today.

things have gone a bit differently than planned today.  i woke up trying to prepare for a really hard day and ended up having the gyno appointment canceled by my doc...i guess writing has its benefits i printed out what i wrote over the weekend and gave it to her this morning when i went to see the nutritionist ... doc talked to me after my appointment and said she would cancel the appointment..that it didnt have to be today... my goal actually hadnt even been to get the appointment canceled...i just wanted her to know what was going on and try to explain why i was so afraid of it and stuff .. but she read it and thanked me for sharing and im of course trying to disappear into anything at all because now she knows more than she should ...so no gyno appointment today...i have to of course keep her in the loop about what is going on..and everything.

i saw the nutritionist again today and i actually enjoyed talking to her today..it sucks that they are only there 2 weeks at a time because that means i will constantly be seeing new people..but i would like to see that person i saw today again... it was actually helpful...i think some of my fears concerning eating are coming out..and im having days where i am struggling to eat at all...she talked to me about eating on a more consistent basis and not skipping meals ..because im down to two meals a day and that is pushing it some days...i am having a lot of thoughts about punishment and not allowing myself to eat..i am much more focused on food and stuff...today was the first day in months that i have not had any real sugary drinks...i did eat fast food though because i didnt eat breakfast and went to two appointments and so by 12 i was starving and out..and fast food it was....i had to kinda force myself to eat dinner...and writing this i know that my methods of harm are changing again..food is becoming what i am using to have control is some ways i guess..and not cutting... i dont know..it gets a little bit confusing ...

as for therapy ...i am still looking..i emailed my first choice and she is not taking new clients...i got a call about the vcu place that i had to do like an application for and im going to call them back tomorrow and talk to them...i have another person that i may email and ask if she is accepting new clients.. im really disappointed that my first pick isnt able to work out..but its back to the drawing board a bit... i havent heard anything from the clinic so i am guessing that it was a no on finding me someone on friday..so im looking still... i see the bh people on wed and they are helpful..getting to talk ..i wish i had more time with them...i am dying to talk ... really i am ...

im ok. i guess . for now

i have calmed down a lot since earlier this morning ...i did get up and eat breakfast and go and see sarah...i can home and cooked dinner...i havent eaten it yet but im hoping it is good !  i made grilled smokehouse chicken with garlic butter carrots..but again i waited to long to eat and ended up munching on a couple slices of pizza..oh well... i know i cant expect immeidate results but i kinda want immediate results..but im going to lay down and play the ds for a bit...i dont like the thunder ..so staying busy.

slippery slope of emotions

i wish i could say that i am doing stellar and everything is great and wonderful and fun...but i cant...maybe one day i will be able to though...


my thoughts are jumping all over the place and it has just gotten worse since finding out about the gyno stuff and then sarah having to go to the hospital and be admitted..worrying about keeping myself safe as i overthink everything..wondering what the point is and why am i doing this...i think right now the biggest fear is the gyno appointment on monday and not really being able to put into words why it is so terrifying so that my doctor will understand..the fear of being hurt in some way, or something happening makes me panic all over the place..i dont want to talk about all of that..im trying hard to manage and maintain but the urges to cut are very strong and getting stronger as the fear keeps trying to overtake me...i want to explain but i am afraid and then i say nothing ..and even writing this has me close to crying because it is so overwhelming ..and upsetting..and i dont want to be touched or looked at ..and since it will be an inner ultrasound that just adds on the panic ten fold. i dont want to do the appointment..but i dont want to keep bleeding either..and asking for a referral will just be a longer wait...i have to be strong but i feel like im crumbling .. i really really really freak out about these particular appointments ... because they are triggering..i guess that is the nicest way to put it..being undressed and being looked at and poked and prodded sends me back to another time..and it becomes hard to separate the two .. the  fact that it does hurt just makes it worse... mommy poked and prodded and looked at me .. checking for what i dont know... i am ashamed and afraid .. and ready to run..anywhere ...but i cant do that either..and so i end up just being a failure and doing stupid things and crying and getting in trouble because i cant manage myself ..

