Words

I am having a hard time finding the words to explain how I am feeling ..and why I'm feeling this way...its not about just being here for a week..its not that I have a place to go or that I have to look for another job....

The problem is that the situation has pushed up a lot of thoughts and feelings that may not be directly caused by this..but it is affecting how I am able to deal with it...my panic about the unknown has increased...the worries about finding a job and paying bills and all of that scares me..its because my thinking automatically associates this with things in the past..and yes I feel like I don't belong..that I'm worthless and that I've failed..that is what runs through my mind constantly.. that is what drives my need for punishment or hurting myself...I took 2 trazodone and 2 dilaudid last night..I woke up in the middle of the night with my chest hurting so much I had trouble breathing but I was so out if it that I kept falling asleep sitting up...swore once again not to take them...but the day isn't even over yet and I want them...I most likely wasn't feeling great today because I had fucking morphine taking a stroll through my body..and I woke up and went out..stress and it being close to time for my shot has my stomach feeling so gross and sick..I keep thinking I need razors..that I need to do things I know will hurt..because then I can get out of my head for a little while...so many times I've had to do this. Look for a job..find a place to live...I'm tired..my mind is tired..and I do feel like giving up...because that's easier..that's better..but I keep waking up..I keep doing stuff ..even though I just want to lay in bed and ignore everything and everyone.. I don't want to do anything but I can't not do anything..I have to have a place to live..I have to find a job...even when it feels like I'm being eaten alive by the depression or going crazy from anxiety and over thinking.. a plan  will always form...I have to have a plan..I have to have a back up plan..I can't shut down completely no matter how much I try
And maybe that is why I keep wanting the pills..that is an escape.  No thinking for a little while..I get tired of thinking and planning and preparing for the worst all the time...with this situation I again set myself up..and when I was told it wasn't working..I just fell apart..this was supposed to be my safe place..my second chance.. my chance to be included and feel wanted...and that not happening was the biggest hurt.. that I wasn't protected..that not even here could I be safe from being hurt...and I had just looked the idea up in my head so much.. I wanted it so much..that it not working out has thrown me off...and I don't know how to pick up the pieces..because I am feeling so broken..and hurt..

I feel as if there is nothing left

My head can't handle anything else...it really can't ..I have told mommy what is going on and now she is adding on pressure..nia and Sarah are both being supportive and letting me cry...Im  not sure how I truly feel about the situation..am I sad...angry...upset...broken...lost..empty...do I understand? Am I willing to forgive and be able to move on? I feel as if I was set up in a way..I gave up everything..Just to be left hanging after a week...i  have two weeks to move..two weeks to get a set plan in order..I've cried so much since yesterday..I can't get rid of my headache..I can't get a handle on how I am feeling and I know I am not safe...I don't feel safe..I feel on  edge..anxious..fearful and afraid..I don't know what I want to do...I'm worried and tired...My head won't stop hurting...I don't feel ok here. It's not safe..I thought I would be safe here and instead I get reminded that I am not wanted...what is there for me to do

I didn't think things could get worse....

I am sitting here trying my hardest not to cry..I've been crying since 3 something this afternoon when I found out that this job...this safe place that I wanted so badly is not safe..I have been rejected and I guess in a way asked to leave...I have been told that Kathy's mom is not adjusting to me being here.. and so I am jobless and almost homeless all in one day...I'm useless and once again reminded that I am unwanted and not needed..I don't belong anywhere... I don't know what I'm going to do..or where to go.. I am once again misplaced with nothing...I have up everything to move over here.. my cats are in the pound .. everything I have is in storage..and I am wondering what is left for me right this minute... my thinking quickly moved into I don't need anything ..I don't need to eat or take my meds..I don't needs to go to my appts..nothing..im just going to waste away...small attempts at cutting..mad I didn't get my meds filled..glad I didn't get my meds filled...I'll need to stop them again since I'll need the money..because I'll need to move.. because I don't know where I'll go..because I just spent my money moving...because I can't afford to move ..because I'll have to look for another job or go back to the group home once again...I don't have the money to give Avante..   I. Have failed big time at this one...my head hurts so much and I just keep trying to figure out what I'm going to do..how long will I make myself suffer for this failure... I feel completely broken.. and I guess it hurts more that Kathy is involved in this and I trusted her to keep me safe and this happens...I've been here a week and failed..I tried.. I thought I did..but I guess not..what am I going to do? I can't think. My thoughts are a mess..Nia keeps checking on me and I haven't told mommy yet..what is there to say? I'm sorry for my existence.. I'm sorry for breathing..I'm sorry I don't have enough pills to overdose on..I'm just sorry

