I don't understand

I'm trying hard to be all positive and upbeat and glad that I have a place to live..but how many times am I going to go to work or leave for a few days without my stuff being taken or gone through?? My few snacks that I keep have been eaten..out of my room..My books are messed up..one of them a present...  didn't leave my stuff out?! What  do I have stickers in my underwear draw..why is my medicine moved? And crumbs all over my freaking bed..My snacks were in the top of the closet...the kids couldn't reach them...what am I supposed  to say? Or do? I have given them tons of stuff and everything gets destroyed..And messed up...but I'm paying to live here and I can't even keep anything here..I'm not hiding money....I don't have anything...yet my stuff is taken bit God forbid I accuse anyone...so yes Im  really upset right now..frustrated..but again I can't rock the boat..I can't upset the place I live right??? I'm supposed to be all happy and thankful but now I'm just pissed off and getting angry...I had kaiya with me..so why was anyone in my stuff?? I'm not happy...I'm thinking it's time to move on...I just wish I could get my own place..I really do..

low

About to get,ready to head to work..we are all over the place and in a really big please leave me alone mood...found out will be going home on Thursday..May be stuck there until Saturday..chaos reigns inside...anxiety picked up  immediately..on edge..she will,have me trapped...And I'll be cut off from online and stuff once I get home...My phone barely even gets a signal at home...been trying not to cry or do anything crazy but can't get a handle on the thoughts...the list of things I have done wrong lately is long..And there will be no  escape from her talks..And we have to keep it together because she knows I can't refuse or fight back if it means no car..or no money for a car...it's a.big set up...we are walk in  into trouble and there is no why that I can see out of it...we are going home alone...the fear is alive .. sadness and depressed and just out of sorts...How well,can,I,be fixed in two days ??? I guess I'll be finding out...How easily can I be broken when I get home..knowing I can't fight back????

giving up

After all this time....I guess if I look at,the big picture..it's been a little less than two months of epic shittiness...And today..I guess that breaking point was reached or whatever..the whole staying positive..being strong...knowing something better is coming ..I just can't believe...I've tried..And now things are just worse I guess..I feel worse...I'm tired...I'm fighting tears today and its a stupid losing battle..I'm stomach has made the past day or so a bit  miserable...not that anyone cares....couldn't handle mommy today and ended up yelling on the phone..And her saying she would not call..but whatever..I don't believe that either..I don't believe anything....I don't even believe anything Im  telling myself..the problem with crying is that once it starts it takes forever to get it to stop..I don't want to cry..I have to go to work later..I need to pull myself together...I have to pull myself together...forget it...I'll cut and worry and make it through the day.

under the surface

Something is bothering me...I'm not sure what it is but it is just getting worse I think...Maybe it is just the holiday and the usual blues and depression that seems to come with it...I don't know..My mind is seeking quiet and solitude...I know we are bringing up and talking about a lot in t lately and maybe I'm not writing enough..talking about my sister and being adopted are such big triggers and both things that are coming up during sessions..a lot of talking about mommy and how things were..And I guess I'm not not doing enough to elevate the feelings...but the sadness is hitting hard today..I know mommy is preparing to go  to nias and I am feeling left out..as everyone will be there and I won't...I'm happy to be spending time with Sarah..And bounce and kaiya I just hate feeling like I'm missing things and not being included...And no one wants me crying on the phone about things anyway...I'm going to need to make sure I'm taking my meds...I realize I haven't taken them today because I feel like bursting into tears right now...I am worrying and stressing out about things..And I just want this to be a good week...I really do..I don't want to be down and struggling and trying to be safe..but my head seems to have other ideas because I'm not quite sure how safe I am feeling..right now...

I'll have to work tomorrow answer..And wed morning and afternoon I'll be baking before work...And Thursday is thanksgiving..Friday, Sat, and Sun will be back and forth between ac Moore and Sarah...

Maybe I just need a good night's sleep..I did finally get my meds refilled...

