonder if she read them while packing up my stuff..i didnt have them laying out or anything..but who knows...

sigh

this will be short as i think i will pass out soon.. i made sure that i will sleep tonight...im not going to die but i just want to sleep through the night you know..

ugh my thinking is being pushed into a really negative space and it is getting harder to pull myself away from it .. i just keep thinking about sarah and worrying and i cant see her..and i found out today that they are sending her to a hospital that is almost 3 hours away..that is a weekend trip...they are moving her tonight and so hopefully ill get a call once she is setttled into the new place..i hope she is ok.i wonder how long she will be there..i wonder when ill be able to see her..i miss her..the apartment is super quiet...and im afraid of things..my paranoia has kicked into high gear..and im a little on edge...im going tomorrow to get my meds filled...maybe ill go shopping ... i feel so guilty ...fighting to be ok and stay ok and do things that are fun while sarah is in the hospital...i know she would want me to be ok..but i still want to hide and do nothing and just sleep.i want to shut out the world..ignore everything and just stay home ..and hide ... and try to be safe..but there is more to life isnt there than that?  i know there is but im afraid to do things alone still...im still so afraid of the world ..and i feel like i dont fit in :(  the depression and anxiety and poor social skills causes me to feel like i dont fit in...i didnt go out with my co workers tonight because i am depressed..i didnt want to bring them down or have them concerned about my well being when everyone is trying to have a good time..so i stayed home...i had also taken percocet and i know not to drink or drive after taking those...sooo staying home was the plan ..i just wish i had felt strong enough to go..that i could have gone out and had a nice time..and i didnt ..i mean my coworkers know im having a hard time right now..and that im worried about my roommate..so not being there has been explained..but its just rough..its like i have to learn to be on my own..and im not feeling so confident about it..

but ok..ill go and watch netflix for a bit..maybe cartoons
i am safe..i havent hurt myself by cutting...i am eating to much of the wrong foods and took as extra sleep med tonight...but no cutting..but tomorrow is a new day...tomorrow i will try again ..

i dont know how i feel

right now i think i may be a little bit numb..i keep thinking i should be freaking out..destroying stuff..something..anything..and instead i am sitting here writing instead of reacting...i dont know how to react..i dont know what i want to do or say or think..right now i think all of it may be out of my realm of possibilities..maybe everything that has gone on has wiped out all feelings for forever...

sarah is in the hospital...she will be moved to a different hospital so the not knowing has me worried...struggling to get in contact with her..and being told a nurse would call me back and waiting and waiting had me frustrated to the max..but i finally talked to sarah a little bit ago and she filled me in... so she is safe and getting hellp...that is good.. i am happy she is safe and being cared for..im sad that she is alone..im sad i have to work.. im sad i dont know where she is going ...

im afraid because i am alone..for the first time in a really long time it is just me..and that has me feeling nervous..what am i supposed to do with myself ?  how am i suposed to take care of myself ?  there is always sarah ..its the two of us..against everyone else ..but right now i just feel lost and alone and vunerable..

its hard not being able to explain the severity of the situation..my work people know sarah as my roommate..so my continued worried and stress and things may seem out of place..not that it is there business but they dont know that sarah and i are together and so this for me is very serious..i worry that im being judged or something..i dont know..i worry im talking about it to much..maybe im trying to get support but feel like no one will care because she is just my roommate to them..maybe i am looking to deeply into something that is not really there.. my supervisor has been incredibly caring and supportive ... i know i am struggling...beginning to slip a bit as my thoguhts try to run away from me..i have to maintain control...  i keep thinking that i didnt try hard enough to help..that i didnt care enough..i just didnt do enough..and i was all out of ideas ... and then anitas voice jumps in and tells me its not about me..and i want to scream bloody murder... honestly i think im jealous..because sarah has so many more options than me when it comes to getting help..and i am jealous because things would look a lot different for me if i was in crisis..and i would have hospital bills piling up all around me...silly and stupid thing to be jealous over but i am...im an awful person...im walking that thin line between making things about me and keeping things about her...i want to be supportive and there and instead im worrying that i will need to stave off my own breakdown...i know right now im just overwhelmed and my thinking may be different in the morning..maybe not..but the situation wont chhange..but i cant let my thinking go off into left field..it takes so long to reel it back in...im unsure of myself ..im unsure of being alone...i spend a lot of time around other people these days and so time alone is a luxury..but now i have a little time and i dont want it...i would gladly have sarah back and just know she is here than to have the apartment to myself ...

my head is becoming a jumbled mess..i think laying down is a good idea..

i just want to hide in bed and pull the covers over my head and not be apart of the world for a little while ... thats all

struggling ..in weird ways

im having trouble figuring out what i want to say tonight..im trying to keep myself safe and it is a losing battle..im slipping and im stressed out


skip ahead a few hours ... ok like 3 hours

things ive done to avoid hurting myself

ive talked to sarah twice
ive talked to amanda
i texted D
i took meds for anxiety
i downloaded a new book
i packed my lunch for tomorrow
i od'ed on waffles
i cried
ive overthought everything - worst case scenario type things
ive played with kai
and im about to either watch netflix or work on late notes until i fall asleep.

.......

im disappointed in the hospital ... for not doing better.. for not helping...for sending a suicidal person home for the 2nd time...how do you try to get help and get turned away?  no i dont understand that at all ..

.....

i sat through the most depressing staff meeting ever today.. 2 and a half hours ... of 'when i did it we did it this way and it worked fine' type things..a lot of we are a team bullshit...that if we need help to just come and ask....really ??!!  because as i remember it..i asked all 4 of them for help and all 4 of them said no.. so team work my ass...i truly am just trying to make it through to the new year with this job... im not stressed out completely..but im trying to hang on and do my job...i know ive got to get on top of doing the notes though..but again we are so short staffed..and once again i may end up with 5 people tomorrow..who knows..i dont call out often..and i dont vacation often..i show up for work.. sick and having stomach issues and whatever..unless its super bad...but i freaking show up..i do what is asked of me ..without to much complaint...i try to help out as much as i can..but this job runs you ragged...it is tiring ..giving so much..on a regular basis..i feel like all i do is give and then there is nothing left for me...i dont know... my thoughts are sad tonight ..like im depressed but i cant reach that bleak moment and stay there..its like a fleeting thought that keeps returning.. i want to curse my meds for keeping me from slipping completely over the edge..? how does that make sense??

my head is starting to hurt so im going to go and lay down i think. 

sarah should be coming home sometime tonight from the hospital...

