hello darkness

every day it seems that i figure out another reason that  the medication is helpful and without it i am sliding into darkness...my thoughts are overwhelming and irrational.  i dont trust myself with what i am thinking.  i am currently awake at 3am and my thinking just goes back and forth.  i want to go out to the store..i want to hang out the window in my bedroom..i want to just go and drive or walk outside..i am thinking and planning and plotting and now of it truly makes sense.  i want to go to sleep and instead i am awake and thinking..i keep thinking about destorying things...i keep thinking about hurting..i keep thinking i need to get up ..i need to do something..anything..im listening to music now and trying to drown out my thoughts.  do i want to go cook ?  do i want to draw ?  i dont know.  my fingers itch to move to be doing something and i have to remain still. i force myself to remain still so that i dont pace..am i nervous? tired?  no i am just falling back into darkness.  it is an old friend.  it is comforting.  it is an escape.  it is a form of safety in its own right.  there i am ok..i am protected.  i am alone.  and nothing can reach me.  i dont want anything.  im fine. it is like disappearing, being surrounded by a dark smokey living thing.  it wants me so very much and i resist. i keep resisting but i dont know why anymore.  it is a little bit easier to welcome it, to like it take over..to just be and have nothing else matter.  it is like wanting so much to be wrapped in a tight cocoon of warmth except there is no warmth..but there is comfort in the familiar..there is comfort in realizing that it has never left me. it has just been hiding .. and it still wants me.  no matter how i am or what im doing or what i have done.  it wants me all the same and i think it will steal me away this time.  i convince myself that i need it.  that it is an escape.  my resistance wears down and i am just left drifting ..i am left waiting for something.  not to be saved really..but to be let go..i want to be let go.. i am trapped and no one will notice . i am not dressed i cant leave the house..but i keep thinking that i do...i keep thinking i should take all of my medicine and then all i want to do is throw it all away.  i dont want to go anywhere but i do.  i wonder why i am here and what im supposed to be doing. i wonder what the point of all of it is and i just cry. i did not plan to cry.  the anger comes and goes and it is harder to push it away. it wants its freedom just like anything else but there is no freedom for that...i cant be angry..im not supposed to be..and not being able to control it or keep it under control is a problem. i have to be in control.  i have to be.  i cant be angry because then i want answers. i want to know why.  i want to know why i was picked and hurt.  i want to know why i cant remember..i want to know what the hell happened..i want to know why so very much. the anger and hate have such enormous depth.  it hurts thinking about it.  it hurts feeling it.  the anger comes and then the bone crushing depression crashes after it..one extreme to the other and through it all i sit quietly and keep myself alone because i dont want to hurt anyone else with my inability to be okay. or stay okay.  i dont know what i am currently .  if you ask me  i will say that i am fine.  that i am ok.  but all day i try not to cry, try not to yell or destroy something or destroy myself .. i dont know what i want to do..i want to throw everything away..break things..but that is not ok.  i keep my teeth clinched to prevent myself from saying anything mean or wrong.  my head hurts with the effort to remain good.  i am good.  i have to be good.  i have to obey.  i am failing .. im failing at everything.  mommy tells me that pretty much. or maybe that is my interpretation..obey and listen and be good and maybe she wont hurt me anymore.  the same hope  has lived in me for 30 years and i am still waiting ..still trying.. still dying ..and im still not good enough . trying to calm down.  force myself to lay down again for a bit..beginning to panic  and it makes my chest hurt..or it could just be years of crushing disappointment and hurt..who knows..