I'm tired

I don't feel good today and my thoughts are drifting into a negative area..Maybe I am having bad dreams
.I'm tired and cranky and not sleeping..I want to sleep. I'm trying to figure out money ..I'm tired of trying to figure out money ..And car stuff and job stuff..I'm trying but not hard enough...I found a job but not a good enough one..so go get another one..get out of this mess your in and then maybe you van talk about decreasing something...but right now...No..you have to do more..work more..give more..pay more..you have  to fix this...there is no rest..there is no anything...

floating

Floating along...I prolly shouldn't have driven in my current state..My head hurts and I'm.trying to hold it together..And I keep thinking about the picture we worked on yesterday and how hard I'm fighting to get to the logical side..but all I keep thinking is negative things..I try to get out of it and it pulls me back in...there's help ans calm and peace on the other side but it's not accessible to me..nothing is

I can sit quietly and think ..I am thinking fast about things and my thoughts are already going downhill...that accident that wasn't my fault has destroyed everything..My falling  for the scam is just argument worthy for the rest of my life
.I don't know...but now it is being used to remind me that I've messed up..that she will have to bail me out...that I am out of money..that I owe Rob..that I have nothing..that I have to,pay bills..that I,can't say anything to anyone..keep my secrets..lie..pretend...all the things I'm so fucking good at...pretend everything is fine ..I'm useless

you have to calm down....

You know how you accidentally stumble on something and it is as if your entire being reacts to keep something from you? I feel like I need to sleep but I'm not tired am I? I was talking to Amanda but now I feel I'm not making any sense and should just lay down. Something has clicked on and something is desperately trying to get it to turn back off. All I have been thinking about is the no thing, the pouting thing and what triggers it. The more I think about it the more I think about some of my conversations with Kathy and how I ended up feeling like my world was crushed when she told me no on some things and I couldn't process it. I may know that I am asking questions that can not have a true yes answer but that childlike hope is there. There is honesty and a real want for safety in the questions and not being able to have it breaks me in a way. Those feelings/emotions don't grow up and when I find someone that I am attaching to and feel safe with, the questions come. Will you keep me? Can I live with you? Will you adopt me? I promise to be good? I'll do what you say? They are still looking for safety, comfort, parents, love. Being told no makes them angry, manipulative, hurt, sad. There is no big picture, there is a need for immediate gratification and not getting it causes a lack of something. Something didn't develop correctly, and has continued to be unable to develop or fix its self.

ugh ratburgers!!!

Saw Anita today and so I have a few things on my mind right now and I'm feeling a little frustrated because I can't figure them out..as much as I enjoy figuring myself out.sometimes it gets on my nerves because  things aren't just black and white ..there is to much gray area or room for interpretation..I need a clear cut picture and i get frustrated when I don't fit into set categories that make sense..

So Anita had written this kind of two way list of how things play out for me and as I was rewriting it I started thinking more about it and how the describe the different parts..And I felt frustrated because I could look at it and see so clearly how different they are..but I can't see how different events will play out...is it really one or two things that,can change the whole outcome? If I take mommy out or get a handle on my thinking or mot act impulsively would that really give me the time to get to a point of where I can think rationally...Will I get the time it takes for me to calm down and fully freak out safely without acting on anything and make it to the other side where rational thought waits? Why can't it be the same each time? Why  does it have to be different? Why can't I see these things in the moment and change them? I get so caught up in whatever spiral I'm in that I can't get out of it until it is finished..who knows if that will  take to long? Or if I'll do something stupid? Or can't figure out if im seeing or understanding all of my options..I don't want to make ..bad  choices but sometimes I do..And I don't mean to. Some days I,just,don't like the way,I think and see things..it's.not like everyone else..

The second part of it was kind of about how I react to things..which has me wondering what triggers out the pouty more childish part of me and why...I know there are very specific triggers or things going on bit beyond being told no I can't think of what any are..And that frustrates me too...I mean I don't do it around many people..but I know I do it with Kathy and Anita and Courtney and Sarah and Yvonne .. but why..them...why do they get that behavior...what purpose does it serve? What am I getting out of it??

Ugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh

An OK day

Yesterday ended up being an OK day surprisingly... I really need to get on a better schedule with my meds though...my stomach was actually OK yesterday..

Ended up having a night of fun for curvon ..he is doing a great job I'm school..I'm so proud of him.

frustrated

I understand that what's going on with me is going on with me..but I guess the message I got from avante this morning is bothering me...pretty much being told that regardless of what's going on for me I still need to buy stuff for the house..it seems to be ignored that I'm the one buying the household stuff and extra food when there are no food stamps...but I am just feeling that I opened up to her..And now something is weird and different..I was gone for the weekend and come back and she is acting weird..Maybe I'm reading to much into it..Maybe I'm not..I just don't know...My weird feelings haven't been wrong before..so I don't know..I'm laying low and staying out of the way...what I usually do...I really miss having my own space..i  really do...Maybe after I get started with Sarah's hours in January and save a month or so I'll be able to move back to my own place...something...I'm really hoping next year is a better year for me...this year has been so so hard...And there seems to be no relief in sight..Just one of those I'm only needed if I van benefit them in some way...story of my life I guess

I'm just down today..And annoyed at Wayne...because he could help me out but he isn't..so I'll respect his choice..And my plan is to find another job...get some money saved...And get a car and a place to live...those are my current goals...