so i am taking the anxiety meds everyday ..to keep myself from going over the top..and still my thoughts run away with me and i keep getting pulled back into thoughts and moments from the past and it just hurts and the anxiety stays high..im trying not to over medicate but i know i am..im sleeping a lot and sarah isnt here... im going to see her today..she was admitted to the hospital because of a uti..im going to see her today.  i have to be strong for her but i am afraid ..because they are giving her a medication that she is allergic to with benadryl because the bacteria is resistant to the one she usually is given..and she is still in pain...and i am scared because she is still in pain..and the uti symptoms keep changing ..and the symptoms that may have happened before didnt happen this time...this time she is being given morphine for pain and that has never happened with a uti before..so i dont know...and not knowing of course makes me anxious ..and battling my usual fear of hospitals to go in and not panic ..

no call about starting therapy yesterday has me feeling like i am a loser ..i keep waiting and nothing..and then a weekend like this happens and its like freaking a ... ok a stronger term than that..but its bad...its a bad weekend...no i am not suicidal ..but the thoughts of just not being here and not dealing are running rampant and its makes me tired...i get tired of fighting against myself when it is so much easier to give in...give in, patch myself up and go on with the day..after seeing sarah ill probably hide in bed ..and not do anything ..hopefully ill sleep...because sleep is safe..nothing can happen if im sleeping ... my mind pin points where my razor is and i want it..i want the escape..its like just one time..thats it.. ill stop again..it will be ok.but one time is never enough..i know that..more and more and more and im running out of places to cut..i dont like burning myself as much ..but all of the thoughts are there and jumbled up and confusing..why do i want what i know is not ok...i know i am thinking about it all wrong ..trying to convince myself i dont want it when i know i do..when i know it will turn my brain off for just a little while . i just want a break at this point..a break from myself ..

and to make it even better...there are so many eating issues going on..right now my stomach is a little not happy but i am feeling really on edge and that may be causing it...ive taken my medicine..but all of the talks about eating and drinking and being healthy last week have been maybe a bit to much to deal with all at once ..i feel like that is everything and im getting to focused on it..if i get to focused it will get out of hand..stop eating or start over eating .. and not caring ... the way things are going though my eating is decreasing..and the problem with that is i am afraid that my not wanting to eat will turn back into throwing up..ok there i said it..to much focus sends me into a tail spin of disordered eating..and i know this ..but i cant explain it to anyone ..because i am ashamed that i still fall back on these things ..that they are still there and refuse to go away .. im fighting all of it right now...trying to remember that it doesnt have to be like this..but there is a big part that reminds me that it does have to be like this..that there is no way out..there is no stopping .. there is being quiet and hiding and letting everyone see just how wonderfully im managing...how im going to my appointments, eating better, going to the rec center..so that all the other stuff will never be noticed..longer sleeves, eating ice, not really talking about anything at all..just appearing fine for everyone to see..and then i dont have to worry about anyone noticing anything at all..that is what i am good at...pretending ...

im not going to make it without cutting...but no one else needs to know that.

panic and fear

struggling big time tonight...found out that i will have to see a male gyno on monday..and did not go into details with the doc as to why that is not an ok thing ... and so i have the appointment...which is causing panic and fear and worries and just getting really close to going back into shut down mode..i just want to be alone and not around anyone right now. and all the convos about eating and what to eat and what not to eat are getting to me. im angry about all of it now..i go back to see the useless nutritionist on monday. yay me. im sick of doctors right now..all of them. i want them to leave me alone but they keep saying they care and sh!t .. i dont want them to care. i want them to leave me alone. highly on edge and susceptible to do stupid things to make it to my appointment on monday

upset

why am i so upset and angry and tearful and sad  today...im on edge and i dont know why ..i dont understand why...why being upset by mommy two days in a row are having a negative effect..i was upset a bit yesterday but its worse today..maybe its that i keep getting talked to about my weight and losing weight and i feel like a loser ..i have lost 6 pounds since my last doc appointment ..but its like you should have lost more by now..stop eating so much ..stop drinking so much and you would lose weight ... i think i am feeling a bit attacked..with everything..and it is causing upset and paranoia ..and i just want to cry and be alone to suck and not bother anyone :(  and going home and knowing i havent lost enough weight and facing mommy again... yeah..i all around suck it seems .. im living up to no ones expectations...i should just die and go away .. :(

weekend fun ! ..