sadness drowns me

right now i feel as if my head is going in circles...im trying to think and plan but all i can do is lay  doen and try not to cry..my world is crumbling on one hand and trying to become stable on the other and im just feeling stuck in the middle for right now..and i dont know what to do..i know what i have to do..i dont what im expected to do..and in now of those things does it say that im allowed to sit down and cry all day....but today is a day that i doubt i will be able to get anything at all done...my appointment to take the cats in to animal control is at 11am...and at that time my world will most likely stop moving for the rest of the day...taji and bounce will be gone...they have been with me through so much..when im sad they sleep with me..when im drugged .i know ill wake up and one will be on the bed with me...i swear they keep an eye on me just as much as i keep an eye on them...i love the two of them..even when taji is being bad and not listening..even when taji is peeing on everything...even when taji is aggravating bounce (ok do we see a taji theme here???) but they are mine..they know me and i know them..they wait for me to come home...they cry for me...im the one who takes care of them...and today i have to say goodbye to them and they dont even know its coming...in a few hours i will have to catch them and put them in the carrier and take them in and leave them there...i feel awful..i feel like im losing a very important part of myself...i know i had to make a choice...a very important choice...i know that i vouldnt let this job go...i know that i need to work on myself and all of that stuff...but that does not elevate any of the sad and broken feelings i am currently having...i talked to sarah last night and im going over to her place after the appointment...so that im not by myself...because being by myself could not end well...i know ill try harder to stay safe at sarahs than i will if i am alone at my apartment ... i just dont know how to help myself today...i want to do bad bad bad bad things...to make up for having to give up taji and bounce ...

again mommy got to me

i ended up messaging sarah and called Kathy crying...but yes im an adult...-sigh-  some adult i am.... no more money talk with mommy..i cant handle it...i have a job..i will be getting paid...i will be living some where for free..i will not have to pay rent..or buy food unless it is something that i want specifically...i refuse to sit there and ask a old women who is paying out of pocket for me to pay me 800 or up for me to be at her house...when will mommy learn that it really isnt about the money ?? i want enough to survive...enough to live on..enough to be comfortable....with my bills cut in half almost and no household bills..i will be able to slowly save once i get the loan from nia and rob paid off...with a low income ill be able to get insurance...ill be able to keep my loans on the income based things and ill qualify for assistance if needed....things change the less i make...and yes ultimately the decision is mine...i will no longer have the cats...isnt that enough ?? on my plate...i guess not...because she just overloaded me to the point of tears ...and it is all in my court..i can say how long i want to be there if i go and it doesnt work out i can let kathy know and i dont have to stay ...i can find something else...but why would i do that..i dont need much..ill have a room...all i need are my books ..tv..an internet connection..and my movies...i can spend the day with sarah when i want to ..well when she isnt busy with her own stuff..and mommy is again trying to butt in and mess it up..before it even starts...i dont think ill talk to her for a couple days....i dont need the added stress right now...i cant manage anymore stress right now..im tired and anxious and stressed and scared and worried and there is just to much going on...im currently trying to calm down as i really need to get through this week...im going to meet the lady on wed....and if all works out i start on saturday...which means moving on sat and prolly sunday...my life restarts on saturday...i have to pack..and im working every day except thursday this week..there is so much to do....and no time...i think a lot of things will be trashed...a lot of things will be put into storage and i lot of things will be given away..i have to say good bye to the cats...
i talked to anita today too...and yes will be seeing her on wed morning...need to see her so very much...
the need to over medicate and hurt are on massive highs right now....
trying
trying to maintain
trying to stay calm
trying to keep it together

a decision has been made

i want to write but my attention wavers..and i am lost at what to do..ive spent the last few days stressing out about things..worrying and thinking about my options about what i can do...about what my next move will be and the more i think the more stressed i get and the more i cant seem to figure out what i want to do..i just want to be told what the right thing to do is..i dont want to make a choice..but i have...and i should be happy shouldnt i?  ive made a good positive shoice havent i?? then why do i feel like my world is falling apart and im just going to fall apart with it...ive made the choice to go for the live in job..the job that will offer me a place to live..safety..security..freedom..steady income..small but steady...and the one thing i cant have...the one thing that i am being asked to let go of is my cats...the cats that i have been a permanant fixture in my life since like my third year in college..ive never gone more then 3 months without them..and that was only for a summer when i had to work at the camp....but this is like a final goodbye..this isnt i can change my mind the day after and go get them back...no this is heart wrenchingly final..and my whole world is pretty dark right now as i face this ...i know its my decision...i know that i had to make a choice..and yet i feel like i am the worst person ever for not being able to figure out any other way...any other choice...no one to take them...no one to keep them long term...and so i have to say goodbye and my heart breaks...and it is as if i will never be happy again..i want the depression to take over..i want the dark thoughts to take over...those i can deal with..those i am used to and dont have to fight..i want them ..because they match how i am feeling and and they make way for behaviors that require no explantation...they understand the needs the urges..they enjoy them..they want them..and all i have to do is give in...just quietly give in..things are a mess in my head..but again..as long as everyone else sees strength and me managing..thats all that matters...so ill go and to work and then just hide in my room when im not at work...im to on edge to be any good to anyone anyway..its best i stay away from everyone...if i could get away with it i would turn my phone off and just disconnect from everything completely..sleep and work and try not to do anything that will get me into trouble...but whats the point...my horribleness continues to win out ..and im stuck playing along ..

