beginning to feel overwhelmed..

my head is full of fuzz today.  it is hard to think..and it hurts...im just laying here really thinking about a lot of stuff..worrying about a lot of stuff..wishing i could just lay down and go back to sleep until wed when i see britney again .. i feel so out of it and frustrated and irritated ... and sad...  the sad is creeping back in .. i am taking my medicine ..i dont think im forgetting it..but im beginning to just kind of drift off and it is a struggle to get myself pulled together...i dont know.. little things bother me, noise is bothering me..i feel like im being invaded and there is no way to fix it... i am tired and i want to hide

why are people so cruel ?

my heart hurts for my youngest brother.  i feel helpless in this situation because there is so little i can do to help...i feel awful that life continues on and he is having to deal with a hell of a lot of shit from an ex girlfriend.  i wish i could do more.  i am worried and scared for him.  i am trying to have faith in the justice system but i am not confident in it..i want to believe that the truth will prevail and he will be found innocent of the charges...but he is a tall, muscular black man and i feel like the odds are already stacked against him :(  i hate feeling like this.  but i know my brother.  i believe my brother.  i will be there for him no matter what.  that is what i keep reminding myself. 

DIabetes chat

i saw the head honcho yesterday at the clinic..the endocrinologist who is the head of that department over at one of the hospitals comes to the clinic on tuesdays ..and i saw him to talk about what is going on with the whole diabetes life stuff.. my doc was able to have a nurse stay in the room with me while i was with him and for that i will be forever grateful...but it was ok talking to him about stuff..he is increasing the metformin again im im taking 3 pills now instead of two..and he touched my feet which was so weird ..checked my eyes too.. i learned that the dark rash looking thing around my neck is related to being diabetic and that my body isnt absorbing or making insulin rihgt..mommy forever tells me i need to scrub my neck and stuff when she sees it..i told her yesterday that it wasnt me not washing or anything and it still led to a conversation on using skin lightening creams to clear it up... i dont know how much more straightforward i could have been when i said it is a result of being diabetic..but oh well .. i learned something new.. but it went ok for an appointment... my daily numbers have come down to the upper 100s...that is a big big improvement ..i am truly horrified that i was getting numbers in the 300 and 400 earlier this month..which means my numbers must have been crazy high the past few months..but i am determined to get them to come down...and so the past few days its been in the upper hundreds..i am a little proud of myself for that..like the work has been worth it you know..i am concerned because he talked to me about there being protein in my urine..which he explained as meaning it could be that the diabetes is messing with my kidneys ...i had to pee in a cup yesterday and all of that for it to be checked again..but i am well aware of the complications of diabetes..and i refuse to let any of that happen..diabetes will not kill me...so i go back to see him in a couple months.. hopefully i will be able to handle the increase in the metformin. my stomach has been a little off yesterday and today..but im hoping it will ease up...

i also should be starting the food pharmacy program soon.. i filled out the questionnaire thing with ro yesterday and so i should be getting a call about it...the cooking class will be every other thursday in the evenings..and ill be meeting with a nutritionist/nurse weekly for 12 weeks..and well free groceries are involved ..that i am super happy for..groceries are freaking expensive lol.. so that will be happening too...  im suddenly very very busy lol..

depression ... lack of confidence

ever since mommy has told me about the party i have been beating myself up..wondering what to wear..wondering if i am good enough..and the more i think and worry about it..the more my confidence lags and disappears...i mean there wasnt a lot of it anyway but its like scraping the bottom of the barrel right this minute... i keep looking for outfits or dresses that i like..and judging my self harshly because i dont have the body to wear them..i want to look nice but im comparing myself against other people i know will be at the party and its like i fail miserably..and i am ashamed that i cant wear a lot of stuff because of scars...and i hate it..so much for fitting in...i just dont ..and ill never be good enough ..and i just want to go ahead and give up..im frustrated and sad and scared..

undercurrents of thoughts ...

