you know that nagging feeling..that something really needs your
attention but you arent completely sure of the what or why or how?!
yeah ..
i talked to mommy the other night and was informed that i was to
be home on the 17th of june for her retirement dinner thing. it was
implied i would be there, it was also implied that sarah isnt invited. i
know a lot of the people my mom has worked for because i babysat for
almost all of them. This is not a jeans and tshirt type party and so fears and uncertainty and judgements are slowly popping up. what
to wear, what to say, to starve or barf..how to be perfect when i have
accomplished nothing..they are slow thoughts, like i have to stop being
busy for them to become noticeable. but the undercurrent of thoughts is
there, the guilt, shame and jealously are there. all these people that
hail her as the greatest most helpful person ever and we are over here
like umm no i actually dont want to go..i dont have anything to honor
for her..but id better be dead if im not showing up....
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