jobs

and with everything going on...another route in the plan has developed..and my mind is going crazy trying to keep up..trying to plan and figure it out and figure out the best option....i had lunch yesterday with an old supervisor..one who knows more about me than i know about me...i ask to live with her every time i see her...she keeps strong boundaries to deal with my incredily poor ones..but anyway...saw her yesterday...finally talked to her about everything that has gone on job wise because she had been holding on to a job for me to come and work in her group home for her ..with children..and i hadnt yet told her about my background thing..and so i told her yesterday..and well yeah...both have complete understanding that i cant work with children for two more years..at least..so that is a no go..(she promised not to kill me)...but she put another job offer on the table for me....a live in position ...working over nights with an elderly lady...free room and board...i would still be making a small income..etc...i just need to pretty much be there you know..help out a bit..mostly be there in case of an emergency type thing...and she needs someone like within the next week or two....i need a place to live within the next week or two...i would be able to work and make money and not have to pay rent...i still have to talk to my supervisor because i have a lot a lot of questions ... but the con to all of this is..i cant take the cats...she is allergic..the elderly lady...i have no one who can keep them for us..and so they will have to go to the pound...i have found a no kill shelter...but the feelings are all over the place...taking a job and losing the cats...or moving in with the friend who has three kids and keeping the group home job and one of the cats but not both...im trying so hard to think it through and figure out what the best option is...im wearing myself out thinking..i know what i want to do but im afraid to commit because it means saying goodbye to my two best friends...the two little furry people who have been homeless with me...moved from place to place with me..that i refused to give up...and now a job comes along and the only way to accept it..and to get out of a dangerous situation and move into a safe place...a quiet place...is to let them go....i feel awful making the decision ... i really do

update i guess

update i guess...i have asked for my old job back starting next week....i am moving in with a friend by the end of the month...i will most likely not be able to keep the cats...im not currently applying for jobs right now...the background stuff has me feeling to let down to want to end up just getting fired again..so im at my old job but placed at a different house...so maybe it will be a little bit better...things are not well in the roommate department and i ended up telling her today that i am moving out..and in response she locked me in my room...which was a huge trigger..she said it was an accident..but how can you accident lock the chain on the outside of the door knowing i am in the room??? still trying to calm down from that....dont like being trapped or unable to get out of places..had to ask her to let me out...im am feeling angry and afraid..i feel very unsure of things right now....and trying to keep the thoughts out of danger zones but it is hard...its so easy to just sink into the darkness and just stay there ..where i feel safe....where i can hide away...i am hiding..i am isolating..im not talking to anyone really..occasionally mommy and nia...the only person i see or talk to on a regular basis is sarah...i dont want to do anything..i just want to lay down and sleep..ignore the world..not function anymore..but i have to and that is really depressing ... i cant just shut down..i cant just go take a break in the hospital...i have to work..i have to live..some how...but what is the cost..how much pain will it take to wake myself up and rejoin the normal world..will it be pills or cutting or burning or some other punishment i can think up....my attention needs focus..right now it is all over the place..thinking and planning and thinking and more thinking but not much action..i just lay down and think..i drive and think..i talk and think.. all i do i think..and plan and think some more about what ive already thought about..its tiring ..im tired of thinking ..

