hmmm im tired still..just woke up and im ready to go back to bed...i figiured out my theory paper is due the wed after spring break so i do have some work to do since its like a 8 page paper that i havent even considered doing yet but i need the deadline to be afwully close for me to even get serious about doing it...im really bad with procrastinating....i hate being rushed but i have to be rushed to get it done....so i will set 2 hours a day for now to do research and start writing it so i wont have to rush so much when next week comes...after wed i have another paper to work on anyway and then i have 2 more to work on :S essh...
but anyway thats that why i got to be in such a bad mood, true its not helping it any but its not the main reason...yesterday i did nothing literally and i was in an ok mood no major upsets, i forgot to do the fin aid stuff but thats done now im just waiting for the number to come back so i can sign it...but i watched 7th heaven last night and it was one id seen before but it was the one on cutting..it wasnt new information but its always creepy listening to someone else explain it with a textbook definition..its like a group of doctors somewhere sat down and made up some definiton that everyone has to live by..no going off course trying to explain why someone does it..if it doesnt fit the definition then they cant be helped...what would my definition be anyway...its when a person needs something they can deal with on a physical level to get things out of there head. its something to focus on to stop random thoughts and pictures from going on and on and on. it takes everyone, not mattering really what it is and just lets you get it out for a little while without saying having to say anything. stupid definition but thats all i got..but then that would bring up why i do it...why do i do it, good question, for a few reasons...because i found a way to get back at myself for being such a screwup that hurts a hell of a lot more than anything mommy can ever say or do to me...it used to be mine before she found out about it .. now its not really mine anymore...because its a way for me to lie to myself quite easily...when things are seriously stressful and im way back into thinking up 101 ways to die, its like the first cut i make when i cut is just this huge rush of relief and calmness and i think everything will ok...given if i had to resort to cutting how ok can things really be? but the logical part of it doesnt matter...it works and it helps, lie or not...it doenst last long but sometimes any calmness is better than nothing....what other reasons....because i deserve it too..well the hurting part of it i deserve...im a bad person(some ppl would disagree and i do acknowledge that sometimes because i cant get around it) but any way yep im a bad person...why im a bad person i dont really know...what happened when i was a kid really was my fault and i dont know how i managed to get into some of them..but i did and didnt find a way out of them either....small insight on one of them..i was the older one between the two of us...i should have stopped what was going on but i didnt know what was going on...i mean geez i was like halfway through highschool before i really knew what sex was ...which makes the whole thing pretty interesting because for almost 3 years...mommy swore up and down i was pregnant, i was in middle school...i never went out, i hardly talked to anyone but it turns out she was positive i was a slut...given i wasnt having a baby then, im not planning on having a baby now...besides the major ouch factor in that one...i dont want to be a sucky mom....jumping topics again...i didnt even remember it happened until a couple years ago and even then it just came out of nowhere..random night and all of a sudden it was like what happened the day i was at my cousins house? i can take it to a certain point and then it just goes blank...i dont remember and i should remember and i cant, how far did she get before i had to leave i dont know....i do know i hate playing house, it gets way to indepth at times...ok off track why else ... ok to much .. head is going into over drive...jumping subjects way to fast...
dusti is being a pain right now
i should go eat
i want to go back to bed
i want to burn not cut...henry saw one of my burns
mmm i could drink
that would be fun and its a great way to forget everything
no drinking though, it would suck to become an alkie and mm i dont need anything else to work on..so no to that one
cant burn
cant cut
cant do anything
cant throw up either, said i stopped that...thats one thing i plan on sticking to..maybe i wont eat yet...ill go play a game..or chat..im supposed to talk when i feel like cutting, i cant believe i said i would do that...sometimes talking makes it worse but it makes me tired enough not to do it...writing is the same as talking except no one can interrupt...one sided chats are great...no it takes a heck of a lot of skill to lose and argument against yourself... one of my many skills and then i argue about stupid stuff...but if i cut or not is always a good arguement...given if im taking the time to argue over it i usually end up doing it...ok ill go see if anyones awake in the room before i write myself into a coma
1 comment:
you must remember that you deserve a break.. you have spent alot of days this semester, doing what you need to do and dealing with crap that you should NOT have to deal with.. this is your time to release, relax and REFRESH... if you do not do the first two.. you can not do the last... just relax.. allow yourself to know it is all right.. the world will still go on if you do not pick up today.. it is not like you can go more than two days without cleaning.. so no harm done.. my wish for you , is the ability to understand, that you are such a hard worker and are such a good person, that you reward yourself for being such.. take a bubble bath.. dont do the dishes for one day...and not feeling bad that you left them for the day.. they will get done and it is probably only two plates and a pan...be well my friend...
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