you know that nagging feeling..that something really needs your attention but you arent completely sure of the what or why or how?! yeah ..
i talked to mommy the other night and was informed that i was to be home on the 17th of june for her retirement dinner thing. it was implied i would be there, it was also implied that sarah isnt invited. i know a lot of the people my mom has worked for because i babysat for almost all of them. This is not a jeans and tshirt type party and so fears and uncertainty and judgements are slowly popping up. what to wear, what to say, to starve or barf..how to be perfect when i have accomplished nothing..they are slow thoughts, like i have to stop being busy for them to become noticeable. but the undercurrent of thoughts is there, the guilt, shame and jealously are there. all these people that hail her as the greatest most helpful person ever and we are over here like umm no i actually dont want to go..i dont have anything to honor for her..but id better be dead if im not showing up....

got a kitten and other stuff :)

this is my newest little munchkin.  she is 7 weeks old and her name is xena :) :)  gizmo has taken a big big liking to her and seems to be almost in parent mode..kai is very unhappy with the new addition and is keeping his distance...right now i have her in the bedroom and have food and a litter box in here for her..so that they can stay separated a bit for a few days..she is a curious little thing..and has made a place for herself in the closet...she lets me pick her up and move her around..and she slept with me on my pillows.. i want to get her a couple toys of her own to play with when i go to the store tomorrow.  i think she will fit right in though..she is vvocal and not afraid at all.  i love her to pieces ..i love all three cats !

today started out rough but it got better.  i had therapy today and we talked about different things... i havent gotten into the major stuff with her yet..not really...but we are working on the daily stuff ...  working on taking more notice of the positive stuff .. aand well there seems to be a bit of positive stuff going on right now. 

my working on getting my sugar down..and my numbers are getting lower ... im trying you know..next friday im going to join the rec center ...after the maymont adventure i realize that i am so much weaker and i dont like that..so gotta get stronger ..

tomorrow i go back to class and that is exciting...

but things are ok overall right now..they really are...  im so afraid that ill do something to mess it up or something..blah..that part sucks ..the thinking and worrying that goes on in the background... but im trying to give myself a break you know...

Pharmacy Class has begun

just a little ramble..brain is on high alert. i miss school. ok i miss the school supplies but being in the pharmacy class today as an older person is so very different from being that scared college kid. no i still do not want to do a presentation or speak in front of the class (there are 4 of us) .. but i know i will. i expectations are different in this experience. like i signed up for the class. so that means no halfassing it ..i paid for the class with my own money. so there is a commitment there. i have to see it through. i have to work hard and pass. I want to take the national test, not the state one. i want to be certified, not just have the license. this actually interests me, it holds my attention. Im so glad that it is a course for 12 weeks because there is a bit of math involved. no i am not a scared kid who doesnt know what in the world im doing ... ok i am a scared kid but i have life experience now. this is a different kind of scared you know... this is a scared that is mixed in with i know i want to do this, i want to do a good job. I want to learn this stuff and know it and remember it. I have to keep reminding myself im not going to be seen as a kid .. i have to be adult. I have to say what i know and not pretend like i dont know stuff. but i dont want to be a know it all either. 

my brain is going back and forth a lot right now..and i know i need some down time to kind of regroup and focus ..im gonna have to go and get a few more supplies ..and im gonna have to schedule in study time at the library.    

It is nice to have something that i am working towards. that i actually care about.  im not being forced to do it..im not needing it to pass something ..it is totally my choice and that makes it so different in a lot of ways. 

Happy Easter and other rambles

Happy Easter ... i added a picture of sir hops-a-lot and oliver from my easter basket :)   i got loads of candy and some small toys and did i mention candy and movies and a poster that i can color...mommy sent me jewerly for some reason ..but i talked to her this morning and told her happy easter so that obligation is over ..  im making a big easter dinner..ok kinda big..im making roast with carrots, mac and cheese, broccoli and rolls ..it is going to be yummy..