this week

i am just tired

closure

maybe i am the one that needs closure...i need to say goodbye..i need to acknowledge her..something..anything..

i actually asked mommy the other day about where nicole is buried..she said she knew of course..and told me the name of the cemetery and i promptly forgot..today i took the funeral program thing back out and actually read and paid attention to what i was reading...i know where she is buried..i dont know where she is at there but i know the name of the cemetery now.  its evergreens cemetery in new york.. information that i think i have dreaded finding out..and i feel overwhelmed and terrified..what is the next stepp?  do i even want to take the next step? well i have to figure out the next step...  i know i want to go and see her..see if i can find her..but they should have the records there..i will be able to find her...and that scares me senseless

docs and ugh

so i saw all three docs today...i dont know what i was thinking but i did it..

med doc...was fine mostly..she told me that i will be decreasing the anxiety med next month...which caused major anxiety and is not my choice..who the hell wants to deal with anxeity and not have help to calm down without freaking out...but she says ive been on it to long and i have to learn other ways to cope instead of relying on the medicine....ughhhhh

reg doc ..was highly embarrassing ..because i had to tell her that i am having some itching which prompted a exam i didnt want..but the itching sucks..so i let her take a quick look ..she asked me to try some over the counter stuff and see if it helps..and going commando when i go to bed..but i was honest about my current eating habits and why..and she didnt yell at me or anything..i know i need to do better and stop using food as punishment..because my stomach really is rebelling these days and im back to going to the bathroom alot...ive gained some weight ..which is frustrating but with my eating i knew i had..so awareness is there but the drive to make changes comes and goes.. again i ask myself the question of shouldnt i want to be better ?? and i still cant answer it...  (update though -  my a1c is down a whole point!! so i guess exercising a little bit and making some choices with my food has helped)  ..now i just to stop using food to punish myself...stop using it as a weapon..

the thing is...im afraid...not eating gluten..made me feel better..feel lighter some how..i was losing weight..i was exercising..i was paying attention...but then i realized it was working and i got scared..i dont think i identified it as being scared though..and so the first chance i got to sabotage i took it..and ran with it..i needed to punish myself..why am i so afraid..i know all the ins and outs of being eating..counting calories and carbs..exercising and all of it...ive dealt with not eating and overeating and binging and purging..ive done all of it..no i dont truly like myself or how i look..but changing...paying attention to my body is horrifying and so ill make progress and then go backwards...stop...pretend nothing is happening as i go back to destroying myself in unnoticeable ways...i cant handle it..stupid reasoning in my head once again...i dont want attention put on my body...i would rather i didnt even have a stupid body..

then i saw t and we talked about a lot of different things..it is so hard to talk about being adopted because it brings up so many hurt feelings..so many questions..did they look for me? did they want me? is it true that i have two sets of parents that dont want me ? and i wonder if they know about nicoles death..do they know where she is buried? have they been to visit her ?  i think of her and wonder if anyone has been to visit her..is she just by herself thinking no one remembers her..and i just feel guilty...guilty that i dont remember, that i keep trying to grieve for someone i dont know..what feelings are attached to my thoughts of her?  its like i dont know her but i do..ill always know her..and i do feel as if something is missing without her..it is hard..because next is the birthday..and its like why celebrate when she is died..and cant...ive tried all the "she wants you to be happy" thoughts and i just feel even more guilty..guilty for wishing she were here and then wishing she wasnt ..how would life have been different with her here...would things have been better?  would things have been safer? or would we have both been stuck in a life of pain and fear ? maybe she is better off not being here..maybe she is safer that way..but  i am still missing the only real piece of my family..my birth family.. i love my sisters and brothers..my niece and nephews..they are my family also...but its not the same .. sigh..i dont know how to explain...it just hurts thinking about it..it always hurts thinking about it and i feel so worthless ...

vacation

 spent this past weekend at nias and it was good to get away..sarah and curvon came.  we went to the movies, and the giant arcade, we went out to eat and shopping, we went to sweet frog and had family night. it was great.  it was busy. it was loud. but i still wish we could have stayed longer..next time it will be for longer! i think it will be christmas before we are able to visit again .  but we will see..

did i mention we had sweet frog ?!?!?!

i wish

i wish i knew what to do or say to calm the thoughts down..they are dark..full of guilt and blame and shame...anger and hurt..feelings of not being wanted by anyone..remembering that i am not wanted..feeling that i am not wanted...things i am supposed to keep to myself but i go and try to talk about it in therapy and i cant even get all of it out in one go..jumping around as thoughts come no structure..no balance..i regret saying anything at all ... but if not then this will keep happening..every year i will tinker on the edge of self destruction...every year it hits and every year it is awful..not talking about it hasnt worked...talking about it..well even just beginning to and trying to talk about it has left me reeling and unsteady..adoption, death, family, twins...so much in just a few subjects..topics that i avoid so very much..and now i bring them up and have to deal with the fallout from it...i dont like this...im going to try to go to sleep now..again...

not doing good tonight

my head is spinning...im feeling to much and trying to fight against all of it..my head hurts..and it feels like i am trying to turn off my brain but its not working.its going to short circuit itsself out..why couldnt i just keep quiet and not say anything ..but i brought up adoption and my sister today..and i knew it is upsetting but i didnt realize just how much..like i feel worse after therapy than i did before it..too many thoughts going in my head and i cant put them into words..i messaged sarah beefore heading home because my thoughts were all over the place and i couldnt focus..i was going to sit in the parking lot forever and think..sarah got me home..and i laid down and fell asleep. i didnt mean to go to sleep..im writing now to try to ease some of the anxiety and pressure in my head..i cant seem to process everything from therapy today..i barely remember it..and that frustrates me..im just going to go back to sleep for tonight..i know im not thinking clearly and i know i want an escape from myself..sleep is safe .

anniversaries..

it is the time of year again that i become consumed with the past.with thoughts of my sister..a person i dont remember or know but still i grieve for her.  it happened almost 30 years ago and still i can only wonder where she is buried, if my birth parents know, if anyone else remembers her. so many questions and no answers.  i cant even visit her if i wanted too..every year i wonder if this will be the year i ask mommy where she is buried so that i can visit her..and each year i dont do it..im afraid..im afraid that i will forget her permantntly. that without me trying so hard to remember her, she will just disappear..as if she never was.  i think growing up i was glad she had died so that she didnt have too experience what i was experiencing..i was angry that she left me alone and i had to experience it on my own..and i am guilty for killing her and then forgetting her. i should be punished..i feel like i should be punished for not remembering, for her not being here.i do punish myself still for these thoughts and feelings.

i have her obituary..i found it when i moved.  i knew i had it but cuold never remember where i had put it. i find it and often lose it again.  it must stay hidden though because im not supposed to have it..mommy would not be happy i guess to know that i have it..but finding it again a few months ago was like finding proof that she existed..that i am not making her up. she was truly here..and she died..she left me..

being adopted, having and losing her, and knowing who i am is all connected in some ways..i wonder about my real family i guess..i wonder how different my life could have been..i wonder how its possible to not be wanted by two different families..and i feel so alone..like i truly have never ever fit in..not even from the beginning..i wasnt wanted


i think that is enough for now.anxiety is rising quickly..

stressed

i truly think the stress of everything is causing my stomach issues to be worse again...ive been eating gluten yes but not a lot like a couple weeks ago...work stress..the world stress..am i safe stress..all of it..i dont know...i dont feel safe..