need to be strong

my anxiety is high..im picking my fingers apart again..i try not to but again i cant seem to stop..right now i have maybe 5 or 6 in the beginning stages..a couple more a little farther along...im trying to leave my feet alone..moving makes me anxious,,changes makes me anxious...and i tend to just want to shut down..i try to appear like i have it under control..but my heart breaks at the thought of taking the cats to the pound..im sad that ill be packing my stuff up again and it will be going back into storage..im sad that i couldnt make things work...im upset that things didnt work out the way i planned...im upset that ive disappointed kathy and yet she still is trying to help me and talk to me and listen to me...i keep thinking that ive done so much wrong ..and there is so much going on..and i just dont know if im making the right choices...my head hurts..i think and think..i plan and replan..i try to figure it all out...i have to figure ir all out...everything has to be in place..every single thing..i have to know this will work..im not sure i can handle anymore disappointment...im not sure i can walk into the animal control and let my cats go..but if i accept the job ill have to...the job i need..the job that would be almost perfect...the job that would be stress free..and still allow me to have time for other things..but ill be alone...how will i live without bounce or taji...who will keep me company when im sad and lonely..who will watch over me when im depressed? i have to be strong....there is no time for anything else...

i feel awful

i wont be able to keep the cats this time around...one or both...i dont know..but the faster things more ..the more i am looking at not being able to keep either of them and its breaking my heart...i know the spca isnt accepting pets into their clinic...i know the clinic where i normally take them will be a bill of upwards of $100 bucks that i dont have..and bounce is sick..in some way..i just dont know how..taji is just bad...but things are bad in the current living situation and i do not feel safe there and im planning on leaving and leaving fast..and that may be in the next couple weeks...which means..not being able to keep them...the pound will take them for $50 together....what else can i do ?????? i dont know....

well ...its beginning to run its course

this morning ... i woke up and wrote a little bit about how i was feeling...it as hard yesterday and last night...really reallly hard..i think somewhere in my head i knew i had a plan and that i was going to act on it....i dont think i was consciously thinking that i had a plan if that makes any sense...but it was a day where everything was overwhelming me..i was out of ideas..i was out of hope..i was done..there was nothing else for me...i didnt even want to go to sarahs and i just wanted to lay and bed and be miserable and argue with myself and yell at myself and pressure myself to get up and do something anything ..knowing that physically i couldnt get myself up at all..i just couldnt ...i truly was done with everything ..and i think telling mommy was the tipping point...i couldnt handle it anymore and i couldnt handle being told to just move on and  deal with it..not when i was seriously fighting myself to stay alive..and i couldnt tell her that...and so it was an immediate reaction ... immediate impulsivity to do things ... to follow the rules..what ever the are..to do what is expected of me....to just i dont know....but pretty much yesterday i guess was the really truly no good very bad day...and i wasnt sure i was going to make it out alive...sarah called me around 3:30pm and we talked for a little while and she asked when i was coming over..and since i had already agreed to coming i couldnt say no to her either...so i went ..it took me a little while since it took me forever to get up and get dressed and force myself to go out the door but i got there..and we did our usual..talked and hung out..she watched spongebob and random other cartoons with me until i got sleepy and fell asleep...i had been trying to sleep all day long and wasnt able to..two hours at her house and i calm down enough to fall asleep...but she woke me up around 9 something and i was of course dead to the world but eventually she got me up enough so that i would move out of the way...and i hadnt planned on spending the night..i was in the process of actually falling asleep again in her living room but she kept calling me and i kept waking up..so i started putting on my shoes but kept stopping ...and i couldnt figure out why...i knew i was tired and wanted to sleep but generally if im going home i get ready and go ..but i was dragging big time..and not really doing anything..just sort of sitting there...and i just kept thinking that i cant leave..that i really cant leave and that i cant go home ...that i needed to stay ...but i wanted to go home...but i couldnt get myself to get up or go home or anything..so finally i asked sarah if i could spend the night...which she said ok to..and i literally just dropped my stuff and went and laid back down with her..and was able to almost instantly go back to sleep...i didnt have any of my meds..i was away from anything that i could have used to hurt myself...at the time i wasnt even thinking of any of that...it was just a really really strong desire to stay where i was..i needed to stay put for some reason...and my anxiety ..the restlessness wouldnt let up until sarah told me that i could stay....  i slept through the night...woke up at 5 something..and needed to get up because i was beginning to think to much again...but it was more trying to figure out yesterday and last night...why did i need to stay all of a sudden...i never ask to stay ..sarah will ask me to stay ...or if something is going on i may offer to stay..or we plan in advance if i am staying ..but i never out right ask to spend the night...not once..but i did last night..something was wrong that i wasnt fully aware of ... and wasnt able to even put together until this morning....i didnt realize i was feeling that badly or that unsafe...i didnt realize that going home and being alone would have been a mistake...and i did not realize that sarah was my lifeline at the time...