this weekend i am keeping things majorly low key..last week was busy with babysitting and then having nia and noa and rob here...we certainly managed to cram a lot of activities into only a few days...we went out for ice cream, we went to the childrens muesuem, the movies, maymont park, and the melting pot...it is was busy...super busy..and very tiring but it was a lot of fun... noa even picked out a trolls toy for me :) i have it on my dresser with my other little toys... and sarah got me an easter bucket that makes me really happy !!   my current obsession is these little things called num noms..they smell really good !  and again they do absolutely nothing..but i must have them! they are so cute...im searching for the pbnj, the grilled cheese, and the berry waffle !!  i must find them :) 

with everything that has happened my body is so worn out...like i have no energy left...im more determined to get my physical health in better order... like i wwent to maymont..and we walked the entire thing...the uphill little hike at the end almost killed me...i felt embarrassed that i had such a hard time doing it...i really thought i wasnt going to be able to finish it..and i had noa cheering me on very loudly...but its like im seriously out of shape...like i worked for an outdoor camp at one point you know..i did 4 day hikes..i danced for years...my legs used to be so much stronger..and now they are weak and i dont like that ... i have to get stronger..that will probably help my back to...i am feeling a bit more focused...i need help though...goodness do i ever need help with it..so ill talk about some of my concerns with the nutritionist on monday... and yes i know better than to eat all that candy i got lol...im gonna break it up and it will probably last me quite a while !   

but over all ... im trying hard not to beat myself up over it...i have to stop myself from thinking of how awful i did and focus more on that i actually finished....or that i overate a little bit this past week...ok i had fun with my sister visiting...today is a new day...so many ways to think that are automatically negative and attacking myself and it happens so easily..and so trying hard to remind myself of the positives..like yep ive been taking my medicine..yep ive been remembering to eat something with it..hey i got out of the house every day last week..its the little things that i gloss over and instead want to focus on the not so good... but it is constant work ... tiring work.. 

so next week i start my pharmacy tech class.. it is here finally...for the next 12 weeks i will be learning...and at the end of that...ok in september i will be getting a job in a pharmacy hopefully ! 

august though is still the wedding and i need to start planning for that...hotels and travel time and everything ...driving up to michigan and ohio... fun...that will be my last bit of traveling though for this year... this year for the holidays we are staying put...   i am planning a cruise for early next year though...ill also be going home to get jalen in june..and he will be with me most likely until aug..so yep..busy busy busy time coming ..

and the medication issues are minimal right now...i did increase the metformin to twice a day...starting yesterday....and im being very very careful to eat when i take it...no more taking medicine on an empty stomach..i have to remember to call the appointment place and see about an appointment with the endocrinologist .. ill do that tomorrow...

but ok ... i think that is about all of the needed rambles for today. :) 

back on the metformin and other stuff

well...i restarted the metformin yesterday...i am struggling with my feelings on why it is that i have to take it again..and struggling with the worry of having stomach issues again ...  so far it hasnt even been 24 hours yet and there is a little bit of stomach hurting ... maybe it will be ok this time around ??  gosh im hoping so..but ive also taken it enough to know that i may not be able to take it without having the stomach issues... im supposed to take it with food and already my dodgy eating has me taking it without eating..im going to go and fix something to eat in a little bit ..  but im not that hungry...like an hour ago i was starving and now i dont want to eat...weirdness ...

my back is still bothering me a bit and im frustrated with that too..right now im sitting up but braced against the pillows and im forcing myself to kinda stretch my back ..because it hurts.. 

not much to write about right now though..mood is really really down...  im missing bounce a lot ... i love kai and gizmo..dont get me wrong ... i just really miss bounce ...

i start my pharmacy tech class soon too...and that is a giant giant thing !  im so nervous and scared ... but i will have paid for the class...so i will be going of course.. but it is just nerve wrecking to be starting something new ..

i also was informed that i have been recommend for like this cooking class thing at the clinic...  doc told me she thought of me when they asked about people who were dependable and came to there appointments and would benefit from the class... i mean i can cook fine lol.. but this is going to be about a bit more than just cooking ... so i hate to admit it but i am kinda interested in this particular thing..although when she told me about it i was horrified lol... it is another 12 week program ..  i seem to be really liking 12 week programs lol ..

oh and im going to be referred out to see an endocrinologist ... to see what they think may help .. i mean just from taking the metformin yesterday evening my sugar was 226 this morning before eating..for what my readings have been lately that is positively low ! but i know there is a long way to go ... so that appointment i have to call about next week.