Lost time maybe

Im sitting here thinking about the past couple days..well trying to and my mind drifts..i forget...and just keep sitting..i feel off..this has been a really stressful week though..and maybe im trying to destress but i feel more anxious and out of it with each passing day...today feels worse than yesterday...im not sure what ive been doing..sarah keeps asking and i keep telling her i dont know or im not sure..i have to be doing something..time keeps passing...was i reading or playing cards...did i take a nap or watch netflix? I cant keep a consistent flow of  consciousness..it gets broken somwhow and then i hear the negative thoughts..yesterday it was crashing my car..today its drowning in the bathtub...like just thinking about them..doing them..but i cant stick to a plan..its like they keep slipping out of my grasp..i keep trying to find something to cling to and nothing is there..i tjink my coworker leaving as brought up abandonment issues...i told her i was mad at her for leaving ..thinking about it makes me tear up...i am an adult right? Why is tjis so hard..things are beginning to get down and all im doing is watching because I don't know whay to do...my head hurts really a lot..i think ive missed taking the meds for a couple days...i took  them today..my brain feels slow..my thinking is slow...im not mYself but i dont know where i have gone.

yesterday was a bad bad day at work

i kept getting yelled at ...all this week ive been getting yelled at for something ..stupid stuff...they are not letting us do our jobs... and it took a while to calm down the tears..and then i ended up frustrated again..and just couldnt focus on completing notes..i was on sign out yesterday..note to do..and was with the client who likes to flip over her wheelchair..they made me switch rooms and she was not happy and so i couldnt get anything done at all..i was a mess..i mean they are yelling at me because i let a client use all the stickers and im being wasteful..it was a client who hasnt been wanting to participate in anything..and finally she does something and they demand i take the stickers back..wtf...i didnt and she took her picture home...given i didnt give her all the stickers...she happened to be sitting with them and i was otherwise occupied and she kept adding things to her picture...because im not coming up with enough activities..because i let a client use a canvas with someone elses name drawn on it in pencil, that has been in there forever...i let a client color on a stack of construction paper and am again being wasteful..i do come up with activities..i have given her lists of supplies that i need..and have received nothing..but im told there is stuff upstairs...ok but im expected to stay with the clients and keep them busy and they hide activities upstairs and then swear we arent doing anything...yesterday was just too much :( i did get hugs from the two im trying to attach to..which did nothing to help the attachment issues but did make me feel a little bit better..im up now trying to work on missing notes...but again ..im feeling so down and upset that i just dont want to even show up...but i guess they would be expecting that...so ill show up...but the enjoyment is slipping away...im trying to be a team player..i do what im asked to do..and then some...and somehow i end up being yelled at...i dont understand it at all..and i hate that i started crying ..i left at 4 yesterday...no staying late for anything and i didnt finish my notes either..right now i dont care if im taken off the schedule..im tired .... and they will be the ones struggling with coverage...not me..i wont get paid ..but ill manage...  and i feel bad for even thinking that.... but yesterday i was feeling the urges to cut very strongly..i was really hurt and upset..and if im getting to that point then something is wrong...maybe this week is just a rough one...but im ready for friday at 4...i just want to go home..and stay home...

sarah totally made me feel better though because my new kindle showed up and i got to play with it..

blahish day

my stomach has not been happy today and i have not been nice to it at all so i am guessing that this qas going to happen and i would suffer for it...well i knew it would happen...as i caused it....but again i am convincing myself that i dont have to take out my anxiety or sad feelings or whatever with food...or eat foods i know make me sick so that ill be sick....am i lacking attention?  i went bowling at work on friday..and i was so hurt when no one told me good job..like really hurt..but when someone did..it was like the best thing ever....craving more attention..and still trying to attach to my coworkers...i hope my stomach settles a bit before i have to go to work tomorrow...ugh..but ill be testing all day tomorrow so i wont even be on the floor..but being stuck in a hot office and bored to death with not make tomorrow any easier...but hey no note writing if im not with the clients..and for that i am happy..i finally see anita tomorrow..and prolly have to make a stop at the store before coming home...and tuesday is sarahs birthday...and noa called me today to ask if i would take her to see the trolls movie :)  i swore she said train museum lol..but that will be something we can do when i go down there...i cant wait..my thoughts are a bit jumpy tonight and i really wish the weekend was a bit longer...i packed my lunch for tomorrow already...a sandwich, chips, grapes, and fruit snacks...good and simple...i eat so much better during the week than on the weekends but lately all my eating is kinda bad in that im eating stuff with wheat in it...and that is going to have to stop because it is making me sick...like bathroom accidents sick..and im beginning to feel miserable with all of it..im gonna go lay down for a little bit ...feeling antsy for some reason...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
~ Marianne Williamson"

wow wow wow

this week has been ridiculous !!  work has been crazy...like someone contaminated the water crazy...ugh..i was so freaked out on tuesday because one of the clients had a seizure and i responded first ..and he is ok..but i just worry so easily...

today was a better day at work though..this weather is irking my nerves because its so so so hot and sticky and humid and gross..and i get so cranky when im hot..i dont mean to be but im just not comfortable ..

but the coolest thing ever is that ive found the computer i want to get sarah...i cant show her mine because its like the one she is getting ..im going to pick it up on friday..im pretty proud of myself for being able to get me a computer for work stuff and sarah a computer for her birthday...im proud of myself for working ...and having money and being able to pay things..and this month is also involving a trip to south carolina..and everything...so yep pretty cool stuff going on.

its hard though at the same time some days...my mood is all over the place and ive been sleeping a lot...i want to talk to anita but i wont see her until monday..im trying to be patient and not call her or bother her..i keep telling myself i can manage ... i hope..still using food as a weapon against myself and as a result my stomach is more often than not upset these days..i want to join the rec center that we go to with work..and go and walk the track in the evenings or something..its a small place so maybe i will look into it..