yes i am alive...no i have not cut..i am taking extra meds to sleep at night...but not every night and ive only taken two of the pain pills...i am still feeling incredibly depressed and the negative thoughts are still winning...its still a battle to want to do anything at all..but im not crying like ive lost my mind anymore...and i did some to work today..and i dont feel like the world is out to get me anymore at least....so once again i found the bottom of whatever it is that i needed to find...and now i have to figure out how to get myself out of there..i dont know how...im not sure i want too...but i know that i have to get it together..i have to work..i have to live...ive been neglecting everything..myself..the cats..my room..my apartment..geez im not even sure when i actually took a shower this week...well i took one today before i left sarahs apartment...but really...its been pretty bad...i havent cared...and i guess i need to figure out how to start caring again...i have to find the energy to do something....anything....i just feel so tired...so stuck...like im going in circles and there is no way out ....

but almost time to go home so i guess i need to work on paper work...and tomorrow is spending the day at sarahs ... so  a relaxing day...maybe ill partake in some of that physical activity that anita and courtney swear i dont get enough of...and maybe i wont mention this particular physical activity ..

seriously my only goal for tomorrow is to take a shower...how sad is that....two days in a row will be a new record...good grief

the lights are turned off

im attempting to write before i start crying .... the pressure is suddenly coming from all sides and im feeling overwhelmed and more upset ..and i want to cut..i want to hurt...the longer i sit and think the more i feel a need to find a way to get the feelings out of my body..because i can no longer talk about them..im being told now that i need to move no..go to work..do this..do that..and i cant explain honestly to mommy or nia that my thinking has taken over and is preventing me from doing much more than laying in bed and wishing i would just die and be done with it...i already know what i have to do..i know what im supposed to do..and yes i know what im expected to do...but none of that is what i want to do..i dont know what i want to do..i cant get myself to think far enough in the future to even figure out what i truly want to do...again i know logically what i have to do and what i will do..and at some point the time will come when i will get off my ass and actually do it...but right now i just cant...i want to be left alone..i dont want to talk to anyone....i cant explain just how truly awful and worthless i feel for screwing things up so very much...and how ive messed things up for myself ...i may not have meant to but i have..and now im stuck...and once again im asked to stay quiet about it..dont talk about it ..dont say anything at all about it...but the price of silence is high because the thoughts dont stop if i stop talking about them...and the few people i talk to about them prolly wouldnt even agree to me not talking about them...i dont know...the command has been given...and its as if locks are immediately placed on me..and everything goes back to being fine and ill go back to being fine and no one will see me cry...which also means that it will be a matter of days before i have razors...that is the way it works ...i can be silent...i can say absolutely nothing..i can be nothing..i can be obedient and good and silent and smile and go to work and do what i am expected to do...and all those thoughts..all those feelings that im not supposed to talk about..all the stress and anger and fear and sadness...they will still find a way to seep out...but as long as no one knows...as long as no one sees..who cares what it is that i am doing...i am a functioning adult...that is all that anyone cares about...thats all i have to be...nothing else..im dying inside just to keep up appearances ..because that is the expectation of who i am supposed to be..but dont worry..im fine..ill manage..

I am trapped in silence

Monday my world fell out from under me..And I'm  Just at a major loss for what to do..I'm depressed..I'm almost at that suicidal point..everyday I get a little bit closer...And I don't know how to even stop it...I've been coming. Over to Sarah every evening...but I have all day to get lost in my thoughts and they are a sucky place to be...Anita mentioned yesterday. That it's not really the surface stuff causing the issues..it's the stuff it brings up..the feelings of defeat and worthlessness and being a failure and not good enough..over and over I think about how I've messed up..How this is all my fault...that I tried my,hardest and still got fired..And its only made worse having my supervisor and the people.  I worked  with at the new.job telling me how well I did...How I was such a good case manager..And that I'll be missed...I suck ok..I'm stupid and awful and make incredibly stupid decisions...And dig myself into massive holes that I can't get out of...I'm tired of all of this...I don't know what to do..I know what I have to do..And that is seeing  if I can get my hours back at the group home..No  complaining..No arguing...suck it up and deal with the job I don't want at all...but I have to,survive..I have to be able to live...an  that is what it looks like it will have to be...I have no choice and that upsets me...all of it refuses to let the negative thoughts go away so slow down...all I think about right now is hiding or dying or hurting myself in someway..I hate feeling  like a failure..I hate feeling worthless because I can't keep,a job...I try to be a good person but I'm not...I'm just me and obviously that is something that I truly suck at..My entire life I've been told I'm not good enough...And when mommy slowed down on telling me..I continued it even more...And right now I have failed completely...And deserve to be punished for that..