hhmmm ok ..now i guess that is all for right now ..

very dejected

so very very dejected  ... i went to see the doc yesterday and of course got my lab work done ... i go like clockwork because of being diabetic and stuff...so every three months i have to get it done and have my a1c checked.. a great a1c is under 7... mine is currently 12.7 which is super high and in the major not good zone...my a1c like everything else is all over the place but it has been steadly creeping up..but ive had it in the 7's before...and so the doc called and let me know what it was this morning ...and i had been hoping that it was going down..and its not ...and i have been working so much harder to eat better, to stay on top of the meds...and doc reminded me that it has only been about a month since we have been working to make changes...so the next a1c will be a better representation of the hard work ive been doing ...and since i refuse insulin, i have to go back on the meds that may have been causing some of the stomach issues..and the whole thing just makes me want to cry. i just get so frustrated..i want to see results now ..from the changes i am making now..not three months from now and i just want to give up and say screw it because i cant do it..i cant make the number go down..and ive failed again i hate all of this..i hate food, i hate snacks ..i hate wanting to eat .. or needing to eat..i hate having to check my sugar...i hate all of it i hate not being able to eat like everyone else because my body doesnt want to work right .. why cant i just be like every body else..why cant my body work right ??  why cant my mind work right ??? 

why cant i manage the feelings of needing to punished for failing yet again :(  

i think i need to be quiet for a while ..

secret thoughts ... and pain

ive been thinking a lot lately about food and stuff...ok lately all i think about is food and eating and what i can and cant have and all of that..with seeing the nutritionist and the behavioral health people i am talking a lot about diet and struggles with it and stuff ... and i keep asking myself why is it so so so hard for me...what is causing the major struggle ... and the refusual and fighting it and given i am making changes ..slowly but surely i am..but they arent happening fast enough and i want immediate results and that means i end up being even harder on myself because i am not getting immediate results ..and my sugar readings are so up and down it is dizzying ... 

once again after a lot of thinking ... and a lot of wondering.. i am pulled back into my past ... to when i was a kid ...  mommy singled my out because i was always bigger...overweight...she would not let me have the same things as everyone else..she watched me and criticized what i ate or didnt eat...while at the same time using food as a reward in some ways..there are a lot of humiliating thoughts and things from mommy around food ..a lot of things she has said or brought up around others to shame me into not eating... the purging is a direct result of this stuff...the not eating is a direct result..the over eating is a direct result of this ....  i get so so jealous because even now i cant eat what everyone else can..because i feel like i am still being singled out..and i fit against the changes because i dont want to be singled out..i just want to fit in..and i cant ...  for health reasons i cant .. but i cant seem to let go of the hurt feelings ..  cant let go fully of the love hate relationship with food .. it is a very big battle .. it is not as easy as just dieting ... its that sometimes i end up eating like a toddler..sometimes i feel like i just need to eat..sometimes i feel like i cant get full...the cravings ..the wanting .. the need to just eat at times ... it is embarrassing ...  it really is...again that being fearful of things...being fearful of being watched ..and everytime i eat around mommy i know she watches me...she tells me later on whether i did good or not...did i eat all of my food or did i end up taking some home?  did i do good or did i fail ??   like i got pizza today for dinner ... i didnt stuff myself to the point of being sick..so that is a little bit of progress i guess .. but the other thought is gee you ate pizza you pig..well worse than that ... but again i am not very nice to myself anyway...

sigh

my back is really really hurting ..since yesterday night ...  spasms at time ... constant pain ... ive just been laying down most of today taking ibprofen ... i need to get some aleeve..that one is a muscle relaxer and may help a little better...im currently sitting up and my lower back is spasming ..and i can feel the pain radiating around to my stomach and down my tailbone .. i dont want to move at all honestly .. but again ..i dont have time to be hurting and what not ..so i need for this to go away..but i see the doc tomorrow ..so maybe she will be able to help...

but i need to lay down..so that is enough thinking and writing for now..