wow this weekend has been a whirlwind of activity..and for me that is a huge huge thing...ive spent weeks hiding in the house and just keeping to myself and trying to manage ... this weekend..curvon called and asked to come and visit since today is a holiday.. its not like i was planning anything super duper this weekend.  just dinner out with sarah which we will be rescheduling for a child free night lol...so he came over .. in the course of 3 days (im including today) we have been shopping numerous times, went to the park, went to sky zone, had a picnic, went to the movies, had a picnic, played video games, went out to dinner, ate girl scout cookies, watched cartoons, played with the cats.. its been a lot of activity..its been fun though...i do get irritated at times when he doesnt listen but i work hard not to yell at him..  but with all the stuff we have done, i realize just how much i havent been doing..i might as well be on my way to becoming a recluse !   it is surprising you know.. i know ive been struggling but good grief i have really been struggling..curvon goes home this evening..and i will miss him of course..i miss the quietness having him here but it is different having an active child hanging around .. i begin to crave my alone time !

in other news mentally i am beginning to even out and feel more present in things...im not taking the anxiety meds daily.. on the downside physically i am not doing so great..my stomach is bothering me again..and i am frustrated and upset about that..i even called the doc to talk about switching to insulin..im going to see her on thursday and talk about all of it...i did start the second med to help with my sugar though..so we will see...   my other issue is that i am still having my period and since im on the shot i shouldnt be having it but its been a month now with no stops .. im not thrilled and am constantly cramping and what not..ugh..so ill talk to the doc about that on thursday too..

im loaded up on doc appointments this week..i see the nutritionist today, courtney tomorrow, the behavioral health people wed, and the doc on thursday..i will definitely be getting out of the house this week!

oh and i took the cats to the vet...they have ear mites but other are very healthy the vet said.  kai weighs 11 pounds and gizmo weighs 10. i was hit with a crazy expensive vet bill but im glad i had the money to cover it.  it was more than i had anticipated spending..but im so glad they are healthy .. and happy lol.

vday and med doc..fun times

well today..has passed mostly in sleep and i do feel super bad about that..you know its vday and all and i slept all afternoon away..blah..but i made cake ..and my stomach is being stupid and i want it but im not feeling the best...so yeah.. but its ok sarah and i are going out on saturday. so that will be fun. and i even made dinner before i fell asleep! say that med doc today and i had to keep reminding myself that she is not a therapist .. i wanted so badly to talk about things indepth and its like nope..she doesnt know how to work the therapy side of things..she listens to me and tries..but its not therapy..and there is so very much stored in my head at the moment that i need to talk about..but that aside..i have the go ahead pretty much to look for an outside therapist..how nice is it that i have to save to see a therapist..but there is no guarantee time frame for me seeing someone at the clinic and umm i really need to see someone..so im looking around..i may have found someone that i want to try..but the intake alone is over $100..so i really will have to do some serious budgeting to be able to fit in weekly therapy..ive been given the go ahead to increase the new med.which is fine..no real side effects i dont think except being really sleepy and taking incredibly long naps..im seeing her again next week just to check in and i told her i would see how i was feeling then and decide if i needed to keep seeing her weekly.. i mean im feeling better ..like for part of the day..but things still tend to go back downhill at the drop of a hat...that part of things sucks royally. eating has been awful..but im so so soooooooooooo thirsty all the time..i drink juice all day long ..which i know isnt good for my sugar and what not...i really need to go and get more squeezy bottles to drink out of..i totally will on friday. cas ill drink the water in those with no problem..but to pour a cup of water and drink it is really hard to do most days..i gotta go and pick up the new med on friday..and start that one..and find my meter so i can start checking my sugar again..a lot going on..like a lot of little things going on..i did sorta start my food journal..it is embarrassing to put it nicely..well its embarrassing to me ..to write down what i am eating and stuff...and again im not eating that much you know...not like thousands of calories at a time or anything.. i do go and see the nutritionist on monday though..maybe that will help

but im tired still..gonna go and lay back down.