Wow things have changed

I truly like this picture of myself... I can say that with feeling immense hate..without thinking about everything wrong with myself...

When I took the picture I was in an ok mood..i was at work..playing around iñ the bathroom while waiting for a coworking..nothing special going on..

As I posted the picture on facebook..i realized I actually liked it...no strings attached..i still feel a bit detached from it though and I guess that might be odd..i mean it's a picture of me..but at the same time the connection is not there..maybe I just made this so confusing lol

Ok I like the picture..thats the overall message .

Headaches and stuff

I'm trying so hard to use my coping skills and not give in to any urges....the weiģht on me seems to be lifting a little bit but I'm still worried about anita..and struggling with my thoughts...physically I be been sick a bit and I don't know what's causing it..but my stomach is not happy and I'm feeling nauseous during the day..im trying to take things one day at a time...but I'm really glad tomorrow is friday.

Broken

I want to just lay my head down and sleep...no more thinking .. no more anything..im sad..worried..upset..wanting  so very to hurt..to cry..to scream..my thoughts are racing but I shouldn't take any more meds...i found out today..i couldn't see anita..next week is a holiday on my usual,day..and so I am feeling everything...well I'm still to,drugged to feel anything but I know they are there..i have to be safe and all I want to do is destory..im worried about anita..something could have happened...amd she's mad at me and i,can't fix it and it makes me feel so anxious..i have to fix it..but I am left craving attention that I can't have. My thinking goes back and forth.. I'm tired..im hiding from myself..i want quiet as the noise in my head increases..i don't want to go to work tomorrow..im not happy I'm sad...i don't want to be around anyone..my routine is broken. I push away the thoughts and things until I forget them....i have to get through the next two weeks...how can I do that when all I want is to be alone..I  want comfort but won't accept it for fear of breaking down..the pressure builds on my head and in my chest and there  is not a safe release valve...i must be quiet..i must survive..i just want to sleep as my thoughts become darker and I'm more afraid of myself and there is no escape. No break..just never-ending thoughts...a constant battle to stay one step ahead of myself and not give in to any of the urges  .. I want an escape from mYself but no,pills are strong enough...sleep is all,i,have...

Super upset with myself

When I say I don't care and eat whatever I want..i truly don't care..and because of that I've gained back weight I had lost..ugh..and my stomach hurts for my trouble...blah

attention...

I am beginning to think that the whole fiasco with anita and the paperclip is because I'm not getting enough attention...im going out of my way to do stupid things and get sick again and just ugh...im not feeling good today at all...my stomach is bothering me a lot and I am once again saying that I will stop eating gluten....its harder this time around to stop..because I want so much of what I couldn't have before and things ive missed being able to have..but feeling this and gross is not worth it..and I'm getting frustrated with myself for doing it..i cant have it both ways...I really cant .. and my stomach is revolting my past eating habits horribly...so ill stop again...I truly will...I hate feeling like this...

but back to the attention thing...it has taken to me like almost 3 weeks to figure out that I don't feel like I'm getting enough attention..that I took the paperclip partially for attention...partially because sometimes I just cant stay in adult mode and want everything and anything..and telling me no is not something I understand in that frame of mind...but I kept and now I totally have anitas attention..good heavens I have it...but I keep going back and forth between it being upsetting because I cant explain why I did it..to just feeling completely vindicated because its mine and she cant have it back...I don't know..the whole thing is a confusing mess in my head..but really with work my attention is on everyone else and not me..there is always so much going on..im there..i do my job nd that's it...ive been avoiding sarah is some ways because I wasn't comfortable around her evening aide and so I have been spending a lot of my evenings alone reading, or sleeping, or just wasting time away..i feel alone..and I guess I'm not getting much feedback from work ..so its just maybe I am feeling forgotten ... unimportant..wanting to do something to get some sort of attention..i don't know..right now I'm feeling to miserable to even consider cutting but I think that has been one of my ways to have attention....not intentionally..but the end result was more attention...im trying hard to figure out the paperclip thing...

how it relates to anything or nothing....yes mommy constantly took things from me growing up or wouldn't let me have the same stuff as my brothers and sisters...I was quickly told I'm to old for toys or I need to grow up...yes I have issues with stealing and wanting to be like everyone else...or wanting to manage and fit in some way...a paperclip isn't making me like anyone but for some reason I wanted it ...my thinking changed and it wasn't until she asked for it back that I suddenly wanted it and refused to give it back...

sometimes I really truly hate the way my head works and thinks ...it makes no sense ... still trying to put the pieces together of a mind that makes no sense ...

Sooo

I'm waiting for dinner to finish cooking so I guess I'll write a little bit

My stomach is bothering me  today..no idea why though.. but it's not fun...

I got a small air mattress yesterday and woke up this morning without my back hurting me..i also slept away the entire morning! I  didn't mean to but I guess I was really really tired..

I'm off on Monday but I have Doc appts to go to...yuck...so I'll still have a pretty busy day... My job did get my background check back and asked me about it..luckily I wasn't fired but the worry about waiting for them to say something about it is gone...i know they have it.i know I wasn't fired..so for now that is all good..come August I'll only have one more year of it being on my record...well background...but I like my job..its tiring but i like it.

I have to start planning for Sarah's birthday and the trip to see noa and then my birthday trip... and then I probably won't go anywhere until Christmas.  That's the plan anyway. 

Struggling

I'm having a hard time right now..im struggling to stop using food as a weapon...its making me sick as and I feel miserable and am hurting...i did it on purpose...and now I'm paying for my choices..at the time I was impulsive. I didn't care..i wanted to be sick..i was angry and hurt..about somethings going on and took it out on myself...and the last couple days I've been miserably sick and feeling off...i know better ..and still I make the choice to take my feelings out on mYself...why can't I learn to not do that... :( I gotta get ready for work...but I'm feeling nauseous..

Life's obstacles

Well  My kindle is working again..so I can write and see what I'm actually writing...

This has been a depressing week.. Well last week has been depressing...Sarah had a death in her family...I had a death in my family that leaves me questioning my own stability ...they are saying he overdosed...mommy and nia had just   spent time with him..he had said he was going to get his life together..stop drinking...only to die a couple days later...last year my nephew committed suicide...both of their actions make me fear my own thoughts...Will i  reach a point where I truly am convinced that nothing is worth it...I often feel things aren't worth it but not to the extent that I have in the past..does that mean I'm getting better?? I cut last weekend and I haven't done it again but the thoughts are there..I'm not concerned about trying to kill myself..but I am just left questioning why..to all of it...I am safe..Just really sad...