hmmmm

im laying here trying to figure out how i am feeling...im not happy but im not sad..im thinking but the thoughts arent racing..im tired but not completely sleepy..im somewhere in murky neutral area with everythhing.. sometimes it feels as if my secrets are just spilling out and i keep saying things..like how i really and truly feel and how i think and how i see things and it is hard..it is uncomfortable and it does make me feel incredibly vulnerable ...

where is my brain going with this ???

again today i ended up looking at stories on pregnancy and really wondering what it would be to get pregnant and have a baby...me ??? yes i know i am wondering about my sanity too..im like the worst candidate to be pregnant..i have tons of stomach issues..im old..im fat..im a mental case ..im AWFUL.essh... like that alone should be enough to get me to veto the idea ... but there is a little part that still wonders what it would be like...and i know it is epically gross and disgusting and would take a lot of patience when the time came to give birth...shoot that would be a miracle... but i just keep wondering if i could do it...bring a kid into the world and not freak out..would i be able to be okay enough to manage ...

i guess that lately with all the nutrition appointments and thinking about and looking at my body..i wonder you know...i wonder what the ultimate goal is...what am i working towards...maybe i need a goal..and i know just getting pregnant is certainly not that cut and dry..and would involve things im not comfortable with..maybe i feel like i am running out of time ?  ill be turning 34 this year ... and with all that i have put my body through i dont even know if it is possible ... -sigh- 

i know having a kid wont make me feel great and happy and will probably be incredibly stressful and im afraid i will be like a prime canidate for like post partum depression or something...i guess my biggest fear is that i wont be able to handle it...i wont be able to deal and i will screw the kid up..

blah...brain is way in left field currently...like way way waaaaaaaaaaaaay in left field ...

maybe its that i havent been feeling super adult lately...


just a lot on my mind today..

im glad ill have therapy tomorrow..
who knows

getting stuck in the past

every since i saw britney i am struggling a little bit with maintaining control over my thoughts of mommy ... and it comes and goes and it is hitting hard this evening..and i dont know what got it started off again...but i cant seem to get the thoughts to stop and it is dragging me into a not so great place ...

mommy has a great face that she shows the world and that has always been a sore issue with me..because i have seen her when she does not have her public face on..i have been on the receieving end of her hitting and yelling and all sorts of stuff...i have listened to her rant and rave for hours and prayed to just be hit or whatever so she would stop..ive listened to the threats and comments about how i will be taught a lesson..god forbid i got in trouble while we werent actually at home because then the whole trip is ruined while i try and fail to disappear..try to be good and hope she forgets she is mad...  but i am told over and over how caring and helpful mommy is..how i am so lucky to have a mom like her..im told i should be grateful..im told that my childhood was awesome because i did so much stuff..went places..traveled ..did stuff.. and it hurts and i feel like im such a liar.that i just didnt really see anything...i made it all up..how can what i saw be so different from what others saw?  how can no one see what i see ??  i dont understand it :(  these worries have kept me silent a long long time...who would believe me ?  why would anyone believe me?  how come i cant be more grateful and not so selfish?  how come i cant just let it go ?  maybe that is the million dollar question..why cant i let it go?

i cant let it go because it hurts me...my past hurts me in so many ways and i struggle still to understand all of them..i struggle to remember..i struggle to forget..i struggle to put things in order..i struggle to stay alive..i struggle to breathe and live each day because of the past..because i cant let it go..because it still haunts me .. because it sneaks into my dreams, my thoughts..it takes over how i feel and makes it impossible to remain present and remain adult..it makes it impossible to grow and manage safely because of the fear and pain and hurt that i cant release..because tthere are so many questions and i do not have any answers..there is no why..there is no why did she pick me ? why was i signled out so much..why was i the one that was always with her, i tried to hide, to be quiet, to not be seen..and still she saw me...she found me..she called me..and i couldnt say no..i followed her blindly and pushed the panic and fear down..until it was nothing.until i stopped feeling...