i thought i was feeling better

things felt less heavy until maybe friday?  so i had a small like 2 day reprieve from myself ..but now i feel the anger and irritability and unsettledness is drifting back in..i want to be alone..but i feel so upset about everything..i want quiet and i want to yell and scream and i just feel so so so mean..i know the medicine isnt a crutch..but i wish it worked..im not feeling suicidal but i feel like the thoughts and feelings could come back so very easily..  im feeling disappointed in myself cas i cant seem to be better...i cant seem to stay better..its just back and forth between not good at all and barely managing ... im running out of ideas of what will help...i just want to hide in bed and not have to deal with anything...

back on effexor

im actually putting this here so that i dont forget that i started it today.   so far today i just ended up really sleeping..  im on the look out for any possible side effects.

today the fog in my head has lifted a bit..i have been able to think a bit better...talk a little bit better...be more engaged..  i finally talked to nia about what has been going on..and that was helpful..she understood.. i was honest with her and even told her about the doc asking if i needed to be in the hospital.. 

i think being reminded that i have people who care has helped..im trying not to jump the gun here and say im all better..but i can say today was a bit better ..

shame

yesterday was a very very rough day.  i just felt bad ...and angry and quiet..things that are becoming the norm it seems. 

i did go to my appt to see courtney and it took a lot of effort not to start crying..sarah went to and that was helpful because i wasnt so forthcoming with information.  in a nutshell we have agreed to put me back on effexor to see if that helps.  i got frustrated trying to get it filled yesterday so i am trying again today.  i have to print out the coupon to get it. my medication prices are increasing again.. i may just get them all moved over to Lafayette and go to one place.. but that will happen next month most likely.   im also going to see courtney weekly for a little while.  the wait list is still long and has no openings.  ive decided to wait it out for another month and see if i get placed with someone..and if not then i will research an outside therapist ...i realized yesterday that i am hanging on to the clinic because i am comfortable there..because everything is all in one place..because they know me there...but i am not doing well and well safety is still an issue.   i also saw ro yesterday.  as expected my a1c is up to 11 which is not a surprise.  i am super disappointed in myself about it. but ill just add it to the list of things i am super disappointed in myself about.  it just makes me so frustrated because my eating is not that bad ... ugh..so a new med is goin to be added since i refused insulin again yesterday.  yesterday was not a day to ask me about insulin..but new med will be getting started next week.  maybe it will help..i need to find my meter again though and actually use it..oh i got the sleep meds filled yesterday though and actually slept most of the night!  this is progress.


i came home and crashed ... and ate cake.. i spent some time talking to sarah yesterday evening..it still takes me forever to for thoughts and actually talk...i spent some time last night talking on facebook and it was helpful.  i felt a little bit clearer after talking.  my head is still a bit ok right now..which is why im writing some before getting up.  i see the behavioral health lady today and i have a few errands to run..suddenly i want to cook and well that will involve a trip to a far away store ..ok i have to go across town..but maybe actually eating a real meal will be good..not a sandwich or chicken tenders. but actual food.  and maybe shower and do normal things..

something that i was reminded of last night in my chats ..is that i am doing more than i give myself credit for... i feel so ashamed of myself because i spend all day in bed..because im not functioning..because im not doing anything and i feel like i should be doing more..but in my chats last night we talked about that i am going to my doc appointments..im eating, im getting out of bed...all of that counts as doing stuff..more so right now because it all feels so very hard and it is a major struggle to get things done... so maybe im not as useless as i am feeling.

but i guess it is time to get up and figure out my day. 

can things get any lower?

im not asking that as a challenge ... good heavens im not..but right now i am ust wondering is it possible to feel any worse?   emotionally, and physically i am just drained..i am tired but again it is not a tired that sleep will help.. it is a tiredness that just seeps into my bones..a tiredness that pours out of me and finds nothing.  no real peace. no real answers. i am left thinking and my thoughts are running on top of each other and i just wish i had someone to talk to about it all..a sounding board in a way, just to bounce ideas off of because my brain is on overload..