Work has been stressful as we are still so short staffed ..And so the amount of clients we each have is high..And I'm falling behind on the notes...Ugh..  hate that..I'm starting to put money aside  to get a computer so I can get my notes done...there are only two computers at the office..so having my computer will make it easier...And then I can work on them little bits at home too..but gotta save first..

I'm really hoping my stuff from home will be brought to me at the end of the month..I'm trying not to have to spend more money on another air mattress...the current one is losing air so fast..I end up waking up often to reinflate it  only to have the air come right back out..Thanks to little cat,sized holes in it...I'm trying hard to make it..I don't mind sleeping on the floor but it hurts my back...sleeping on a not fully inflated air mattress kills my back too..so for now I am just hoping..

My stomach is bothering me today...And I was throwing up last week...hopefully it passes and my stomach calms down...I hate not feeling good...it sucks...I'm slowly becoming better with the gluten free stuff...I'm finding alternatives and stuff..And like with everything else there is gluten free junk food...And i have days where all I want to eat are cookies..I'm working to stop drinking soda again..hard battle...And it kinda really sucks...but I know drinking the empty calories aren't helping anything ..And the sugar content is awful..so yeah..things to work on..I did get a new meter from the doc so I am checking my sugar again at least..

Hmm ..haven't been sleeping the greatest..bad dreams...that sucks too..

Kai is really funny and steals my food...right as I'm looking at him..he took my whole container of rice from the Chinese place and carried it  from my room to the living room..the box of course was covered in little teeth marks and holes!!...

Ok I'm off to finish cooking ..And maybe taking  bubble bath...I've been reading  a lot too..I was able to get a couple books I really wanted...so I'll be busy some...an  Tuesday we are going to the movies at work...so that will be fun.

I'm alive..I'm sorta healthy and happy..so things are    overall   good but there is a layer of sadness to everything currently...

Will I have to live in fear?

I woke up this morning to news of a mass shooting in Orlando...when I woke up it was at 20 dead...now hours later it is at 50 dead...And many injured...it is heartbreaking to see the news and know all of these lives have been lost to hate...all the families who will have to worry about burying loved ones and the families who have no news of their children's whereabouts....what fear that must be..to see the news and know your child could have been there...

Each time there is a shooting I am saddened and become more afraid...schools, church, homes, train stations,movie theatre's, and now a gay nightclub....this is happening  r the world..every few months the world ends up praying for the victims of a shooting..a mass crime..bombs..No where feels safe...in my mind this was a hate crime..all of them are hate crimes...people and dying for being out and having fun..And I don't understand why..I don't understand what the reasoning behind it is..I want to understand but the shooter is dead...if he was still alive would they say he was mentally ill? Because of his name  is he a terrorist?? What reasoning  Will be fed to the masses about what has happened..

It is sad...depressing..I want Nothing to do with this world..the actions of a few can destroy the outlook for many...I know now is a time to focus on the positives but I am afraid...if I go to the store wil I make it home alive? If I travel? Do I need to watch everyone? Wonder about their intentions? Will I ever truly feel safe?? Will I wonder if I will be hated on sight because of my skin color, my life choices, my mental issues...should I have to be afraid??

Today is another sad day for the nation...for the world...for me...

Day 1....yet again

How many times do I have to fall just to have to get back up again...I don't know how long it was without cutting but today is day 1 again..And I'm frustrated with all of it..things have been stressful lately and I know there are other coping skills but yesterday...yesterday's feelings were the tipping point..I want so much to be accepted..liked...And I know Sara's family doesn't acknowledge me..but I guess hearing plans being made to visit specifically when I am not here just hurts..My feelings are hurt an  I can't stop thinking about not being good enough..I don't fit in my own family..My birth family gave me away..And now Sarah's family wants nothing to do with me..I feel rejected in a major way..I try so hard and still can't manage ..I'm tired..I'm sad...I know it is out of my control but the thoughts and feelings that have been triggered are alive and well :(

Sinking ship

I'm tired and cranky a bit today...My feeling  are hurt over something I thought I was managing..but I guess not...I know I'm not accepted by Sarah's family...not all but most..And it just hurts that her grandmother went out of her wH to make sure I wouldn't be here when she came to visit..I already have so many issues involving wanting to be accepted and feeling important...Just to once again be ignored and avoided..it's like I'm not even here...I'm a glossed over w accessory that will be thrown away with enough time I guess...it hurts and makes me incredibly sad...

:) today

Today was one of the best days Ive had in a while. I am content.. happy.. relaxed..

Sarah and I spent the day together.. I guess Anita was right in that we need a go out and have fun day...and it was a fun day..slept in..read a book..went to lunch at my favorite restaurant.. and I got my chicken sandwich without the bun and it was just as good!...and then we went out for ice cream..and we talked and goofed off and just had a good time..we even sat outside and talked to a neighbour while I got my hair braided...and we spent some alo e time together and I even managed to  get in a little more reading in..

I'm off tomorrow and looking forward to another good day.

rough week

this has been a really really long and tiring week...work drained me majorly and i think the stress i was feeling from that made me stomach upset a couple days last week..i dont know...im trying to be careful with what i am eating of course...im randomly finding things to try though..this week it is chocolate chip muffins...i hope they are good, gluten free of course...i really hate how expensive the grocery bill has become..that is frustrating all by itsself...

but i saw the doc last week and im doing well on that front...ive lost 13 pounds since my last doc appt in april...so i guess it was maybe 3 weeks or so..i feel different..in some ways..i certainly dont have any more energy...but i guess im feeling better bodywise..its hard to explain..

work was hard in that..there is staff not showing up and not calling out....its rough with only 3 staff with the clients...especially when it is supposed to be 6 of us...busy and then havin staff arguing and yelling in front of the clients was awful and made me so tense and upset and it was sucky...im assuming the girl who didnt show will be fired which takes us down to 4 staff.and thats if everyone comes to work...ugh..so last week was just long and tiring..  i am excited though that we are going to the zoo on monday...ive never been to the zoo in richmond so it will be a fun trip..

i am noticing that i do not have a lot of down time to myself anymore...im not coloring or writing or anything really...i sleep and maybe cook..and help sarah..and that is my life..there is no time for anything else..and it is beginning to make me feel on edge ..like i just cant get enough time to regroup and calm down .. and get some of the pressure out of my mind..i feel like im overloading and there is not a release valve anywhere to be found...i still havent found a balance yet between work and home..and most days im to tired to even care ..but i am noticing it..and am aware of it..so i guess thats something...

that is all there is to talk about since im yawning and of course want to go to sleep..today has gone by really fast though...i did go to the grocery store today and tomorrow i have got to do laundry..or ill really have nothing to wear! 