i talked about some of the things mommy have said to me..how she told me she makes me angry on purpose so that i will do what she wants..or how im to selfish to ever have anyone love me...how im selfish and dont care about anyone but myself ..when she asks me why cant i be more like nia or my college roommates..why cant i be more talkative.. she told me that something was wrong with me and that i needed to be in the hospital.... that i am a liar and a thief ..and that she wanted to kill me..that she could kill me. the list is so very long of all the things mommy has said to me..if she wanted to break me she did..ive been broken for my entire life. i asked britney if a parent is supposed to tell their kid that they want to kill them...i left out the part about her holding the knife ... but i saw it...i still see it..she is behind me ..right behind me ..and i remember that i wished and hoped and prayed for her to just put me out of my misery..and she didnt .. she just didnt ... there is the stuff that goes back further than that incident..making me eat out of the toilet, beating me awfully when it was assumed i pushed henry down the steps, washing me and dressing me as a preteen..forcing me to do things ..not protecting me.. excluding me and telling me so..because i was only needed for cooking and cleaning.. because as an adult i panicked so bad i was sick when henry and i broke something that i was in tears and trying to figure out what to do..he took the blame and wasnt looked at twice... because i get paranoid that she is following me ..and will randomly show up to see what im doing .. that she takes my money...she used to just take now..now she is nice enough to ask me for it..she can tell me what my checks will be before i even see them... because she can still guilt me into almost anything..

because im still willing to die if that is what it takes for her to love me... everything about that is saddening...and the thing is..i know i mean it with all my heart...i will die if that is what it takes .. or my behaviors will kill me .... how is that for some ultimately depressing shit on a saturday night..

im tired of writing.....

well...its saturday (not anymore)

well..it was saturday..and then it was sunday..and now it is monday and im still looking at this page wondering what in the world it is that i am trying to say...


i went this morning and got my shot..and ran a couple errands..and now im home and laying down because my arm is going numb...stupid shot..and being to feel a bit crummy..so laying down it is ... i have therapy and see the bh people on wed and that is all of my appointments for this week..i am going to get my hair done on thursday and so i guess ill be spending tomorrow taking out the current style and washing my hair and all that good stuff...

im trying to remain positive on the whole money aspect of things..like i paid the bills, paid my own bills, got all my meds, we have food, gave my brother a little and ordered something for mommy and i got a tank of gas, and the cats are settled ... and im down to dust in my bank account and it is a little disappointing to see that i have no money left for anything fun. .. but things are paid you know..im trying hard to accept that this time around money had to be spent on stuff we needed..but sometimes it is just frustrating to watch all of the money just slip away with not much to show for it...blah..its ok..it will be ok if i could quit worrying about it..i have enough left over for therapy on wed ..and then its kinda ...uh ill be hanging out at home for the rest of my life lol...

this weekend was really really rough ... mood wise i couldnt seem to stay stable..up and down..ok and not okay..tearful and angry...everything...nothing...i felt so unimportant and like i wasnt needed or wanted..i didnt feel good...sarah wasnt feeling good and ended up going to the hospital twice .. and i was feeling i guess exposed with the whole budget thing being shared around with her family..and worries about a lot of different things..and i was upset with myself for being upset about it...i want to be supportive and caring and i ended up upset...ugh..im such an awful uncaring person..it shouldnt matter that plans had to be cancelled but for some reason this weekend not being able to do the fun dinner just made me upset...i know its not the end of the world .. and yes of course i would rather she go to the hospital and get checked out to make sure she is ok...i dont like her not feeling well and i feel so helpless because i cant do anything to fix it... -sigh- oh and yep still hate cleaning up vomit...i think its safe to say that it doesnt matter if its my own or not..vomit just well sucks..and its so gross .. and stomachs are just gross with what they can uh eject...but anyway it was just a rough weekend and im glad it is over with and im just going to try to focus on today and the fact that i want to take a nap

im highly frustrated with the inconsiderate upstairs neighbors...i dont like that there bedroom is right over mine and that i can hear EVERYTHING ... it is embarrassing and i swear it sounds like they are doing there best to destroy their furniture..i want ear pplugs but im afraid that blocking out all sound will scare me..and ill end up not using them..so i try to play something loud on my computer when i start hearing them to try and block them out ...