i think i have been clinging so very hard to this waiting list thing for therapy..and the longer the weight the more hopeless i feel..when i first lost anita i knew it would be rough, i knew i would go backwards...i knew things would probably fall apart..but i think maybe i was also holding on to the hope that things would magically be ok.  i held it together..i think i held it together for little bits of time but as the days have worn on..my resistance has crumbled and i am left feeling lost and hopeless and like i have so very much wrong with me..and that there is no help...nothing helps..i dont want to keep changing therapists or doctors..i wanted things to stay the same and they didnt ..and now i have to find new options and that is terrifying for me... sarah kinda brought up the therapy thing today and it truly was something i hadnt thought of in a few weeks.  i was just managing..but not managing..hanging on by a very very thin rope and just shutting down to survive..i have isolated and pushed myself into this tiny tiny area and i dont know how to get back out of it now...i am afraid.  i am scared.  i am safe ?  in my tiny box i am safe from the world.  i barely interact with anyone..i cant go to the store without freaking out..im constantly looking out the windows, im avoiding the phone..im not talking..im barely exisiting .. and i dont want this to be how i live...i dont want my life to end this way...and i ask myself the same question that i asked sarah less than 3 weeks ago...

am i willing to fight ?  shit at this point im ready to go check myself into a hospital just to get evened out and back on stable ground..but that is not an option for me and so i guess i need to come up with a different course of action.  i am drawing a blank..i dont want to face want fighting will entail . 

do i want to die ?   i am fading away.  every day i just fade a little bit more.  i am getting so lost that im afraid no one will be able to find me.  that no one will even realize what has happened and i am just not there anymore.

there is so much anger, so much hurt, the behaviors hide the real issues and anita is the closet i have ever come to getting the dots connected..but there were still walls that we ran into..shut downs, refusals to go any further..  after these past few days ..well i think its been a week?  maybe 2?  i realize i cant handle the anger. i dont know what to do with it.  it scares me.  and i dont have a safe way to deal with or combat the anger.  i have to deal with the anger, the hurt, the guilt and shame and fear and all of it..maybe looking for an outside therapist may be a good idea.  i may need to see a trauma therapist.

but all of that leaves me wondering about money, about affording weekly therapy out of pocket.  i have to save to go to therapy.  and so i keep pushing the dates out.  no i cant do it this month, maybe next month..but oh i have things planned next month too..maybe the month after that..i may not last the wait for free help...so again i am left sitting with my back against the wall.  i am left wondering what is the point in any of this because it is all to hard.  it is all so much.  it becomes overwhelming.

and so i guess in a some huge roundabout way..the question becomes what do i need?  what is going to help ? 

since anita leaving..i have no routine..actually since leaving my other job i have no routine...i need routine..i need a schedule.  i need an outlet, i need a safe place , i need a bigger support system .. i need to be heard..safely...

but what are the next steps ?   i see courtney well today since it is after midnight..i will talk to her about the meds...maybe some of the heaviness will left once i am back on something.  maybe i will start to care a little bit more.  i need to talk to her about the wait list and see if i need to be looking at other options for therapy anyway.  not having anyone is not healthy for me..im not in a place yet to be able to support myself through all of this..so outside help has to continue ..

all thinking all of this causes the depression to flare so very strongly...i feel so sad...so empty...soo just useless..and i remember how my very first therapist told me that i had to many issues,  that one semester of therapy was not going to help and i would need to be referred out for long term therapy.  I was 18 at the time i was told that, a freshman in college.  I am currently 33 and I feel like i am still being referred out because i am to much to deal with, because i cant be helped.

i am just broken

therapy?