Am I OK?

I am OK? I think I'm OK...I feel OK..but I don't trust that I'm OK...

A busy week

 working all week and trying to be active in the evenings is hard for me...I wake up around 5:30.my alarm is set for 6..I work all day and get home around 5..cook..eat..and fall asleep..that is my day..add in therapy and last week i had to get off early to do first aid and cpr..I'm just tired...I am way more active..and I'm trying different gluten free foods...some junk food...but I don't think I'm over doing it..OK yesterday and this morning I ate way to much Chinese food.. but I've found that Chinese doesn't make my stomach hurt... so every two weeks I do splurge on Chinese...I made the mistake to eat rice a roni last week..made me sick..so on one hand I know I have a gluten intolerance for sure..and on the other I'm sad because I'm giving up so much...I'm slowly getting braver with trying new stuff..like I got gf bread and pizza today.. I'm having to try things to see if I like them...I've learned gf cornbread is OK but not great.. where as gf biscuits are great. The major down side is that all the gf stuff is so expensive.. the grocery bill has doubled thanks to my gf food..and I try hard not to make Sarah eat all gf stuff you know...so a lot goes into getting groceries...

 Work has been going fine..just busy..each day is definitely different.. and I know that a couple days the depression made being at work very hard..but I managed..I guess..I do have notes to finish tomorrow and take in ..but I'm off Monday because of doc appointments...

It took a few days to kind of regroup from mothers day..it was rough and I was sad and unhappy...I didn't cut.. though for a while I really wanted to. I think I'm becoming to busy to totally focus on things feeling bad..who knows ..I'm just glad I feel OK today..

Things other wise are OK I guess..nothing major going on..I'm still working to get used to my schedule.. but that just takes time.
I know I do need to make a little more time for writing.. I miss it..

Mother's day

A day that fills me with fear and dread...I feel so angry..so sad..so hurt..so forgotten... my thoughts are going crazy and I'm fighting to stay present and grounded.

I didn't sleep so great last night...I wake up feeling as if my world has ended... all night I just kept thinking and remembering ... I remember the fear..the threats to leave me and kill me..the hitting and yelling and comparing... but I don't remember love...or nice words..no hugs..I don't remember feeling wanted...or liked..I remember wishing to die..

All these years later.. I don't feel that much has changed..I am working to become stronger and still the thoughts incapacitate me.. my thoughts are dark and very hurtful...I'm worried that I will cut just for some release... there is no where for the thoughts to go..so they stay in my head and take over...

I sent her a card and I hope she got it in time or I'll be in trouble.. I'm to Afraid to just ask her...in a little while I'll have to call her and be happy when I'm incredibly close to tears...

 I don't like mothers day...I really don't.. I can't deal with what it beings up

Just a thought from work

I really wish people could understand that calm body language and patience goes a lot farther than yelling...they may have disabilities but they are not stupid...I hate that..I had to explain to a coworker today that I repeatedly kept answering the same question for one client because it helped keep him calm..I didn't yell at him or have to chase him like the coworker did...I told him that it didn't bother me to answer the same question over and over..it wasn't stopping me from doing my work.or hurting me in anyway...I don't want power over anyone else..I'm there to help and make sure they are safe and have fun...not to yell at them...I hate that many in this field don't know that..it makes me sad...

On edge

Things are moving very fast and I am nervous and anxious about it...I have to go get my fingerprints done and her my other paperwork done..I see Anita tomorrow and with work starting possibly very soon I don't know how to be able to see her and not seeing her may send me into a tail spin..I have doc appts and stuff to figure out and I'm feeling really overwhelmed ..plus Sarah has a new agency starting tomorrow..new people.. becoming comfortable with someone being here all day...after 2 months of just us...and now there will be someone else and it makes me nervous and sad...I will have to wait another couple weeks to get my stuff from nc... and I just want my stuff at this point..I may end up having to get an air mattress... sleeping on the floor is not fun...I want to hide ..isolate...too many things are changing..I should be happy right? Why am I not happy? I just want to have immense quiet...with no expectations...

Busy busy days

Yesterday was super busy and tiring as I was moving stuff...we are in the new apartment though :) it is a truly nice feeling to feel safe after so much moving around and not really having a steady home...And now against everything thrown at me and Sarah..we have an apartment..it is exciting and scary...

Plus I've been offered a job...a perfect job ! M - f ...at a day support program... I have  to go and pick up the packet of info to fill out and get my finger prints and stuff done..before I can start...but I did it..I got a job...hopefully my background issue won't end up with me getting fired and that makes me so nervous...but I'm can't worry about it now...I have to wait and just see and pray that I can keep this job...

Unpacking and stuff today..but gotta go to the other apartment to get the cats and bring over some little things...

But things are seriously looking up and it makes me so very nervous...I'm afraid something will take it all away :( but I'm working to enjoy these days.

Thoughts

For the first time in weeks/ months my stomach isn't bothering me....I did not spend yesterday running back and forth to the bathroom..all this time..I can see from two and three years ago in old Facebook posts that I've been having stomach issues for a long time...And it has sucked royally...And for my doc to ask about what I'm eating..because I always swore up and down that my eating doesn't change..but it was what I've been eating...what I've always eaten..And its more than just being like it's not healthy...it was literally sending me to the hospital...this may,be the hardest thing ever..And I feel so stupid for not considering this sooner ..but this is like the ultimate self care for me...this is truly having to figure out how to work with my body and try to save it without hating it at,the same time..it is different and hard but as I told my doc..  am sick to death of being sick..

How things are going..

This weekend will be one for flat out relaxing as next week is going to be incredibly busy!

Kai got fixed yesterday and he is doing well..lots of cuddling and laying with me...I can tell he is taking it a bit easy..he is younger than I thought though...the docs peg him at 7 months and I was saying he is 9 months because I was told he was born in August...but he was awfully small when I got him at the beginning of Oct...so maybe he is a bit younger..I'll make his birthday around my birthday :)

I finally got the change of address form submitted...I did forget to go and get my meds yesterday ..so I'll have to get them on Monday..

