ive been thinking a lot lately about food and stuff...ok lately all i think about is food and eating and what i can and cant have and all of that..with seeing the nutritionist and the behavioral health people i am talking a lot about diet and struggles with it and stuff ... and i keep asking myself why is it so so so hard for me...what is causing the major struggle ... and the refusual and fighting it and given i am making changes ..slowly but surely i am..but they arent happening fast enough and i want immediate results and that means i end up being even harder on myself because i am not getting immediate results ..and my sugar readings are so up and down it is dizzying ...
once again after a lot of thinking ... and a lot of wondering.. i am pulled back into my past ... to when i was a kid ... mommy singled my out because i was always bigger...overweight...she would not let me have the same things as everyone else..she watched me and criticized what i ate or didnt eat...while at the same time using food as a reward in some ways..there are a lot of humiliating thoughts and things from mommy around food ..a lot of things she has said or brought up around others to shame me into not eating... the purging is a direct result of this stuff...the not eating is a direct result..the over eating is a direct result of this .... i get so so jealous because even now i cant eat what everyone else can..because i feel like i am still being singled out..and i fit against the changes because i dont want to be singled out..i just want to fit in..and i cant ... for health reasons i cant .. but i cant seem to let go of the hurt feelings .. cant let go fully of the love hate relationship with food .. it is a very big battle .. it is not as easy as just dieting ... its that sometimes i end up eating like a toddler..sometimes i feel like i just need to eat..sometimes i feel like i cant get full...the cravings ..the wanting .. the need to just eat at times ... it is embarrassing ... it really is...again that being fearful of things...being fearful of being watched ..and everytime i eat around mommy i know she watches me...she tells me later on whether i did good or not...did i eat all of my food or did i end up taking some home? did i do good or did i fail ?? like i got pizza today for dinner ... i didnt stuff myself to the point of being sick..so that is a little bit of progress i guess .. but the other thought is gee you ate pizza you pig..well worse than that ... but again i am not very nice to myself anyway...
sigh
my back is really really hurting ..since yesterday night ... spasms at time ... constant pain ... ive just been laying down most of today taking ibprofen ... i need to get some aleeve..that one is a muscle relaxer and may help a little better...im currently sitting up and my lower back is spasming ..and i can feel the pain radiating around to my stomach and down my tailbone .. i dont want to move at all honestly .. but again ..i dont have time to be hurting and what not ..so i need for this to go away..but i see the doc tomorrow ..so maybe she will be able to help...
but i need to lay down..so that is enough thinking and writing for now..
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