again today i ended up looking at stories on pregnancy and really wondering what it would be to get pregnant and have a baby...me ??? yes i know i am wondering about my sanity too..im like the worst candidate to be pregnant..i have tons of stomach issues..im old..im fat..im a mental case ..im AWFUL.essh... like that alone should be enough to get me to veto the idea ... but there is a little part that still wonders what it would be like...and i know it is epically gross and disgusting and would take a lot of patience when the time came to give birth...shoot that would be a miracle... but i just keep wondering if i could do it...bring a kid into the world and not freak out..would i be able to be okay enough to manage ...
i guess that lately with all the nutrition appointments and thinking about and looking at my body..i wonder you know...i wonder what the ultimate goal is...what am i working towards...maybe i need a goal..and i know just getting pregnant is certainly not that cut and dry..and would involve things im not comfortable with..maybe i feel like i am running out of time ? ill be turning 34 this year ... and with all that i have put my body through i dont even know if it is possible ... -sigh-
i know having a kid wont make me feel great and happy and will probably be incredibly stressful and im afraid i will be like a prime canidate for like post partum depression or something...i guess my biggest fear is that i wont be able to handle it...i wont be able to deal and i will screw the kid up..
blah...brain is way in left field currently...like way way waaaaaaaaaaaaay in left field ...
maybe its that i havent been feeling super adult lately...
just a lot on my mind today..
im glad ill have therapy tomorrow..
who knows
1 comment:
Have you considered foster parenting? You could start doing relief like a few days to give the foster parents relief. I met with an agency and they mentioned that option. I'm not ready to jump in but I am considering that. Parenting is such a big lifetime responsibility...and there are so many kids who need a loving home. You would be great Nat. Everyone has issues; at least you are working on them. But I would consider waiting on full time parenting with one of your own or foster parenting until you can take a stand when your mom is being abusive; in a calm strong way that doesn't leave you wanting to hurt yourself. You know your mom would be around your child and you want to have the strength to protect yourself and your child from being the recipient of abuse or from observing you being treated that way. I'd worry a lot more about Grandma messing up the kid...
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