I talked to,Courtney about my stomach today and yeah as expected she said I need to see Megan and will most likely be referred to a gi doctor to figure out what's wrong with my stomach...the bleeding is not ok...blah more doc appts...

My head is hurting..I'm just going to lay down for a while....I'm trying to escape I know..but i need a break from my brain and thinking and planning...

pressure.....

I'm feeling pressure from all sides....people want and I have nothing to give..I'm all out of everything and I can feel that my thoughts are turning dark from worry and stress..I'm trying so hard not to  ask for money but I have no choice at this point..I need  help but where can I go at this point...

Sick

I feel like crap.. sitting outside of work and I just don't feel good ..stomach issues and nauseous.. and head hurts...I'll talk to Courtney tomorrow and see what she says...I may end up back in the emergency room..this just needs to stop..I'm tired

wtf!!!

You  want to pull out the sex talk now?!?! I tell you I'm having some issues with my stomach and what happened and you bring up sex?! Where was this talk way back when I may have actually needed it?? It's a little late to play concerned parent now..I can't believe she did that..I'm upset and just kinda disbelieving that the conversation happened..Ok maybe she was concerned..but my sex life isn't up for debate..I know what the few risks are with that..And I immediately felt like defending and explaining...uh it's frustrating..And embarrassing..And I feel just like my entire conversation was invalidated..My issues insignificant..And not important..but it could be I'm having sex wrong instead...wtf

anxious

Anxiety is getting the best of me..a lot of thinking today and trying to plan but all I've ended up doing is stressing myself out to the point of crying and accidentally triggered myself watching this movie...My head hurts ..My eyes hurt and I'm no  nearer to figuring anything out...I feel like a failure and am suddenly struggling to figure things out and figure out how I'm going to manage..And what the crap I'm going to do...I'll just keep my anxious feelings to myself and lay back down and think...Maybe no Netflix for a while to get myself calmed down maybe...moving back into isolating...No talking...blaming it on being sick will have to do....

trying to stay ok

I feel like I'm slipping...going down into the dark depths of depression...I'm worrying and stressed ..yesterday was an ok day..saw Anita and it was fine..I kind of isolated when I got home..something is going on with avante but she hasn't told me so I can't do anything to help...so Im just staying to myself...I think the yelling may be getting to me a bit..yesterday I listened to music for a long time...today I don't know what I'll do..but my thoughts are stressed and worried...I'm frustrated that I can't find my drink mixes...I left them on my dresser..I come home and they can't be found...I'm very careful to not accuse the kids but yeah..I'm pissed off...I am reminded that I need to hide my stuff to prevent anyone from messing with it..or it walking away from my room and no one knows what happened to it...  can't afford to be going back to the store..I don't have the money...so I'm frustrated with it...it's little stuff you know..but I don't say anything...And the little stuff becomes bigger..sigh...Maybe I'm over reacting..I don't know..I'm  Just bothered...And it makes me miss having my own place and my own space..And sadly I'm worse off now than I was before...And   I don't know...I'm tired..I'm feeling weighed down..bogged down with life..checking my bank account did not help how I'm feeling ...what in the hell am I going to do?? That's all I can think...is what am I going to do...

less.heightened emotions

I did sleep last night...I'm just thinking so Much and nothing I can do...save up..start over..I did file complaints with the federal trade commission..And eBay...My sister called the same ad I did and was sent the exact same message I got..so yeah..scammed...things aren't so heightened today..Just so down..And feel so helpless and hopeless...but all I can do is start over and try to manage with the rental....for now...

not thinking clearly

I really just want to take my meds and go to sleep...I'm tired..My head hurts...I can't begin to figure this out..And I'm looking at the future and see nothing...No way out and I'm sick of all of it...  don't have the energy to pretend right now..I don't have the energy  to talk ..I'm scared I'm going to loss my jobs because of no transportation..I'm worrying and freaking out and I see no hope anywhere..I just want to get in the car and drive away
.I didn't see Courtney today so I'm out of half my meds..which doesn't help my thoughts any at all...My thinking Just gets worse and I see how way to turn it off...I'm waiting to tell mommy because I can imagine how that conversation will go..I need to pay bills and I can't.but if I don't I'll lose my stuff in storage..I don't know anyone who wants to drive me around to get to work...I'm stuck..in so many ways right now..