Went grocery shopping yesterday and looked for the gluten free options ..at first I wasn't seeing any and was starting to get overwhelmed..but I was able to slow down and figure out what little sign I was looking for..And found more things..I got a lot of fruits and some veggies and stuff..some popcorn chips and I even got some waffles..it is going to be a learning experience for sure...but I had an almost normal stomach day yesterday...I'm so nervous that this won't work and I'm trying not to get my hopes to high..but I'm working on sticking with it..

I was able to close out my storage unit yesterday..And got that stuff moved to the apartment..so now we have to work on  finishing up packing Sarah's stuff and the plan is to move her stuff on Wed morning..

And I have an interview next week..on Tuesday ..at 10am.
.a full time position..m -f ...I really want this job!!

So I guess things are going ok ...surprisingly.. a bit stressful but ok..

big eating changes

i am terrified of the changes i have to make to my diet...im scared that i have no idea what i am doing...i am beginning the process of taking gluten and dairy out of my diet...im having so many stomach issues that  i will gladly do it...but its taking away a lot of stuff that i eat on a regular basis..and that is scary...i know there are a lot of gluten free options but im not big on trying new things..and for right now im going to go back to what i know and am comfortable with..as i learn more about this...diary isnt so hard as i know there is dairy free butter..i can live without milk and cheese ... but the gluten part..that one is just daunting..no bread..no processed stuff..boring old fruits and vegetables .. meats are ok to eat..seafood..but not fried..corn stuff is ok ..and im suddenly glad that i like grits...im tryin to go slow but i know i will just stop eating the stuff as much as i can..and see if it helps...

Something is wrong with my stomach

May end up back  at the er because  of my stomach issues...trying to stick it out and call my doc tomorrow..but since Saturday things have been pretty bad...I don't know what to do really

kicked while already down...

if this was a battle...then today i lost and lost big time...

mommy - 1
me - 0

im not sure i can find the words to truly express how badly i am feeling right now...my thoughts have gone downhill and are sitting at the bottom of this hole and i see no way out...im tired..my head hurts..and i feel lost ...i know i shouldnt believe her but i was already feeling a bit vulnerable from therapy and so talking to her and having her just i guess attack me in a way just made it all worse...she got me twice today ...and it is to much to deal with...im tired of fighting..and i asked her to stop because i was feeling stressed out and she didnt ..it was like i didnt even say anything..

according to her ..i need to stay in the closet...plan on moving out of sarahs in a year..dont make myself comfortable ... brought up old things that have been said to me..brought up my failures at my jobs and with living arrangements..my messy car...my inability to pack and clean and organize...all of it...if i can be so secretive with my family then i need to be just as secretive with everyone else...over and over ..i get this advice from her..and its like she doesnt care...no one cares in my family ..but as long as i keep up the pretense that i work with sarah then she is happy...nothing more can be said..i dont trust her or nia..and it feels like i do need to go back to keeping secrets ..because otherwise im doing something wrong...she says she doesnt care about my lifestyle and in the same breath tells me not to let anyone know..that what goes on behind closed doors is my business ...and not to mix business and personal...and that people will talk and say i am taking advantage of sarah ... and that im doing something wrong...i keep feeling like i am doing something wrong when im not...im truly not ...but i am fed the same arguments over and over...what part of im movin in with sarah is not clear?  why would i plan to move in a year if ive said im living with her? why am i going to make new plans now that dont include her ?  i feel like i will be forced to distance myself ... because i cant seem to win at this... i feel like im being pushed away in some ways because im not good enough..i dont fit in well enough..because im not following her commands as well as i once did ... does she ever think that maybe i need support to? or that i know being in a relationship takes work but every time i turn around im told to keep it quiet ...to leave..to move .. to date other people...over and over that is what i hear and it wears on me...not to make me leave sarah but just makes me tired and depressed and suicidal because it is so much to fight against..so many thoughts to fight against and sometimes i dont feel like i have any fight left...today i have nothing left...i cant think...and cutting is at the forefront of my mind..because i dont know any other way to ease this stress...because i feel like im worthless..not good enough ...a total waste of space..not accepted or even wanted...never wanted or liked  or loved..because im just a horrible person and should die anyway ... that was the plan  away..all those years ago ... just die and get it over with..and now all these years later i still have that same thought

emotional breakdown in progress

fighting for this stage in my life

something has been on my mind for the past couple weeks...ive been thinking hard about something and i just couldnt put my finger on what it was....yesterday after yet another conversation with mommy and sarah had a conversation with one of her case managers and i realized that we are both being questioned to death about this choice we are making ...and it is upsetting me in a way...it is stressful and overwhelming to always have to explain why..and defend the decision..and just not have people be happy for us..either separately or together...

i talked to sarah yesterday and she was upset and crying and i told her that i had decided no one would be taking this happiness away from me...and i realized in that moment that i truly meant it...that this move has been a long time coming and i dont want to be made to doubt myself or the decision...we made the choice together..we will be living there together..not with everyone who feels the need to share there opinions about the apartment or anything else...and im holdin tightly to the thought that this is a good move..this is what we need..we are always better together..we have talked about the pros and cons...we have talked about the changes that need to be made ...we have talked about ALL of it...and still people doubt..but no one is offering any help...except mommy and im paying for that!

the thing is that i am finally in a place right now where i am feeling accepted...almost happy even some days...and it is a feeling that i dont want to have go away...in the past almost three years ..i have been homeless more than once ..in bad living situations..without jobs..without a car...and now ..finally now things are beginning to look up and ill be damned if i have anyone take that away..its not fair...its my life..and im happy with the choices i am currently making...believe me i have made some really bad choices in the past but i am still alive...i have learned even if i didnt want to learn...i learned..and now..finally now i am able to say that my current choice is one that truly makes me happy and lets me feel at peace...and the fact that a lot of people are doubting us makes me want to scream...we are both adults the last time i checked..capable of making decisions..why do people think that they get to force their opinions....

so screw all of them...i can deal with mommy with sarahs help...and sarah can deal with all her loud opinionators with my help....

but i am determined to see this through..its not for anyone else...its not to make anyone else happy...its like ive struggled for so long and no one really knows that ..but sarah does know..and she has stayed by my side...we have managed to make things work in the face of everyones opinion...and we are still together...has no one figured it out yet ???

im learning...that i have to make choices for me..and my happiness ... and i dont want to let anyone ruin it for me...i dont...