healthwise i have been feeling crummy...ive been taking my meds but ive once again stopped checking my sugar and have been eating a lot of junk ...well more junk...im still not really drinking sugary stuff...(and i made an appointment to see nutrition today while i was at the clinic) ..but like eating a lot of bread and stuff..you know..the stuff that im being told i cant have..so i go overboard with it...i weighed myself while i was at the clinic today too and while i havent gained weight..i havent really lost any either ... im glad im not gaining but frustrated at myself for not having lost anything...i need to try harder..i want to try harder but well i want cake too..ugh i have totally moved out of wanting to punish myself .. .now its just a matter of caring enough to go back to trying .. i have the stuff..but i make not the best choices ... and im still skipping breakfast more often than not...im gonna restart the food journal ... and all of that... that will help..im going back to see the nutritionist..that will help too .. so yeah..i am aware but making better choices is a struggle...i realize my mental health truly effects my physical health ... and i very easily slip into not caring and not trying .. and just saying screw it to all of this... but it makes me so so angry to think that my physical health could kill me at some point ..if i dont get a handle on it..i know that there can be a lot of complications with diabetes ... and it like a personal let down to know that a complication could be the cause of my death..vs say me killing myself for some reason...how is that for logical ?!?!?!? so my numbers still need to come down more...right now ive gotten them down to the lower 200s...but again it needs to be below 150..so i still have some work to do..i know the meds cant do everything ..and that the main effort has got to come from me... but i am just struggling with it...

i did go and get my glasses ordered and i am waiting anxiously for them to come in...

2 visits in with the new therapist .... jury is still out on how i feel about her...but i have an appointment scheduled for wed morning all the same... 

weight of the world

tonight i feel like the weight of the world is sitting on my shoulders and it is weighing me down so very much...i feel so tired...so drained .. i dont want to fight anymore but i am not sure of what i am fighting currently..i was ok ..i thought i was ok and then this all hits me and maybe it has been building..maybe i am thinking and worrying and there had to be a release valve..but the pressure is still in my head..the pressure is still building ..and i just keep adding things on..maybe ill make a list of what i am thinking about ?

jaylen coming and me screwing him up somehow
paying for things
planning the summer
seeing britney
worrying about what courtney said to her
will she think i am bad ?
im not trying hard enough with my health
i need to get my hair done
will i like the melting pot ?
why doesnt sarahs family like me ?
mommy hassling me and arguing with me
me placing all sorts of pressure on myself
feeling like im failing at everything
feeling like im being left behind
worrying about bills..
thinking about my sister ..
worrying about the anxiety..

those are some of the main points that have been running through my head in the past couple days ...a lot of worrys ..a lot of thoughts and wondering and thinking and wanting and just not getting anywhere with anything ... it could also be that i have been in the house for the past couple days and so maybe fresh air might help..i dont know .. im just feeling badly and thinking badly and i want an escape..i want the pressure to release ..and i dont know how to get that ...i ended up taking 2 klonipin and the trazodone..maybe sleep will be an escape...i hope sleep comes quickly because i am tired of thinking..

amped up

i dont know why i am feeling so on edge..so amped up..but the feelings are just increasing and i feel like my mind is movnig to fast for my body to keep up..i keep thinking and thinking about so many different things..wanting so many different things...trying to figure out so many different things..i think it may be a latent reaction to the doc visit today..and feeling a bit nervous..talking to mommy and all of it..coming off of the benzo sooner rather than later..knowing she is going to talk to the new therapist..and being afraid of what she is going to say..and not wanting to go to a different clinic and just a lot bouncing around in my head and im feeling anxious and frustrated and irritated and i want to be left alone but there are people in the aprtment and it makes me feel even more anxious..im getting a headache big time right now..

punishments and rambles

i have been punishing myself this week...it is starting to calm down..i am still having some binging episodes..but only cut once ... disappointed a bit in that but trying not to dwell...ive been over eating a lot and hoping to get sick..some of it has been anxiety too...but as this week is coming to a close maybe the need to punish willl keep decreasing...i know in my head that im not hurting anyone but myself but i feel like somehow all of this is getting back at those who have made me mad this week...not logical i know ..but that is how i think about it...

ive got curvon again this weekend...he is a major distraction for sure...it may snow tomorrow too which i am looking forward to.  i really need to go and pick up my medicine because i havent gotten very good sleep the past couple days .. and it is wearing on me..i do tend to be more cranky when im not sleeping..