i keep thinking im managing, only to be told that i am not. i have shut down. that is what i have done. barely any information moving in or out. sarah wants to pay for me to see a therapist. something that i know is not in the budget but i hate seeing her so worried and i dont know how to make it better for her. im trying but everything is so hard. talking, living, moving, being, all of it is just so hard right now. im on the waiting list but who knows how long that can take or will take. its been almost 3 months now maybe. i cant seem to process anything. i go back and forth between saying im fine and barely being able to function..there are so many other things that we want to save for and stuff..but as sarah pointed out..im not doing much in the way of anything right now because im not stable anymore. truly do not know what the next step should be. wait out the wait list and still struggle with shut down mode..get back on some sort of meds and hope for the best..do nothing and hope to stay alive..find a new therapist and pay out of pocket with money i dont have? i dont know

me and my gizmo cocoon

tomorrow is monday

saying that tomorrow is monday holds no real joy or fear for me.  it is another day. it just so happens to mean that i made it through the weekend.  intact.  angry, quiet, sad, and a whole host of other things but i am intact.  i am tired. very very tired though.  i dont think the suicidal thoughts have gone but they are a little bit quieter at the moment.  i have the most random thoughts of hurting myself through out the day..just out of the blue ill wonder about cutting or taking all my medicine or going for a drive and hitting something. blah..ive been trying to stay busy.  ive been laying down a lot though.  playing games and watching movies.  ive been watching a lot of cartoons. my thinking is a lot distracted and all i can handle right now is cartoons.

it makes me incredibly sad to know that i am not able to truly manage without the medication..or without being on something to help my mood or to slow my thoughts down...or to just not act or want things so impulsively ...

tomorrow just puts me one day closer to tuesday and finding out if courtney has any ideas..i am trying to stick to trying a different combination...i think i may need a mood stabilizer .. i dont know .. i called in the refill for the trazadone though..so ill hopefully be able to go and pick that up tomorrow..and i see the behavioral ppl on wed ..i gotta remember that..

i gotta go out and run some errands tomorrow.  im hoping i will be able to get them all done without a melt down...umm post office, store, and grocery store and pick up meds.. i look at that and wonder if it is to much .. and that frustrates me too... paranoia is a bit elevated..and i only feel safe at home...which keeps my anxiety up when i have to go somewhere...

have i mentioned that i am just tired..of myself..of everything..

calming down

tonight things are feeling a little bit calmer. im incredibly anxious to be to far away from sarah.   freaked out in walmart earlier and almost cried because the lady asked me at the deli what cut i wanted.  why that simple question overwhelmed me to the point of tears i dont know.  but i just couldnt calm down.  i walked back and forth around the store until i got myself to text sarah and get my focus together enough to leave and come home.  

i did a lot of adult stuff today but i dont feel very much like an adult.  i took a nap earlier and that helped with calming me down also.

they are putting in new carpet in the apartment upstairs and its been so loud. i think they are being totally inconsiderate of the fact that people live underneath the upstairs apartment. they were dropping stuff so hard the ceiling fans were shaking and stuff.

my thoughts are bouncing back and forth a bit right now.  i might play harvest moon for a little bit .

im not going to the outing/get together thing tomorrow and that does make me sad. but i know i cant handle it, or the crowds or the noise.  so im not going but sarah is going and that makes me happy. ill just be at home where it is safe and  i know whats around me.  no surprises.

shut down.

i thought i was doing the right thing...not talking..covering myself in silence..just getting through the day..and that is saying something because i may as well have been living in a small dark cave the past few days..i thought i was protecting everyone by preventing anyone from knowing just how badly i feel..i thought i was doing what was best..what was good. i could surface for little bits of time, interact and then go back into hiding..but i guess doing things that way has turned something major off and im just not connecting correctly to anyone or anything..but its worked before and i didnt realize i had even shut down this time around..but i have and it has been a total, all out shut down..and seriously the only goal right now is to make it to tuesday.  i didnt realize that i hadnt reached out to my usual friends.  i didnt realize just how alone i had made myself in a matter of days.. i shut everyone out to try to combat the thoughts and anger and feelings and .. i just didnt want to have to force anyone to deal with me..so i buried all of it.. and it has left things a lot messy..like waiting for that pressure valve to pop off and all of it come rushing out.. i didnt know it was happening..i didnt..and now i dont know how to get out of it..i need to keep that control so badly..i cant let anyone know that the control is slipping..so i hide ..and do what i need to and then go back to hiding..because i have to protect myself and keep everyone at arms length so that i know they will be safe too..im fighting myself..im fighting everyone else..im fighting what i think everyone else is thinking..im ust fighting but i think im fighting the wrong battle..im fighting myself..im still fighting myself ..and im still losing ..