Sick

Heyy
I have been pretty quiet , ended up going to the ER yesterday bout the chest pain because it got worse... I'm not having a heart attack....luckily...gave me pain meds and sent me home..said it was maybe a pulled muscle or something...on top of having major stomach issues..it's been a crappy couple days..literally..I'm reduced to saltines, soup and ginger ale...I did eat a pbj a little while ago and my stomach is not happy..I'm just worn out from it all. A lot of time laying down..going to try to get the pain meds filled tomorrow. Maybe they will help...I just,feel crummy.And gross ..

Feelings

Stuck in my head...sad thoughts and feelings..cranky..irritable..quiet..wanting to have silence..distancing myself..some thoughts of harming..Just feeling off..very unsettled and tense..can't relax ..overwhelmed..tearful..sorry for being me..headaches and not wanting to eat..angry..down..I'm feeling invisible...lost and alone...lonely..tired..exhausted..I don't know

So much in my head

I really wish I could listen to music right now..but I can't so I'll try to write and not get lost in my thoughts.... the depression is getting bad again...I feel tired..I feel off..I feel like crying...I feel down...really down...I'm at home we are leaving Saturday morning..it's storming currently so leaving now would have sucked anyway...mommy was only around for a few hours and still I got overwhelmed, defensive, upset...but she is out of town now and still I can't seem to relax...I don't know

But good news for a.change..I have a place to live

A real address...an apartment with Sarah...soon we will have more privacy...more space..And we will be together...we would out for sure yesterday..the lease will be signed on April 1st...And then I'll be back on Richmond for good by May,1st... finally

Kai is doing good..he has grown a lot !! But he still remembers me..he is such a good cat...super energetic but good...And bounce is super chill And good

Well

My anxiety has been increasing lately...I'm worrying about a lot of things and its happening more at night.. and then I end up having trouble sleeping.. I did start back on the wellbutrion today...at a lower dose than I was before...so will see how it goes.. I'm a little nervous because I don't remember how I handled taking it last time or what side effects popped up if any...so I'm trying to be careful...
I'm still having stomach issues and that just depresses me...my stomach is back to constantly hurting...and going back and forth to the bathroom is a pain...I hate it...

Not feeling so great

My stomach is acting up again...back to being a gross mess from multiple bathroom trips...I'm worn out...and feel weak like my body is going to give out...I'm tired and can't sleep but I did take a nap earlier... I feel awful that I'm just laying around and can't hold on to energy enough to get anything done...I feel nauseous and my stomach seriously hurts...and I'm just sick of looking at the bathroom.. OK whining over with.. I'm just gonna lay back down

Things

Today and yesterday have been really long days...busy days..And I'm not sure if I am completely processing things...we talked to the case manager about me being here into  the new agency is in place..And it is a big responsibility...a big thing to do...I have to be careful that I don't get burned out or startt to feel so tired that I no longer want to help...I guess that means I just need to do self care and not keep things bottled up...I have to be idealistic about what I can do and not try to be super woman and move heaven and earth to get things done...I'm not doing it to be recognized or anything..I agreed to stay way back when things started to look sketchy...I am here ..I will,stay...its just I feel bad for needing space at times or having  mood issues and shut down..or being a spazz and crying for some unknown reason..ughh..it will work out...it has too..it's going to. I have to be confident..I'm trying to be confident and not dwell on things mommy tell me...My life is slowly becoming more stable....I feel safe at Sarah's...I have a small steady paycheck...soon we will be moving..around may...Im  going to get kai in a couple weeks and bringing him back with me..much to bounces horror...I really need to get kai fixed..essh...I'm going home with Sarah for a couple days to get kai and all of that...

I'm feeling more or stable ground I guess...the depression has eased a bit...things don't look so bleak right now...I'm trying...I think I'm looking for validation...Maybe that's what it...Just reassurance that I'm doing ok...that I'm making good choices...that I don't need to be afraid...I don't know...

Some days I just get so tired of being me...

Had a falling out again with mommy..I knew the peace wouldn't last...I'm just left feeling so left out and worthless..I'm really down..And so very tired..

I'll  be restarting a med either Friday or Monday...Maybe it will  help lift me out of this overwhelming depression..it hurts to talk..to engage..I want to be alone but that's not possible..I was honest with Sarah about wanting to cut..but I haven't done it...the desire is there but the energy to go through with it is not...

I've been reading a lot today..trying to keep busy..bounce has been close to me a lot..Sarah to..I'm just struggling and I hate it...

a lot of changes

im not even sure where to start on the amount of things that are changing....ill be moving back to richmond before october and living with sarah...we are apartment hunting now...that is a happy happy set of news that i will be able to move back and find another job up here..vs lookin for one in nc..i will miss haning out with courtney and marley and the boys but yea i do better away from home...im still working on becoming more self sufficient..im working and slowly am able to see ow ill be able to save...right now money is needed for moving ..and once that is taken care of i will save for a new computer and then for the trip in sept to Illinois ...

things got bad with the aides and the company last week and so they are gone now...but that means i am here...and being here doesnt bother me...im still really upset that it was assumed that i would be here and able to do the stuff that needs to get done...i told sarah i would stay until the aide thing is worked out...but this past week as exhausted me...in so many ways...a lot of angry feelings...

mommy is still being nice when i talk to her...no pushing or talks about what im eating or not eating or where my money is going ... so that is good but weird...im still waiting for the other shoe to drop you know...but its been a little over a week and things are still civil...

i did ask to see the med doc though and we are going to look at my medicine on monday and make some changes...im nervous about that..i hate med changes ..but what im on now isnt really working ... and have been feeling more suicidal and stuff..so looking at them will be a good idea.

i do miss kai and hopefully will get to see im soon..but i know mommy and courtney are looking after him for me....

im working hard to use my coping skills.  ive been coloring a lot and even went for a walk one evenin when i was royally pissed off...i havent been cutting or anything

i am feeling a little down today so i am taking it easy...

Angry

Very very angry and struggling to calm down...took some meds and am finally able to think a little bit more calmly.. did some  writing and listened to music ..but still angry...

One of Sarah's aides has been yelling at her and she didn't show on monday and now she has pretty much quit..but the supervisor has only talked to the aide and is coming on Monday to see and talk to Sarah about what is going on...the aide has been waiting till I'm not around to say things.to Sarah and that pisses me off..the fact that the supervisor is saying it was a miscommunication pisses me off..the fact that the aide is taking personal days tomorrow and Monday and no back up person is being sent pisses me off...I'm sick of them assuming that I'm  here and will do it...the supervisor said nothing about someone coming in....

I am so angry and frustrated and they really all must think I am stupid..or have forgotten that I have a degree and I've done in home and personal care...I know what is supposed to  happen and this company is failing miserably...they have made one to many excuses now...I won't let it continue...