I've been hiding today...crying..hiding..thinking...I told nia I give up..And I do

I lost

I gambled and lost...I trusted and was lied to and now I have no idea how to pick up the pieces...I suck at life..And I see no way out..I was so happy..so excited..I missed the signs..And now I will pay for it...I'm just stupid and I'm trying hard not to do anything bit the need to pull away ..hide...ignore everything and everyone pulls at me..I can't deal right now..I just cant..And I don't want to anymore...I'm tired of trying

.of trusting...of believing that things will get better...all I want to do is just go away...I don't think I'll go to see Courtney tomorrow..I'll ask Jane to get her to call me...I can't face anyone right now...

update

Its been a while since ive written..a lot has been going on..both with me and with the kids at home...bullying and meetings and pulling the 11 yr old out of school for safety reasons..ive been helping her mom out as much as I can and going to some of the meetings to kind of speak for the 11 yr old...my schooling comes in handy at times …. the meeting we went to last week..the guy found out what my degree was in and he asked me to apply for a job with them...if only I hadnt screwed things up and what not with my background stuff...but that has happened and is in the past now..i have to move on...its on my record and nothing will change that and so I have to wait that one out....im learning its not the end of the world...but it does make things a little bit difficult..but im learning to manage...and now I have two jobs...one at ac moore that I really like which surprises me...talking to people and stuff...and then I have the one with sarah now that is really cool actually...i mean im helping her and spending time at her house and now there is a pay check involved...for the weekend anyway..i would come over and spend time with her anyway you know..and I do...shoot I still prefer hanging out at her house lol...i do feel a little guilty though...working for her and being engaged...i know ppl do it all the time ..and I guess its just one of those things that is what it is..but still...im just trying to get used to it...

but back to other stuff...the accident has really screwed things up...i have a car that im working on getting..and I think the stress is beginning to affect me physically..something is wrong with my stomach and or lower regions and I dont know why..and im worried..and scared ill end up in the hospital as they try to figure out whats going on..i dont want to be in the hospital...i dont want to have something looking inside my stomach...ive never had ulcers or anything like that before...and suddenly im all stressed and worried non stop for weeks and other physical symptoms start popping up and I dont know why...im still having headaches...daily headaches actually that dont really go away..its tiring and hurts and I hate them..even now I have a major headache and it sucks...

but yes I have found a car...i am still waiting on the check from the insurance so that I can pay for it...the car is going to be shipped to me...and the payment will be through ebay..no meeting weird people alone or trying to decide if im going to be kidnapped and killed or something...yes my mind works like that and ive seen way to many movies and read way to many news stories about things happening to people...and it would involve a crap load of cash so yeah..this does make me feel more comfortable at least....but if all things work out I will have a car soon...like within days..i have to get the payment sent which I will do as soon as I am able to get the check cashed....that is a big stress reliever on one hand but on the other I have mommy who is back to putting the pressure on relating to money and holidays and so the holiday stress and obligations are beginning and it gives me a headache...everything gives me a headache lately..there is no let up in the stress and things are just really hard a lot of days...

I got a light session with anita this week..but no I have some things we need to talk about next week...i need some closure on the mommy thing or I need to at least explain to her that it made me very paranoid and scared....i still want to talk about the lotus of control thing...i may write about that on facebook and see what others have learned about it...i know I have heard about it but I dont really remember where I heard it..and that irks me majorly...

things are a little messy in my head ...no cutting or suicidal thoughts ..just kinda down...worried....planning and thinking and trying...im trying so hard and then I talk to mommy and it all goes down the drain and I feel like I cant do anything right ...and that nothing is enough...she yelled at me about not sending her a birthday card..honestly I didnt even think about a birthday card..i truly didnt ...i called her on her birthday..but as soon as she found out I would send her money oh everything was fine then...but will I send her enough? Will she call and ask for more? I have to send nia and rob some money...i need shoes and a jacket and maybe if im really lucky I can get an actual bedset...im hoping ill be able to get my new glasses at some point in the near future … who knows...and now I have presents and planning to do...as I said the headaches never stop...i need to get my meds filled and I see courtney tomorrow so maybe that will help...ive been taking them..sorta...ugh...i cant seem to get out of overload these days...its becoming the norm..and it bites...but I better do what I came to do..before I run out of time...