im
still
losing

why am i still losing ?  why does my throat close up when i try to ask for help or say whats wrong?  why does it feel like im drowning yet im surrounded by people?  why does it feel like no one can see me when i am standing right there? why do i keep rebuilding those walls that keeps everyone else out?  why do i end up trapped and afraid but still cant scream out for anyone to find me, to pull me out of myself..to not give up on me?  why?

hello darkness

every day it seems that i figure out another reason that  the medication is helpful and without it i am sliding into darkness...my thoughts are overwhelming and irrational.  i dont trust myself with what i am thinking.  i am currently awake at 3am and my thinking just goes back and forth.  i want to go out to the store..i want to hang out the window in my bedroom..i want to just go and drive or walk outside..i am thinking and planning and plotting and now of it truly makes sense.  i want to go to sleep and instead i am awake and thinking..i keep thinking about destorying things...i keep thinking about hurting..i keep thinking i need to get up ..i need to do something..anything..im listening to music now and trying to drown out my thoughts.  do i want to go cook ?  do i want to draw ?  i dont know.  my fingers itch to move to be doing something and i have to remain still. i force myself to remain still so that i dont pace..am i nervous? tired?  no i am just falling back into darkness.  it is an old friend.  it is comforting.  it is an escape.  it is a form of safety in its own right.  there i am ok..i am protected.  i am alone.  and nothing can reach me.  i dont want anything.  im fine. it is like disappearing, being surrounded by a dark smokey living thing.  it wants me so very much and i resist. i keep resisting but i dont know why anymore.  it is a little bit easier to welcome it, to like it take over..to just be and have nothing else matter.  it is like wanting so much to be wrapped in a tight cocoon of warmth except there is no warmth..but there is comfort in the familiar..there is comfort in realizing that it has never left me. it has just been hiding .. and it still wants me.  no matter how i am or what im doing or what i have done.  it wants me all the same and i think it will steal me away this time.  i convince myself that i need it.  that it is an escape.  my resistance wears down and i am just left drifting ..i am left waiting for something.  not to be saved really..but to be let go..i want to be let go.. i am trapped and no one will notice . i am not dressed i cant leave the house..but i keep thinking that i do...i keep thinking i should take all of my medicine and then all i want to do is throw it all away.  i dont want to go anywhere but i do.  i wonder why i am here and what im supposed to be doing. i wonder what the point of all of it is and i just cry. i did not plan to cry.  the anger comes and goes and it is harder to push it away. it wants its freedom just like anything else but there is no freedom for that...i cant be angry..im not supposed to be..and not being able to control it or keep it under control is a problem. i have to be in control.  i have to be.  i cant be angry because then i want answers. i want to know why.  i want to know why i was picked and hurt.  i want to know why i cant remember..i want to know what the hell happened..i want to know why so very much. the anger and hate have such enormous depth.  it hurts thinking about it.  it hurts feeling it.  the anger comes and then the bone crushing depression crashes after it..one extreme to the other and through it all i sit quietly and keep myself alone because i dont want to hurt anyone else with my inability to be okay. or stay okay.  i dont know what i am currently .  if you ask me  i will say that i am fine.  that i am ok.  but all day i try not to cry, try not to yell or destroy something or destroy myself .. i dont know what i want to do..i want to throw everything away..break things..but that is not ok.  i keep my teeth clinched to prevent myself from saying anything mean or wrong.  my head hurts with the effort to remain good.  i am good.  i have to be good.  i have to obey.  i am failing .. im failing at everything.  mommy tells me that pretty much. or maybe that is my interpretation..obey and listen and be good and maybe she wont hurt me anymore.  the same hope  has lived in me for 30 years and i am still waiting ..still trying.. still dying ..and im still not good enough . trying to calm down.  force myself to lay down again for a bit..beginning to panic  and it makes my chest hurt..or it could just be years of crushing disappointment and hurt..who knows..