i will be getting jaylen this summer and i have so many plans for that i want to do...i found a swim shirt that will cover my arms and so i am excited about going to the pool with him..a lot of plans..it will be a busy summer thats for sure.. 

but with getting him, i have to be more stable ... so therapy and meds and all of that have to keep happening..i want him to have a happy summer and i dont think my spending all day in bed is going to do that for him...

im nervous about how to work on fitting me and sarahs schedules together because jaylen will have to be with one of us at all times of course..and i may be working another job by then...

the cats are fine...in the process of looking for another kitten..a little girl kitten.   havent found her yet :)

but things are moving along i guess...busy busy schedule full of doctor appointments...i go get my eyes checked on monday so ill be able to get my glasses back soon..my eyes have really been bothering me...i will totally wear them this time lol..like consistently wear them! 

im still seeing the behavioral health lady, and i see courtney for a med talk next week, add in a therapy session and i have an appointment once again almost every day!   im trying to get myself together..and again i am grateful that i am able to put all of this time into getting better...im grateful that i have sarah pushing me to work on getting better.  so now i just gotta keep working on stuff...mental and physical...

new therapist

i met a new therapist yesterday,  one that i have picked out by myself for the first time in what 16 years.  normally i end up with referrals and im placed with someone...this time i found someone that i think i wanted to try out and went and talked to her.  it was different..being in an office and not the clinic..i talked to her and i have an appointment to go back..so i guess there was something i liked...i will see her next week and then have off a week...so that will give me time to think and decide if i want to stick with her...her office wasnt very colorful...but there are windows that i can look out of..and she remembered that i said i sometimes needed things to keep my hands busy and had a couple things available for me...her practice has a small waiting room that was thankfully empty..but i also had curvon with me yesterday so that was good. we kept things kinda light, talked about stuff i had put on the intake forms...i asked to bypass parts of it and she was ok with that. i just feel like there are so many issues to deal with and that i will be overwhelming for her...i dont know..i guess will have to see what next week brings..

vomit on things

as i realize that my mood is going downhill ..i am forced into writing.  i am forcing myself to write as i have had a lot of things on my mind the past few days but no real time to write...

so the big big issue with going home is the sadness that closes in over me and refuses to let go..just going home, being in the general area of home, knowing i am home creates a vacuum effect and i am sad, tired, hurt, scared, anxious, worried, paranoid.  add in mommy and all of the feelings intensify, there is so much want, there is a huge desire to be noticed to have her attention, to just be wanted. I feel like i am ignored, judged, hurt every single time i am around her.  I feel her watching me, looking at me, but that is not the attention i want.  the attention mommy gives me puts me on edge.  i try so hard to tell her good things ive done, to talk to her about things and i am brushed aside unless it fits into something she wants. a conversation full of fake smiles and laughter.  i watch her without looking at her.  i heard what she said, i heard the tone of voice, and i heard her immediately add on what i should be able to do in the future. the hint at what i should be doing now and i get quiet.  i am hurt and i can not even being to explain just how huge it is, how ignored i feel, how angry.  every single time that anticipation is there..the want, the excitement mixed in with heart stopping fear and i am continuously disappointed ...my hope dies every time and still foolishly i keep wishing and hoping that something will change.  that she will see me..that she will want me..and i realize that i am still nothing, not good enough, not anything...i have failed so many times that i dont believe she will ever see anything worth wanting in me...but i keep trying..and i want to kill the part of me that keeps trying..i set myself up to fail.. and then i feel worthless and stupid for trying...because i know that i was just at home and now i am anxiously awaiting the next phone call that will remind me of everything that is wrong with me...i messed up with wayne ..i already got yelled at about that...i messed up with my hair..what has she left out ?  my weight?  what i wore?  my job?  my life? my existence? my everything is called into question, to be put under the microscope and to be judged..i am condemned before i ever had a chance..and i stupidly walk into it...over and over and over..worthless rat that i am.. when will i learn..i need to be reminded.  i have forgotten my place..i need to be punished..that is the thought that is running rampant..